Strained marriage....

[LuvOrlando]

Congratulations on the new baby!

Having a new baby is hard for everyone, nothing like the books say is it? My first thought is actually postpartum depression of some kind. I don't know that I would call what I had depression, maybe it was, but I had the most wicked mood swings after my kids were born. I was always upset and worried and it was making me miserable, my DH was more relaxed and would get ticked at all the directions I was giving and I would get mad he didn't 'just know'. What a flippin mess, luckily I found my rhythm and things fell into place.

You don't say if you work too or not but splitting the role of primary caregiver role helped me/us a lot. DH was fresh in the morning so he would wake up a little earlier and feed the baby (ies a year later when my preemie DD came along), change diapers and put the baby back down so I could get a nice chunk of sleep in the AM. I had the baby (ies) all day so when he came home from work I had dinner on the table and he'd unwind a bit and change his clothes upstairs and draw a bath for me. Then he'd come down and get 1 hour of uninterrupted play time without me butting in and I would get 1 hour of uninterrupted me time, usually in a nicely scented tub with rose petals if I really wanted a boost, with all the doors shut and the radio on LOUD if necessary. There were days that I would count down the hours to him coming home because I knew I'd get an hour to stop stressing. We would then hang out as a family for a few hours. At bedtime I took over the main responsibilities. DH would help with the bath but then it was all me and he got time alone to watch TV and fall asleep peacefully. Of course, if someone was sick or if one of us heard an uproar the other would help out but those occurrences were rare.

Every family is different but this worked for us.

Whatever happens just keep reminding yourselves babies are not forever, this is not forever, it's hard and it's exhausting but the storm will pass

 

[IdesOmarch]

Why do you yell? Yelling is not cool. There is no reason for it, unless you want a one way ticket to a divorce. You need to chill out and learn how to talk calmly about everything. If something needs to be done you ask in a calm voice. My SO and I never "yell" at each other. We may have a snarky comment here and there at most. I don't, and have never put up with, nor participated in arguments or yelling. Any previous relationship I had if that occurred I jetisoned out pronto. Life is too short to argue about every little thing.

 

[luvmy3jewels]

Why do you yell? Yelling is not cool. There is no reason for it, unless you want a one way ticket to a divorce. You need to chill out and learn how to talk calmly about everything. If something needs to be done you ask in a calm voice. My SO and I never "yell" at each other. We may have a snarky comment here and there at most. I don't, and have never put up with, nor participated in arguments or yelling. Any previous relationship I had if that occurred I jetisoned out pronto. Life is too short to argue about every little thing.

Spoken like a man that has never experienced postpartum hormones!!
While I don't advocate yelling at your dh and would suggest walking away and giving yourself a few minutes to cool down before you blow up....I get it. You are most likely sleep deprived, your body is trying to recover from 9 months of pregnancy and delivery, and you have this huge adjustment to make with adding the baby to your family. It's a stressful time.

Dh and I went through the same thing after having our kids. It took awhile to smooth things out but we both had to give a little and adjust our expectations. Dh learned he had to pitch in a lot more and give me a break every now and then (and if you are nursing, it makes it alot harder!!). I had to learn to ask him nicely to help me more and to control my temper and emotions a little better.

I totally agree with the other posters that it is imperative that you schedule time for just you and dh to concentrate on each other!!! Date nights should be a priority and try to go ahead and find someone reliable and trustworthy to watch the baby a couple of evenings a month so you and dh can reconnect. I also recommend trying to get away at least once a year for a short trip with just you and dh to have fun together.

I have always tried to go by the theory that the best gift that I could ever give my children is to have a good relationship with their father. It's not always easy, but it's definitely worth the effort!!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Why do you yell? Yelling is not cool. There is no reason for it, unless you want a one way ticket to a divorce. You need to chill out and learn how to talk calmly about everything. If something needs to be done you ask in a calm voice. My SO and I never "yell" at each other. We may have a snarky comment here and there at most. I don't, and have never put up with, nor participated in arguments or yelling. Any previous relationship I had if that occurred I jetisoned out pronto. Life is too short to argue about every little thing.

