Step help

[Darcy03231]

We're a blended family. What we found worked best for us was for everyone to have their own space and their own things at our home. Each child has their own bedroom (yep, that meant a 5 bedroom home - we made sacrifices in other areas to make this happen). Anything we bought stayed at our house - clothes, toys, games, cars, etc. All of the children had a "home" with us, they didn't visit.

All of the kids were aware of the house rules and followed them. DH and I presented a united front for all of the kids. We also heard about stuff not being fair - guess what, it wasn't. We never bought into it. We didn't sit around on the weekends that DH's kids were off with their mom because his kids weren't there and vice versa (my children didn't see their dad much - then or now). We did do things with his children, both with and without mine when we had them. We also did family vacations with me, DH and all four kids. Because of the age differences we also did some split trips with DH and his kids going somewhere for a long weekend that was age appropriate for them and me and my two going somewhere else, that was age appropriate for my kids.

As the kids have grown up the kids have come to appreciate how we handled things. They couldn't see it when they were younger, but they do as adults (they are now 17, 19, 22 & 26 - when we got married they were 2, 4, 7, and 11).

 

[DisneyMomx7]

It sad because it sounds like you feel the step-kids are the interlopers, intruding in your home.

They should feel it's their home too. Tell you ds to put away anything he isn't willing to share. The step-kids don't need to have the "everything I have that you don't have" in their face.

Adequate child supports just sounds terrible. Your DH should talk to the teacher and make sure he knows about class trips or any extras that the mother isn't able to handle. If not it's going to set up resentment big time if one kids gets to go on the class trips and the other isn't able to.

 

[VAfamily1998]

It sad because it sounds like you feel the step-kids are the interlopers, intruding in your home.

They should feel it's their home too. Tell you ds to put away anything he isn't willing to share. The step-kids don't need to have the "everything I have that you don't have" in their face.

Adequate child supports just sounds terrible. Your DH should talk to the teacher and make sure he knows about class trips or any extras that the mother isn't able to handle. If not it's going to set up resentment big time if one kids gets to go on the class trips and the other isn't able to.

I totally agree.

 

[shortbun]

You and your husband need to get the rules straight between you and then sit down with the kids and give them the rules. I would suggest that your DH take his children places without your son and you. Or, you and your son should go someplace without them sometimes. I agree that your son should put his personal things away unless he's using them and his room should be off limits unless he is required to share it when they are in your custody. Get some games for those kids. It's their mom messing with you and their dad for spite; they should not suffer for it. Gamestops have reconditioned games and used games so it won't be horribly expensive-but, they should be told that once those are broken or lost-there will be no more purchases until birthdays or christmas. Make them feel wanted and loved. They are probably pretty uncomfortable and they are children-as is your son. Afford them the same respect you would want someone else to give your son. Your house, your rules. DH should speak to his ex about bringing toys/games with them. Basically, you are not the adult who should shoulder this responsibillity; your husband needs to step up and keep stepping up until things settle down.

 

[horseshowmom]

Terribly sad for the children and things like this (field trip) would build quick resentment to your son.

Your adequate comment - if the children are going without

Rules need to be in place but his kids were part of the deal when u married him and there must be a reason for the actions......

I have to respond to this. Someone very close to me was in a similar position. He paid adequate - court determined child support, and the mother spent in on herself. She always had new clothes and was always well manicured (keep in mind that she was generally sizing up her next conquest). The kids always looked like ragamuffins.

The problem wasn't that the child support wasn't adequate. It was how it was being spent.

You might say the dad should do something about it. He tried. Basically, as far as the court is concerned, as long as they have clothes on their back, are fed, and are in a reasonably safe environment (which is hard to prove otherwise), the court is satisfied.

This guy paid his child support but also took them to just about every haircut they ever had. He made sure they went to the dentist and doctor (she wouldn't even meet him halfway in the drive which was about a hour or more long each way - he had to go get them, carry them to the dentist or doctor, and then return them. He bought every winter coat they ever had. He had to keep clothes at his house for them because she either didn't send anything or sent things he wouldn't take them places in. He contacted the school to make sure his kids had the "extras" because otherwise they didn't.

I realize that many mothers do the best they can and that some fathers don't, but the opposite is also true.

I have a question - is not paying for the field trip thing always been going on or is it new?

They may not know since they only found out through her son this time.

Keep the important stuff put away until they learn to respect your son's property.

