Suggestions for a friend having child problems

[chager]

Ok I have a friend that is having issues with their DD5. Here is her schedule:
She gets up at 5:45am
Starts latchkey at 7:15
Kindergarten plus program at 8:20 to 11:00
Lunch 11:00 to 11:40
Kindergarten 11:45 to 2:20
latchkey from 2:20 to 4:30
home at 5:00
bed at 7ish

Basically this child went from having naps at a babysitters to this school schedule. We have tried to tell them she is tired. As most adults would be! She also went from having approx 3-4 hours a night with mom and dad to less then 2 including dinner and bath. She doesn't want to go to school. Throws a fit every morning, says tummy hurts, etc. Her parents have taken her back home due to these fits and returned with her later. She has a younger sib that is 3. He goes to a babysitter during the day. We are trying to gently explain that you can't give in because she is learning that throwing a fit means getting her way. She is not asking me opinions because I have already told her my answers and she doesn't like them. So she is asking our friend her opinions now. I got a phone call from the mutual friend tonight asking my opinion and I told her I already gave it and what I said. (Schedule is a little much, too much stimulation, not enough down time, don't let her get her way, tell her no, spend some one on one time) I only have one child and he has really been a blessing. Great kid, but did go through 3 years of "I don't want to go to school, my tummy hurts" along with serious temper tantrums. He would be fine once at school though. We enlisted the help of teachers and the principal to get him in the building in the morning though. So I do know a little about what she is going through. We also suggested a "I did good" chart. Any other suggestions? My friend and I are stuck as to what else to say. Help?

 

[rie'smom]

Why did they have another child if they can't spend time with the first?

 

[MELSMICE]

Not sure I have any other suggestions than the ones you have already given your friend. I agree with you that the day is too long for such a young child, she is tired & too over stimulated.

Two questions - does she really have to get up so early? Even another 1/2 hour of sleep might help. Also, I realize she is getting up very early, but is she expected to go to sleep at 7 p.m. or is that when she starts to wind down?

If she is expected to be in bed & sleeping at 7 p.m. I think this is unrealistic, considering she just got home at 5 p.m. She probably has to fit in dinner, bath, some playtime, etc. & then all of a sudden bed!! It's too much for a 5 year old. I'd say 8 p.m. would be better & if possible give her a little extra time for sleep in the morning. Who cares if she eats breakfast in the car - that could be a "special treat" every morning for not giving her parents a hard time about going to school.

Not sure where they can change their schedule, but it sure seems like it needs to be changed. Hope your friend realizes it soon.

 

[daisyduck123]

I feel sorry for the little girl.

IMO, the problem is obvious -- she's not getting enough down time with any parent. I wouldn't want to be in school all day, and stuck at daycare when I'm not in class.

I'm a first grade teacher, & I've seen this many times (with the kids that go to the before/after care program at our school. They are at school from 7am-6pm. Ridiculous.

It's too bad one of her parents can't change their work schedule so that the little girl only has to go to daycare either in the am or pm.

 

[wdwpluto]

Can you explain how a 5 y/o does latch key? I'm not sure I understand that part of it...

 

[ilovejack02]

Can you explain how a 5 y/o does latch key? I'm not sure I understand that part of it...

I would bet that is before care and after care.
That child is at school and away from parents for too long. Only 2 hours at night with a parent including dinner and bath and then off to bed. Poor baby girl needs a little more time with the parents. If at all possible they need to look at how they can accomplish that, she prob also needs to sleep a little later in the morning.

 

[azgal81]

Wow that's some schedule. The parents need to hang out with their child. Spending two hours a day with your kid is just wrong no wonder the kid is throwing a fit.

 

[becka]

Well let's just take your friend out back and stone her for obviously not caring about her kids. All this and to have to gall to have another one....doesn't everyone know that only SAHM's really spend time with their kids

I am sure the adjustment to K is tough. It is tough for a lot of kids - even those who are not in daycare in addition to school. K is a lot harder than it used to be when we were kids and so much is expected of them. Plus some kids just physically still need nap time at that age while others are fine without a midday siesta. I would think having them work with the teachers (they have probably seen this many, many times) and try to make sure that she is sleeping well at night are good places to start. I used to be exhausted as a kid even with a good number of hours of sleep but my tonsils were swollen and my sleep was restless even though I did not realize it. I had my tonsils out and slept so much better.

Just for disclosure purposes because I am sure I will be flamed for my above comments my kids have the following schedule on weekdays.

