Surrogacy for convenience

[Pea-n-Me]

Not to mention, again, one last time: people usually don't raise kids ALONE. They have spouses, parents, siblings, friends, day care workers, etc who help. Pregnancy is only felt by the pregnant person. My husband's thyroid wasn't destroyed by my pregnancies. His spine is in alignment. He didn't suffer through pre-eclampsia. I did. My body and my body alone went through that.

He did, however, suffer from new parent sleep schedules. He did get a vast array of bodily fluids all over him. He did help teach his kids to use the bathroom. He taught them to swim and he'll be the one to teach them to drive. Some nights he makes dinner, some nights I do. When the kids have a problem or a question, we address it as a team.

I am so glad that your pregnancy/pregnancies were so smooth that you can claim that pregnancy is easier than raising kids. I won't ever agree to that. My pregnancies resulted in the most delightful people in my life, but it absolutely wrecked my body permanently.

I know someone who’d had a solid organ transplant. She was never told not to have a second pregnancy, so she did. Well she lost the baby, sadly, but the pregnancy wreaked such havoc on the donated organ that she had to have another transplant. So two different family members donated organs to her (with all that that involves). And she never got that second child she dreamed of. I think that surrogacy in this type of situation is how the practice got started in the first place. I think in her case she felt she already had one child and didn’t want to ask anything more of family, plus she was often unwell, so she did not pursue the surrogacy option. But had she had no children at all, it might have been something she thought about more.

Beautiful story, @theMoreDisneytheBetter, thanks for sharing!

 

[mom2rtk]

What @Sinder said. Also, the surrogate may be at lower risk for complications than the intended mother due to any number of medical reasons. Can’t imagine a lot of people would go into surrogacy if they were high risk for complications.

Just to be clear, this thread was never about people choosing surrogacy becuase of health issues. It was about people choosing it for convenience (even specified in the title), which is a whole different discussion. I am not anti surrogacy at all. I'm thrilled for those who have medical issues and have been able to find ways to have the children they long for. Just thought it would be interesting to discuss this growing into something people choose for non-medical reasons.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Just to be clear, this thread was never about people choosing surrogacy becuase of health issues. It was about people choosing it for convenience (even specified in the title), which is a whole different discussion. I am not anti surrogacy at all. I'm thrilled for those who have medical issues and have been able to find ways to have the children they long for. Just thought it would be interesting to discuss this growing into something people choose for non-medical reasons.

Good to clarify, because they seemed to be lumped together in this conversation. I could see how some could object to one but not the other; and conversely how some see either as fine - or either as not fine.

My concern has been sort of defining the differences (egg use or not) as many people don’t really understand the intricacies of how it all works.

I guess in the US we don’t differentiate whether surrogacy is done for health reasons or convenience. Either is legal. Whether they’re morally acceptable to people is seemingly another matter. And that’s ok. Discussions are good.

Thanks for bringing up the topic.

 

[Disneylover99]

I love the idea of surrogacy for convenience. I hated pregnancy.

I would never have done it though, cause I’m too much of a control freak. I’d be wondering/worried if the surrogate was eating properly, taking Prenatal vitamins, engaging in any unsafe behaviours - lol, whatever that means.

 

[slo]

Apparently Jamie Chung and her husband have welcomed twins by surrogacy. They chose surrogacy becuase pregnancy would hurt her career.

Thoughts?

https://www.buzzfeed.com/larryfitzm...&utm_source=dynamic&utm_campaign=bftwbuzzfeed

I’m showing up late to the party, but my opinion is that I have no opinion.
I LOVED being pregnant with both my girls and I can’t imagine having someone else being pregnant with my child, but whatever anyone else does is no concern to me. A baby(ies) being wanted and loved, regardless how they come into a parents life, is what’s most important.

 

[MillauFr]

Who is she?

 

[Karin1984]

It's about choice. There are more medical procedures people have out of some form of convenience. Not saying it's the case for all, but some people go for weightloss surgery because of convenience. The option for these procedures exists, therefore people should be able to use the option without being judged for their reason why.

I think if we look for all the options we have nowadays to make our lives more convenient, we can go on for quite a while. If we stick to children related: Nannies and au pairs, breastfeeding vs. bottle, after school care (I assume you have this in the US), childcare in general. These are all choices people can make out of necessity or out of convenience.