Just out of curiousity, do you have kids? OP probably yells because she is frustrated and feels like her dh is not listening to her when she is not yelling. Its not reasonable but I happen to think a bit of yelling now and then is not the end of the world. Yes, this should be worked on and avoided if possible but hopefully OP's husband will not jetison out of this marriage and family because OP is yelling. Hopefully he will think "why is she yelling?" Arguments are actually considered healthy. Kind of the way firefighters set up a natural burn to get control of a forest fire.

I remember yelling at dh one night in particular. Our son was wailing literally right next to his head (that was sleeping on a pillow) I was trying to get these baby anti-gas drops open and since the wailing infant was not waking up dh I figured maybe if I yelled he'd wake up. And he did. We tended to baby and continued to snark (not yelling but definitely in argument mode) and he asked me something like "what is wrong with you lately?" To which I replied "I am exhausted, so get used to it, this is the new me!" He replied and I will never forget this, "I DON'T LIKE THE NEW YOU". Man we laugh now but at the time I was like "who gives a damn, I don't like you either!"

None of us know what this "yelling" is. I sort of doubt she's screaming at full throttle every minute of the day her husband is home. I think she's finding him to be a bit slow to get on board with the new life this little one has created for them. If needs are not being met, its human nature to find a way to attempt to get those needs met. I happen to think yelling is more healthy than avoidance or leaving. But that's just me. To me not yelling or arguing at all is just passive agression that will have the same dire consequences to a relationship.

I crack up when I think that Dan and I thought we were creating a life with our son. Fact was, he came along and created the new life for us!


I also thought about later the whole mother's helper idea. I had one, she was 11, too young to babysit but having her come over a few afternoons a week for an hour or two helped. I got some painting done, I could ride my exercise bike, take a bath all sorts of things made very difficult with a new baby. Of course at times it was just funny to hear this kid yell down "Amy, white gook just flew out of his mouth" but at least she was around to give me some amount of support. And now she's married with a baby of her own and I hope she's got someone to help her the way she helped me.

I do want to add that you (OP) said this was sort of a continuation of your previous 8 years with some of the patterns. But once a baby comes along, some of the patterns go from business as usual, to unacceptable. My husband was not one in the early years of our marriage to help around the house. It was fine, I worked but worked closer to home and worked fewer hours so I was able to come home from work, tend to things (housework, bills, grocery shopping) for a good hour or two before he got home. I did at times resent it but it was still very doable and workable and not a problem per se. Well along came our son and even though I was now not working and a full time mom, I no longer felt okay with this arrangment of him working outside the home and feeling like not working inside the home was just fine and dandy. I had to realize that all former expectations and agreements were out the window and find a way to make him get on the same page. Sometimes I yelled, other times I pleaded other times I just simmered on a low, nasty boil. It took some time. And he got on board and then some. By the time our daughter came along two years later we had a better system in place. But that first 6-12 months after ds was born was for sure a growing process for both of us. I will say when ds began to sleep through the night at about 5 months, that right there made a huge difference. We never did marriage counseling but we did have to really work hard to figure each other out and our new life. I so had to learn to accept that his way was just as good as mine when it came to child care and housework and he had to learn that when he came home from work, his day wasn't over quite yet.

Just because your dh has been doing things the way you now are struggling to live with for 8 years doesn't mean you both can't change a bit, give a bit and make it right.

Keep at it and just hang in there.

 

[focusondisney]

Sorry you & your DH are having a rough patch. I agree lack of sleep isn't helping. And to the posters who said you just need to stop yourself from yelling: . I think that will make a huge difference for you. You need to break the cycle you have gotten into. Maybe try positive reinforcement instead : find something to praise & thank your DH for instead of something to yell & critize him for. I'm sure your DH wants you to be happy & will make more of an effort to help if he feels his efforets are appreciated.

Along the same lines: if DH is doing anything to help, either with the baby or the housework, resist the urge to critize the way he gets it done. Who cares if the laundry isn't folded the way you would have done it or if he puts the baby's pants on before the shirt. Thank him for helping, bite your tongue & walk away. It is his house & baby too & his way can be right too!

Good luck! Hope you can get things back on track soon!!

 

[sparkyboy]

Does your spouse's employer offer an employee assistance program? Even though you cannot afford private counseling, I would suggest EAP as alternative--confidential and free services that many times overlooked.

 

[powellrj]

It been many years, but I remember those times like they were yesterday!