6:00 Wake Up
7:30 - 5:00 Daycare
5:30 - Home/Dinner, Etc.
7:00 - DD's Bedtime
8:30 - DS's Bedtime

I guess I should join the friend out back especially since my DD only gets 90 minutes once we get home before she goes to bed.

 

[ilovejack02]

Well let's just take your friend out back and stone her for obviously not caring about her kids. All this and to have to gall to have another one....doesn't everyone know that only SAHM's really spend time with their kids

I am sure the adjustment to K is tough. It is tough for a lot of kids - even those who are not in daycare in addition to school. K is a lot harder than it used to be when we were kids and so much is expected of them. Plus some kids just physically still need nap time at that age while others are fine without a midday siesta. I would think having them work with the teachers (they have probably seen this many, many times) and try to make sure that she is sleeping well at night. I used to be exhausted as a kid even with a good number of hours of sleep but my tonsils were swollen and my sleep was restless even though I did not realize it. I had my tonsils out and slept so much better.

Just for disclosure purposes because I am sure I will be flamed for my above comments my kids have the following schedule on weekdays.

6:00 Wake Up
7:30 - 5:00 Daycare
5:30 - Home/Dinner, Etc.
7:00 - DD's Bedtime
8:30 - DS's Bedtime

I guess I should join the friend out back especially since my DD only gets 90 minutes once we get home before she goes to bed.

LOL, defensive much? Op said they cant figure out what is up with the child. Maybe their schedule is not working for her right now, every child is different, and yes maybe they need to change things up with her. Im guessing your kiddies are doing fine with their schedule and so it doesnt need any adjustment. This isnt a sahm mom thing versus a working parent deal.

 

[robinb]

I don't know. It looks like the kind of schedule for any child whose parents work. Here in the midwest, most people work from 8:00 am - 5:00 pm. Add communting time in and kids are in school or after-school care for 9-10 hours a day. Sure, it sucks. But many (if not most) moms need to work in order to support the family. The only suggestion I might have is for the little girl's sleep schedule be shifted a bit so she goes to bed later and wakes up later. She doesn't need and hour and a half to get up and get to school in the morning! She could wake at 6:15 or 6:30 and still make it to school in time. The little girl could then stay up until 8:00 and spend some more time with her family.

 

[ilovejack02]

I don't know. It looks like the kind of schedule for any child whose parents work. Here in the midwest, most people work from 8:00 am - 5:00 pm. Add communting time in and kids are in school or after-school care for 9-10 hours a day. Sure, it sucks. But many (if not most) moms need to work in order to support the family. The only suggestion I might have is for the little girl's sleep schedule be shifted a bit so she goes to bed later and wakes up later. She doesn't need and hour and a half to get up and get to school in the morning! She could wake at 6:15 or 6:30 and still make it to school in time. The little girl could then stay up until 8:00 and spend some more time with her family.

That sounds like a good idea.

 

[becka]

LOL, defensive much? Op said they cant figure out what is up with the child. Maybe their schedule is not working for her right now, every child is different, and yes maybe they need to change things up with her. Im guessing your kiddies are doing fine with their schedule and so it doesnt need any adjustment. This isnt a sahm mom thing versus a working parent deal.

Maybe so but if just hacks me off to hear people say things like why did you have kids if you can't spend time with them or why did they have a second one if you can't take care of the first, etc...

As Robinb pointed out that is a pretty normal schedule for a full-time working Mom. I am sure it is a difficult adjustment to make but I don't think that telling the Mom that she obviously is not spending enough time with her kids is going to help. I don't know a working Mom who does not wish she could spend more time with her kids - me included. Unfortunately it is not always possible to adjust a schedule by a whole lot if the parents have set working hours.

Making the transition to K is tough and I do sympathize but if the child is exhausted at the end of the day keeping her awake longer to spend more time with her parents in the evening is not necessarily going to help. I try to spend one on one time with my kids in the evening but it is hard with limited hours but I do my best and we try to keep weekends pretty open so we have lots of time together then.

 

[ilovejack02]

Maybe so but if just hacks me off to hear people say things like why did you have kids if you can't spend time with them or why did they have a second one if you can't take care of the first, etc...

As Robinb pointed out that is a pretty normal schedule for a full-time working Mom. I am sure it is a difficult adjustment to make but I don't think that telling the Mom that she obviously is not spending enough time with her kids is going to help. I don't know a working Mom who does not wish she could spend more time with her kids - me included. Unfortunately it is not always possible to adjust a schedule by a whole lot if the parents have set working hours.

