Step help

[dissy_dee]

Ok I have a 10 year old that lives with us. He has three kids, 12, 10, and 8. We get his kids every other weekend and it is like a mad house when they are here.

We have only been a family since August so still adjusting but they come in and mess up my son's stuff. They think because it is here it is theirs to do as they please with. My son has a laptop that his grandmother bought him and his kids are constantly asking their dad, "Why did you buy him a laptop and not us." They have on several occasions demanded that we purchase them a laptop. My son had the laptop before we got together. We have explained this to them several times.

How do you determine what is fair and what is not fair with the four kids? My son lives here and I work so I do not feel like I have to buy them everything I buy him. They have stuff at their mom's that my child does not have. I do not want to be the evil stepmom so how do I balance this out?

Their mom will not let them bring anything like their handheld games to our house (which is fine) but then they think my son's games and stuff are theirs to do as they please. How do you handle this? We do plan to purchase them handheld games at some point in the future but can't just run out and do this.

These kids do not take care of anything and leave the house in shambles when they leave. I have to demand that they clean up or it is a mess. When I say they don't take care of anything I do mean anything. They tear up their toys and throw their DVDs and game Disc around to get scratched.

I think it would be easier if we had them all the time where they could get used to the rules. We took them all to WDW for a week and had a great time. Their behavior there was great.

Also when I tell them it is bedtime they tell me their mom does not make them go to bed at a certain time.

I understand it is hard for them to come here with different rules and all but it is like a tornado hits every other weekend and I am going crazy.

Sorry so long.

 

[MomRN]

I've been with my husband 10 years, married for 6. His daughter is 16. I'd like to tell you it gets better....

but you adjust. Our son is 4, so we have a huge age difference. I don't have advice for your particular situation, except maybe putting things up while the kids are over, or implementing a sharing rule (which is what I would try to do).

 

[kwelch10377]

Do they have anything at your house that is just theirs to play with?

Have you sat with everyone to have a family meeting to discuss the situation. If not I think that might be in order. They are all old enough to understand the situation.

 

[dissy_dee]

They did not have much here before Christmas. I made sure to get them some things for Christmas and told them it had to be left here so they would have stuff of their own to play with.

Before when their dad bought them stuff they took it home to mom's house and it never came back.

Before the trip to WDW I bought them all clothes because she doesn't even send clothes with them. I like for their socks to match but when they come here you never know what they will have on.

My DH pays adequate child support and is never late with it but the kids will say they don't have this or that. She want even pay for them to go on fieldtrips at school. The last one the 4th grade took my son went on and his son stayed at school. We did not know this till my son told us later that night.

 

[OceanAnnie]

This is what I would do. I would tell your DS 10 to put his important stuff away when the stepchildren come. I would do this until the kids learn to respect his stuff.

Second, you and your DH are probably on the same page as to behavior and expectations. Your house should not be in shambles when they leave. It's time for a family meeting. They are old enough to know the drill as far as how to behave and pick up after themselves. So, I'd tell them if you want to have things at this house, you have to show some respect for what is here now. I certainly wouldn't buy stuff for my kids if they mistreated everything they got their hands on! I'd tell them they should ask if they can play with DS's things and return them in an orderly fashion, the same as they would want if it were their stuff. Tell them they need to take care of what they use. It's expected of your DS, it should be expected of the stepkids too. You guys are family and that is how families are run.

After I saw some progress, I'd start slow on gathering stuff. I'd go to a consignment shop or second hand place and get some games and such for all the kids. You can find some good stuff. I'd tell them this is for everyone. They would learn how to treat their things to keep at your house with this "starter" set. I wouldn't tell them that, but that's what I'd do. Have a place for everything and hold them to putting things away. If they mistreat the stuff, at least you haven't invested a fortune for them to ruin it all.

It's a big transition for everybody. But having some ground rules about courtesy and household expectations up front will go a long way.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

Remember that it is very stressful for kids to come and visit their dad in a new home. He used to live with them; now they have to visit him with a new wife and a new child and it's naturally hard and upsetting for them. That's why they ask to have the same things (like the laptop) that they see his "new" son - the one who gets to live with him all the time - having. I know that it's not logical, but kids are not entirely logical creatures.

