Suggestions on How to Get my Mother to Eat?

[MIGrandma]

Some of you may remember my Mom going into a nursing home about a year and a half ago (October 2015) after having a slight stroke, and she'd been having depression issues and not eating well, etc. She started doing better when she went into the nursing home, they were having her do physical therapy to strengthen her legs and arms, she was eating better and went from 68 pounds back up to 87 (she only weighed 85 when she got married, has always been tiny). She was participating in activities and enjoying her life there. She had been on a depression medication but they took her off and she started going back downhill so put her back on it (I can't remember the name of it) and has been back on it for a couple of months now but still not doing well. And she just doesn't seem to care.

She had an infection a couple of weeks ago and had been getting rocephin shots and started feeling better but still not eating well and is down to 67 pounds as of today. I had a care conference a month or so ago with her and the nurses and dietician and they asked her "do you realize you could die if you keep losing weight and not eating?" Her response was "well, we all gotta go sometime."

She just doesn't seem to care about anything anymore. And she has lost interest in playing bingo and euchre, basically just sleeps most of the time. She had fallen a few times (didn't break anything, thankfully) so they took away her walker and she now has to use a wheelchair. Doesn't seem to bother her.

She turned 80 last week and we had a family gathering for her, she requested I make peanut butter cake which I did, but she ate two bites of it and wouldn't even finish the small piece I had given her. She preferred to eat raw carrots (we had a veggie tray, meats/cheeses/crackers, etc.). I do take her a milkshake when I go visit and she will usually drink about half of it.

I just wish I knew what to do, to make her interested in food again. She gets to choose her meals at the nursing home, she doesn't have to just eat whatever they bring her. If we take her out to eat she likes Chinese but even then doesn't eat much. Physically there isn't any reason for her to give up on food like she has. I really don't know how to help her.

Has anyone else here been through something similar with their elderly parent? Any advice?

 

[kimblebee]

I'm sorry for what you're dealing with, it can't be easy.

Would the 'threat' of a feeding tube be something that would get her motivated? I really don't know what else to suggest. Hopefully someone comes along with a better idea.

 

[Simba's Mom]

I sympathize with you. DH and I were just having this conversation today-both mothers eat so little. You mentioned depression. Remember, a lack of interest in food and eating is a major symptom of depression.

 

[MIGrandma]

I'm sorry for what you're dealing with, it can't be easy.

Would the 'threat' of a feeding tube be something that would get her motivated? I really don't know what else to suggest. Hopefully someone comes along with a better idea.

She signed a DNR when she first moved to the nursing home, and after she got better I asked her if she wanted to change that and she said no, she didn't.

I had already mentioned a feeding tube to her and she said she didn't want one and would refuse it.

I think she is just "ready to go." And it saddens me because other than mild dementia she's fine.

She's going to be a great-great-grandmother in September and even that doesn't seem to make her care.

I had a conversation with one of the nurses at the nursing facility today and she was going to call the doctor and let him know she'd lost more weight. I really don't know what they can do to help her.

 

[Pipkin]

I would get my mother something different from what she usually gets each day. One day it might have been bread pudding, another day a burger from Wendy's. Just something unavailable where she is.

 

[MIGrandma]

I sympathize with you. DH and I were just having this conversation today-both mothers eat so little. You mentioned depression. Remember, a lack of interest in food and eating is a major symptom of depression.

Yes, I know. She is already on medication for depression. She had always said she "wasn't depressed" but when they put her on the medication she got her appetite back and started enjoying things again. I have no idea why they took her off it, since it was doing what it was supposed to, and when she started going back downhill they put her back on it but it doesn't seem to be doing anything for her this time.

 

[Meeko5]

Have you talked to the team about appetite stimulants? Sometimes that will help get patients to eat more.

Sounds like much of her not eating is emotional/mental, and unfortunately there simply isn't a lot you can do but continue to encourage/make sure she always has access to foods she likes. Most of my patients end up getting more upset and resentful if they are nagged and nagged about eating and it backfires. See if you can find protein drinks/shakes that she likes - such as ensure, or boost. Those will help in place of missed meals if she will drink them.

