Strained marriage....

[dizluvah]

DH and I are new parents (6 month old) and it seems that our marriage is terribly strained. We both resent each other - we argue or disagree almost daily sometimes over petty things, sometimes over more important things. We talk and talk and talk but nothing seems to get better.

I don't understand how things could disintegrate so quickly - we both felt we had never been closer during the pregnancy. I understand the challenges we faced with a newborn but I don't know how or when we turned on each other and I have no idea how to fix it.

Marriage counseling is cost prohibitive at the moment, our frequent conversations don't seem to help - or at least haven't resulted in any actual behavior changes or improvements.

He resents that I am a yeller and I know I am pretty quick to find fault, I feel he doesn't do enough around the house. But for us these have been ongoing issues throughout our 8 year marriage - so I'm not sure why now we seem to be at each other's throats so much.

We feel so ashamed we should be enjoying our new daughter (and we do) but it is soured with our constant arguing....

anybody else experience marital strain as new parents? any advice, suggestions?

 

[parrothead365]

Can you get the grands to watch the baby for a weekend??? Go off and re-connect, and talk it out. Oh and GET SOME SLEEP. Things may seem brighter after a good night sleep.

 

[CowboyCO]

DH and I are new parents (6 month old) and it seems that our marriage is terribly strained. We both resent each other - we argue or disagree almost daily sometimes over petty things, sometimes over more important things. We talk and talk and talk but nothing seems to get better.

I don't understand how things could disintegrate so quickly - we both felt we had never been closer during the pregnancy. I understand the challenges we faced with a newborn but I don't know how or when we turned on each other and I have no idea how to fix it.

Marriage counseling is cost prohibitive at the moment, our frequent conversations don't seem to help - or at least haven't resulted in any actual behavior changes or improvements.

He resents that I am a yeller and I know I am pretty quick to find fault, I feel he doesn't do enough around the house. But for us these have been ongoing issues throughout our 8 year marriage - so I'm not sure why now we seem to be at each other's throats so much.

We feel so ashamed we should be enjoying our new daughter (and we do) but it is soured with our constant arguing....

anybody else experience marital strain as new parents? any advice, suggestions?

Don't yell. Just don't. You don't yell at co-workers, so why do you yell at your husband? It's a choice. Treat each other with respect.

 

[Conservative Hippie]

DH and I had trouble when our first was born 3 years ago, and just as things started to feel better, we had baby #2. It's a lot of the same things you described, and I don't think there is a quick fix. You aren't just a couple anymore, now you are spouse and parent, and it takes a while to figure out those new roles. DH wasn't really used to helping out so much around the house, but once he realized it was really essential to our family, he got into the habit of a few chores. :-/ I don't really have any advice, but don't feel bad for not being constant smiles with a new baby!

 

[tasha99]

Don't yell. Just don't. You don't yell at co-workers, so why do you yell at your husband? It's a choice. Treat each other with respect.

x2

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Having someone new to care for certainly adds stress, and that stress can lead to more bickering. If one of the issues you are having with your husband is that you don't think he does enough around the house, that will only end up being augmented now that there is a small baby to take care of.

You also have to consider the fact that both of you are probably getting less sleep now, which doesn't help with general stress and irritability.

I think the fact that you are aware of the things he thinks contribute to the problem (yelling, finding fault) is a good sign. You need to be able to recognize when you are doing this, or are about to do it, and find ways of stopping yourself. Also, your husband also needs to be willing to do more of the housework.

I'm not a marriage therapist, and have no real advice for you. I'm just making a few general observations.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Dear OP,

I'm sorry you are having this rough spot. When my 1st grandchild was born I started taking him once a week, so my oldest DS and DDIL could have a "date night". That has continued with the addition of my granddaughter. Paul is now almost 8 and Tabby is 6.

I hope your parents & in-laws can babysit now and then so you and your DH (I'm hoping you still consider him a DH! ) can spend some adult time together.

to you!

TC

 

[wdwmom0f3]

What are you fighting about? I know a some people fuss over the lack of attention because the baby is now getting it all. Then there is the expense, lack of sleep, lack of help, it can go on & on. Try to pinpoint what is bothering you the most and start there by working together to come up with a plan to make a change. Playing the blame game only causes resentment so this is the time to partner up and work as a team. Hopefully everything will get better for you.

I almost forgot, congratulations on the new baby.

 

[diznygirl]

Get some rest. Everyone is cranky when they are tired - not just toddlers. And with a baby in the house you probably haven't gotten a good night's sleep in awhile. You'd be surprised - there will be more patience and less yelling.

