Steps in relationships, when to move to another level?

[Bluestars]

It is strange that she even thought it was possible the he would let her drive alone with only a permit. Maybe her mother lets her do it. There is no way any of my kids would have ever considered asking to do something like that.

If you do stay in this relationship, you might want to at least wait until this teen is out of the house and on her own before you consider living with him. The drama that is going on sounds horrible and it doesn't look like things will get better any time soon.

 

[Hikergirl]

OP, I would be running so far away from all of that. This whole situation is like watching a Dr. Phil episode.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

It is strange that she even thought it was possible the he would let her drive alone with only a permit. Maybe her mother lets her do it. There is no way any of my kids would have ever considered asking to do something like that.

If you do stay in this relationship, you might want to at least wait until this teen is out of the house and on her own before you consider living with him. The drama that is going on sounds horrible and it doesn't look like things will get better any time soon.

She has not been around her mother enough for that to have happened within the past several months at least. I know her boyfriend lets her drive his SUV... it is just assumed that he was with her. I am also only assuming it would be legal for him to let her drive with him with her, he is 18 and she is 16. He has a real drivers license, but I don't know about the age thing. I would not think it is unrealistic to think that maybe he has been letting her drive alone. (NOT saying that's been happening, but that is the most likely scenario if it is).

My friend from work was like OMG, you better all sit down had have a "Come to Jesus" meeting about this stuff. She says that when this girl turns 18, things will not change. You will just have an out of control adult on your hands. She also warned me that this kid will turn on me like a pit bull if I ever cross her. (yes right now she is like my best friend because I too, go along with everything she wants and cater to her every wish). I did kind of figure that's true. She told me when it comes to this step-children or even in serious dating situations, that I am going to have to be established as an authority figure and she will have to show respect to me. She said these rules have to be set up or it will be a disaster. If I lose him because he is unwilling to allow this, I didn't need him to begin with.

 

[Disney_traveler]

@Kathryn Merteuil

I am directly referencing this to you because I want you to realize how disrespectful you are being to SO many people. You originally said you are a sweet and loving person, yet You keep talking about having no one but the boyfriends. Perhaps you need to step back and realize you are being just as hurtful and absuive to others.

of course it seems as if their relationship records are as bad as mine.

My friends, I dare say some of them have a worse track record with relationships than I do...
.

there is nothing sadder than being single, especially if you are over a certain age.

but the thought of being this old and nobody loving you just makes me very sad

also seems as if the older you get, the less your chances are of finding that.

Honestly, when I did do therapy I thought it was a joke.

. This was a health dept. therapist who didn't even have a degree in psychology... it was a Masters in social work.

I believe it is like 8 years... and yes I can see why such a catch is still available after that long.

 

[wilkeliza]

At 6 months you really have no place with choices mad around the kids. Heck I'm shocked you know the kids that well and if he does have a laundry list of exs since his divorce you are probably just another woman that will be gone soon to them.

Depending on what state you live in her boyfriend may be breaking the law by letting her drive. I know in Texas you need someone 21 or over in the passenger seat when ever you drive with your permit. Many states have similar laws.

 

[Bluestars]

She has not been around her mother enough for that to have happened within the past several months at least. I know her boyfriend lets her drive his SUV... it is just assumed that he was with her. I am also only assuming it would be legal for him to let her drive with him with her, he is 18 and she is 16. He has a real drivers license, but I don't know about the age thing. I would not think it is unrealistic to think that maybe he has been letting her drive alone. (NOT saying that's been happening, but that is the most likely scenario if it is).

My friend from work was like OMG, you better all sit down had have a "Come to Jesus" meeting about this stuff. She says that when this girl turns 18, things will not change. You will just have an out of control adult on your hands. She also warned me that this kid will turn on me like a pit bull if I ever cross her. (yes right now she is like my best friend because I too, go along with everything she wants and cater to her every wish). I did kind of figure that's true. She told me when it comes to this step-children or even in serious dating situations, that I am going to have to be established as an authority figure and she will have to show respect to me. She said these rules have to be set up or it will be a disaster. If I lose him because he is unwilling to allow this, I didn't need him to begin with.

