Step-parents, are you allowed a say? LONG

[Kay7979]

My question for those of you who are live-in step parents, are you allowed by the "natural" mother or father to discipline your step-children?

Here's the reason I'm asking. DH's ex is remarried and the new husband and she have never gotten along very well. In the beginning, I am sure there is an adjustment process, where the step-parent takes a back seat in parenting, and lets the kids get used to the new influence in their lives. In this case the kids never really warmed up to their new dad, and mom doesn't treat him very well, either, so they were never taught to respect him.

Now the kids are all in their teens, and are not disciplined by their mom. The bulk of the fights between Dh's ex and her current husband is over the kids. She does not allow him to discipline the kids AT ALL. She believes she is the only one allowed a say in their upbringing. I feel this is wrong. If I were in his position I would expect some imput. He bites his tongue as much as possible, but eventually explodes and shouts and swears at the kids when he can't take it any more, because he is so upset about the way they all allowed to behave. He says he has found boys in the girls' bedrooms, laying on top of them (maybe clothed, but still!!!) and that they were in a tent in the back yard playing around. Mom denighs all this and says he is making it up, but I am afraid I have to believe him to some degree. Mom is a nice person but has zero tolerance for stress, so by nature she will let the kids to what they want rather than fight with them.

So, sorry this is so long, but I wanted you to see the situation in general, then I would be interested to hear opinions on whether other step-parents take an active role in parenting their step-children.

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

My dd's father and I are divorced and he has since remarried. DD's stepmother does take an active role in her upbringing. In fact, I think she takes care of dd better than my ex-husband does!

 

[Bbgrizzle]

MY DD12 is my stepdaughter. I've been her mom since she was 2, and I married her dad. When DH and I were dating, her real mom was calling the house all the time. She lived in a different state, so I thought she was still involved in DSD's life. Turned out that she was only calling because she heard DH was dating someone else (me) and once we got married she stopped calling altogether. DSD's real mom has NO relationship with her. Not even birthday or Christmas cards. I've never even seen the woman in the 10 years we have been married. At first I really resented that; I thought it sucked that she just dumped her child off so she could be free. I didn't think I should have to be a full-blown mother to someone else's child. But now I realize how lucky I am that I don't have to worry about any of those ordeals with the ex. I've never even met the woman! Now I genuinely do feel like my SD is my real daughter. She is a great blessing in my life.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Sounds like a serious marriage problem. The parents run amuck and no support, so kids take advantage. No different than any other home.

We decide things behind closed doors and then present a united front. It can appear that the natural parent is making all the decisions when in fact it may not be the case. Hence, I say this is a marriage problem.
I am not a step parent but am the parent of a teen...it can get hairy!!!

 

[Disney Doll]

My paternal grandmother was widowed at a very young age, in an era (the 1930's/40's) when it wasn't the norm for women to be "alone"...the goal was to find a man.

I always remember my father saying that his mother always said that she would never remarry while my father was still her repsonsibility, because she didn't want all the aggravation that would be inherent in that situation. And she didn't. As a matter-of-fact, she never remarried at all. Said she never found a man who could hold a candle to my grandfather.

My brother married a wonderful woman who had an 8 year old son. Thankfully my nephew's bio father was never in the picture, and his wife was very willing to let my brother be an active "parent".

You hear so many of these ex stories and how everyone is fighting and no one gets along and the kids are in the middle....makes me sad for the kids, who are children who have to deal with adult situations.

