Steps in relationships, when to move to another level?

[Snap Crackle Pop]

On a positive note, I have come a long way in a year.

I am no longer married to my ex (obviously)
I am gainfully employed.
I have lost like 20 lbs.
I have my own place to live.

These are all positive changes I have made since a year ago. It's not as if I have made no progress at all.

But you are on repeat with relationships and that's all you obsess over

 

[Hikergirl]

On a positive note, I have come a long way in a year.

I am no longer married to my ex (obviously)
I am gainfully employed.
I have lost like 20 lbs.
I have my own place to live.

These are all positive changes I have made since a year ago. It's not as if I have made no progress at all.

I don't really know your history, but #1 really stood out because I thought you were dating this current man for 6 months? Being ready to marry someone again a year after a divorce is not a positive note. The other three things you have listed are good things, but why are you so in a rush to do the first thing all over again? Just take it slow, see a therapist and work on adding more positive notes to your list.

 

[morgan98]

On a positive note, I have come a long way in a year.

I am no longer married to my ex (obviously)
I am gainfully employed.
I have lost like 20 lbs.
I have my own place to live.

These are all positive changes I have made since a year ago. It's not as if I have made no progress at all.

Yes, you have come a long way in a year!!!! Which makes it all the more crazy to tie your happiness to someone else already. Try being on your own and explore other friendships and interests before you settle down.

 

[gemini2727]

Op, I'm now convinced that you don't want advice or help. You want an audience. My very good friend is very similar. Always so much drama, endless rehashing of her problems. Advice given, advice ignored, ad nauseum...it's exhausting.

 

[lustergirl]

I have question regarding the OP? She has over 7,000 posts, has she always been this way or is this something new? If she has always been this way, with the neediness and low self esteem, then there is no help.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I have question regarding the OP? She has over 7,000 posts, has she always been this way or is this something new? If she has always been this way, with the neediness and low self esteem, then there is no help.

Since 2014, my life kind of got turned upside down, that is when I came unglued. I lost most of what was dear to me. I felt like I lost my freedom when my ex (who was no surprise to begin with, but we didn't interact a lot before thankfully) became disabled and I had to try to work a full-time job AND take care of him. He was impossible, demanding and abusive and fought me every step of the way trying to help. I gave up my job, because something had to give. I could not take care of him, the house and work all at the same time. It was impossible. So income went from comfortable to very minimal. I lost my home. I loved my house, it is where I planned to stay forever. We had to sell it, we could not afford it, thankfully it sold. I lost most of my material possessions. Granted a lot of it was stuff I did not need, but when you have nowhere to store stuff, and you move from a house into an apartment. You sell what you can, give away, and donate what is left over. It's all you can do. During the middle of all of this, my mother who was ALWAYS my BFF passed away. The ONE person in this world who was always on my side, the ONE person I could always count on to not give up on me, the ONE person who would make me feel better is gone. Yes I have made a crap-ton of mistakes in the last couple years and yes I have been very humbled.

After getting out of that disastrous marriage I moved to a new city. It is a couple hours from everybody and everything I knew. (I did it to get away from my old world AND there was a job here). I had NOTHING, I had NOBODY... yea kind of melted down when I was TRULY on my own and had nobody. I know I had underlying attachment issues before this, but when I found a BF, I latched on tightly. I have made new friends now... a lot of them are through him, and of course new friends from work. I will not get back my old life, I just want to build a new one.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

I've got it! Kathryn Merteuil needs new juicy material for Cruel Intentions 4.

Come on people...being seriously played!

I hope this isn't the case, but it is suspicious.

 

[Bluestars]

During the middle of all of this, my mother who was ALWAYS my BFF passed away. The ONE person in this world who was always on my side, the ONE person I could always count on to not give up on me, the ONE person who would make me feel better is gone. Yes I have made a crap-ton of mistakes in the last couple years and yes I have been very humbled.