If she is disrespectful to her own parents, she is never going to be respectful to you and see you as an authority figure. From everything you have said, you couldn't pay me to date someone with all of that baggage.

 

[kimblebee]

You've been dating this guy for only six months and his DAUGHTER already has you wrapped around her finger??

no, just...no.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

@Kathryn Merteuil

I am directly referencing this to you because I want you to realize how disrespectful you are being to SO many people. You originally said you are a sweet and loving person, yet You keep talking about having no one but the boyfriends. Perhaps you need to step back and realize you are being just as hurtful and absuive to others.

I am sorry if those things sounded rude or disrespectful. I guess I think things and don't realize how harsh they may sound when put into words. Thankfully I would never say anything like that out loud to anybody.

At 6 months you really have no place with choices mad around the kids. Heck I'm shocked you know the kids that well and if he does have a laundry list of exs since his divorce you are probably just another woman that will be gone soon to them.

Depending on what state you live in her boyfriend may be breaking the law by letting her drive. I know in Texas you need someone 21 or over in the passenger seat when ever you drive with your permit. Many states have similar laws.

I have spent a lot of time around the kids. The younger one has finally warmed up to me, the older one was instantly my buddy from the get go. I am not trying to be pushy and just horn in on their concert here. My BF has invited me in, and wants me involved. Of course I suspect my involvement and input would be limited to agreeing with everything he says and does.

In regards to the driving thing. I never really thought about it when I heard about it. It would not surprise me if that is illegal.

If she is disrespectful to her own parents, she is never going to be respectful to you and see you as an authority figure. From everything you have said, you couldn't pay me to date someone with all of that baggage.

I agree that my chances are not good with that.

You've been dating this guy for only six months and his DAUGHTER already has you wrapped around her finger??

no, just...no.

Yes, I have gone out of my way to make both of them like me. It would be really bad if I didn't. I do not have children of my own, so I have really felt like they will be the closest thing I will have. I know I am not a replacement for their mother, however I DO want them to love me, and at least think of me as mother figure. I love it when come to me for things, I want to be somebody that they trust and love back. So yes, it is easy to get wrapped around somebody's finger when you have tried as hard as I have.

 

[Disney_traveler]

"I am sorry if those things sounded rude or disrespectful. I guess I think things and don't realize how harsh they may sound when put into words. Thankfully I would never say anything like that out loud to anybody."

@Kathryn Merteuil

Seriously!?!?!?

WHEN YOU SAY THEM HERE YOU ARE SAYING THEM OUT LOUD!!!

I'm done. It's clear to me you do not want to use any advice or change. All you want is some kind of attention. This is merely your stage for your own personal soap opera.

 

[roseaster]

Oh hell no, OP. Just hell no.

1st, teenagers can be trying in a solid marriage, but a teenager in a dysfunctional divorce will wreak havoc. You may not have kids, but you were a kid. If you recognize that her behavior was out of the norm, and that was in front of company, imagine what it is like typically. My kids may pull some stuff at home, but they know that if they were to ever act that way in front of someone else the consequences would be dire.

2nd, you are only dating 6 months and you are already that involved in his kids' lives? At 6 months you should, maybe, just be meeting these kids, not already have won them over. I was dating my now husband a year before and we discussed marriage before he even met my kids. Meeting GF after GF after minimal dating just introduces more chaos into the lives of those kids.

3rd, you are not, nor will you ever be a mother figure, or anything close to those kids. They have a mother, and they are too old to develop a maternal relationship with another woman.

There is way to much drama and chaos in this man's life. He has a dysfunctional relationship with his ex and with his kids. I read your post about all the things that happened to you in a very short amount of time. You managed to extricate yourself from a chaotic and drama filled situation. why in the world would you want to put yourself back into one?

You have had a a lot of upheaval in your life. At your age (and we are close in age) do you not want some security and peace and calmness? I have 6 children (1 is an infant, 3 are teens) and 3 dogs and I do not have this level of drama and chaos in my life. Screaming, yelling, arguing, anger, these are things I have no time for.