 

[monarchsfan16]

I'm a stepkid. I know different things work in different situations but I'm only telling what works in our "family".
My mom remarried when I was 13. Yeah, good timing... Anywho. At that point I (and my sister) was very adjusted to her way of parenting. My stepdad has a very different discipline style (he's a dictator vs my mom who's more a person of authority). He also had no experience with teenage girls at the time. We had the swearing matches, the screaming matches, etc. He threatened to kick me out of the house many times. Why? Because I was angry at the world, and a teenage girl. I am not and never have been a devil child. Never once did I require discipline in any way, shape or form at school or at any activity. But to ask my stepfather I was the monster. Same with my sister. He tried to discipline us, but it was so different from what we were used to that it caused even less respect, and more resentment. We're civil toward each other now, but nothing really more than that, as a result of how things started out.
What worked in my family was for him to back off. By the time he moved in my sister and I were both past the point of time outs and such, so it was less an issue of requiring immediate action if he were the only "parent" home. He'll still yell his head off if we screw up, but then he talks to mom and she doles out the punishment. Trust me, disappointing my mom is more than enough punishment for me; I love her more than anything and hate the idea that she's upset with me. Stepdad's ideas of discipline are more life altering (grounding, etc). I look at it this way; things in the house are a lot more civil, and we've never been in trouble in any way (outside the house), so the arrangement must be working.
If we were younger, it'd be easier for the two of them to share discipline, because we'd be less used to one method or the other. But as teenagers, we needed to stick with what had worked before

 

[kellyg403]

I have 2 stepdaughters that live in the house along with my dh and my children. Yes, I do have a say in the rules but discipline usually is handled by the parent. Rules are the same for all children and discipline is usually handled the same. Though I must say dh is much more firm with them. All infractions incurred when I am not home are handled by dh and visa versa no matter what child. If my dh says someone did something his word is good enough for me and I never ever accuse and even insinuate that what he is saying is not the truth ever. Children will play both sides of the middle to get their way, and once they learn that well...they use it most times. My ex and his wife also parent my children when they are there with them. Their rules may be different but my children also need to realize that the rules are different everywhere. My children's stepmom is a nice lady and they seem to enjoy her company but I do think their dad does all the disciplining as he did most of it in our marriage.

Bottom line, this is one of the hardest things to overcome in a second marriage with children involved. It was not easy the first few years we were together and then married. Although I am responsible for raising and making sure my children are successful adults, I am also responsible for making my marriage work and that involves alot of compromise. Sorry, but I think she is headed down the path of destruction. If stress bothers her she needs to let her dh take the stress away for her. If you and the father are o.k. with him handling some of the discipline she needs to let that happen. Just my 2 cents. This is a tough situation that everyone in the family needs to know exactly where they stand. Set the rules and set the limits and let those kids know what the consequences will be whether she sets them or not. It is her dh's home too and he has the right to have boundaries. I will also add that we do not allow either step parent to do any type of physical punishment. That type of punishment is only for the natural parent if they believe in it and use that has a means to reinforce what they say. But he is a big guy...6'2 and usually he just has to yell and that is enough to get their attention.

Compromise is the key, or divorce will end up being the answer.

Kelly

 

[Kay7979]

Compromise is the key, or divorce will end up being the answer.

Kelly

That is exactly it. And that is what is happening now. She is trying to throw her husband out of the house and he doesn't want to leave. He believes in committment and making the marriage work. Yesterday she says if he won't leave she'll find an apartment and move out. Good luck with three kids finding a suitable apartment in their little community where she can currently walk to work. And she only mkes a little over $8.00. They weren't even making ends meet with her and her husband together plus child support from us. Always behind on payments for something. It is very frustrating and sad.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

I am the step-mother to DD8 and I play a major role in raising her when she's here, because DH is sometimes on tour. She doesn't live with us full-time, but when she's here, I treat her as my daughter and she treats me as her mother.

My daughters on the other hand, have a VERY hands-off step-mother. She has actually said within earshot, that she would prefer that they weren't at her house; that they make her feel uncomfortable.

 

[Miss Jasmine]

My daughters on the other hand, have a VERY hands-off step-mother. She has actually said within earshot, that she would prefer that they weren't at her house; that they make her feel uncomfortable.

That is soooo sad. As a step-mom, that just tears my heart out. I wish DD and DS spent MORE time with us. I love having them around.