After getting out of that disastrous marriage I moved to a new city. It is a couple hours from everybody and everything I knew. (I did it to get away from my old world AND there was a job here). I had NOTHING, I had NOBODY... yea kind of melted down when I was TRULY on my own and had nobody. I know I had underlying attachment issues before this, but when I found a BF, I latched on tightly. I have made new friends now... a lot of them are through him, and of course new friends from work. I will not get back my old life, I just want to build a new one.

I am very sorry about the loss of your mother. That can take a tremendous toll on a person, especially when you had a very close relationship.

 

[cabanafrau]

Since 2014, my life kind of got turned upside down, that is when I came unglued. I lost most of what was dear to me. I felt like I lost my freedom when my ex (who was no surprise to begin with, but we didn't interact a lot before thankfully) became disabled and I had to try to work a full-time job AND take care of him. He was impossible, demanding and abusive and fought me every step of the way trying to help. I gave up my job, because something had to give. I could not take care of him, the house and work all at the same time. It was impossible. So income went from comfortable to very minimal. I lost my home. I loved my house, it is where I planned to stay forever. We had to sell it, we could not afford it, thankfully it sold. I lost most of my material possessions. Granted a lot of it was stuff I did not need, but when you have nowhere to store stuff, and you move from a house into an apartment. You sell what you can, give away, and donate what is left over. It's all you can do. During the middle of all of this, my mother who was ALWAYS my BFF passed away. The ONE person in this world who was always on my side, the ONE person I could always count on to not give up on me, the ONE person who would make me feel better is gone. Yes I have made a crap-ton of mistakes in the last couple years and yes I have been very humbled.

After getting out of that disastrous marriage I moved to a new city. It is a couple hours from everybody and everything I knew. (I did it to get away from my old world AND there was a job here). I had NOTHING, I had NOBODY... yea kind of melted down when I was TRULY on my own and had nobody. I know I had underlying attachment issues before this, but when I found a BF, I latched on tightly. I have made new friends now... a lot of them are through him, and of course new friends from work. I will not get back my old life, I just want to build a new one.

Take a step back, realize you have an opportunity to do just that -- build the new life you want. Maybe it's time to put some thought into planning what that really means to you, what you really want. Then figure out the steps it will take to achieve those goals. My advice? Build it will bricks, not straw or twigs. I gave you recommendations upthread, but I'll repeat them. Start with healthy living and exercise, no matter what you want your future to be this will benefit you. Think about some hobbies or interests you want to pursue -- men and/or relationships do not qualify. Volunteer your time for a cause that speaks to your heart. This will benefit the world around you, pull you out of your head and make you consider other people's needs in different ways and will likely put you in touch with some compassionate people who care about something bigger than themselves.

Friendships will likely start to blossom in your life. Healthy friendships are hugely important in life. I've been happily married for approaching 30 years to a great husband I dated almost five years prior to that. Even so, my treasured friendships mean the world to me. In the whole process it's likely a great potential mate may turn up as well. If he does, you'll be a person worthy of his interest. If he doesn't, you'll have the makings of a great life and network of friends to provide plenty of companionship to take the journey with. What's for certain is you will be spending the rest of your life with . . . you. That's who you should focus on making healthy and truly happy.

 

[smiths02]

I would assume that they loved each other at some point yes. Granted I have never met her... However, I have seen some of her work. She sends hateful texts, I have listened to her screaming rants she leaves on his voicemail. She really is a ranting raving lunatic sometimes. She and their oldest daughter (who is now living with him) go back and forth with the fighting... and yes this is how the two of them keep getting into it. She plays this card with her daughter (yes I have read the texts myself), about how you are such a spoiled brat, you are a lying piece of blah blah... then later "I love you so much, why do you treat me this way, why wont you come back to live with me"? It has gotten to the point where she (his ex, to their daughter) was like "you are dead to me".... but eventually went back to the, "I love you don't ignore me".

Then he steps in, then they go at it with each other... it is exhausting. This has been going on the entire time I have known him.

He needs a lawyer and a family therapist for him and his daughter at least.