You and your husband need to go over the rules of the house and how you want his kids to behave while they are there. Then *he* needs to sit down with them and have a good long talk about those rules and the consequences. Then when you are having to discipline them, you can refer constantly to their father's rules. He needs to be around his kids the most when they are there - they are there to see him after all and spend time with him, not to spend time going through your son's belongings and tearing them up.

I agree. Dad is going to have to make this plain.

My advice for the field trip is to have your husband talk to the teacher and let them no that by no means does he want his child to miss out on school activities and to let him know about it and he will pay.

(As to the bedtime thing as a previous poster noted - if a parent knows their child's step-child is in the same classroom and they still don't pay for the field trip and doesn't send her kids over to dad's with clothes, chances are they don't have a set bedtime.)

I agree.


OP, I don't get the feeling that you feel like your stepchildren are intruding. You're just feeling frustrated with all the issues. As someone else said, this is the situation, and you are in an adjustment period. It's going to take some time for all of you to get used to each other. I agree with those who talked about a family meeting and coming to an understanding. Your son may have to put his things up while they are there for the time being. The other children need to understand very plainly that when they do play with things if they damage the items because they are purposely mistreating them (throwing, etc. not accidentally), there will be consequences (with the same consequences applying to everyone). Hopefully, with some set guidelines, that are enforced by your husband, things will get better.

 

[VAfamily1998]

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The problem wasn't that the child support wasn't adequate. It was how it was being spent.

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The thing about "adequate child support" is it isn't always enought to maintain the child's lifestyle that they had when the parents were together. I've looked at "child suport calculators" before just out of curiousity--and the amount of c/s my Dh would have to pay, if we were to get divorced, is WAY less than what we currently spend on our children now. I can only imagine how hurtful it would be to my kids, if at my house I was telling them "Sorry, I can't afford the $20 for you to go on the field trip with the rest of the class, because I need that $20 to buy milk and bread for the next 2 weeks"...then they go visit Dad and see his "new son" with his own lap top, talking about how much fun he had on the field trip, etc.

 

[Agri]

They may not know since they only found out through her son this time.

I'm sure they can easily ask the children or ask the teacher (or both!). My point was whether the mother is intentionally making the kid miss out to cause issues or if even before the relationship she didn't care if her child went on field trips or not.

 

[horseshowmom]

The thing about "adequate child support" is it isn't always enought to maintain the child's lifestyle that they had when the parents were together. I've looked at "child suport calculators" before just out of curiousity--and the amount of c/s my Dh would have to pay, if we were to get divorced, is WAY less than what we currently spend on our children now. I can only imagine how hurtful it would be to my kids, if at my house I was telling them "Sorry, I can't afford the $20 for you to go on the field trip with the rest of the class, because I need that $20 to buy milk and bread for the next 2 weeks"...then they go visit Dad and see his "new son" with his own lap top, talking about how much fun he had on the field trip, etc.

In the situation that I described, that wasn't the issue. She may have been saying, "Sorry, no money for the field trip because I just had my hair done, and I need the money for my partying this weekend."

While many (hopefully, most) divorced mothers have their best interests at heart, not all of them do. Some are far from the self-sacrificing parent we like to picture.

As far as what the "new son" has, it is what it is. Should he pretend he doesn't have his laptop (remember he had this before this marriage even took place) just because of his change in circumstances. The OP said that these children have things at their mother's house. She just won't let them bring them with them. Obviously, it would be much simpler if they could bring their things with them, but mom isn't having any of that.

 

[Mermaid02]

The thing about "adequate child support" is it isn't always enought to maintain the child's lifestyle that they had when the parents were together. I've looked at "child suport calculators" before just out of curiousity--and the amount of c/s my Dh would have to pay, if we were to get divorced, is WAY less than what we currently spend on our children now. I can only imagine how hurtful it would be to my kids, if at my house I was telling them "Sorry, I can't afford the $20 for you to go on the field trip with the rest of the class, because I need that $20 to buy milk and bread for the next 2 weeks"...then they go visit Dad and see his "new son" with his own lap top, talking about how much fun he had on the field trip, etc.

That's why the divorced parents need to grow up and communicate. A simple phone call, "Hey Bill, how are you? Dylan has a field trip this week and I just can't swing the $20 for him to go- do you think you could pay for this one?"

 

[horseshowmom]

I'm sure they can easily ask the children or ask the teacher (or both!). My point was whether the mother is intentionally making the kid miss out to cause issues or if even before the relationship she didn't care if her child went on field trips or not.