Take a nap and leave dad alone with he baby. He'll figure things out. And forget the stuff around the house. Either it gets done or it doesn't - but the focus should be on the bigger issues of the marriage.

 

[dizluvah]

Thanks all for the replies....strange as it sounds sometimes just writing it down - getting it out of my head - seems to help

To those who remind me not to yell - You are absolutely right!

I agree, we both need more sleep

Unfortunately, we don't have a family support system - both of our parents have passed so no grandparents available to assist - we have some extended family (siblings, cousins) in other states but no one local. So getting that crucial alone time has been tough.

I know things will get better - I think I just felt sorry for myself earlier and allowed a little shame spiral to drag me down.... thanks for listening...

 

[canopynut66]

DH and I are new parents (6 month old) and it seems that our marriage is terribly strained. We both resent each other - we argue or disagree almost daily sometimes over petty things, sometimes over more important things. We talk and talk and talk but nothing seems to get better.

I don't understand how things could disintegrate so quickly - we both felt we had never been closer during the pregnancy. I understand the challenges we faced with a newborn but I don't know how or when we turned on each other and I have no idea how to fix it.

Marriage counseling is cost prohibitive at the moment, our frequent conversations don't seem to help - or at least haven't resulted in any actual behavior changes or improvements.

He resents that I am a yeller and I know I am pretty quick to find fault, I feel he doesn't do enough around the house. But for us these have been ongoing issues throughout our 8 year marriage - so I'm not sure why now we seem to be at each other's throats so much.

We feel so ashamed we should be enjoying our new daughter (and we do) but it is soured with our constant arguing....

anybody else experience marital strain as new parents? any advice, suggestions?

It is hard after being just you two for so many years and now with your new bundle of joy it is totally different world. Then you both get tired and who else you going to yell at but the one that is there and that is "each other". and most times when we talk and talk and talk the thing we forget is to listen always seemed to me most thing we fussed about were silly small things. you can get counseling based on your income or most all insurance plans have counseling now or perhaps thru your church. It really helped us and we just had to find it a priority to save our marraige

 

[phillmolly]

Just a few things that helped me...

~Your realtionship with your DH is the most important realtionship of your life, you will spend 20 or so years raising and caring for your children but they will leave you, when that happens you want to still have a strong realtionship with your spouse. Read this in a parenting book and it stuck with me.

~In a psych class I took last year it listed the most stressful time of parenting as the newborn, infant stage, it is even more stressful than being a parent of a teenager!

Are you working or are you a SAHM? I know for me a huge source of "stress" was that I was at home alone with the baby all day and when my DH would get home I would want him to help with DS and all he would want to do is unwind after a long day at work. Once he realized that I was busy all day he did step up, he would get 30 minutes or so to relax and then give me some free time. Also I joined a great moms group when DS was about six months old and that has been lifesaver, its been two years now and the ladies I meet through the group are some of my best friends. It is also great for my son since he has lots of little friends to play with.

As far as household chores and other things go, sometimes you really do just have to let it go. I much rather be happy and have a messy house then have a clean house but be miserable.

When my DS was that age I used to nap with him almost everyday, it was the only way I could get enough sleep. Even now that he is two I still nap with him sometimes, both him and I are bad sleepers, so it is nice way for us both to get the sleep we need.

Hopefully things will get better for you and your DH soon! DH and I are trying for #2 right now so things do improve! Best of luck!

 

[GAGirlInVA]

((HUGS)) I understand how hard it is to find someone so you could have a date night out.

But what about a date night in? We try to do this at least once every 2 weeks. When we did this with one bambino, as soon as the baby went down we did something special (not involving the tv!) Sometimes one of us picked up dessert, or we had a nice special meal, sometimes we played a game, sometimes we snuggled and talked.

Now that we have some children a bit older, it's their movie night. We have a snacky (easy!) supper and then let the children watch a movie when the littles go down.

 

[Amy&Dan]

My kids are 14 and 16 but I still remember like yesterday how hard those first six months were with ds16. You have to remember to be kind to yourself and your husband because you are both going through a huge period of adjustment. In time, you will begin to feel more comfortable with the new roles you each have as parents. I promise.

My best advice is to sleep when your baby sleeps. Being sleep deprived is hard to deal with day after day.

Never turn down help. If a friend or neighbor offers to help you whether its babysitting or mowing your yard, let them! I agree about letting the house go a bit. You can't do it all and the house won't need therapy if you neglect it for a bit of time. It also will be right there waiting for you when you have time, vs. your health and baby which need to be taken care of now!