 

[mjkacmom]

So you'd be OK if someone chose to buy a baby?

Surrogacy to me means renting a uterus, not the same as selling a baby.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Just to be clear, this thread was never about people choosing surrogacy becuase of health issues. It was about people choosing it for convenience (even specified in the title), which is a whole different discussion. I am not anti surrogacy at all. I'm thrilled for those who have medical issues and have been able to find ways to have the children they long for. Just thought it would be interesting to discuss this growing into something people choose for non-medical reasons.

I’m aware. You keep focusing on feeling it’s unethical to put pregnancy risks on a paid surrogate instead of taking on those risks yourself, because all pregnancies come with risks. So, if a healthy 38 year old woman decides to hire a 26 year old surrogate because pregnancy will be less risky and likely easier for the younger woman, would that be okay with you? There’s no diagnosed medical reason the 38 year old couldn’t carry her own child, potentially, but she’s advanced maternal age so she’s considered higher risk and she just doesn’t feel comfortable with that. Would that be a valid reason in your mind?

Or what about a healthy woman in her 20s who has not yet had any children or health problems herself but whose mother, grandmother, and sister have all had significant, life threatening complications with their pregnancies. She doesn’t want to attempt pregnancy because she feels there’s a good chance she will also have these issues. Is it okay for her to hire a surrogate? What about a young healthy woman whose best friend died due to complications? There’s nothing to indicate she would have any problems carrying a pregnancy, but she’s traumatized and terrified and too scared to try. What about a woman who never attempts to get pregnant and then at the age of 46 hires a surrogate? Is that okay? Yes, it will be medically necessary for her to use a surrogate, but geez, she didn’t even try when she had the chance! So maybe her choice is really more about convenience. What about me? I‘ve had two kids and five miscarriages. I have no diagnosed medical issues and obviously I can successfully carry a pregnancy to term, but I have to go through a lot of miscarriages to get there. Is it okay for me to say screw it, I’m just going to hire someone so I don’t have to keep going through miscarriages? And at which number miscarriage would that choice have become medically acceptable vs. for convenience?

The reasons women choose surrogacy are many, they span a broad spectrum, and they are often complex. The lines between “health” and “convenience” are blurred. Pregnancy is a situation where everyone’s health is affected and where it would probably be more convenient for anyone to not have to put themselves through it, no matter what their reasons are for choosing surrogacy. It is not something that can be legislated, IMO, to say Woman A’s reason is valid but Woman B’s is not.

 

[LSUmiss]

Geez. I had radiation and chemo and if I decided to have children I would have considered the surrogate route because I have lots of concerns about my eggs and my ability to carry full term. People really love to judge. Who cares how they had their children as long as they love them and are happy to have them.

Medical reasons & vanity are 2 different things to me.

 

[LSUmiss]

wow, seriously, so someone who wants to be a mother but does not want to get pregnant is lazy and and entitled for choosing another way?

So is it the fact that she choose surrogacy or the fact that her reason for choosing surrogacy not the social norm that has rattled your cage?

So exactly my point, that a womans worth to society is based on whether or not her uterus is used.

No, it’s that pregnancy is just one tiny sacrifice of motherhood & if you can’t deal with that, then the rest is gonna be real tough! Ppl who can get pregnant & have to use surrogates have no choice. But, imo to do it for vanity speaks of selfishness & that is going to be a tough road for her & her child.

 

[LSUmiss]

All of that. If she thinks pregnancy would be a lot then she’s in for a rude awakening. But who’s to say she won’t subcontract most of that out as well.

Well than that’s even worse. Then she bought an accessory.

 

[LSUmiss]

I go to Buzzfeed for the fun and crazy quizzes such as:

Eat Some Chocolate Treats And We'll Tell You Which Disney Villain You Truly Embody.​

My kids and I like to do them together for fun.

I got so tired of people asking if I was going to have a second, that my response became: "Are you volunteering to come over and change their diapers?" People shut up after that.