Right, and that was what I said. Contact the school.

 

[Mermaid02]

In the situation that I described, that wasn't the issue. She may have been saying, "Sorry, no money for the field trip because I just had my hair done, and I need the money for my partying this weekend."

While many (hopefully, most) divorce mothers have their best interests at heart, not all of them do. Some are far from the self-sacrificing parent we like to picture.

As far as what the "new son" has, it is what it is. Should he pretend he doesn't have his laptop (remember he had this before this marriage even took place) just because of his change in circumstances. The OP said that these children have things at their mother's house. She just won't let them bring them with them. Obviously, it would be much simpler if they could bring their things with them, but mom isn't having any of that.

And that's just plain mean of her if it's true.

 

[VAfamily1998]

That's why the divorced parents need to grow up and communicate. A simple phone call, "Hey Bill, how are you? Dylan has a field trip this week and I just can't swing the $20 for him to go- do you think you could pay for this one?"

I agree, ideally that's how it should work.

Some of the attitudes I have seen on this thread though, give me the impression that a lot of step moms would have a FIT if their Dh gave anything beyond court-ordered CS and the kids "just have to deal with it".

 

[Darcy03231]

And that's just plain mean of her if it's true.

It happens. We had the same situation with DH's ex. He paid child support and she spent it on herself. We bought extra clothes for the kids and she'd keep the stuff we bought and send them back in what I would term "play clothes". They weren't allowed to bring anything from her house to ours. We finally had to put our foot down and do the same thing. Every week I washed the clothes she sent them in and that's what they went home in. They had clothes, games, etc. at house as DH and I didn't want them going back and forth with suitcases. Our home was their home too. We made sure they had lunch money in their accounts at school as well as made sure field trips were paid for. We also paid for the extracurricular activities the kids wanted to do. We didn't make an issue of it, we just did it.

 

[bellebud]

First, a big to the OP.

as another pp asked, I'm curious too as to the bedroom set up when the boys come over. What about play-space? Is there a playroom in your home, or are things in your ds's bedroom/livingroom? Whose house was this? Did your dh move in w/ you and your ds? Did you and dh buy this house together recently and it's new to everyone?

Over time, hopefully the 3 'visitors' will feel this is a 2nd home to them, not a home they visit. It must be very hard for them to see their dad living w/ another child full time, especially a boy. It also must kill your dh inside, especially w/ his boys ages right now, only seeing them every other weekend. I really feel for all of you.

There are a lot of little things you and your dh can do immediately to help everyone feel you're one family (or on the 'same team'... however you guys want to put it).

A family meeting is a great idea to start. The 3 boys need space of their own at your house, and maybe not all grouped together either (like this is the visitor's space that the 3 share - because that will separate them from your ds physically, emotionally, etc).

For the time being, I would put away ds's laptop when they come over. It doesn't have to be for long, but allow some adjustments to take place first.

Your dh is the reason they're there in the first place - he really needs to spend some alone time with them right now I think. Does he go pick them up? He can spend a few hours right away w/ just them, then onto your house for the rest of the weekend. Let them get some dad time before having to deal w/ your house, new step-mom, new step-brother, new rules, etc.

Can your dh also, once in a while, pick them up in the middle of the week just for dinner out? (don't know how far away you all live). Again, giving them their dad all alone a little bit.

During the family meeting, maybe explain to everyone (including your ds), that you're an expanded family now, so we need some new rules we can all agree on. Make up a chart w/ everyone's name on it. Make simple, fair rules by everyone's name (like putting away any dvd used, cleaning up together before bedtime every night, shoes and coats put in proper places... whatever things might apply to your home.) Ask them all for their ideas too.

And make sure there is room for 3 more boys 'stuff' in your house (shoes, coats, backpacks, etc)... you want them to walk in the door and feel they have an immediate place for their own stuff, whether it's all together in the coat closet or mud room, or you get 4 little shoe cubbies and put each boys name on one. If space is an issue, get little basins you can just stack when the boys aren't there, but put out when they're coming over. Them seeing their own names (right along w/ your ds's name) in a few places in your home will help them feel like it's their home too.