Some tips someone gave me that I think really helped.

Set goals for the day. I set mine really low, but if I got them done, I felt like I ok because I had at least gotten the bare minimum done. With my last one, it was read the paper and take a shower. Could I set the bar any lower? But if I got those 2 things done, it was on OK day.

Let things go. With my last one, we did take-out for a few weeks. That way I didn't have to shop, cook and clean-up. It was really a huge burden taken off my shoulders.

Sleep, really your whole view of the world can change after a good nap!

Take a walk. Take the baby out and just walk. With my middle DS is was mall walking because the weather was bad. It helped!

I don't think you need marriage counseling, you just need to take a break! Have a date with your DH, even if its carry-out pizza on the floor and a DVD! The baby will be fine and you and your DH can remember why you love each other.

 

[IdesOmarch]

Just out of curiousity, do you have kids? OP probably yells because she is frustrated and feels like her dh is not listening to her when she is not yelling. Its not reasonable but I happen to think a bit of yelling now and then is not the end of the world. Yes, this should be worked on and avoided if possible but hopefully OP's husband will not jetison out of this marriage and family because OP is yelling. Hopefully he will think "why is she yelling?" Arguments are actually considered healthy. Kind of the way firefighters set up a natural burn to get control of a forest fire.

I remember yelling at dh one night in particular. Our son was wailing literally right next to his head (that was sleeping on a pillow) I was trying to get these baby anti-gas drops open and since the wailing infant was not waking up dh I figured maybe if I yelled he'd wake up. And he did. We tended to baby and continued to snark (not yelling but definitely in argument mode) and he asked me something like "what is wrong with you lately?" To which I replied "I am exhausted, so get used to it, this is the new me!" He replied and I will never forget this, "I DON'T LIKE THE NEW YOU". Man we laugh now but at the time I was like "who gives a damn, I don't like you either!"

None of us know what this "yelling" is. I sort of doubt she's screaming at full throttle every minute of the day her husband is home. I think she's finding him to be a bit slow to get on board with the new life this little one has created for them. If needs are not being met, its human nature to find a way to attempt to get those needs met. I happen to think yelling is more healthy than avoidance or leaving. But that's just me. To me not yelling or arguing at all is just passive agression that will have the same dire consequences to a relationship.

I crack up when I think that Dan and I thought we were creating a life with our son. Fact was, he came along and created the new life for us!


I also thought about later the whole mother's helper idea. I had one, she was 11, too young to babysit but having her come over a few afternoons a week for an hour or two helped. I got some painting done, I could ride my exercise bike, take a bath all sorts of things made very difficult with a new baby. Of course at times it was just funny to hear this kid yell down "Amy, white gook just flew out of his mouth" but at least she was around to give me some amount of support. And now she's married with a baby of her own and I hope she's got someone to help her the way she helped me.

I do want to add that you (OP) said this was sort of a continuation of your previous 8 years with some of the patterns. But once a baby comes along, some of the patterns go from business as usual, to unacceptable. My husband was not one in the early years of our marriage to help around the house. It was fine, I worked but worked closer to home and worked fewer hours so I was able to come home from work, tend to things (housework, bills, grocery shopping) for a good hour or two before he got home. I did at times resent it but it was still very doable and workable and not a problem per se. Well along came our son and even though I was now not working and a full time mom, I no longer felt okay with this arrangment of him working outside the home and feeling like not working inside the home was just fine and dandy. I had to realize that all former expectations and agreements were out the window and find a way to make him get on the same page. Sometimes I yelled, other times I pleaded other times I just simmered on a low, nasty boil. It took some time. And he got on board and then some. By the time our daughter came along two years later we had a better system in place. But that first 6-12 months after ds was born was for sure a growing process for both of us. I will say when ds began to sleep through the night at about 5 months, that right there made a huge difference. We never did marriage counseling but we did have to really work hard to figure each other out and our new life. I so had to learn to accept that his way was just as good as mine when it came to child care and housework and he had to learn that when he came home from work, his day wasn't over quite yet.

Just because your dh has been doing things the way you now are struggling to live with for 8 years doesn't mean you both can't change a bit, give a bit and make it right.

Keep at it and just hang in there.

