stubborn child help

[joyah]

Okay ladies I'm at my whits end and need your advice.

With all a L's issue's I just have had it. I'm just done with the whole thing.

E just can't keep his behind in the chair and do the homework he makes EVERY excuse to get up play with the dog do anything he can then blames it on me and how I won't help him, don't love him, hate him, wish he'd never been born.
I know that I spend less time with him and homework cause he doesn't need the help. But good gravy kiddo you could have had this done 2 hours ago. I'm sick of the agruments accusations and fights. How can I just get him to understand that I'm here for both of them equally but you need to ask a ? and get an answer I'm not going to answer the problem for you.

I have a migrane and need a glass of wine.....

 

[LindaBabe]

E just can't keep his behind in the chair and do the homework he makes EVERY excuse to get up play with the dog do anything he can

Sounds like me as a kid, Christy. I just *Couldn't* focus. My school career was VERY checkered. Too bad I didn't discover Ritalin until I was 50 years old. (but sad about it too.)

I have no real advice - but you might want to take a look at a copy of Additude Magazine - they have a lot of great strategies for kids with ADD and parents of kids with ADD.http://www.additudemag.com/

 

[party of 3]

So sorry my friend. Hang in there. Tomorrows a new day.
Hugs to all of you.

 

[AlexWyattMommy]

No words of wisdom here. I just get through it one day at a time too.

 

[joyah]

thank you ladies I'm headed for bed

I'm braindead.

 

[Lisa]

I've had my share of a stubborn child, (do not know where she gets it from ) however our circumstance is different from yours so I can't help you with a golden cure all for what you are experiencing, however I can tell you, accenting the positive helps me get thru those real icky days.

 

[mommy2mrb]

Don't have any ideas to help, just know we are here to listen

 

[morgansmom2000]

I have no suggestions either, but wanted you to know that I'm thinkin' of you!

 

[BernardandMissBianca]

how is homework time set up now?

How is L incorporated into this time? Is he around and in need of your attention when E needs you? Is there someone else who can hang out with L while you and E do homework?

For DS8 I have to sit here with him, usually I'm on the computer or paying bills but I sit right next to him and he gets up less. Typically DS9 does homework at the same time and he rarely needs help but he's planted on the other side of me.
I also do homework as soon as we get home. Not only is DS8's meds still in his system but if they go play first, I lose homework mode. I'd rather get it done and out of the way.

Hang in there!!!

 

[ddavis860]

Hang in there!

My DS18 has ADD and school wasn't (isn't) his thing, and he is still the king of procrastination! One day at a time, like everyone said, is how we got thru it. But as an outsider peeking in, I kind of feel that your DS has a pretty big button and he likes to push it. That guilt stuff is gonna make crazy! Try not to be so hard on yourself! If you can, try not to show him the reaction that his words cause in you. Just a thought...

Just a flash from my past... Every time my DS said those hurtful words, I always answered "I'm sorry you feel that way A, I'll always love you" and kept about whatever I was doing. My fav was "YOU'RE MEAN!!" " Yes I am, and tell all your friends"

Hope your day is better today!!

 

[wdwmickey]

Christy--I hope today is a better day

No real advice, just wanted to let you know we're here to listen. And to echo what Deb said, that seems to work most of the time in my house. My girls are both very stubborn (oops I mean strong willed) and they know how to push my buttons! I just had to learn to push back (gently of course)

 

[MazdaUK]

Kicky is a great one for "I'll do my homework when I get in/tomorrow" but I always say, "No, you know you won't as you'll be tired/playing. Just sit down and do it now/make a start". I generally sit in the same room but do something else unless he's stuck.

 

[LindaBabe]

Hang in there!


Just a flash from my past... Every time my ds said those hurtful words, i always answered "i'm sorry you feel that way a, i'll always love you" and kept about whatever i was doing. My fav was "you're mean!!" " yes i am, and tell all your friends"

Hope your day is better today!!

good response!

 

[joyah]

thank you all

We have a schedule that has always been in place homework/snack then out to sports, dinner, shower/tv and bed by 8:30 for the 1/2 hour of reading, dinner is normally 6:30 L is out of the pool and we fly home.
Half of E's problem is he just doesn't want to do it. He is more than capable of doing it. yesterday I was working on the last bit of cleaning on my scrap desk so E was at the sewing desk (plenty of room) L was at his dad's desk (alot less room) and I as no more than 8' away from either of them. He just wouldn't sit and do it.
Deb you are entirely right he LOVES to push then I get mad. I've got to do better at that. I think it frustrates me that he could FLY through his stuff if he'd just sit and do it and I watch L killing himself taking 2 hours for something that should take him 30 mins tops. and yes the teachers have all said to us for him to just stop but he's pushing himself.
I'm waiting on them to get out and home hears to an easier night hopefully.

With out all of you talking me down I'd be nutty by now.

 

[hopemax]

I've debated on answering, because I don't have kids, and from reading the Community Board there is a, "times are different now." I have had conversations with a friend, about why her kids don't listen to them, and she her and her friends would never talk back to their parents like her kids.

I asked her flat out, "What would happen to you if you did?" CONSEQUENCES. Really. Bad. Consequences. "What happens to your kid?" Nothing significant.

I remember when I was in 4th grade, I had a really hard time adjusting to school. We had moved so I was in a new school, with a much harder curriculum. I went from having no homework in 3rd grade, to a ton of required homework in 4th grade. Math problems, weekly workbook with spelling, writing, reading, etc. And to top it off, I missed 2 weeks in the first month because my Mom took me to my Grandma's house to help her deal with stuff after my Grandpa passed away 3 months earlier. So I struggled adjusting to it all.