A friend of mine's father committed suicide because improperly treated bipolar disorder. She has really bad bipolar disorder which is still a problem even with medicine and therapy. She had a lot of trouble finding a doctor who would remove her uterus even though it would be unsafe for her to get pregnant. She would have to go off of her medicine during pregnancy. She was also afraid of passing the gene down to a child. She was a good person but would be a bad mother because of her mood swings.

During my first pregnancy, I couldn't work because the pregnancy took such a toll on my body. I puked every day of my pregnancy. My second newborn was so big that my OB told me I needed to get part-time child care so I could heal from my emergency C-section. He was afraid I would injure myself or break open my incision carrying around such a heavy baby. He was 10.4 lbs at birth. Newborn babies were easier than that.

That advice assumes someone can afford a night nurse. If you're nursing then you need to get up at night to either nurse or breastfeed. If you don't you might have a great deal of pain or health issues.

The more I parent, the less I judge other parents' choices unless they cause physical, mental and/or emotional harm.

Whoa! 10.2! DS was 9.2 & I thought that was rough! I’m petite so carrying him was rough! Was that full term? DS was emergency c-section at 37 weeks so I can’t imagine what I would have been dealing with at 40 weeks!

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Did I really need to specify with the word "legally"? Sheesh.

Sure do. Welcome to the Dis.

And FYI PSA, you need to cover every single solitary scenario someone could possibly make up to quibble with you too whether it's being discussed or not.

 

[LSUmiss]

Oh I just have to disagree with you there. As I said previously, when you have a rough pregnancy, you suffer through it alone. Your partner may be understanding and empathize, but he can't take any of the burden from you.

Of course I enjoyed feeling my children move and talking to them and holding them immediately after delivering them. But my body went through absolute hades to get me there. And still does to some degrees.

I carried and delivered 5 healthy babies. With my first one, I weighed only about 5 pounds more when I delivered her than when I conceived her because I was so, so sick, even after being on bedrest for the last month because of high blood pressure issues that led to preeclampsia. And she was 6lb 7oz. And after she was born, DH was an absolute godsend. We have really been able to raise our kids as a team, which is so helpful. Growing them is a full time - solo job. Raising them, you have support and assistance (if you're fortunate to), but growing them is something only the birth mother does so everything is dependent on her and her body.

Not everyone has help to raise the children either.

 

[TippyThomas]

Who is she?

Google.com

 

[MamaBelle4]

Not everyone has help to raise the children either.

That is certainly true, which is why I said, "if you're fortunate to".

 

[TipsyTraveler]

No, it’s that pregnancy is just one tiny sacrifice of motherhood & if you can’t deal with that, then the rest is gonna be real tough! Ppl who can get pregnant & have to use surrogates have no choice. But, imo to do it for vanity speaks of selfishness & that is going to be a tough road for her & her child.

First, I have to implore you to stop saying”pregnancy is just one tiny sacrifice of motherhood.” It’s a fact that pregnancy can debilitate women, temporarily or permanently, and it can kill them. Dying is not a tiny sacrifice.

Secondly, I’m curious to know what kind of mother you think I am. I might have been the first in the thread to say I would’ve happily chosen surrogacy simply because I didn’t want to go through pregnancy. I would’ve also been happy to adopt, or welcome stepchildren, or take in a stray from the side of the road, whatever. I didn’t really care by which means children came into my life, I couldn’t care less if they were genetically related to me, I just wanted kids but I really, reallllly did not want to go through pregnancy, both because of the inherent risks and for vanity reasons. Does feeling that way make me a crappy mother?

Unfortunately, after looking at my options, the only affordable and most-guaranteed way for me to build a family was to birth them myself. So I did. Does that mean I’m now a good mom because I buckled and made that “tiny sacrifice” even though my heart wasn’t in it? What about the fact that I ultimately endured a ton of health problems as a result and went through 7 pregnancies to get two kids? Does that put me in the ranks of Mother Teresa, or am I still selfish and my kids are in for a hard road because I can look back and say, “Yeah, hiring a surrogate would’ve been great.”

 

[MillauFr]

Google.com

Seems like a C lister at best. Seems like the c listers really have to go all out to get any kind of press positive or negative.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

Medical reasons & vanity are 2 different things to me.

Not your uterus, not your business.

However someone chooses to make a family, that is their business. Adoption, surrogacy, pregnancy, no children at all. Not your family, not your business.