Stepparenting Vent

[jenrose66]

I'm a child of divorce and very sensitive to the subject. Now I don't know your situation and I haven't read the replies...but I think the ex wife's behavior may be justified.

For example, did her now ex husband have an extra marital affair. My dad had an affair and personally if my husband ever had an affair you better believe I would be as difficult as possible. My mom had always bent over backwards to accomodate my dad after the divorce and I was always bitter about that, I even had to attend the wedding of him and his mistress, I was 6 and it still made me sick to my stomach.

Even if an affair wasn't involved there are many hurt feelings when a marriage is disolved. There is a custody arrangement in place, if the weekend you want to have the party isn't your weekend, then you have to come to terms with the fact that step son might not be there.

Is is childish of ex wife to behave like this? Well possibly, but it's also her right.

 

[barkley]

No offense taken at all. I'm sure she doesn't think of "me" as her son's family. But that doesn't mean that I'm not going to try to treat him as though he were. She did want full custody way back when. And my husband fought really hard for shared custody. And I know it was an ugly fight and that my husband hasn't been an angel either over all these years. I've been trying very hard over the past year to motivate him to treat her as we want to be treated. (Reimbursements going back to her quickly, schedule changes always accomodated unless we have a very good reason not to)

I'm a bit suprised that so many people say to just schedule the thing and not worry about whether he can make it. I can't imagine any good coming from planning an event like this (50 out of town family members, big meal, etc.) and having it when he couldn't attend. I've never done this stepfamily thing before either, but it just feels wrong!

just as a heads up.

please as time goes on, while you take great care in considering your step son's feelings-consider how making accommodations to family events in regards to his/his mom's wants/desires/plans may impact your own child.

i don't mean to be insensitive to the issues step children have, but i know far too many children who were the children of the 'intact family' who saw their parents make every decision about special events based on taking such great care to include the step sibling that it seemed that their needs always took second place. holidays and special occasions were always planned around the step child's schedual such that it seemed that the entire event was orchestrated for that child vs the entire family. it gets even more painful when it can become apparant to the intact child that while great pains have been made to schedual the 'one' special holiday event or celebration around their step sibling-it is infact the second or (in the event of their other parent marrying) the third celebration that child has had such that it does'nt carry the degree of importance or specialness to them that they hold.

 

[Goobergal99]

I'm a child of divorce and very sensitive to the subject. Now I don't know your situation and I haven't read the replies...but I think the ex wife's behavior may be justified.

For example, did her now ex husband have an extra marital affair. My dad had an affair and personally if my husband ever had an affair you better believe I would be as difficult as possible. My mom had always bent over backwards to accomodate my dad after the divorce and I was always bitter about that, I even had to attend the wedding of him and his mistress, I was 6 and it still made me sick to my stomach.

Even if an affair wasn't involved there are many hurt feelings when a marriage is disolved. There is a custody arrangement in place, if the weekend you want to have the party isn't your weekend, then you have to come to terms with the fact that step son might not be there.

my DH was the child of divorced parents too... his mom had the affair and his dad reacted pretty badly to it.... Now I am not particularly fond of my FIL... and ironically I really do like my MIL... but my DH was the oldest and he really has alot of animosity toward his mother for breaking up the family.. He knows that his dad is controlling and that probably had alot to do with her reasoning, but in his eyes, she walked out on him and his bros and sis's well that is what made it so hard.... Had she left under different circumstances maybe it would have been different

 

[lillygator]

I'm a child of divorce and very sensitive to the subject. Now I don't know your situation and I haven't read the replies...but I think the ex wife's behavior may be justified.

For example, did her now ex husband have an extra marital affair. My dad had an affair and personally if my husband ever had an affair you better believe I would be as difficult as possible. My mom had always bent over backwards to accomodate my dad after the divorce and I was always bitter about that, I even had to attend the wedding of him and his mistress, I was 6 and it still made me sick to my stomach.

Even if an affair wasn't involved there are many hurt feelings when a marriage is disolved. There is a custody arrangement in place, if the weekend you want to have the party isn't your weekend, then you have to come to terms with the fact that step son might not be there.

Is is childish of ex wife to behave like this? Well possibly, but it's also her right.

my mom acted this way....always being difficult to her ex over issues with my sister (half sister, was mom's second husband)....to me, it lowered her to his level in a sense. Be a bigger person and rise above it.

how often is dss with you guys?

 

[RachelEllen]

I'm a child of divorce and very sensitive to the subject. Now I don't know your situation and I haven't read the replies...but I think the ex wife's behavior may be justified.

For example, did her now ex husband have an extra marital affair. My dad had an affair and personally if my husband ever had an affair you better believe I would be as difficult as possible. My mom had always bent over backwards to accomodate my dad after the divorce and I was always bitter about that, I even had to attend the wedding of him and his mistress, I was 6 and it still made me sick to my stomach.