I remember at first, my Dad would go over everything, and make sure it was done right. He told me, with the workbook that had 5 or 6 things that had to be done by Friday, I should do one a day, instead of leaving it all to the last minute. I should work on it right when I got home, so then I could play the rest of the night. But eventually, he let me fail. If I didn't get my work done on time, I would have to deal with the consequences. Red ink in the workbook, scolding from the teacher. And since I got a bad grade at school, there were consequences at home.

The quickest way to lose something was to vocalize wanting to do it over what I was supposed to be doing. The dog would have been taken outside, and I would be in a room on the opposite side of the house, where I couldn't see or hear her. If I continued, I have no doubt that my Dad would have taken the dog to our friend's house in the country for awhile (where she would go when we were on vacation). She loved it there, and it would be a vacation for her, but I would not be happy about it. I was told, "Everyone has a job, they don't want to do but have to." Mine was school/homework, if I didn't want it to be school, well they would find something else for me to do (never pleasant). And all the time reminding me, that if I didn't like what was happening, all I had to do was make better choices. It was all in MY hands. If I needed help, "You have a mouth, and I know you know how to use it. Don't expect me to ask you more than once if you need help and is your homework done." Aside, from the first month or two of 4th grade, I don't ever remember my parents regularly sitting with me for homework. They would look at already graded assignments, and if there was a problem, then they would work with me. If I didn't do homework right away, and there was a tv show on that I wanted to watch...too bad, so sad. And we didn't have a VCR, so I knew there was "no watching it later." And no staying up late to finish. If I didn't, back to the red ink in school, and consequences for getting a bad grade in school.

Getting "my way," simply became too costly. And even in 4th grade, I figured it out. I'm sure, for my parents it was not a pleasant thing to do, I was really good at pushing my Dad's buttons. But I do know that by the time I was in middle school, I had really good work habits. To the point, where I would really work during "in class work time," instead of whispering with friends, to make sure I didn't have homework to take home, and I could just go home and do what I wanted.

 

[joyah]

Hope
I'm so glad you answered cause that is how I was raised and if I pulled this my behind would be warm KWIM? I'd dearly love to warm his behind and have the fight over and done with but then what does he learn? He has to learn to voice his problems and talk it out not stomp off to the other room.

with him the conseqences just make him madder and stubbener. And he threatens to run away I say go ahead to papa where'd that get your brother this summer and then he just gets madder.
I know that I'm the stubborn one, i'm beign paid back triple for everything I did. I'm just wishing he'd see how smart he is and how he doesn't have to struggle and do this.......

1 more hour till the invasion. crossing fingers that something sunk in while at school today and bed time was pushed back to 7 pm no tv time tonight.

 

[hopemax]

Oh, tantrums I know those too. My Dad would laugh at me, give me tips, and give me a "Top 10 Tantrum list from my past" and how this one was failing to live up. And he thought everyone would like to see my abilities, maybe they could give me tips, so lets go get my BFF from next door and her parents to watch. I think, in today's day and age, I think I would end up on YouTube.

 

[morgansmom2000]

Things sure were a lot different for me too. My parents divorced when I was 7. It was just me and my mother for a long time. I was a latch-key kid. I came home from school and did whatever I wanted. Watched TV, did homework, read, whatever (I wasn't a bad kid, I just stayed at home). I didn't do any after school stuff, because really, there was no money for it.

My mother never helped me with homework. I didn't need it, but she probably wouldn't have been able to help me anyhow. Morgan needs help. She struggles with reading and math. She's finally getting a bit better, but we had a rough few years don't even get me started about 2nd grade. I was fortunate enough to be home with her almost every day after school (M-T, they didn't usually have homework on Fridays) from K through 3rd grade. Last year I changed my hours a bit and DH is home with her the days I'm not. As soon as she started getting homework, our routine was to grab a snack, sit at the table, and work on it together. Obviously, if she has something (girl scouts, dance rehearsal, etc.), the schedule doesn't work, but those are the exceptions far more than the rule. Her attention span is not the greatest anyway, so it's just been easier for us to get right to it. That way, it's done and out of the way and I don't have to fight with her later. Sure, there are days when she balks at doing it right off the bat, or squirms and doesn't want to focus, but overall, it works for us.

Having only one, however, I can see where problems would arise. It's too bad they know our buttons and just how to push them, isn't it?

Stand your ground, Christy. If you let him see you sweat, he'll just keep it up!

 

[hopemax]

Alright, so now after playing "now & then," what would actually happen if you stopped trying to get him to do his work on your schedule and do it quickly? Just don't have that battle. I know that for the majority of kids, it works best to get the homework done first, but is there a chance that if he does something else first that, later he will work without issue?

Absolutely, there should be consequences for not finishing it by bedtime (you will check), but give him the freedom to do it on his schedule. If he wants to be a slow poke about it, let him. If he wants to play with the dog, let him. If he was struggling with the material, I would be more insistent with the "homework" first routine, but since he is bright, let him try to work out the best routine for him on his own.

But, reinforce that the teacher, the school, Mom and Dad will NOT accept homework not being done. We all have our responsibilities that we can't just decide to NOT do. For Daddy, it's _____, for Papa it's _____ for you it is homework and attending school. And that if him choosing when he will work on it doesn't = completed homework, then you will start choosing for him again.

 

[wdwmickey]

Christy--hang in there Rachel (aka MusicalDisneyDreams) said to threaten/promise to send him to live with his grandparents for a month and he'll straighten out. Guess what happened at our house last night. She has one more chance to improve her attitude or off she goes (she must be really scared because today she's like a different child!) Of course DH gave the punishement and then told Rachel that he would give ME til Friday to decide if she stays or goes

I hope things get better. I'm the worst one to give advice 'cus I'm equally stubborn as my girls and I always want to stand my ground and they both want the last word