Even if the ex is a raving lunatic, he and his daughter need to learn how to deal with this emotionally and legally.

 

[littlejimmy]

I cant believe that some of you are still giving her advice. sort of funny when you think about it.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I am happy that I got some input about the attention thing. I suspected I was being unreasonable about him talking to others, and not including me in conversations with others when we are out. At 44, I smile and act cool about it (because I can understand, that issue is my fault and that's on me). Like this morning... I think back to last night, I was just being silly getting bent out of shape about him not giving me his undivided attention the whole night. Was I upset and angry at the time? Absolutely! The next morning, it's cool, no problem. I get so worked up over everything all the time, that I lose sight of what I should really be upset about and what I should not. I just try to show no anger at all, that way I don't look like I am being a witch. I guess I do have a process... I believe it may not be a good process though.

A lot of his texting with the ex is about the kids. He texts back and forth with his daughter a lot. What generally happens is, his ex also text his daughter and get her all upset. Then he is texting back and forth with both of them. I am convinced that his ex is actively working to destroy any relationship he might have. For example... she chose his birthday to have a meltdown that included suicide threats.

Who had the meltdown, the wife or the daughter? And do the wife or the daughter have mental illness?

 

[Liberty Belle]

OK... In regards to the no therapy stuff yet. I kind of thought if I could gather all the information, I could figure this stuff out myself. Honestly, when I did do therapy I thought it was a joke. Probably it was extreme arrogance on my part, but I thought I was smarter than the therapist. It was just all about goal setting, and putting timelines on stuff I wanted to do. I did feel more motivated to actually get that stuff done because I did not want to go back the next time and say "I didn't do my homework" kind of thing. That was about dealing with the bad marriage.

You know how in school you have bad teachers and good teachers? And you know how one teacher can work great with one student, but just doesn't mesh with another? That's how therapists go. Only you have more choice now. We had to put up with what teacher we got, but you can choose a different therapist if you're not liking the one you initially go to. You may have to go through two or three or more to find one you think is helping you, but be sure you're being honest with yourself.

You sound very codependent and that's something therapy can fix.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I would assume that they loved each other at some point yes. Granted I have never met her... However, I have seen some of her work. She sends hateful texts, I have listened to her screaming rants she leaves on his voicemail. She really is a ranting raving lunatic sometimes. She and their oldest daughter (who is now living with him) go back and forth with the fighting... and yes this is how the two of them keep getting into it. She plays this card with her daughter (yes I have read the texts myself), about how you are such a spoiled brat, you are a lying piece of blah blah... then later "I love you so much, why do you treat me this way, why wont you come back to live with me"? It has gotten to the point where she (his ex, to their daughter) was like "you are dead to me".... but eventually went back to the, "I love you don't ignore me".

Then he steps in, then they go at it with each other... it is exhausting. This has been going on the entire time I have known him.

There are three sides to every story. His side, her side and the truth. Don't believe everything he tells you.

My XH and I get along pretty good but we have our moments. And he does NOT like to talk at all. One of the many reasons we divorced. I had an exgf of his say something to me about a bunch of texts I sent him and how she was trying to spend time with him and I was ruining their time. What she didn't know was that on his drive to her house he called me and threw a bunch accusations and threats at me and hung up once he got there. I never knew he was at her house. So when he got to her house he played it off as I was texting him and angry out of nowhere. He never told her we were on the phone 5 minutes before. I never told her that he called me before I texted him. I just let her look like a fool. They finally broke up so I assume she realized his game.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Who had the meltdown, the wife or the daughter? And do the wife or the daughter have mental illness?

His ex wife had the meltdown accompanied by suicide threats.