You said your mother was your greatest supporter. Think of your mom. What would she say about this situation?

 

[BrinkofSunshine]

I know I am not a replacement for their mother, however I DO want them to love me, and at least think of me as mother figure. I love it when come to me for things, I want to be somebody that they trust and love back. So yes, it is easy to get wrapped around somebody's finger when you have tried as hard as I have.

Interesting word choice here- I think it's indicative of the overlying issue, which is that you're looking for other people to fill a void, to complete you as a person. This can never end well. You need to be a whole person before you can commit fully to a relationship, especially as a parent figure.

Find a therapist. If you didn't like the credentials of your last one, find an actual psychologist or psychiatrist, as they must have a PhD in that field. But I'm starting to believe you won't take any advice.

 

[cabanafrau]

I don't understand the fuss? The kids seem to love her. That's good enough for Facebook.

 

[Hikergirl]

My friend from work was like OMG, you better all sit down had have a "Come to Jesus" meeting about this stuff. She says that when this girl turns 18, things will not change. You will just have an out of control adult on your hands. She also warned me that this kid will turn on me like a pit bull if I ever cross her. (yes right now she is like my best friend because I too, go along with everything she wants and cater to her every wish). I did kind of figure that's true. She told me when it comes to this step-children or even in serious dating situations, that I am going to have to be established as an authority figure and she will have to show respect to me. She said these rules have to be set up or it will be a disaster. If I lose him because he is unwilling to allow this, I didn't need him to begin with.

No, you "all" should not have a sit down come to Jesus meeting. You have been dating that man for 6 months, you are not in a position to have a come to Jesus meeting with his daughter.

I get the impression you don't take advice you are given, so hopefully you won't be taking this friend's advice either.

 

[smiths02]

I believe it is like 8 years... and yes I can see why such a catch is still available after that long. Through my own research on him, I have found a list of ex-girlfriends during that period of time. I am assuming they got tired of this drama. I don't think any of this is new, it has probably been going on for all those years and I am just the most recent on the list of names to be involved.

I was talking with a friend at work today, she said this deal with the child is a HUGE problem. She said that if her own child had acted that way, that she would have been grounded into oblivion. She also said that the way this child interacts with her mother is entirely wrong She also said that my BF should not allow her to act so disrespectfully to her mother when they are together, and via text and phone. She said that she would never allow her kids to act that way towards their father and vice versa. My BF's approach to parenting is to give her everything she wants, and let her do whatever she wants so that she would want to be with him instead of her mother. Of course this morning, my BF offered excuses for what happened last night. He explained that she was upset because it embarrassed her that he disciplined her in front of me. (Discipline=telling her she could not do something is all he did). I saw it myself, I was there, he did not raise his voice, all he did was not allow her do something that was illegal. She had no punishment for the behavior because the poor girl had suffered enough from the embarrassment of the incident.

I remember being a teenager, and yes I guess I had an attitude... but I would have NEVER acted that way. I got in trouble for eye rolling and dirty looks. If I had acted like that when I was her age, I would STILL be grounded today.

Even if you think you are great and don't need therapy...

Your BF has not been able to make a psychologically healthy life for him and his children after EIGHT years. Even if the ex-wife seriously has mental health issues (and if they are that severe, he should be seeing a lawyer and not trusting her with his children)....your BF should have already resolved through lawyers and therapy how to deal with her. He is still totally enmeshed in the relationship with his ex. You are saying yourself that he is not ready for a relationship.
He has shown you that his children (even when they are totally wrong) and his ex will always come before you.

 

[morgan98]

She has not been around her mother enough for that to have happened within the past several months at least. I know her boyfriend lets her drive his SUV... it is just assumed that he was with her. I am also only assuming it would be legal for him to let her drive with him with her, he is 18 and she is 16. He has a real drivers license, but I don't know about the age thing. I would not think it is unrealistic to think that maybe he has been letting her drive alone. (NOT saying that's been happening, but that is the most likely scenario if it is).

