Stepparenting Vent

[CajunDixie]

**Snipped**
Now, he's a very sensitive kid, and there's always the possibility he is expressing things differently to his mom. Or, that she feels like she's protecting him. But, honestly, this is very much in line with the way she acts about much more trivial things. Or things that he's really interested in. (A country music concert, for example, that he requested to go to and that she waited six weeks to let us know he could attend.)

I'd schedule the party on the weekend your extended family will be in town. Otherwise what will happen most likely is what happened above with the concert. I wouldn't commit my kids to a date in December either. Most likely when the time comes she'll let him attend. If you schedule it on "your" weekend then she'll come back and ask why you waited and that she would have let him go on the weekend you wanted.

 

[Anewman]

Without reading any replies, sorry if points have been made already.

So frustrated right now. I have a 9 year old step-son whose mom is just difficult. Very difficult to communicate with. (Email only, won't talk to us on phone, takes weeks to answer questions, etc). I'm expecting my first child at the end of September, and we are trying to plan the baby naming. This is a Jewish ceremony most closely related to a Christening, but not quite as religious.

My father passed away about 2 years ago, and the hospital where he worked is having a large memorial service (opening a building in his name) on a weekend in December. I'd really like to have the naming on the same weekend so that out of town relatives can be there. If it's much earlier, we run into Thanksgiving or the babies first month when I'd rather not do a big social event (due to exposing baby to so many people). If it's much later we run into Christmas holidays. After that, my mom is moving and we were planning to have the event at her house. (It's much larger than ours) If it's at all close to the other event, many relatives of mine who are flying in won't be able to plan a second trip.

The catch? We don't have my stepson that weekend. We asked his mom if we could have him a few hours that weekend (any few hours, either Saturday or Sunday for a day in exchange of her choice) We had to ask three times to get a reply. (Over a period of two weeks) Do they have anything planned? No. She just doesn't 'feel comfortable' making plans that far in advance.

I realize that the remarriage and new child must be a huge stress for her. But what is she thinking just making things difficult for me when I'm going to be in her son's life? Wouldn't she appreciate flexibility from us in the future? There's no question about scheduling the naming when the fourth most important person involved (after baby and the father and I) can't be there. But I'm going to be very sad when a lot of my extended family cannot come.

Honestly, it is not her job to plan 4 months ahead to make things easier for her EX husbands new wife. Sure it would be nice but I dont understand the shock.

If you and your husband have your stepson for XMAS or New Years, offer a switch...

I mean this is a really important event for you.

 

[DVC Sadie]

I have read all the posts and I have not read one post that was completely honest with you. So I will try to be direct and straightforward with my reply.

No matter how many times you allow the ex to have your dss during your visitation time, she (and maybe even dss) will never have the same familiar feelings to your family as his own.

There is no love greater than the love of a son to his mother, no matter how much he loves his father. Unfortunately the stepmother and biological father will usually ALWAYS factor in as second best.

I realize that my post is direct and to the point and I do not mean to cause you pain, but I think it will be a lot less painful to hear the truth now instead of always wondering "why" things don't work out the way you expect or want.

 

[Goobergal99]

I have read all the posts and I have not read one post that was completely honest with you. So I will try to be direct and straightforward with my reply.

No matter how many times you allow the ex to have your dss during your visitation time, she (and maybe even dss) will never have the same familiar feelings to your family as his own.

There is no love greater than the love of a son to his mother, no matter how much he loves his father. Unfortunately the stepmother and biological father will usually ALWAYS factor in as second best.

I realize that my post is direct and to the point and I do not mean to cause you pain, but I think it will be a lot less painful to hear the truth now instead of always wondering "why" things don't work out the way you expect or want.

I totally agree...

