Spouses and Money

[can'twait]

Do you and your spouse agree on how money is handled in your house? Do you fight about it? How do you resolve your differences? Did you discuss it before you were married, or was one of you surprised at how the other handled money?

 

[JenniferW]

Luckily we agree for the most part and discuss before big purchases are made. I knew my hubby was an electronics junkie before we were married : ) He knew I liked to go out to eat! I pay all the bills and we do an asset balance at the end of most months to make sure savings, bills, investments, etc are on track. (a list of balnaces in accounts minus the amount we have coming due and how much we will need to pay credit cards) If they aren't right we adjust the next month. We pay off all balances each month and save towards cars, vacations, and other big expenses. No debt except our mortgage. We have always lived within our means. I could tell you stories of how my hubby didn't buy meat in college since he couldn't afford it, etc... Luckily we aren't in that situation anymore : )

Before I was married I dated several people who I knew money would be a huge issue for us, but I knew with my hubby it wouldn't. Money issues are a huge deal that people have to work through. It's not always easy...

Jenn

 

[disney_me]

Can I say BUDGET, BUDGET, BUDGET!! My DH takes care of all the bills in our home. I think its better if one handles it all. In our home:

me $50.00 a wk for ANYTHING I want
DH $50.00 a wk for ANYTHING he wants
DD $5.00 a wk for ANYTHING she wants

Food $100.00 wk that includes cat food, dog food, everything. I find that if you plan meals right, you do not have to shop every week. We always talk about any BIG things we would like to buy. And of course if I need to buy clothes, shoes or other things of that nature. I use money out of the checking account. ( this is not totally off limits)

I guess you both have to communicate with each other.

Budgeting has paid for 3 trips to Disney all paid for in cash!! With a 4th one in the works (we get alot of free airfair with my DH work too, that helped the most)

 

[pearlieq]

Funny this topic should come up today as DH and I just finished going over our budget.

We have very, very different money styles but it was discussed at length and resolved before we were married. It works best for us if I manage the money. I'm very fiscally responsible and enjoy budgeting, and neither of those descriptions fits DH.

Have we fought about it? Darn right we have! Money is a very sensitive topic is usually linked to feelings of control and dignity to most people. I've had to learn to loosen up and trust him, and he's had to learn to play by the "rules".

What worked for us was laying everything out in the open and talking it all through. It helped that DH recognized that money management was not his strong suit and was happy to hand the task over to me. Still, we need to keep talking, talking, talking to make sure we're on the same page and both getting what we want.

Along with all the talking has come a lot of compromise. I'm not crazy about the fact that DH buys his lunch out every day, but it's important to him so we negotiated a budget for it and I live with it because it means something to him. He indulges my clothes shopping habit, within reason. There has been a lot of give and take to make sure that the plan is liveable for both of us.

 

[graygables]

Yes we agree. He works, hands me the check, goes to sleep, then goes to work again! Sometimes I have to go pick up the check, but other than the few times a year he sees one, that's as close as he gets (or wants to get). DH is oblivious how much things cost and we both like to keep it that way. He went to the grocery store with me once and just about hyperventilated over the bill, so he keeps his nose out. BTW, he's a contractor, so we get paid very erratically, and usually only about 10-12 times per year.

 

[disneysteve]

We definitely agree completely. After over 13 years of marriage, I can truthfully say that we have never had a single argument about money. To be honest, and I don't mean to offend anyone, I don't understand marrying someone who doesn't agree with you on such a vital matter. I think money management is just as important as religion or child issues. It is amazing how many people ignore it when choosing a spouse. No wonder it is the number one thing couples fight about and one of the leading causes of divorce. Almost everything you do as a couple will involve money in one way or another: buying a home, taking vacations, purchasing clothes, going out to eat, getting a new car, etc. If you don't agree on how to handle money, it seems to me you are just asking for trouble.

 

[tiff211]

We used to argue about money. DH would make large ebay purchases for his car all the time and I would see packages arrive all the time. He would use all his money that would be allotted for gas, the train, lunch, etc. Then he would use our joint account debit card to compensate and not tell me. It would cause checks to bounce and me to be scrambling to fix things. I took away his debit card and checkbook. We have separate accounts and still the joint one but he has no access to it. I pay all bills and do the household shopping and it works for us!!!

 

[Kahana-ri]

We only fight about money when there is not enough of it. I handle all the bills for the house so DH has no idea what comes in or goes out. When we don't have the cash to cover when needed things get tense.

 

[staci]

DH is clueless when it comes to our money. he earns it, i spend it I pay all the bills and do all the shopping, and I just remind him every week or two that we are broke so that he doesnt attempt to buy anything

 

[miss missy]

I just learned this myself.

I suggest you read The Total Money Makeover and Financial Peace by Dave Ramsey, if you haven't already. They will explain better. But basically I agree with Dave, the usual marriage has one "nerd" this is the bill payer and one "free spirit" this is the, ok-you handle it person. He talks that both need to get together and go through budgets TOGETHER and spend every penny as a couple. This is a tough thing for most, but the ones who do it are the ones who are not in debt and have a financially sound marriage and life.

I know we were not taught this way growing up. Most of us were not taught money and marriage. I see couple who do money seperately and that blows my mind.