Making the transition to K is tough and I do sympathize but if the child is exhausted at the end of the day keeping her awake longer to spend more time with her parents in the evening is not necessarily going to help. I try to spend one on one time with my kids in the evening but it is hard with limited hours but I do my best and we try to keep weekends pretty open so we have lots of time together then.

That was very rude of the PP to say that about having more children, but i have a feeling it was just to stir up trouble.

 

[rie'smom]

That was very rude of the PP to say that about having more children, but i have a feeling it was just to stir up trouble.

I absolutely did not say it to stir trouble. Apparently this child is unhappy and she may need attention from her parents. I feel sorry that she doesn't get to see her parents very much each day. Then in the short amount of time she does have with them,she has to share them with a sibling. It's very sad.

 

[ChrisnSteph]

That sounds like a normal working parents schedule to me. And doesn't latchkey mean that a child is home alone? I wouldn't call daycare latchkey. Anyhow, I think you should not be as critical of how your friend is raising her child, since everyone parents a little differently. You have experienced many of the same problems with your own child, right? Maybe you could be more sympathetic instead of discussing it behind her back with "mutual" friends and making her feel guilty for putting her child in day care and all day kindergarten.

 

[va32h]

My kids never minded being away from me all day in a babysitter situation, but they hated being in a group care setting.

Too much stimulation and noise for them, especially after school when they just wanted to wind down and relax.

Is there any way the babysitter who cares for the 3 year old could pick up the older child after school and care for her as well?

Even better, IMO would be a sitter who could come to their house. This would be more comforting for the children, and give them more time to spend with their parents, since they wouldn't have to be picked up and dropped off.

When I worked, the best thing about having a sitter who came to my house was that my kids didn't have to get up and get dressed at some god-awful hour of the morning. It made them so much happier!

On another note, five is not too young to still need a nap. Or at least a quiet period to relax. But I would say this child still needs a nap. Lack of sleep can make people of any age really crabby and miserable.

 

[honeymom]

That sounds like a normal working parents schedule to me. And doesn't latchkey mean that a child is home alone? I wouldn't call daycare latchkey. Anyhow, I think you should not be as critical of how your friend is raising her child, since everyone parents a little differently. You have experienced many of the same problems with your own child, right? Maybe you could be more sympathetic instead of discussing it behind her back with "mutual" friends and making her feel guilty for putting her child in day care and all day kindergarten.

I think that some daycare programs are called "latchkey programs."

 

[honeymom]

This must be a very difficult situation for your friends and it is admirable that you want to help. You must care about them very much. I am sure that they are working at coming up with a schedule that works best for their child. There may or may not be opportunity for your to give your suggestions;just be careful to be sensitive to what your friends are going through without being judgemental.

 

[robinb]

Is there any way the babysitter who cares for the 3 year old could pick up the older child after school and care for her as well?

Even better, IMO would be a sitter who could come to their house. This would be more comforting for the children, and give them more time to spend with their parents, since they wouldn't have to be picked up and dropped off.

When I worked, the best thing about having a sitter who came to my house was that my kids didn't have to get up and get dressed at some god-awful hour of the morning. It made them so much happier!

On another note, five is not too young to still need a nap. Or at least a quiet period to relax. But I would say this child still needs a nap. Lack of sleep can make people of any age really crabby and miserable.

I think this is a great idea! That way the 5-year old can unwind at home, nap, etc and be less crabby when the parents come home from work.

I think I detect another problem with the schedule on the part of the school district. It appears there are two 1/2 day Kindergarten programs instead of one full day program. In my DD's full day program they had a 30-45 minute rest time in the afternoon to give the kids that needed it some down time. OTOH, when my DD went to afternoon pre-school classes there was no rest period because it was assumed that the kids came to class well-rested and not up at the crack of dawn and going all day. If the afternoon program does not have a rest or down time, then I can see a 5-year old coming home wiped out. Even with the rest period my 5-year old DD was tired in Kindergarten, especially at the start of the school year. She once fell asleep on the bus home and missed her stop!

 

[NMAmy]

That sounds like a normal working parents schedule to me. And doesn't latchkey mean that a child is home alone? I wouldn't call daycare latchkey.

Many schools call their before and after school care programs "Latchkey Programs."

It does sound like a normal working parents schedule to me, as well. I also think keeping her up a bit later and letting her sleep in in the morning would help. DD's bedtime was 8:00 in kindergarten which gave us a bit of extra time together to relax as opposed to that morning rush, rush, rush.