 

[acejka]

I just wanted to chime in and give my own two cents. Maybe I got lucky, my parents weren't divorced, they just never married (I was a "surprise" when my mom was 18)

I can honestly say that I love all of my parents the exact same. My Grandmother and grandfather who raised me, my mother, father, stepfather, all of them equally, even though my stepfather did not physically take part in making me, he has always been my father, just the same as my father has been. I have always respected and treated them all the same. In fact I feel the same way about my inlaws, I love my mother in law, father in law and stepmother in law just the same way I love my own family, because at the end of the day they are my family.

I don't know maybe I was just raised differently.

And I see if the same way you do, a little compromising and being nice to each other makes thing easier all around, why should you guys be rude to each other just because things are working out for you with his fahter, and it didn't work out with her. I don't see the need to for her to be spiteful, diffucult and nasty but that is just me. I guess I wouldn't even think to act like that maybe.

And for what its worth, my mother in law and step mother in law get along absolutely great... I don't think they are all as hateful to each other as all the other posters are making it out to be.

 

[Goobergal99]

I just wanted to chime in and give my own two cents. Maybe I got lucky, my parents weren't divorced, they just never married (I was a "surprise" when my mom was 18)

I can honestly say that I love all of my parents the exact same. My Grandmother and grandfather who raised me, my mother, father, stepfather, all of them equally, even though my stepfather did not physically take part in making me, he has always been my father, just the same as my father has been. I have always respected and treated them all the same. In fact I feel the same way about my inlaws, I love my mother in law, father in law and stepmother in law just the same way I love my own family, because at the end of the day they are my family.

I don't know maybe I was just raised differently.

And I see if the same way you do, a little compromising and being nice to each other makes thing easier all around, why should you guys be rude to each other just because things are working out for you with his fahter, and it didn't work out with her. I don't see the need to for her to be spiteful, diffucult and nasty but that is just me. I guess I wouldn't even think to act like that maybe.

And for what its worth, my mother in law and step mother in law get along absolutely great... I don't think they are all as hateful to each other as all the other posters are making it out to be.

I think it all depends on the circumstances, and it is great that it worked out for you... I just think I can see the mothers side of view, perhaps it was not a mutual decison to end the relationship, she could be feeling many different ways

 

[ckret01]

I don't have any advice but just want to say that you seem to be a sincerely caring person. I hope all works out for you.

 

[figment52]

No offense taken at all. I'm sure she doesn't think of "me" as her son's family. But that doesn't mean that I'm not going to try to treat him as though he were. She did want full custody way back when. And my husband fought really hard for shared custody. And I know it was an ugly fight and that my husband hasn't been an angel either over all these years. I've been trying very hard over the past year to motivate him to treat her as we want to be treated. (Reimbursements going back to her quickly, schedule changes always accomodated unless we have a very good reason not to)

I'm a bit suprised that so many people say to just schedule the thing and not worry about whether he can make it. I can't imagine any good coming from planning an event like this (50 out of town family members, big meal, etc.) and having it when he couldn't attend. I've never done this stepfamily thing before either, but it just feels wrong!

I'm really afraid things are going to hit the fan in a month or so. The order states that she provides ss's health insurance and we pay 60% of the cost. (About $700/yr.) Now that we have to have a family plan, it costs us nothing to add ss to our plan. Which is actually better coverage with much less out of pocket than hers. We requested three months ago that she consider modifying the order so we provide coverage. She's still considering it. If she refuses and still insists we pay, I know dh is going to lose it.

Family court will make her decision for her if she won't make it. I don't advocate using the court for every little thing but this kind of a modification to a custody settlement is what they are for - use it.

Good luck with the naming cermony situation. I am not acquainted iwth the custom but can it be held twice if necessary - once for your extended famly and once for the immediately family? It works for weddings.

 

[RachelEllen]

I have read all the posts and I have not read one post that was completely honest with you. So I will try to be direct and straightforward with my reply.

No matter how many times you allow the ex to have your dss during your visitation time, she (and maybe even dss) will never have the same familiar feelings to your family as his own.

There is no love greater than the love of a son to his mother, no matter how much he loves his father. Unfortunately the stepmother and biological father will usually ALWAYS factor in as second best.