I think your idea of getting them some toys at Christmas to keep at your house was a good one. Could you try hitting some garage sales and thrift stores for more things for them to play with - things that you won't care too much if they get broken or damaged? Then maybe your son could put away the things he's concerned about when they are coming over.

Having three extra kids in the house is always going to be more "tornado-like" than having an only child. If you can just anticipate that, and plan that you'll need some time after they've gone back to their other home to tidy up and reorganize, that may help.

Teresa

 

[Magic Mom]

I agree with Ocean Annie about expecting them to take care of things (especially your son's things) and not leaving the house in a shambles.

But I also wanted to point out that they didn't ask for any of this (that goes for your son as well). They don't care about fairness of childsupport. They just want to know that dad loves them at least as much if not more than his new family. It's up to him to reassure them that this is true.

 

[DisneyNutMary]

I've been with my husband 10 years, married for 6. His daughter is 16. I'd like to tell you it gets better....

but you adjust. Our son is 4, so we have a huge age difference. I don't have advice for your particular situation, except maybe putting things up while the kids are over, or implementing a sharing rule (which is what I would try to do).

I have to agree.... you learn to adjust. My stepson is 22, we have been a family for 17 years, but he has never lived with us, so there were alway mom's rules and stepmom's rules for him; he never liked stepmom's rules- which mostly involving sharing equally things like picking tv shows, video games, snacks, etc.
I would do recommend having your son put away anything that the stepbrothers/sisters could do serious damage to when they visit. Then slowly get them used to respecting the property at your home, both their own and your son's. Hopefully, you will not have to lock things up for long, and they will get used to your DS and his right to own things that they do not own, or do not have at your home.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I agree with Ocean Annie about expecting them to take care of things (especially your son's things) and not leaving the house in a shambles.

But I also wanted to point out that they didn't ask for any of this (that goes for your son as well). They don't care about fairness of childsupport. They just want to know that dad loves them at least as much if not more than his new family. It's up to him to reassure them that this is true.

I agree with that too. I do think you can treat the kids like "family" with rules and family expectations and your home will begin to feel like their home too. Have a place for their things, with name tags and all of that. It will give them visual sense of belonging.

But it goes beyond all that too. It helps a child feel welcomed and loved. I'm sure you and your DH already do many things to try to help the kids feel that way.

 

[bumbershoot]

Before the trip to WDW I bought them all clothes because she doesn't even send clothes with them. I like for their socks to match but when they come here you never know what they will have on.

My DH pays adequate child support and is never late with it but the kids will say they don't have this or that. She want even pay for them to go on fieldtrips at school. The last one the 4th grade took my son went on and his son stayed at school. We did not know this till my son told us later that night.

The bolded things make me sad.



Definitely have your son put away the things he has. And with the laptop, make sure they are just told consistently that their dad did not buy it for him.

It's gotta be hard with kids with such similar ages...when my half-sibs were born they were so much younger that things weren't shared, and we didn't bring anything that a drooling kid could mess up.

As they grew up, my half-sibs had things and vacations that we didn't have. To me, it's just part of the deal.

You can only hope that you have a fabulous custodial parent, as I did...and it seems that that might be where the problem is in your situation. Not sending clothes when they visit?? We had our own little suitcases and duffel bags that we packed for every time we went to see our dad.

 

[tiggersbombed2]

My thoughts are:

They don't have to share their stuff with him, mostly because it doesn't come to the house. So he should have stuff he doesn't need to share with them. His hand helds are his, his room is his room and his stuff is his stuff. They need to deal with that.

Future purchases can be made somewhat with all in mind (gaming systems, games, etc.) but he shouldn't have to share all his things with them. Especially since they ruin things with abandon.

They are just going to have to get used to things being different at your house. They can adjust or be miserable. It would be nice if they decided to adjust, but your son and his property shouldn't be "held hostage" to their invasion of his home every week, and that is what they are making it.