Is is childish of ex wife to behave like this? Well possibly, but it's also her right.

No affair/abuse or any other outrageousness on either side. Separation was 8 years ago. Divorce was 7 years ago. I've been in the picture less than 2 years.

It was ugly, as I've mentioned, because she wanted to full custody and to leave the country. (She's from South America) Dh said it was by far the most difficult thing he's gone through as he spend a year fighting against the possibility he could never see his son again.

I know it's her right to act this way. I just don't see it as either right or practical. I haven't been at this for that long. But at this point, ss will be going to her company picnic (on our time), has spent extra mornings with his grandmother visiting from South America (on our time) She's asked me point blank if I would raise any objections to where they decide he goes to middle school (due to commuting times and costs of the better schools), and I told her I didn't feel it was my place to decide where ss goes to school, but that I would support whatever they chose. I'm not trying to act a martyr. I'm just saying, in reality, she has to count on me too. Why not try to be cooperative? (Really, a moot question at this point. But hey, it's a vent post!)

 

[RachelEllen]

how often is dss with you guys?

Every other week. Strict 50% of the time.

 

[MichelleVW]

I'm a bit suprised that so many people say to just schedule the thing and not worry about whether he can make it. I can't imagine any good coming from planning an event like this (50 out of town family members, big meal, etc.) and having it when he couldn't attend. I've never done this stepfamily thing before either, but it just feels wrong!

.

As a divorced mother we have to do this in my family all the time. The girls will miss celebrations on his side of the family and they have have missed some on my side of the family. You TRY to plan them when they are with you, but honestly it's just not a deal breaker.

I've been divorced for 8 years and re married for 4 and there have been a few parties that they have missed along the way and the girls are fine with it.

Control what you can, and deal with the rest.

 

[bsnyder]

No affair/abuse or any other outrageousness on either side. Separation was 8 years ago. Divorce was 7 years ago. I've been in the picture less than 2 years.

It was ugly, as I've mentioned, because she wanted to full custody and to leave the country. (She's from South America) Dh said it was by far the most difficult thing he's gone through as he spend a year fighting against the possibility he could never see his son again.

I know it's her right to act this way. I just don't see it as either right or practical. I haven't been at this for that long. But at this point, ss will be going to her company picnic (on our time), has spent extra mornings with his grandmother visiting from South America (on our time) She's asked me point blank if I would raise any objections to where they decide he goes to middle school (due to commuting times and costs of the better schools), and I told her I didn't feel it was my place to decide where ss goes to school, but that I would support whatever they chose. I'm not trying to act a martyr. I'm just saying, in reality, she has to count on me too. Why not try to be cooperative? (Really, a moot question at this point. But hey, it's a vent post!)

Has she actually been difficult on any issues? I don't mean the "taking her time" stuff. I mean, in the end, does she end up choosing to make life more difficult than it has to be?

 

[tasha99]

Kudos for scheduling this when he can be there. I have 4 younger half-sisters, and I am so glad my parents always remembered to include my younger brother and me. My step mom isn't my "mom,", but she's always been there for me. I'm sorry to see so many people who think blended families don't work. I think the reason ours worked was because my stepmom, like you, was prepared to love me as much as if I were her own from day one.

 

[mom2grace]

It sounds to me like you need to schedule it on your weekend to have SS. Then it's over with. Your family who can come will, and the ceremony will be special and meaningful to you. It's important to focus on what you HAVE, not what's missing.

And, maybe be less "flexible" in the future, it obviously isn't winning you any points.

 

[java]

Part of being a step parent. I am a child of divorce. I can imagine that your last paragraph about how difficult this is for the mom is really what this is all about to her.

Is that right? no. But is it understandable? yeah kind of. I was with a friend going through a divorce right now. and her kids are going on their first vacation with her soon to be ex and his girlfriend. She described it to me as having your heart ripped out and run over by a steam roller. We are going to go out the night they leave. To try to keep her mind off it. It is easy to say Suck it up. and do what's best for the kids. But not everyone is that civil.

I would plan the naming ceremony and express how much you would love your step son to be able to attend. and leave it at that. Give her the date.

I think it is wonderful that you are holding your step son in such tight regard. But know (coming from a child of divorce with steps) the birth of the steps is not always an easy thing. You do feel like you are being replaced. And unfortunately resentment happens. This is a joyful time for you and your husband- but don't assume it is as joyful for your step son. (especially if he has a beligerent mother)
My dad and his second wife are now divorced. I don't hear from her anymore and my step brother doesn't want to talk to us. *I've tried 3 times and decided to give him his space. They walked out of our lives after 18 years. And you know what- that's because they can. Really who am I to them? I guess nobody.

But congratulations on your soon to be baby! And best of luck to your new family.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

I'd suggest you schedule it on the day you want to and invite your stepson. If he can't come, he can't. If that happens, I'd suggest scheduling a second, small party with your stepson and any family that can come and use it to celebrate the naming of the baby. Take lots of photos and have a good time.