I realize that my post is direct and to the point and I do not mean to cause you pain, but I think it will be a lot less painful to hear the truth now instead of always wondering "why" things don't work out the way you expect or want.

I'd never expect him to have the same feelings about me as his mother. I'll never be his mother. I guess I don't see this as really relevent, however. We are not asking him to make a choice between two parents. We are asking her to exchange a random Saturday in December for another day of her choosing. To give up something with no value to her (one Saturday vs another) in order to provide us something once in a lifetime and important. It's not a matter of who he loves more. It's a matter of a courtesy that I would extend to most strangers. Let alone to people with whom, as distasteful and painful as it may be to her, that she needs to get along with for years in the best interest of her son.

I'm sure my naiveity about what I was getting into is going to become more and more apparent as time goes by, but I have been surprised by many of the responses. This is obviously a very sensitive issue that many people are viewing through thier own experience of divorce, parenthood, stepparenthood, etc.

 

[Nicolepa]

To give up something with no value to her (one Saturday vs another) in order to provide us something once in a lifetime and important.

First off I want to commend you for trying to have an amicable relationship with his mother, and for accepting him as your own (the best you can in the situation). It takes a very special person to be that kind of stepmom.

That being said. There will be lots of once in a lifetime & important moments in your child's life. It is unrealistic to think that your stepson will be a part of them all. That's just a fact of life in a blended family.

What is very important to you is not important to her. While I'd agree with you that if everyone was flexible it would make life much more simple and pleasant, but it's got to be a two way street and it sounds like that's not the case here. I'd say if she's not willing to be flexible then you shouldn't either. Do your best to plan the important things on your weeks and tell her tough luck if she wants your time. When she asks why tell her the truth, you are tired of being the only flexible one.

 

[MossMan]

I'd never expect him to have the same feelings about me as his mother. I'll never be his mother. I guess I don't see this as really relevent, however. We are not asking him to make a choice between two parents. We are asking her to exchange a random Saturday in December for another day of her choosing. To give up something with no value to her (one Saturday vs another) in order to provide us something once in a lifetime and important. It's not a matter of who he loves more. It's a matter of a courtesy that I would extend to most strangers. Let alone to people with whom, as distasteful and painful as it may be to her, that she needs to get along with for years in the best interest of her son.

I'm sure my naiveity about what I was getting into is going to become more and more apparent as time goes by, but I have been surprised by many of the responses. This is obviously a very sensitive issue that many people are viewing through thier own experience of divorce, parenthood, stepparenthood, etc.

No, the request you have made is not unreasonable.

Is the significance you are putting on these events to much? There is no way I can answer that. I don't think anyone else can answer that either.

The point is that there is a significance on these events. And you have made a reasonable request even if you have placed too much significance on these events (and I'm not saying you have.)

If a reasonable request is refused, the last thing you should do is go looking for reasonable answers or reasonable solutions. That's because they don't exist. If she won't agree to a reasonable request now, you have to assume she will be unreasonable in the future.

Hoping or asking for reasonableness from her is futile. Don't do it. If she won't be reasonable now, she won't be reasonable one hour before she is supposed to drop him off. Even if she says yes and you make your plans, she can still (and will probably be) unreasonable again. Otherwise she would agree to the reasonable request you have made.

If it is important he is there, plan it for a weekend you have him. If it isn't important he is there, then plan it for a weekend she has him. But don't expect you will get him on that weekend.

 

[DVC Sadie]

I'd never expect him to have the same feelings about me as his mother. I'll never be his mother. I guess I don't see this as really relevent, however. We are not asking him to make a choice between two parents. We are asking her to exchange a random Saturday in December for another day of her choosing. To give up something with no value to her (one Saturday vs another) in order to provide us something once in a lifetime and important. It's not a matter of who he loves more. It's a matter of a courtesy that I would extend to most strangers. Let alone to people with whom, as distasteful and painful as it may be to her, that she needs to get along with for years in the best interest of her son.