If it were me, I'd be saying to them at the meeting something like "boys... this is very new to me. I've now got 4 new males in my life - and boy I'm overwhelmed (saying it in a funny way!) I want us all to be happy here together - we all have to give each other ideas of things we need to do, to change, etc." By saying it something like this, you're not being "the disciplinarian", nor are you being a door mat to kids coming in, creating a hurricane, then leaving every other weekend. You're hopefully establishing mutual respect.

I'd make sure they have some clothes that always stay at your house. Adding 3 boys to your family isn't going to be cheap, but it is what it is. And yes, your dh pays child support that's supposed to go for this and that, and it might or might not be. That's always a sticky point in a divorced family.

I hope any of this helped even a little bit. Blended families are very difficult, but especially for all the children. Good luck!

 

[horseshowmom]

It happens. We had the same situation with DH's ex. He paid child support and she spent it on herself. We bought extra clothes for the kids and she'd keep the stuff we bought and send them back in what I would term "play clothes". They weren't allowed to bring anything from her house to ours. We finally had to put our foot down and do the same thing. Every week I washed the clothes she sent them in and that's what they went home in. They had clothes, games, etc. at house as DH and I didn't want them going back and forth with suitcases. Our home was their home too. We made sure they had lunch money in their accounts at school as well as made sure field trips were paid for. We also paid for the extracurricular activities the kids wanted to do. We didn't make an issue of it, we just did it.

That's what the person I knew did too. There was nothing he could do about the mother, so he made sure the kids were taken care of himself.

 

[horseshowmom]

Double post

 

[VAfamily1998]

First, a big to the OP.

as another pp asked, I'm curious too as to the bedroom set up when the boys come over. What about play-space? Is there a playroom in your home, or are things in your ds's bedroom/livingroom? Whose house was this? Did your dh move in w/ you and your ds? Did you and dh buy this house together recently and it's new to everyone?

Over time, hopefully the 3 'visitors' will feel this is a 2nd home to them, not a home they visit. It must be very hard for them to see their dad living w/ another child full time, especially a boy. It also must kill your dh inside, especially w/ his boys ages right now, only seeing them every other weekend. I really feel for all of you.

There are a lot of little things you and your dh can do immediately to help everyone feel you're one family (or on the 'same team'... however you guys want to put it).

A family meeting is a great idea to start. The 3 boys need space of their own at your house, and maybe not all grouped together either (like this is the visitor's space that the 3 share - because that will separate them from your ds physically, emotionally, etc).

For the time being, I would put away ds's laptop when they come over. It doesn't have to be for long, but allow some adjustments to take place first.

Your dh is the reason they're there in the first place - he really needs to spend some alone time with them right now I think. Does he go pick them up? He can spend a few hours right away w/ just them, then onto your house for the rest of the weekend. Let them get some dad time before having to deal w/ your house, new step-mom, new step-brother, new rules, etc.

Can your dh also, once in a while, pick them up in the middle of the week just for dinner out? (don't know how far away you all live). Again, giving them their dad all alone a little bit.

During the family meeting, maybe explain to everyone (including your ds), that you're an expanded family now, so we need some new rules we can all agree on. Make up a chart w/ everyone's name on it. Make simple, fair rules by everyone's name (like putting away any dvd used, cleaning up together before bedtime every night, shoes and coats put in proper places... whatever things might apply to your home.) Ask them all for their ideas too.

And make sure there is room for 3 more boys 'stuff' in your house (shoes, coats, backpacks, etc)... you want them to walk in the door and feel they have an immediate place for their own stuff, whether it's all together in the coat closet or mud room, or you get 4 little shoe cubbies and put each boys name on one. If space is an issue, get little basins you can just stack when the boys aren't there, but put out when they're coming over. Them seeing their own names (right along w/ your ds's name) in a few places in your home will help them feel like it's their home too.

If it were me, I'd be saying to them at the meeting something like "boys... this is very new to me. I've now got 4 new males in my life - and boy I'm overwhelmed (saying it in a funny way!) I want us all to be happy here together - we all have to give each other ideas of things we need to do, to change, etc." By saying it something like this, you're not being "the disciplinarian", nor are you being a door mat to kids coming in, creating a hurricane, then leaving every other weekend. You're hopefully establishing mutual respect.

I'd make sure they have some clothes that always stay at your house. Adding 3 boys to your family isn't going to be cheap, but it is what it is. And yes, your dh pays child support that's supposed to go for this and that, and it might or might not be. That's always a sticky point in a divorced family.

I hope any of this helped even a little bit. Blended families are very difficult, but especially for all the children. Good luck!