Yes I do, we never had any yelling issues, even during the most trying times of the first year, when the baby cried a lot in the middle of the night. If he is not pulling his weight, that is one thing, but yelling is still not a good idea. There are other forms of training. Sarcasm, humiliation, trading favors for other favors etc., but not yelling.

 

[ccgirl]

Hugs to you.

Same thing happened to us. We weren't married quite as long first, although we had been together for many years. It has been just the two of you for so long. Do you still have just the two of you time? I love the grandparent that said she still takes her DGS and DGD one night a week so her DD can have date nigth with her DH. My mom does the same thing. It is so AWESOME to have date night once a week. Sometimes it is just a walk, a glass of wine on the beach, or a trip to the home improvement store. It doesn't have to be expensive. We are also fortunate enough to go away for one long weekend a year. My mom ROCKS!!

I echo what others say about the yelling. Treat people how you want to be treated. I'm sure you wouldn't want to be yelled at; right? You can't just talk. It is just as important to listen. Each make a list of things that you would think would improve your marriage. Talk about them, listen to each other and make a plan. Just because something has always been a certain way doesn't mean it should continue.

I went back to work FT 4 months after my DD was born. Since I was working too we rotated nights of who was getting up with her so one of us could sleep.

Good luck!

 

[Amy&Dan]

Hugs to you.

Same thing happened to us. We weren't married quite as long first, although we had been together for many years. It has been just the two of you for so long. Do you still have just the two of you time? I love the grandparent that said she still takes her DGS and DGD one night a week so her DD can have date nigth with her DH. My mom does the same thing. It is so AWESOME to have date night once a week. Sometimes it is just a walk, a glass of wine on the beach, or a trip to the home improvement store. It doesn't have to be expensive. We are also fortunate enough to go away for one long weekend a year. My mom ROCKS!!

I echo what others say about the yelling. Treat people how you want to be treated. I'm sure you wouldn't want to be yelled at; right? You can't just talk. It is just as important to listen. Each make a list of things that you would think would improve your marriage. Talk about them, listen to each other and make a plan. Just because something has always been a certain way doesn't mean it should continue.

I went back to work FT 4 months after my DD was born. Since I was working too we rotated nights of who was getting up with her so one of us could sleep.

Good luck!

Poor OP has no grandparents. I belive she said both hers and her husband's are deceased.

I was like you, I had my mom close by and it helped tremendously. I can't wait to be a grandma that pays it forward!

 

[WDWorBUST]

I have no words of wisdom for you as I am struggling right now too. BUT....I can relate. DH and I were also married 8 years before having a baby and then we had another 7 years with just the three of us before #2 came along who is just now 5 months old. Then a month after going back to work after #2 I was terminated due to a "deparmental restructure". I am floundering right now and trying to find a path so all this advice has been helpful to me too.

 

[ccgirl]

Poor OP has no grandparents. I belive she said both hers and her husband's are deceased.

I was like you, I had my mom close by and it helped tremendously. I can't wait to be a grandma that pays it forward!

Sorry, I missed that. That does make it more difficult. However, it is very important to still have alone time. I would find money in the budget, even if it's just for 2 hours to pay a babysitter. If you don't have one, you really need to. It is important to have in case of emergencies.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I'll start by saying that the first year is hard...the lack of sleep, the complete upheaval of your lives...I get it, I've lived it...{{{{{{hugs}}}}}.

My best advice is this; think about how much a divorce will cost you financially AND emotionally and decide THEN if marriage counseling is cost-prohibitive. If he left, or you left, somehow you would make it work to pay attorneys and find new places to live. So make it work NOW for your marriage. Many places will do counseling on a sliding scale. Barter babysitting with a friend, if they do the time during the sessions you will do some Saturday nights for them.

You can also do some practical things to help ease the tension such as making a list of all absolutely necessary chores around the house. Ask dh for a family meeting, offer him a drink or special treat, and cuddle with him on the couch with the list and discuss who can do what. Be sure the list of absolute necessities!! Forget dusting the ceiling fans for now, you've got a little one. It can wait. Deal with cooking, cleaning up meals, grocery shopping and putting away, trash out, etc. Put a name next to each chore, who agrees to what, and post it on the fridge.

And then do two things; one is never, ever, ever mention the list!!!!! You do your part. And the second is, you do whatever you can to help dh with HIS items. Hopefully, he will do the same. But if he doesn't, don't say anything, ESPECIALLY no yelling and no nagging.