I'm sure my naiveity about what I was getting into is going to become more and more apparent as time goes by, but I have been surprised by many of the responses. This is obviously a very sensitive issue that many people are viewing through thier own experience of divorce, parenthood, stepparenthood, etc.

I was not trying to hurt you by my response but I was only trying to prepare you for possible future behavior from both the mother and dss.

My opinion is based on observations over years of being a therapist specialing in family counseling. It is rarely easy for children who are caught in the middle of two families and the feelings of the child should ALWAYS come before the wants of adults.

 

[SereneOne]

OH good gawd, what a crock! A boy does not always love his bio mom more than anyone else. My DH always loved his Dad more and my two bonus sons love their biodad more than anyone. There are plenty more!

OP, as someone who has been in a stepfamily situation for many years, my advice is to control the things you can and let go of the things you cannot. There will be many incidences like this through out the years and it will just make you bitter if you can't let it go. I would stick to the original plan and have it at the time when all the relatives can come and have it at your parent's house one last time before your mother moves. There will be many more occassions for him to share in through out the years even if his biomom does not let him attend this specific one. Your heart is in the right place and that is a good thing. Best wishes!

 

[bumbershoot]

Plus, we haven't even told him about the event

Wait, you haven't told HIM about the event? Back up. Your HUSBAND needs to talk to him about it, to let him know about the event, and open the door to finding out IF he wants to go.

I think in other cases, like if you want to take him on vacation, then it's possibly best to talk to his mom first, but in this case it's about his future half-sibling (a very weird relationship if ever there's a weird relationship, IMO, and I"m a person with two EX stepsisters and stepsibs who are also my step second cousins...talk about weird relationships~!), and he should be involved in this process.



Was I the only person who sensed a bit of sarcasm in Rock'n Robin's post?

I don't know... it's hard not to be selfish sometimes... I mean honestly, don't be offended please... but if I were his mother... you would not be my sons family... in my mind... Now that is me, she could think differently... but I am who I am... and my DD is my daughter... as a mom (and you will learn this soon) it is difficult to imagine another woman in your childs life and the cosmos forbid they ever tried to discipline her... it would be a bad day

That's awfully sad. I can remember weekends at my dad and stepmom's house where I might have acted up a bit. Now my stepmom is almost too easy going, but if she weren't that relaxed and if my dad were at work at that time, it would have been absolutely appropriate for her to discipline me.

Though I do admire her restraint (though over the years (coming up on 30) we've grown apart due to some philosophies that differ between us), b/c I'm a HUGE fan of It's A Small World and my dad bought me the album. I listened to it over and over and over for a weekend, just groovin' to the music (seriously), and amazingly, she did NOT kill me. I think she mentioned it when I was around 28, how close I came to throttling, LOL, and we had a big laugh over it (and I apologized, but I still do love that music).

Honestly, it is not her job to plan 4 months ahead to make things easier for her EX husbands new wife.

You know, I read the OP a few times, and in that first post I didn't totally get the impression that it was the OP in contact with the mom. I came away just not knowing who is talking to the mom, so I didn't want to make the assumption.

If the OP is the one talking, IMO, stop. Let hubby work it out.

But as for making it easier for her ex's new wife...even though they haven't told the boy, it's about him and his new half sib (sorry, I just can't refer to a baby by sex until after baby is born, just doesn't sit well with me, which is why I'm saying "sib" and "sibling"), in a way.


But ultimately, it just might not be a big deal to him.


Kids vary so drastically, and so do parents. My dad and stepmom took forEVER to tell us that they were expecting M1 (they had two boys, both M names like mine, 2 years apart). Then it took at least a month if not more to meet him, and I am fairly sure it was 2 months before we met M2. And we only lived half an hour away from them!

It was 3 months when I met C, my half-sister who is 25 years younger than me (I'm 13 and 15 years older than the boys) (but that was mainly b/c I was in chiropractic school and very poor, and had to find the money to get there), and my brother had already divorced them by that time and only saw C at my wedding, but didn't introduce himself to her (she was my junior b'maid, so you can see how different two people can feel about half-sibs) b/c he simply has no interest in them.

