Suicide by thought?

[jazzielady]

My husband has a death wish. Oh, I don't mean he does dangerous stuff, or abuses himself.

But he is convinced he's going to die soon, and he won't stop talking about it.

He had a thorough physical a few years ago and was fine. Oh, he's 56.

He has gone to counseling but has pulled the wool over the psych.'s eyes. He won't be honest with her and won't let me go with him.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[handinpocket]

Well....um...that is strange in the best of circumstances. Don't know what to tell you, lol.

 

[3prettyprincesses]

Did your DH lose someone at that age, 56? My grandfather died when he was only 48 and my dad would talk like he too was going to die at the same age as his dad. It was incredibly morbid and used to make me really angry. He's alive and well, and it's been 10 years past his supposed time to die. I hope you can work this out with him. Good luck.

 

[disneybound2010]

I was thinking the same thing as a previous poster. Maybe someone he knows died around that age and he is scared of it happening to him. My mother was scared she was going to die at 33, the age her mother died. She lived 20 years longer. She passed at 53.

I have the same worry and fear to a degree. My Grandfather(on Mom's side) died at 63. Her Mom died at 33, my Mom died at 53. I have told DH that I am scared to turn 43...and I probably will be more disturbed by it as I get closer to that age. I know it is rather irrational, but it is still a fear.

 

[Tink888]

My DH is 52 and lost his father to cancer at age 56. DH was 12 at the time. He worries about dying.

I think too, that people tend to worry about dying more as they get older.

 

[4nana]

How very sad , must be tough on you also. Hope somehow he overcomes such terrible thoughts and begins to enjoy life to the fullest.

 

[Happy Mom2]

Around the time of our 1 year anniversary, I was talking about how fast the year went by and that we would wake up one day and will have been married 50 years. DH just said, "That won't happen. I'm going to die in my forties." DH will turn 40 in January, but he has never mentioned it again. His dad died in his late 40s, but it was strange circumstances. He was diabetic, and had already had one kidney transplant. When that kidney started going bad, instead of getting another transplant, he just quit taking his medicine and died. Now that we have kids, I think DH will do whatever it takes to stay alive.

 

[robinb]

He has gone to counseling but has pulled the wool over the psych.'s eyes. He won't be honest with her and won't let me go with him.

The psych may not talk to you but you can talk to him/her. If they don't know about his worry then you may want to call them and rat him out.

 

[Sheree Bobbins]

What a tough situation. I think your husband is suffering from an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. Do what you can to get him back into treatment. And be gentle with yourself. You're going through a lot supporting him.

 

[portocall]

Seems like anxiety as others have said. My grandparents have been convinced they are close to death for 20 years now and it is frustrating. Of course they are still ticking...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My husband has a death wish. Oh, I don't mean he does dangerous stuff, or abuses himself.

But he is convinced he's going to die soon, and he won't stop talking about it.

He had a thorough physical a few years ago and was fine. Oh, he's 56.

He has gone to counseling but has pulled the wool over the psych.'s eyes. He won't be honest with her and won't let me go with him.

Thanks for letting me vent.

He has OCD over dying. It is an anxiety issue and a common one actually.

Is he currently seeing a counselor? Maybe you can get him to agree to see one together. See one who is recommended for anxiety. I think it is cognitive behavioral therapists.

My dd has one and she is terrific. Now granted my dd is 13 and WANTS to be better. She has anxiety over many things but is on meds and works on her anxiety when she is faced with it.
Things are managable now. We put up with some of it, like the touching OCD.

You both need to find a happy medium. That is really the key. You cannot erase anxiety but you can both work on it to deal better.

Has he been to a psychiatrist and tried different meds? They may help him.

Just remember anxiety esp. OCD can be torture to the sufferer. They want to stop but cannot.

 

[dissybroad]

Wow, how helpless you must feel. I agree with posters above that continued treatment may help your husband. I would also suggest that you look into NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness which provides supports for families.

 

[jazzielady]

Thank you for all your kind replies.

His brother, younger, just died on the 10th of a massive stroke and brain hemmorhage. All my husband does is keep saying that it should have been him.

I'm tired of the drama. If he isn't going to get help for his anxiety/depression/mental illness/whatever it is, I don't want to hear about it anymore.

Again, thanks to everyone, and thank you for allowing me to vent.

 

[Imzadi]

His brother, younger, just died on the 10th of a massive stroke and brain hemmorhage. All my husband does is keep saying that it should have been him.

He sounds like he has survivor's guilt at being older and the one to outlive a younger brother. I would also call it a self fulfilling prophecy than a death wish.

It sounds like he's not addressing the root cause in therapy. Counselors/therapists aren't mind readers. If someone doesn't alert then to the issues, they can't pull it out of thin air.

We sometimes have people we call "door knob clients." They spend the whole session being vague, saying life is fine, they can't possibly think why they have a problem. Then, when their session is up, and their hand is literally on the door knob, they "suddenly" mention, "Oh, could the fact that I was molested at age 4 have anything to do with this?" DUH!

A) They either suddenly want more time & attention. Like they expect us to cancel the next person in the waiting room, because they made this grand pronouncement. That's supposed to be our way of showing how important they really are, and how much they can trust us with such a delicate issue, that we will drop everything for them. (Well, the client in the waiting room could have also been molested, too.)