And most importantly, be honest and talk with her. There's a good chance she knows that not eating is harming her but can't do anything. Talk to her about depression, talk to the docs about trying a new med, or adding another maybe?

Hugs!

 

[Planogirl]

The feeding tube threat is an interesting idea. That type of thing helped me.

I had no appetite for months after my accident. I was also nauseous much of the time. I wasn't elderly but I needed food to heal and I was pretty much rejecting all of it.

I was cajoled and fussed at but that made no difference. At some point friends discussed health and healing with me and I forced myself to eat after that. It got easier over time.

Does eating bother her physically or does she just not have an appetite? What about things that she does enjoy? She wouldn't have to eat a lot of course. Also the food in some of these facilities is really bad which doesn't help.

Good luck with this. I know that it's rough.

 

[adisneyaunt]

Oh ... so difficult!
I really suggest speaking with the care provider ( nursing home.. nutritionist, dr, nurse, ) who is responsible for her actual care. They should be atop her weight loss and that *flag* should not be ignored.
I'd be more upset with them than ur mom who appears to be dealing with depression (?) and possibly another medical issue?? Depression eeks away at her "will" ..so difficult for her!
You're being Proactive by reaching out with those tempting shakes, taking her out, making her favorites, asking here... that's great! There seems no "one size fits all" will be applicable but I pray she rallies up ( for her kids n grandkids?.. something to look forward to... any bdays/gatherings etc?
Best of health to her... and strength to you too

 

[Wishing on a star]

Threats are not going to be a good thing, at all.....

The first thing that strikes me is the break in the psych meds that were helpful for her.
Why did that even happen?????

The second thing that occurs to me is the infection and the antibiotic(?) shots that she had.
Along with infection.
These kind of things can also wreak havoc with one's appetite, one's state of mind, etc...

I would suggest a concerted effort to get her body and meds re-stablized. Assuming that the infection is taken care of.
Could she possibly be agreeable to 'boost' type drinks (can be blended with ice into milkshakes) vitamins, supplements, etc.
That can help too.

'Pushing' can often backfire.
When people lose so much of their autonomy and control over their lives/situations, then not-eating can be a form of taking control.

Do not think of it s "How can 'I' get her to eat...."
But, more like: "How can we do what is best for her health."

 

[MIGrandma]

Have you talked to the team about appetite stimulants? Sometimes that will help get patients to eat more.

Sounds like much of her not eating is emotional/mental, and unfortunately there simply isn't a lot you can do but continue to encourage/make sure she always has access to foods she likes. Most of my patients end up getting more upset and resentful if they are nagged and nagged about eating and it backfires. See if you can find protein drinks/shakes that she likes - such as ensure, or boost. Those will help in place of missed meals if she will drink them.

And most importantly, be honest and talk with her. There's a good chance she knows that not eating is harming her but can't do anything. Talk to her about depression, talk to the docs about trying a new med, or adding another maybe?

Hugs!

Thanks for the hugs The nurses try to get her to drink the protein shakes, she will only drink enough to take her morning and evening medications. She got tired of the butter pecan flavor so they switched her to vanilla and she doesn't want much of that one either. She used to drink two of them daily when she lived on her own. I've tried to bring snacks to her but she just doesn't care about them. The nurses even asked if they could bring her a snack when she was playing cards and she said no. She used to love peanut butter cookies so I take homemade ones to her sometimes, she always ate them right up, but the last bag she only ate one, the rest of them just stayed in the bag on her tray until they were finally thrown away. Every time I visit I ask if there is anything I can bring her, and I make suggestions, but she doesn't want anything other than the occasional milk shake. It's hard to not know how to help her. But, she doesn't seem to want to be helped, and doesn't want to help herself either.

 

[Meeko5]

Thanks for the hugs The nurses try to get her to drink the protein shakes, she will only drink enough to take her morning and evening medications. She got tired of the butter pecan flavor so they switched her to vanilla and she doesn't want much of that one either. She used to drink two of them daily when she lived on her own. I've tried to bring snacks to her but she just doesn't care about them. The nurses even asked if they could bring her a snack when she was playing cards and she said no. She used to love peanut butter cookies so I take homemade ones to her sometimes, she always ate them right up, but the last bag she only ate one, the rest of them just stayed in the bag on her tray until they were finally thrown away. Every time I visit I ask if there is anything I can bring her, and I make suggestions, but she doesn't want anything other than the occasional milk shake. It's hard to not know how to help her. But, she doesn't seem to want to be helped, and doesn't want to help herself either.