Stay strong, stay firm but kind and hopefully they will come to see your house as a welcome visit and enjoy being there and behave. It's an adjustment for you all, and kids are master manipulators, look how they grab us at the get go with a simple smile and diaper full of poop!

 

[kidzmom3]

I am truly not attacking you, these are my honest thoughts.

you should not be telling them what to do. Their father needs to be the disciplinarian. Most experts agree that the step parent should stay out of the acutal "parenting" as much as possible.

Also, they may be picking up negative energy from you. I get only negative vibes towards your step children and defensive attitude for your son. Maybe they see or sense this and act out because of it.

 

[tiggersbombed2]

What if he isn't there? If the kids go to bed a certain time, that's that. I can understand being somewhat out of sorts having someone else's kids come into my home and make it a shambles for the weekend, not fun. Yes, you need to have extra patience, but if you are just going to sit back and not have any control over people in your own house, I don't see how that wouldn't make for a lot of resentment.

I think it's a lot of psychobabble. If the children are going to be in the house, they need to respect both parents in the house, even if one of them isn't their biological parent. All this "only the REAL parent should tell them what to do" is what's screwing everything up. There are TWO parents in the household, the children need to learn to respect the other parent and abide by the rules of the house. Otherwise, it'll just be a crapshoot from beginning to end. If the biological parent wants to be the disciplining parent, then fine. But to expect the other parent to be a nonparticipating person in the house when these kids are there? Ludicrous.

Does the husband have nothing to do with the posters biological child the whole time? Wouldn't that present a warm, loving home...

 

[allison443]

Ok I have a 10 year old that lives with us. He has three kids, 12, 10, and 8. We get his kids every other weekend and it is like a mad house when they are here.

We have only been a family since August so still adjusting but they come in and mess up my son's stuff. They think because it is here it is theirs to do as they please with. My son has a laptop that his grandmother bought him and his kids are constantly asking their dad, "Why did you buy him a laptop and not us." They have on several occasions demanded that we purchase them a laptop. My son had the laptop before we got together. We have explained this to them several times.

How do you determine what is fair and what is not fair with the four kids? My son lives here and I work so I do not feel like I have to buy them everything I buy him. They have stuff at their mom's that my child does not have. I do not want to be the evil stepmom so how do I balance this out?

Their mom will not let them bring anything like their handheld games to our house (which is fine) but then they think my son's games and stuff are theirs to do as they please. How do you handle this? We do plan to purchase them handheld games at some point in the future but can't just run out and do this.

These kids do not take care of anything and leave the house in shambles when they leave. I have to demand that they clean up or it is a mess. When I say they don't take care of anything I do mean anything. They tear up their toys and throw their DVDs and game Disc around to get scratched.

I think it would be easier if we had them all the time where they could get used to the rules. We took them all to WDW for a week and had a great time. Their behavior there was great.

Also when I tell them it is bedtime they tell me their mom does not make them go to bed at a certain time.

I understand it is hard for them to come here with different rules and all but it is like a tornado hits every other weekend and I am going crazy.

Sorry so long.

It sounds like a tough situation for all involved. I completely agree that you should be able to set rules for cleaning up, etc. and your dh should totally be involved in enforcing those rules. I also think it's nice you are trying to "stock up" on toys for them at your house.

As far as the computer, do you not have a "family computer" (not your son's personal laptop) that your stepchildren can use? It's probably hard for them to see your son on his computer, and they can't have a turn at the computer. If not, maybe a good combined Christmas/birthday gift would be an inexpensive laptop for them to use at your house.

Good luck!

 

[Winnie Pooh Fan]

My DH pays adequate child support and is never late with it but the kids will say they don't have this or that. She want even pay for them to go on fieldtrips at school. The last one the 4th grade took my son went on and his son stayed at school. We did not know this till my son told us later that night.

Terribly sad for the children and things like this (field trip) would build quick resentment to your son.

Your adequate comment - if the children are going without

Rules need to be in place but his kids were part of the deal when u married him and there must be a reason for the actions......