My friend from work was like OMG, you better all sit down had have a "Come to Jesus" meeting about this stuff. She says that when this girl turns 18, things will not change. You will just have an out of control adult on your hands. She also warned me that this kid will turn on me like a pit bull if I ever cross her. (yes right now she is like my best friend because I too, go along with everything she wants and cater to her every wish). I did kind of figure that's true. She told me when it comes to this step-children or even in serious dating situations, that I am going to have to be established as an authority figure and she will have to show respect to me. She said these rules have to be set up or it will be a disaster. If I lose him because he is unwilling to allow this, I didn't need him to begin with.

I think people want to help you, but with every subsequent post it becomes clear that you are not even listening. In my opinion, this post is more deflecting from the real issue at hand.

Now you are deflecting the issues you have in your relationship with your BF(about how you thought he was cheating, the fact you don't feel like he pays enough attention to you, the fact you do not know why he got divorced) into now making this about his kids and inserting yourself into their relationship.

You still do not want to discuss or address the underlying issue that is you are not ready for this relationship and that you need some time to heal and learn to be on your own.

 

[mom2rtk]

You managed to extricate yourself from a chaotic and drama filled situation. why in the world would you want to put yourself back into one?

Seriously, OP. This cannot be emphasized enough.

Read this post.

Then read it again.

If it hasn't sunk in yet, keep reading it until you do.

What does it say about you that you would even consider staying in yet another chaotic situation?

 

[QueenIsabella]

Oh hell no, OP. Just hell no.

1st, teenagers can be trying in a solid marriage, but a teenager in a dysfunctional divorce will wreak havoc. You may not have kids, but you were a kid. If you recognize that her behavior was out of the norm, and that was in front of company, imagine what it is like typically. My kids may pull some stuff at home, but they know that if they were to ever act that way in front of someone else the consequences would be dire.

2nd, you are only dating 6 months and you are already that involved in his kids' lives? At 6 months you should, maybe, just be meeting these kids, not already have won them over. I was dating my now husband a year before and we discussed marriage before he even met my kids. Meeting GF after GF after minimal dating just introduces more chaos into the lives of those kids.

3rd, you are not, nor will you ever be a mother figure, or anything close to those kids. They have a mother, and they are too old to develop a maternal relationship with another woman.

There is way to much drama and chaos in this man's life. He has a dysfunctional relationship with his ex and with his kids. I read your post about all the things that happened to you in a very short amount of time. You managed to extricate yourself from a chaotic and drama filled situation. why in the world would you want to put yourself back into one?

You have had a a lot of upheaval in your life. At your age (and we are close in age) do you not want some security and peace and calmness? I have 6 children (1 is an infant, 3 are teens) and 3 dogs and I do not have this level of drama and chaos in my life. Screaming, yelling, arguing, anger, these are things I have no time for.

You said your mother was your greatest supporter. Think of your mom. What would she say about this situation?

This says it all. I copied it, just so you could read it again. Seriously, read it 10 times. There is good information here.

 

[Elleshoodat]

You all have way more patience than me.

I continue to follow this thread purely for the entertainment value, as it's evident that "Kathryn" will never take any advice she is given. But she will take and take all of the attention and validation she can get.

 

[Pixiedustaway]

"I am sorry if those things sounded rude or disrespectful. I guess I think things and don't realize how harsh they may sound when put into words. Thankfully I would never say anything like that out loud to anybody."

@Kathryn Merteuil

Seriously!?!?!?

WHEN YOU SAY THEM HERE YOU ARE SAYING THEM OUT LOUD!!!

I'm done. It's clear to me you do not want to use any advice or change. All you want is some kind of attention. This is merely your stage for your own personal soap opera.

Bravo!! Well said

 

[Wishing on a star]

OMG, now a teen directly involved... Which (no surprise!!!) the OP also seems to be OCD obligated and compelled to please and pacify.

Wow... just WOW.

Good, flipping, GRIEF!!!!!!