Your last sentence there sums up depression pretty Well...sounds like an assessment of her meds with the doc should be the next step. You're doing a great job being encouraging, but if there's a chemical imbalance in her brain going on, no amount of favorite foods is going to fix it. is she staying hydrated at least? A mostly inactive elderly person can survive on surprisingly small amounts of food, but dehydration is a big concern here too.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Every time I visit I ask if there is anything I can bring her, and I make suggestions, but she doesn't want anything other than the occasional milk shake. It's hard to not know how to help her. But, she doesn't seem to want to be helped, and doesn't want to help herself either.

Yes... so hard!!!!!
I, too, am sending hugs.

But, I am going to go out on a limb and put my flame-suit on...
She has every right..

I have always, always, ALWAYS felt strongly that what goes into my mouth, my child's mouth, ANYONE'S mouth, is nobody else's.

Focus on taking care of all the meds, etc... The needed medical care. Any true medical issues that could be having an effect.
Continue to make different options available.

Don't push 'eating'...
Push 'hugs'!!!!!

 

[cabanafrau]

Yes... so hard!!!!!
I, too, am sending hugs.

But, I am going to go out on a limb and put my flame-suit on...
She has every right..

I have always, always, ALWAYS felt strongly that what goes into my mouth, my child's mouth, ANYONE'S mouth, is nobody else's.

Focus on taking care of all the meds, etc... The needed medical care. Any true medical issues that could be having an effect.
Continue to make different options available.

Don't push 'eating'...
Push 'hugs'!!!!!

That kind of platitude is all well and fine -- except for the fact that we are talking about a senior who is also described as having some "mild dementia" and a history of depression issues. Now I am not suggesting forcing this lady to eat by any means. However, I do think the situation merits some review.

OP, it's a shame they removed your mother from the depression meds when they were working for her. She likely needs a thorough review for the depression meds, anything regarding the dementia, as well as how both the infection and the antibiotics may have caused an alteration in her mental status. It may be she needs a new depression med or something added to her regimen at this time to get the brain chemistry back on the right track. Seniors with infections and dementia can also cause their own series of events. Push for a thorough review regarding physical and mental status, as well as the interplay between the two. Very best of luck to you.

 

[DaisyJ]

Has she had her teeth checked lately? Maybe it is painful for her to eat, which is why she prefers the shakes. I'd bring her some Ensure or Boost in different flavors and see if that can tempt her to at least get some calories in her.

I'm sorry, it is so hard dealing with elderly parents when you don't know what to do.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

Have them review her meds and make sure she is on the right ones for her. Stop pushing the food as that just may make her resentful. If it's there and available maybe she will eat it if she isn't being nagged to (not that you are nagging by any means). Those boost drinks are nasty. Maybe try just a milkshake like you've been bringing. I don't have much to offer besides I know it's difficult. When they get older they do not eat as much especially if they are not moving around to burn it off. Hugs to you and to your mom

 

[rastahomie]

Cannabis treats depression and is used as an appetite stimulant. Mrs. Homie's grandmother was, unbeknowst to her, put on a pharmaceutical derivative called Marinol, and it did wonders for her. If it's legal in your state (or even if it isn't), a 5mg dose (about a quarter of a cookie) will brighten her day and get her eating again. Trust me.

 

[amberpi]

Sending so many blessings your way...

 

[Mizzoufan]

If it was me I would offer to get her whatever she wanted from whereever she wanted. Or make some of her favorite foods to bring up

 

[mom2rtk]

Hugs to you as you move forward dealing with this.

I used to rep one of the lesser known anti-depressants. It was ideal for elderly depressed patients just like your mom. It treated the depression while increasing the appetite. I would talk to the doctor and see if her can recommend something that will fit both needs.