B) They didn't want to really get the issue addressed. 50 minutes is a long time to deal with an issue with a skilled person, who is not going to let it go. Knowing there is no more session time, they get to lay their bombshell, not deal with it in the time they did have, and then blame the counselor for not helping them.

In your DH's case, sounds like he never brought up the real issues. Also, is he on certain meds? Some of them cause depression, anxiety & thoughts of suicide & death.

 

[jazzielady]

He sounds like he has survivor's guilt at being older and the one to outlive a younger brother. I would also call it a self fulfilling prophecy than a death wish.

It sounds like he's not addressing the root cause in therapy. Counselors/therapists aren't mind readers. If someone doesn't alert then to the issues, they can't pull it out of thin air.

We sometimes have people we call "door knob clients." They spend the whole session being vague, saying life is fine, they can't possibly think why they have a problem. Then, when their session is up, and their hand is literally on the door knob, they "suddenly" mention, "Oh, could the fact that I was molested at age 4 have anything to do with this?" DUH!

A) They either suddenly want more time & attention. Like they expect us to cancel the next person in the waiting room, because they made this grand pronouncement. That's supposed to be our way of showing how important they really are, and how much they can trust us with such a delicate issue, that we will drop everything for them. (Well, the client in the waiting room could have also been molested, too.)

B) They didn't want to really get the issue addressed. 50 minutes is a long time to deal with an issue with a skilled person, who is not going to let it go. Knowing there is no more session time, they get to lay their bombshell, not deal with it in the time they did have, and then blame the counselor for not helping them.

In your DH's case, sounds like he never brought up the real issues. Also, is he on certain meds? Some of them cause depression, anxiety & thoughts of suicide & death.

He's not on any meds right now except spiriva. He won't take what was prescribed nor talk to the doctor about it.

I believe he fits into situation #2 you describe. He doesn't want to deal with his issues.

Can you tell me if I have a right to call his therapist and tell her what's going on?

 

[3prettyprincesses]

If I may ask, why did he start going to therapy in the 1st place? Was it due to depression? Did he begin going before he started talking about his time to die? It must be a horribly frustrating thing to deal with.

 

[Imzadi]

Yes, call. Tell him or her you have concerns about DH and that he talks of death. This raises the counseling to a different category. It will then be up to the therapist how to address this. (S)he may have to talk to DH first, before talking to you. Or she may get enough info just in your stating WHY you want to talk to her. Or, even if (s)he doesn't talk to you, (s)he is, at least alerted about how serious the situation is. (S)he can't address it, if (s)he doesn't know.

There is another possibility. The "fit" between DH and the therapist may not be right. He may need to go to someone else. he may not feel he can about this with the current therapist. They all work in soooo many different ways, and have different specializations. He may not have confidence that this particular therapist can handle his situation.

A client/therapist relationship is built on trust. It's like opening one's soul with a can opener. If he feels he can't trust that the therapist is capable of handling it, or will handle the situation well, he won't open up, or bring the real issues up. Some people really have to shop around to find a good fit. Often times, clients do dance around the issues for several sessions waiting for it to feel right, that there is enough of a relationship built up. It's like finding a best friend. Not all people fit together.

Some people just don't know, that what seems a normal part of their situation IS the situation, so they don't think to bring it up. "Oh, was I supposed to tell you about that? I've been thinking about that for years. I didn't know it was relevant." Then the brother dies, and it is the stressor that brings it all to a head, but they don't realize it. Of course not, that is what the therapist is for. To help put it all together.

 

[jazzielady]

If I may ask, why did he start going to therapy in the 1st place? Was it due to depression? Did he begin going before he started talking about his time to die? It must be a horribly frustrating thing to deal with.

He started therapy about 4 years ago when he was caught at work going on an overnight school trip (he's a music director) under the influence. It was either therapy or be fired. He was diagnosed as an alcoholic due to depression. He has been talking about this for much longer than his brother's death, so it's definitely not a guilt thing.

 

[Imzadi]

He started therapy about 4 years ago when he was caught at work going on an overnight school trip (he's a music director) under the influence. It was either therapy or be fired. He was diagnosed as an alcoholic due to depression. He has been talking about this for much longer than his brother's death, so it's definitely not a guilt thing.

So he has a documented history of depression. I thought this therapy was new for him. This is why it's hard to give suggestions in these kinds of threads, there is so much info usually inadvertently left out. And you really need to get this evaluated in real life with a professional than relying on any on-line suggestions I give. That is my disclaimer. I don't have his full details.

Since it was a forced therapy, he may have gotten good at not talking about the issues. And this has become a 4 year dance he and his therapist have developed together.

He might have always brought up his preoccupation with death. Some people have that. But, there is a difference in talking about death and voluntarily or involuntarily doing actions to oneself that puts one in danger. (Which requires a threat assessment.)

His brother's death is a recent stressor. It should be mentioned to the therapist. But, it could be he just talks about death more since it is in the forefront of his mind. Or there could be subtle shifts in his behavior, that you don't know to look for or to mention, that signal there is more of a danger. Again, you need to get this addressed off-line and get a proper evaluation.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Have to agree with PP.

Also you might benefit from counseling as well. You can learn strategies for dealing with his issues.

Also AL-Anon is a great resource to use. It is local and you may get pointed in the direction of help from the other members.