Find other new parents to connect with. It really helps to see other couples in the same stage you are in. Doesn't mean you can't still be friends with people who don't have kids or have older kids, it just means you need to find some new friends or reconnect with friends who you may have drifted from but who are also in the same stage you are in. If you don't yet have friends who are parents,try to find one of those baby type classes (swimming, gymboree, they are all over the place) and that will right off the bat connect you to other moms/couples. I was one of the first in my circle of friends to have a baby so I had to find some new friends and then a few years later my "old" friends had kids too and caught up with me! We never lost touch but it seemed like a lot of my old standby's were still in the stage I had left so I found some new moms at my church and joined their group and it was amazing how much it helped. I hadn't realized how isolated I was in my new role as a mom until I found some other moms to hang out with occasionally.

It really does get easier with time in that your baby will get on a schedule and become more of a personality vs. a little thing that is an endless "feed me, burp me, change me, bathe me" machine.

But for sure, find a way to have a date night. Even if its just driving around in the car talking, you guys need that time. I agree so much with the poster who said the most important relationship you have is with your spouse. Because in the end, it will continue through all the stages of your life and the best gift you give your kids is a happy marriage. Those mommy and me type groups always generate up babysitting co ops which are lifesavers and a cheaper way to get some date nights.

It just takes some time to find your new normal!

 

[shortbun]

I agree that you really need to find some time for yourselves. I am and have been a doting mom but you must reconnect. I got some free advice from a therapist after my son was born. She suggested finding 20 minutes a day JUST for us...speed date and two hours each week-a block of two hours in addition to the 20 minutes a day-for a mini date. We worked pretty hard to get those times and it paid off. The 20 minutes has to be a yell free, child free time. Go to the basement-outside on the porch-turn off the monitor. the two hours we hired a babysitter and left. Many times we only had money for the sitter and went to a park and walked or got a coke through the drive through and sat in our car listening to music and talking about good times OR making new ones. Get as many of those 20 minute a day breaks as you can. Journal and remind yourself daily about not yelling. Work on asking nicely for the things you need from your husband and encourage him to open up to you. Be careful you don't make him feel inadequate and remember we all do things differently or find different things important. Last free therapist advice-is it a kitty cat or a lion? Not very many things are so important as to get the attention of a lion, darn few even in the care of an infant. Kitty cat or lion? Probably a kitty cat-think kitten in size. In other words, keep perspective. Breathe, stay hydrated(so very important) and sleep when you can. My husband and I set a schedule according to our natural sleep rythyms. I could go to sleep early so he took everything pre 2am which gave me 5 straight if I went to sleep at 9pm and after 2am, I took it, which gave him the 5 hour straignt sleep. This way, we each got at least 7 every night. It made a huge difference.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I agree that the main cause is probably lack of sleep. Defintiely give the housework a lick and a promise, and nap when the baby naps! I like the idea about each parent getting a few quality hours in a row, too.

I also think your DH is probably feeling a little bit like an older sibling, losing your attention to the baby. (But I don't think you're wrong there - the baby does need it more right now.)

It's a shame you don't have family help for real dates, but one thing I did do when DS was little was hire a "mother's helper". - I had a neighbor girl who was not quite old enough to really babysit yet, but wanted to build some references for when she was. She would come over, for half the regular rate, to play with DS while I was there, but got things done around the house. Maybe you could do the same thing while you and DH enjoy an uninterrupted dinner at home, or even just watch something you both like on television.

Also, did you give up a job to stay home with the baby? If so, you may be kind of mourning the loss of your old friends there. Try to meet some other moms near you. A few places to look for playgroup notices are the bulletin boards at the library, church, or pediatrician's office.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

DH and I are new parents (6 month old) and it seems that our marriage is terribly strained. We both resent each other - we argue or disagree almost daily sometimes over petty things, sometimes over more important things. We talk and talk and talk but nothing seems to get better.

I don't understand how things could disintegrate so quickly - we both felt we had never been closer during the pregnancy. I understand the challenges we faced with a newborn but I don't know how or when we turned on each other and I have no idea how to fix it.

Marriage counseling is cost prohibitive at the moment, our frequent conversations don't seem to help - or at least haven't resulted in any actual behavior changes or improvements.

He resents that I am a yeller and I know I am pretty quick to find fault, I feel he doesn't do enough around the house. But for us these have been ongoing issues throughout our 8 year marriage - so I'm not sure why now we seem to be at each other's throats so much.

We feel so ashamed we should be enjoying our new daughter (and we do) but it is soured with our constant arguing....

anybody else experience marital strain as new parents? any advice, suggestions?

Obviously you have deep resentment with sharing duties of the home and it is brought out RAW because you are tired and you realize that your DH is who he is and probably is not going to change much. Reality can be harsh and acceptance of it can be hard.