My dad and stepmom tend to not think I want to be a part of things, and so I don't get invited to graduations or parties or anything; I have to invite myself. So you can also see that *parents* are different too.


To the person who said they would be difficult...one of the things I loved most dearly about my mother is that she never once was difficult with my father, even though he was (is) VERY difficult. He was late to pick us up most of the time, he wouldn't show at all some of the time, and she would help us mend our broken hearts without ever saying anything against him, though I think she did let us know that it's just who he was, and not anything about US.

I'm sure the OP's husband isn't like my dad, but in our case, we figured out who our dad was over the years, and that was far more valuable than any rantings or difficulty my mom might have said or created.

Of course, I don't know how I would have the restraint, but I hope I would, b/c it was such a graceful way to be.

And *like* the OP, my stepmom had nothing to do with the breakup of my parents' marriage...she was like 18 at the time of the divorce, LOL (10 years younger than my mom). Other women helped to break it up, but my mom was always civil with them too, and we actually spent visitation weekends at the main woman's house...don't know how my mom did it, but she did, and thanks to those visits my brother and I can whistle without looking like we're whistling (the woman's son a bit older than me taught us), LOL.



OP, I think it's time to include your stepson in this event. I'd have your husband schedule a time to talk to his son and son's mom together (without you please), to hash it out.

 

[bumbershoot]

just as a heads up.

please as time goes on, while you take great care in considering your step son's feelings-consider how making accommodations to family events in regards to his/his mom's wants/desires/plans may impact your own child.

i don't mean to be insensitive to the issues step children have, but i know far too many children who were the children of the 'intact family' who saw their parents make every decision about special events based on taking such great care to include the step sibling that it seemed that their needs always took second place. holidays and special occasions were always planned around the step child's schedual such that it seemed that the entire event was orchestrated for that child vs the entire family. it gets even more painful when it can become apparant to the intact child that while great pains have been made to schedual the 'one' special holiday event or celebration around their step sibling-it is infact the second or (in the event of their other parent marrying) the third celebration that child has had such that it does'nt carry the degree of importance or specialness to them that they hold.

Hmm. At first I thought that made sense, but I'm not sure.

I'm basically the oldest of 5, and in a family with several children, if they all live together, schedules are mixed up, things get changed, sometimes there are conflicts, and it's all worked through. So why should a family that doesn't live together be different?

If there's a celebration going on for my second half-brother, and everyone wants me there but if I can't make it out for that time, what's so bad about scheduling it a bit later, so it can be more of a family thing? It would happen if one of the 3 full-sibs were off somewhere and there was something going on. When M1 was in college, if C had a b'day but M1 had an exam, they'd either hold two celebrations or wait for M1 (in their case, they were all born in the same week as each other, so that was pretty simple, LOL, and NO I didn't like my father saying "me and your stepmom have to find a new way to celebrate NYE" after C was born, ewwwwww).


But I will admit that parents can take it too far. My dad is a case in point about my full brother. My brother doesn't speak to them anymore, and hasn't for many years. My dad hasn't been allowed to speak to my brother since my brother was in college (bro is 36). Therefore, my dad has raised my brother to the status of a demi-god in their house. When I would visit when I was in my 20s, they would act really weird if conversation got around to my brother, b/c my brother was being held up to them as a statue of virtue (which actually he IS...even as a kid, his friends' parents would invite him over to show their children better ways to behave, or how to study, or play tennis, etc, my brother is perfect and it's really annoying).

I've been put on a pedestal as well, though a bit lower, and that's annoying too, especially b/c when dad and I are alone, he questions my choices and picks on me in the same way he does to the 3 youngest...but I'm almost 40 and can tell him to shut it without negative ramifications (sis is 13 so of course is at home, but the boys are 25 and 23 and still living at home). But they don't see the picking, and think I too am a paragon of virtue.