I'm divorced, and while I had my kids with me most of the time, sometimes they'd be with their father on important days. It helped me to realize that the date doesn't matter as much as the celebration.

Teresa

 

[MichelleVW]

I'd suggest you schedule it on the day you want to and invite your stepson. If he can't come, he can't. If that happens, I'd suggest scheduling a second, small party with your stepson and any family that can come and use it to celebrate the naming of the baby. Take lots of photos and have a good time.

I'm divorced, and while I had my kids with me most of the time, sometimes they'd be with their father on important days. It helped me to realize that the date doesn't matter as much as the celebration.

Teresa

My thoughts exactly. I can't remember the last Christmas I have spent with my girls, but we just celebrate a week early and it's all good!!

 

[dispor]

Of course I think that the mom is being unreasonable to not allow ss to attend for a few hours (assuming there are no other important events on her side of the family - or school events, etc. that weekend). (But I have to admit that I hate committing to plans that far in advance, too!)

However, you need to decide how important it is to have these 50 out of town guests at the event.... I know this is blunt - but it sounds like these are people who were closer to your father than they are to you, if they are willing to come in for the hospital dedication, but not to your naming ceremony. (No disrespect to your dad - he must have been a wonderful person to have this honor!)

I don't understand why you are planning the ceremony around using your Mom's house. You are an adult with your own family. I don't understand why you would want the event at someone else's house. (Will the size of the house really matter if these 50 relatives don't attend?) What would you have done if your Mom had already moved?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I know you want to include him but it may not happen. Accept that and plan your event, invite him and leave it at that.
Quit trying to make an imperfect situation perfect or you will go crazy.

Or change the date.

 

[RachelEllen]

However, you need to decide how important it is to have these 50 out of town guests at the event.... I know this is blunt - but it sounds like these are people who were closer to your father than they are to you, if they are willing to come in for the hospital dedication, but not to your naming ceremony. (No disrespect to your dad - he must have been a wonderful person to have this honor!)

I don't understand why you are planning the ceremony around using your Mom's house. You are an adult with your own family. I don't understand why you would want the event at someone else's house. (Will the size of the house really matter if these 50 relatives don't attend?) What would you have done if your Mom had already moved?

The event for my father was scheduled over 6 months ago, and most of the relatives already have plane tickets. It's purely a matter of people having difficulty (both practically and financially) to two out of town events so close together. As far as the house, my mom has a beautiful, large house that I grew up and she and my dad shared for many years. It would be nice to have one last family event there before she moves. (She is downsizing since my father passed away) Both of my neice's namings have been held there. We do not have the space to host this sort of thing here and would have to rent a facility.

Not the largest consideration by far. We aren't even mentioning that to ss's mom (just the family coming into town for dad's memorial event.) It's just part of the big picture as to why I'm frustrated to pick another date.

 

[Katlyn]

I get that. But I wouldn't feel right scheduling the ceremony when my ss can't be there. So she's basically making me choose between having my daughter's brother there, or, much of the rest of my extended family. I'll try not to stress over it, but on just a human level, I really don't get it!

I would have it as planned. Did you ever think she might make excuses for any weekend you plan, whether it's your scheduled time or not?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The event for my father was scheduled over 6 months ago, and most of the relatives already have plane tickets. It's purely a matter of people having difficulty (both practically and financially) to two out of town events so close together. As far as the house, my mom has a beautiful, large house that I grew up and she and my dad shared for many years. It would be nice to have one last family event there before she moves. (She is downsizing since my father passed away) Both of my neice's namings have been held there. We do not have the space to host this sort of thing here and would have to rent a facility.

Not the largest consideration by far. We aren't even mentioning that to ss's mom (just the family coming into town for dad's memorial event.) It's just part of the big picture as to why I'm frustrated to pick another date.

Sounds like you made your decision. Now she will make hers and you have to live with your decision.
Complaining about it makes the situation worse.

 

[lillygator]

I too would have it as planned.

 

[RachelEllen]

Part of being a step parent. I am a child of divorce. I can imagine that your last paragraph about how difficult this is for the mom is really what this is all about to her.

Is that right? no. But is it understandable? yeah kind of. I was with a friend going through a divorce right now. and her kids are going on their first vacation with her soon to be ex and his girlfriend. She described it to me as having your heart ripped out and run over by a steam roller. We are going to go out the night they leave. To try to keep her mind off it. It is easy to say Suck it up. and do what's best for the kids. But not everyone is that civil.

I can't even imagine. It's funny, in a way. I'm divorced as well. I am so thankful that I did not have children with my first husband, as I am able to separate all ties with him and do not have to go through this. My husband, on the other hand, is so thankful that he did have a son, as it was the one good thing to come out of the marriage and he can't imagine life without his boy.