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Do the kids have their own room in your home? There should be a computer for them to use and toys/games for them there. If they have their own things to use in your home they won't want to use your ds's. I would think these things could be shared but if you don't want to touch your son's belongings then get some things for them to play with in their room.

If the kids are messy it is up to your dh to ask them to clean up, or he can clean up after they leave. Isn't he taking responsibility for their care when they are over?

 

[NMAmy]

Also when I tell them it is bedtime they tell me their mom does not make them go to bed at a certain time.

And you believed this? This statement made me laugh because EVERY child I have ever babysat over the last 30 years has told me that their mother did not make them go to bed at a certain time. 99.9% of those kids were fibbing. Has their father asked their mother what their normal bedtime is? Not accusingly but along the lines of, "Hey, I want to keep the kids on a regular schedule. When is their regular bedtime at your house?"

Perhaps for your son, it would be best to decide which things are really important to him and to hide them away. Everything else should be shared with the stepkids until you have community games and toys that everyone can use.

.
I think it's a lot of psychobabble. If the children are going to be in the house, they need to respect both parents in the house, even if one of them isn't their biological parent. All this "only the REAL parent should tell them what to do" is what's screwing everything up. There are TWO parents in the household, the children need to learn to respect the other parent and abide by the rules of the house. Otherwise, it'll just be a crapshoot from beginning to end. If the biological parent wants to be the disciplining parent, then fine. But to expect the other parent to be a nonparticipating person in the house when these kids are there? Ludicrous.

Does the husband have nothing to do with the posters biological child the whole time? Wouldn't that present a warm, loving home...

DH has been dd's stepdad since she was 10. For us, it worked best for me to be the disciplinarian. DH became dd's pal and confidant. She had a very involved dad so it didn't make sense for DH to try to take over that position. As the disciplinarian and the biological parent, it was my job to make sure that dd treated DH with respect. She never misbehaved with him--at first because she knew she'd get in trouble and later because she didn't want to disappoint DH. So, yeah, we had a warm, loving home. There are a zillion other ways to participate with a stepkid besides being the disciplinarian.

DD is an adult and adores her stepdad. Her stepmother who tried to take over as disciplinarian and wanted desperately to become her mother? They barely speak and when they do, it's to argue.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would sit with your dh and come up with a list of rules and punishments that you both want followed.

Then sit with your son and go over the rules and punishments.

Then when the kids come over sit with them and go over the rules and punishments.

Have them written on a poster board and tacked up somewhere so everyone can read them.

One of the bones of contention is the "fairness" thing. You feel ripped off, your son feels ripped off, and they feel ripped off. By having regular meetings and clear distinct rules and punishments it will fee more "fair" in the house to everyone.

 

[Agri]

I have a question - is not paying for the field trip thing always been going on or is it new?

Keep the important stuff put away until they learn to respect your son's property.

You and your husband need to go over the rules of the house and how you want his kids to behave while they are there. Then *he* needs to sit down with them and have a good long talk about those rules and the consequences. Then when you are having to discipline them, you can refer constantly to their father's rules. He needs to be around his kids the most when they are there - they are there to see him after all and spend time with him, not to spend time going through your son's belongings and tearing them up.

My advice for the field trip is to have your husband talk to the teacher and let them no that by no means does he want his child to miss out on school activities and to let him know about it and he will pay. Of course, he could also talk to his kids and ask if there are any field trips coming up that he needs to pay for. (As to the bedtime thing as a previous poster noted - if a parent knows their child's step-child is in the same classroom and they still don't pay for the field trip and doesn't send her kids over to dad's with clothes, chances are they don't have a set bedtime.)

It really sounds like your husband needs to spend more one on one time with his kids - take them out to the zoo or something - without your son. They were probably so well-behaved in WDW because their dad was there paying attention to them.

 

[tiggersbombed2]

NMAmy, that sounds like a great system you guys went with! Love and respect go a long way. It's so nice to hear of families that can make it work. "Work" is the key word.

It's very insightful to hear all the suggestions, a lot of which would work inside a "regular" (per se) family as well. With all the blending of families, it's nice to have a slice of what's working for people.