Wish he wouldn't do that.

But other than that extreme example (and I'm sure there are others and it's probably THOSE you're referring to, Barkley), simple needs to schedule things when more of the family is going to be around isn't a BAD thing, and it's something that would take place inside "intact"* families as well.



*(by the way, that word rankles me, b/c in our situation, our "broken" home was far more stable than what my dad and stepmom have created for their kids...their family should have become non-intact loooooong ago...)

 

[barkley]

Hmm. At first I thought that made sense, but I'm not sure.

I'm basically the oldest of 5, and in a family with several children, if they all live together, schedules are mixed up, things get changed, sometimes there are conflicts, and it's all worked through. So why should a family that doesn't live together be different?

If there's a celebration going on for my second half-brother, and everyone wants me there but if I can't make it out for that time, what's so bad about scheduling it a bit later, so it can be more of a family thing? It would happen if one of the 3 full-sibs were off somewhere and there was something going on. When M1 was in college, if C had a b'day but M1 had an exam, they'd either hold two celebrations or wait for M1 (in their case, they were all born in the same week as each other, so that was pretty simple, LOL, and NO I didn't like my father saying "me and your stepmom have to find a new way to celebrate NYE" after C was born, ewwwwww).


But I will admit that parents can take it too far. My dad is a case in point about my full brother. My brother doesn't speak to them anymore, and hasn't for many years. My dad hasn't been allowed to speak to my brother since my brother was in college (bro is 36). Therefore, my dad has raised my brother to the status of a demi-god in their house. When I would visit when I was in my 20s, they would act really weird if conversation got around to my brother, b/c my brother was being held up to them as a statue of virtue (which actually he IS...even as a kid, his friends' parents would invite him over to show their children better ways to behave, or how to study, or play tennis, etc, my brother is perfect and it's really annoying).

I've been put on a pedestal as well, though a bit lower, and that's annoying too, especially b/c when dad and I are alone, he questions my choices and picks on me in the same way he does to the 3 youngest...but I'm almost 40 and can tell him to shut it without negative ramifications (sis is 13 so of course is at home, but the boys are 25 and 23 and still living at home). But they don't see the picking, and think I too am a paragon of virtue.

Wish he wouldn't do that.

But other than that extreme example (and I'm sure there are others and it's probably THOSE you're referring to, Barkley), simple needs to schedule things when more of the family is going to be around isn't a BAD thing, and it's something that would take place inside "intact"* families as well.



*(by the way, that word rankles me, b/c in our situation, our "broken" home was far more stable than what my dad and stepmom have created for their kids...their family should have become non-intact loooooong ago...)

'intact' comes from my years in social work-it refers to a household where both bio or adoptive parents and their mutual bio or adoptive children reside. don't mean anything offensive by it.

i guess the point i am trying to make is based on what i've seen and what's been said to me by kids (now adults) who have been in the situation of having step or half siblings that don't live full time with them. they often felt like their 'households' (for lack of a better word) plans always had to revolve around the schedual of their step/half sib's. that while they always had to operate under working around another person's schedual to include them (whom they wanted to include because they genuinly cared for their step/half sibs) it was a very unfair and one sided situation. i think they saw it as one sided because while they were expected to plan their say birthday celebrations so the sib could attend (and often not celebrate it on the actual day)-they did'nt see that same courtesy extended to them, and in fact knew their step/half sib to be having multiple celebrations (can be confusing to a young child when they are told that they have to schedual their birthday party so step/half can be included on their visitation day yet they know for a fact that the other child has had a birthday celebration not only in their household but also one in their other parent's household-one that there is no effort to even include them in let alone accommodate their attendance).

i dunno-i just think of a dear friend who talks of her childhood holidays, birthdays and other special events and speaks of how while she understood and enjoyed them when they were held-and enjoyed her half sib being able to attend, it did cause some pangs of pain and jealosy when those gatherings were held not on the actual days (to accommodate the visitation arrangement) because she knew for a fact that her half sib WAS celebrating on those actual holidays, those actual special event days-just somewhere else. she felt as though she was denied the opportunity to celebrate or have family gatherings on any basis other than facilitating the event for her half sib's benefit.