Once you accept the "reality" of your life then you can put things into perspective and stop trying to make things different. (Put that on "hold". Plenty of time to work petty things out.)

Second if you cannot afford counseling you have money issues. THAT will also be a HUGE strain in a marriage.

Third new baby and walla recipe for fighting.

Babies are expensive, intensive, work, and for some reason we all have this "movie" in our head how "things" should "be" when we have our children.

Exactly what is your dh doing that has you so riled up to YELL at him? "Things around the house", what is that that?

I will tell you that I solved my issue with repairs by hiring people. DH and I finally had a showdown WAY back when and he finally admitted he hates home improvement so he agreed to hire someone if it is something that he does not or cannot do. Saved my marriage.

 

[DisneyCruiser83]

In our area, the local University offers therapy from its grad students and it is really inexpensive, even free if you can't pay. It is not from a "real" therapist, but the students we have are very good and are all monitored by their professors. I have gone a couple of times and it really helped me. Maybe your local University has something like that. There may be other services in your area as well if you want to look into low-cost therapy. Good luck with you and your DH!

 

[Frantasmic]

From a guy's standpoint, you need consensus.


Both of you sit down and write out what you normally do regarding household chores (normal being 40-60 percent of the time).

Some things he may consider as household chores, you may be thinking that it's his job anyway, and vice versa on his part.

A 50-50 split isn't always necessarily the answer. For example, he may nearly always wash the car and fill it up with gas. To him, that's a household duty. You may nearly always clean the bathroom or do laundry.
Both are duties around the house, even though washing the car and filling it up with gas probably doesn't take as much time as the laundry or cleaning the bathroom. So, instead of a 50-50 split of both chores, have him agree to do the laundry every other week or the clean the bathroom once a month and you go do the gas and car wash once a month.

The point is to sit down and have each of you identify what YOU feel you contribute to the household. I bet there will be jobs the other does that each of you didn't consider in the equation.

If he truly is a bum who just goes to work, dirties clothes, and watches TV all the time without helping at all, you probably do have a bigger problem, especially if he's done this for 8 years.

 

[mjkacmom]

My kids are 14 and 16 but I still remember like yesterday how hard those first six months were with ds16. You have to remember to be kind to yourself and your husband because you are both going through a huge period of adjustment. In time, you will begin to feel more comfortable with the new roles you each have as parents. I promise.

My best advice is to sleep when your baby sleeps. Being sleep deprived is hard to deal with day after day.

Never turn down help. If a friend or neighbor offers to help you whether its babysitting or mowing your yard, let them! I agree about letting the house go a bit. You can't do it all and the house won't need therapy if you neglect it for a bit of time. It also will be right there waiting for you when you have time, vs. your health and baby which need to be taken care of now!

Find other new parents to connect with. It really helps to see other couples in the same stage you are in. Doesn't mean you can't still be friends with people who don't have kids or have older kids, it just means you need to find some new friends or reconnect with friends who you may have drifted from but who are also in the same stage you are in. If you don't yet have friends who are parents,try to find one of those baby type classes (swimming, gymboree, they are all over the place) and that will right off the bat connect you to other moms/couples. I was one of the first in my circle of friends to have a baby so I had to find some new friends and then a few years later my "old" friends had kids too and caught up with me! We never lost touch but it seemed like a lot of my old standby's were still in the stage I had left so I found some new moms at my church and joined their group and it was amazing how much it helped. I hadn't realized how isolated I was in my new role as a mom until I found some other moms to hang out with occasionally.

It really does get easier with time in that your baby will get on a schedule and become more of a personality vs. a little thing that is an endless "feed me, burp me, change me, bathe me" machine.

But for sure, find a way to have a date night. Even if its just driving around in the car talking, you guys need that time. I agree so much with the poster who said the most important relationship you have is with your spouse. Because in the end, it will continue through all the stages of your life and the best gift you give your kids is a happy marriage. Those mommy and me type groups always generate up babysitting co ops which are lifesavers and a cheaper way to get some date nights.

It just takes some time to find your new normal!

Mom of 5, and I agree with all of these points! Sleep is the most important goal of your day (all of mine were sleeping 11 hours at this point, 8 - 7, plus naps from 9 - 11, 2 - 4, some managed to do this on their own, some needed some help). If you are a SAHM, you NEED to find others in your situation. My DH was awesome when we had little ones. He'd come home from work, change, and tell me to run out. When our twins were babies, one of us would put them in the van, and drive them around for an hour, while the other had dinner with the other children. You both need to learn to work as a team.