Marriages work best when each person strives to give 100%.

You can also carve out sleep/me time. Write it on a calendar and make it sacred. Has dh not gotten to play poker/play golf/sleep in on a Sunday morning/whatever he loves to do? Plan for him to do it. And what you haven't gotten to do? Make a plan for you to do it. It will give you each something to look forward to.

Good luck, I hope you get through this!

 

[Diegosmom]

Wow I could have posted this myself 3.5 years ago. DH and I werent married long when we got pregnant. Pregnancy was great but once DS was born it was horrible. DS had some medical problem (totally fine now) and DH just didnt want to deal with it. So I had all that. Being a first time mom I was totally stressed. From the moment he walked thru the door I would be nasty to him. He would work late and I would be resentful he won't help and I would get made but hold it in. So he didnt want to come home. He stayed saying he was working late all the time. He owns his own business so sometimes this does happen but he also started drinking and actually it got really bad. So what did I learn from it and wish we did different.

Alone time is great but like you we had no family so babysitter is expensive and who do you trust with your baby...yeah hard. So this might not be possible but making sure to set aside time when baby is asleep and you both just relax together.

The other thing that I have learned is to ask hubby for help. He usually is more then willing to throw the laundry in the dryer or empty the dishwasher if I just ask. I think most men just don't realize these things need to be done (or at least my hubby...and my dad lol).

Find a MOPS group or other moms group. Nice to talk to other moms and get some me time. Plus you bring the baby and they have daycare right there so you arent too far.

Let things go. My house used to always be clean (not spotless but picked up) now it is a mess.. DS is 4 so it is easy to go from clean to a diaster in 2 seconds...Now I could make my house spotless but I would have no me time. Like now I am relaxing online while DS watches TV (not usually home on Friday but DS is sick), I will pick up later but I have to give myself that time to relax.

And the one thing that I am horrible at that to this day I still need to work on is take care of your husbands needs in the bedroom. I'll admit after working all day, bring DS to school and picking him up, making dinner, cleaning up and then getting DS to bad the only thing I want to do is hit the hay but if I take care of DH needs then he is way more willing to help and in a way better mood.

And it does get better...we have found going to church has made our marriage stronger and a priest or pastor will do marriage counciling for free.

 

[ccgirl]

Wow I could have posted this myself 3.5 years ago. DH and I werent married long when we got pregnant. Pregnancy was great but once DS was born it was horrible. DS had some medical problem (totally fine now) and DH just didnt want to deal with it. So I had all that. Being a first time mom I was totally stressed. From the moment he walked thru the door I would be nasty to him. He would work late and I would be resentful he won't help and I would get made but hold it in. So he didnt want to come home. He stayed saying he was working late all the time. He owns his own business so sometimes this does happen but he also started drinking and actually it got really bad. So what did I learn from it and wish we did different.

Alone time is great but like you we had no family so babysitter is expensive and who do you trust with your baby...yeah hard. So this might not be possible but making sure to set aside time when baby is asleep and you both just relax together.

The other thing that I have learned is to ask hubby for help. He usually is more then willing to throw the laundry in the dryer or empty the dishwasher if I just ask. I think most men just don't realize these things need to be done (or at least my hubby...and my dad lol).

Find a MOPS group or other moms group. Nice to talk to other moms and get some me time. Plus you bring the baby and they have daycare right there so you arent too far.

Let things go. My house used to always be clean (not spotless but picked up) now it is a mess.. DS is 4 so it is easy to go from clean to a diaster in 2 seconds...Now I could make my house spotless but I would have no me time. Like now I am relaxing online while DS watches TV (not usually home on Friday but DS is sick), I will pick up later but I have to give myself that time to relax.

And the one thing that I am horrible at that to this day I still need to work on is take care of your husbands needs in the bedroom. I'll admit after working all day, bring DS to school and picking him up, making dinner, cleaning up and then getting DS to bad the only thing I want to do is hit the hay but if I take care of DH needs then he is way more willing to help and in a way better mood.

And it does get better...we have found going to church has made our marriage stronger and a priest or pastor will do marriage counciling for free.