My BF has said before that his greatest fear is that their oldest daughter will want to go back and live with her mom instead of him. I BELIEVE that he has been absolutely bending over backwards to give her everything she wants and let her do whatever she wants. (this is may not be the reality of it, but it appears to be that way to me). Last night however I did see a different side to his daughter. It was not pretty. He actually told her NO about something. (She was wanting to take the car somewhere, and she only has a learning permit). He put his foot down and said ABSOLUTELY NOT. She had a horrible temper tantrum. It was ugly. I did not know she was capable of acting that way. She later tells her grandmother that he yelled at her and stuff. I was there, he did not yell at her, he didn't even raise his voice, he just stood up to her. She didn't get her way so she threw a fit. I hate to say it, but I really have suspicion that this teenager is just playing both sides against each other sometimes. I still believe her mother is a raving lunatic, I have seen the texts and heard the voice mails myself. However, I believe she is manipulating them in order to get what she wants a lot of times. She knows they are competing for her affection and she is making the most of the situation... just my thought on the matter and it is a bad thought to have. Until last night, I thought I was crazy for suspecting this, but after that display she put on... OMG.

 

[mom2rtk]

I hate to say it, but I really have suspicion that this teenager is just playing both sides against each other sometimes.

Ya think?

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Ya think?

My BF's mother came out and told him that once, and he was SOOOOO angry with her for saying it . I did not want to say anything at the time, but I suspected his mother was right. Her grandmother knows her better than I do, she called it a long time ago.

 

[morgan98]

His ex wife had the meltdown accompanied by suicide threats.

My BF has said before that his greatest fear is that their oldest daughter will want to go back and live with her mom instead of him. I BELIEVE that he has been absolutely bending over backwards to give her everything she wants and let her do whatever she wants. (this is may not be the reality of it, but it appears to be that way to me). Last night however I did see a different side to his daughter. It was not pretty. He actually told her NO about something. (She was wanting to take the car somewhere, and she only has a learning permit). He put his foot down and said ABSOLUTELY NOT. She had a horrible temper tantrum. It was ugly. I did not know she was capable of acting that way. She later tells her grandmother that he yelled at her and stuff. I was there, he did not yell at her, he didn't even raise his voice, he just stood up to her. She didn't get her way so she threw a fit. I hate to say it, but I really have suspicion that this teenager is just playing both sides against each other sometimes. I still believe her mother is a raving lunatic, I have seen the texts and heard the voice mails myself. However, I believe she is manipulating them in order to get what she wants a lot of times. She knows they are competing for her affection and she is making the most of the situation... just my thought on the matter and it is a bad thought to have. Until last night, I thought I was crazy for suspecting this, but after that display she put on... OMG.

With you being so newly divorced and not even knowing WHY he got a divorce, I think the last thing you should do in insert yourself in the middle of this situation. Not only have you posted about having doubts about him and his behavior and not telling him how you really feel about things, there is all of this drama going on.

Please take a step back and be on your own for while.

 

[Hikergirl]

OP, how long has your BF been divorced from his ex?

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

OP, how long has your BF been divorced from his ex?

I believe it is like 8 years... and yes I can see why such a catch is still available after that long. Through my own research on him, I have found a list of ex-girlfriends during that period of time. I am assuming they got tired of this drama. I don't think any of this is new, it has probably been going on for all those years and I am just the most recent on the list of names to be involved.

I was talking with a friend at work today, she said this deal with the child is a HUGE problem. She said that if her own child had acted that way, that she would have been grounded into oblivion. She also said that the way this child interacts with her mother is entirely wrong She also said that my BF should not allow her to act so disrespectfully to her mother when they are together, and via text and phone. She said that she would never allow her kids to act that way towards their father and vice versa. My BF's approach to parenting is to give her everything she wants, and let her do whatever she wants so that she would want to be with him instead of her mother. Of course this morning, my BF offered excuses for what happened last night. He explained that she was upset because it embarrassed her that he disciplined her in front of me. (Discipline=telling her she could not do something is all he did). I saw it myself, I was there, he did not raise his voice, all he did was not allow her do something that was illegal. She had no punishment for the behavior because the poor girl had suffered enough from the embarrassment of the incident.

I remember being a teenager, and yes I guess I had an attitude... but I would have NEVER acted that way. I got in trouble for eye rolling and dirty looks. If I had acted like that when I was her age, I would STILL be grounded today.