 

[polineedyan]

So frustrated right now. I have a 9 year old step-son whose mom is just difficult. Very difficult to communicate with. (Email only, won't talk to us on phone, takes weeks to answer questions, etc). I'm expecting my first child at the end of September, and we are trying to plan the baby naming. This is a Jewish ceremony most closely related to a Christening, but not quite as religious.

My father passed away about 2 years ago, and the hospital where he worked is having a large memorial service (opening a building in his name) on a weekend in December. I'd really like to have the naming on the same weekend so that out of town relatives can be there. If it's much earlier, we run into Thanksgiving or the babies first month when I'd rather not do a big social event (due to exposing baby to so many people). If it's much later we run into Christmas holidays. After that, my mom is moving and we were planning to have the event at her house. (It's much larger than ours) If it's at all close to the other event, many relatives of mine who are flying in won't be able to plan a second trip.

The catch? We don't have my stepson that weekend. We asked his mom if we could have him a few hours that weekend (any few hours, either Saturday or Sunday for a day in exchange of her choice) We had to ask three times to get a reply. (Over a period of two weeks) Do they have anything planned? No. She just doesn't 'feel comfortable' making plans that far in advance.

I realize that the remarriage and new child must be a huge stress for her. But what is she thinking just making things difficult for me when I'm going to be in her son's life? Wouldn't she appreciate flexibility from us in the future? There's no question about scheduling the naming when the fourth most important person involved (after baby and the father and I) can't be there. But I'm going to be very sad when a lot of my extended family cannot come.

Unfortunately, Ive run into these types of issues. The best advice I can give you is this: There are going to be times that you just dont get what you want. Getting upset over it isnt going to help. The whys and wherefores will drive you mad. Why doesnt matter. It may be that shes doing it out of spite, it may not be. I would let the ex's handle it. I am concerned about when you say 'im going to be in her son's life'..of course you are..on your days, not hers. and 'wouldnt she appreciate flexibility from us?'..do you suppose you'll be less flexible as a result of this episode? I would hope not..lead by example.
If your step son is the fourth most important person, then sobeit. The other 'less important' people may have to bite the bullet and miss out so that he can attend (by rescheduling..) My best advice to you is to let the ex's work these things out. Express how you feel, and let them handle it. Step parents trying to deal with bio parents is a sticky area.

 

[MossMan]

Unfortunately, Ive run into these types of issues. The best advice I can give you is this: There are going to be times that you just dont get what you want. Getting upset over it isnt going to help. The whys and wherefores will drive you mad. Why doesnt matter. It may be that shes doing it out of spite, it may not be. I would let the ex's handle it. I am concerned about when you say 'im going to be in her son's life'..of course you are..on your days, not hers. and 'wouldnt she appreciate flexibility from us?'..do you suppose you'll be less flexible as a result of this episode? I would hope not..lead by example.

Well said.

The reasons behind the actions are irrelevant. The only relevant thing is that you must deal with the actions themselves.

The people who have the most success in these situations are people who respectfully expect nothing from the other parent. Refuse to put yourself in situations where the other person can make life difficult for you.

It really is as simple as that.

 

[SereneOne]

Well said.

The reasons behind the actions are irrelevant. The only relevant thing is that this is something you must deal with the actions themselves.

The people who have the most success in these situations are people who respectfully expect nothing from the other parent. Refuse to put yourself in situations where the other person can make life difficult for you.

It really is as simple as that.

Bravo!

Anyone have a copy of the Serenity Prayer? Very apropo.

 

[shortbun]

I say either plan it on a weekend when you have him or plan that he not attend. Perhaps you can plan a special even for just the four of you. I read all your reasoning for when it's happening and I understand. I say you are going to have to make a choice over having an immediate family member there or having the party where you want it.