Bolding mine. It's funny...I can always tell when he wants a little somethin' somethin' he starts doing all the chores around the house. Too funny. If not, I don't get to bed until 11pm and ain't nothin' happenin then! Sorry for the TMI.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

Congrats on your little one.

Like most people said concentrate on the things you can do. Of course the yelling doesn't help, but if you're yelling now chances were you were yelling before....however since you are both new parents with little sleep and no one to fall back on dh is probably feeling a bit insecure now. Also you both might have different parenting skills and feel uncomfortable how each other handles the baby.

I would recommend taking turns having a night off. Each parent gets atleast 1 night of the week to get out of the house and do something for themselves....a movie, dinner, shopping, etc... a chance to get some sleep.

If you can't find someone you trust to watch the baby then I think you should go with the date night in suggestions. No TV or other stimulations. Take turns massaging each other, play board games, special dinner, get to know each other again and reconnect.

Most of all enjoy your baby because they grow tooo fast.

 

[bardis]

Wow I could have posted this myself 3.5 years ago. DH and I werent married long when we got pregnant. Pregnancy was great but once DS was born it was horrible. DS had some medical problem (totally fine now) and DH just didnt want to deal with it. So I had all that. Being a first time mom I was totally stressed. From the moment he walked thru the door I would be nasty to him. He would work late and I would be resentful he won't help and I would get made but hold it in. So he didnt want to come home. He stayed saying he was working late all the time. He owns his own business so sometimes this does happen but he also started drinking and actually it got really bad. So what did I learn from it and wish we did different.

Alone time is great but like you we had no family so babysitter is expensive and who do you trust with your baby...yeah hard. So this might not be possible but making sure to set aside time when baby is asleep and you both just relax together.

The other thing that I have learned is to ask hubby for help. He usually is more then willing to throw the laundry in the dryer or empty the dishwasher if I just ask. I think most men just don't realize these things need to be done (or at least my hubby...and my dad lol).
Find a MOPS group or other moms group. Nice to talk to other moms and get some me time. Plus you bring the baby and they have daycare right there so you arent too far.

Let things go. My house used to always be clean (not spotless but picked up) now it is a mess.. DS is 4 so it is easy to go from clean to a diaster in 2 seconds...Now I could make my house spotless but I would have no me time. Like now I am relaxing online while DS watches TV (not usually home on Friday but DS is sick), I will pick up later but I have to give myself that time to relax.

And the one thing that I am horrible at that to this day I still need to work on is take care of your husbands needs in the bedroom. I'll admit after working all day, bring DS to school and picking him up, making dinner, cleaning up and then getting DS to bad the only thing I want to do is hit the hay but if I take care of DH needs then he is way more willing to help and in a way better mood.

And it does get better...we have found going to church has made our marriage stronger and a priest or pastor will do marriage counciling for free.

I agree completely with the asking for help. On weekends, I would get angry because I was doing all this housework and my husband was watching TV. But I realized that he just didn't feel the same urgency in what needed to be cleaned. So I started asking him to do specific chores like vacuuming or cleaning the bathroom and he was perfectly willing to. I also had to accept that if I ask him to do clean something that it might not be done how I would do it.

Good luck to you. I think things will get better as you guys establish a routine.

 

[dizluvah]

OP here

Thanks all for the awesome advice/suggestions. I now have a few counseling options to look into (that I hadn't thought of) from posters advice - EAP with the company, local universities, our church pastor, etc...

I plan on discussing the suggestions with DH this weekend - the 20 minutes daily, alone time after baby is asleep, the chores list and distribution of labor - I especially liked the example of hubby getting 30 min after work to unwind then mom gets an hour break - lots of great ideas to run by him so we can decide what will work best for us

You have certainly helped us think outside our box - some things I simply would not have thought of.

A few asked if I work, I went back to work at our local newspaper part-time after baby was 6 weeks old - I was working at night (thanks to super flexible company) after DH got home but it was causing us major stress/disagreements over leaving on time, DH getting home on time, me standing by the door with my coat to dash out to get to work on time when he got home - no meals together, him "watching" his daughter for 3 hours every week night. So we thought me just giving it up would help our relationship stressors - so one month ago I left my job. obviously that change hasn't helped our arguing or I wouldn't have posted....

I genuinely appreciate everyone's comments and I will be sharing this thread with dh so we can discuss possible solutions