I have the tendancy to be "the mother" so I know I have to tread lightly with this. After all, "it's easier to just do it yourself." But after 13 years of marriage, I have learned he needs to decide where every dime goes too. He always had direct deposit to our account and I have always done the bills, shopping, DR's ect. But now, he has to sit and talk money with me too. It was hard for him to hear what the true numbers where of income vs debt and all that. He is such a funny man with money and is very aware of what he spends himself (nothing), but not knowing what the electric or phone bill was. I think I messed him up with all those years of controlling the money. He was afraid to spend any! I had to plead that it was OK to get a 3.00 thing, yet I had free rein to buy anything. He just trusted me that much. I had to start to teach him the ropes so he could relax. He still doesn't like the bill part and now that most are done online, he hates that! But he is getting there.

I believe both need to be 100% on board with money. I know in my case, I felt like his MOMMY when he wasn't into the money and I was a very unhappy nerd back then.

Best of luck

 

[staceyfe]

We have never had even one fight about money. The experts always say this is the #1 thing couples fight about but I can never relate to that. We started with similiar money views when we got married and have become even more similiar in the 13 years since. I handle all the bills, DH keeps a certain amount from his checks as his "fun" money. We discuss all money matters, and while we may not agree 100% on investments, we agree 100% on spending patterns. I can't imagine being with someone who viewed money radically different than I do. It would marriage a lot harder.

 

[mrsbornkuntry]

DH and I agree on how our money is handled, the only time we have an issue is when I get frustrated making up a budget for the month and ask him for help (for another perspective, checking my math, etc.) and he doesn't want to, he figures there's nothing he can do. Just recently I tried to get him to go over the budget with me and he wouldn't make time to do it and told me to just take care of it, but a week later he wanted to buy something and I said "okay, if you can find a place in the budget for it or something to cut to make a place for it we can buy it." He said "well, where's our budget?" Needless to say after looking at the numbers he didn't buy it.

We agreed before we got married that I would handle our money because he wasn't good at it (it was actually his idea, but worked well for both of us because I'm a control freak). We still discuss big things like when I switched to Vonage, cut down our cable, how much insurance coverage to have, and major purchases.

Our biggest money fight was when we were only married for a couple months. I started getting really sick and it lasted a long time so DH decided it was stress over money and when a bill came that was something he should've taken care of before we were married he hid it from me!! It turned out I was sick because I was pregnant, but I about killed him when I found that bill I still tease him about it, but since then he barely even checks the mail.

 

[robsmom]

We have similar financial mindsets so we really have never had a fight about money. My DH pays almost all the bills but i have a check book that I use for little things (school lunch, cub scouts, etc. etc.). He tends to go to the ATM and give me cash but not in a controlling way - more in the it is one less thing that I need to do if he gets it for both of us. We live beneath our means and don't use cash for much so neither of us really ever needs to question what we spend cash on. We both review our joint VISA bill each month to see what we have charged and to make sure there are not any errors. We usually spend up to maybe $200 without discussion but all major purchases are agreed to mutually. DH watches our investments but I participate alot in decisions and we review our balances together regularly.

 

[mudnuri]

I dont have any to worry about.....it all goes to bills, and those are the bare minimum with no CC debt etc.

Brandy

 

[LeCras]

To be honest, and I don't mean to offend anyone, I don't understand marrying someone who doesn't agree with you on such a vital matter. I think money management is just as important as religion or child issues. It is amazing how many people ignore it when choosing a spouse.

Well, my DH and I got married becaused we love each other deeply and want to spend the rest of our lives together. We might not agree on everything, but to me that's part of married life - give and take, compromise. I certainly would not have backed out of marrying him because of differing opinions on money management!

Charlotte

 

[armywife]

DH & I agree on the budget, then the next second he blows it! Just a few days ago at the grocery store I was getting sooooo irritated at him because I had a VERY specific grocery list and dollar amount to spend, which we discussed the night before, and he's throwing in anything & everything into the cart! All brand name snacks, most expensive cereal, etc........I told him I am going to the store by myself next time. I've heard some people say their family hates the generic cereals, so they buy them secretly and pour them into the name brand cereal boxes and their family never knows the difference! I'm trying it next time when he's not with me!
Sounds like a little thing, but we're on a very tight budget right now since he had knee surgery & has been off work for awhile and Christmas is quickly approaching.
He acts like eating out is just $30 here, $20 there. When I told him how many HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS we were spending a month on eating out he flipped out! We don't fight about it, but we definately have different attitudes about the budget.

 

[CarolynNC]

I strongly recommend doing the finances as a couple. When my father died suddenly my mother had never handled any of the family money matters. It was pure bedlam. She couldn't balance a checkbook, bounced checks left and right, and didn't know what needed to be paid and when. It took me quite a while to straighten everything out and train her to manage her money. The 'money manager' in the family may not always be available and the family shouldn't suffer. It may be easier for one spouse to take care of the money in the family but it won't be easier in the long run. After all, becoming fiscally responsible is part of becoming a responsible adult.

 

[fac]

I don't understand marrying someone who doesn't agree with you on such a vital matter. I think money management is just as important as religion or child issues.

How true !!
DH and I don't agree on all three. We seldom argue on money issues, because we ( or I in particular) make decent money. We adopted two girls, and it has been a big issue on how to raise them.

In the last several months, I have been thinking on how I can make sure my girls realize that those are important issues before they get marry.

 

[donnabc]

Well, we argue about money, and yell about it about every six months or so.
There just never seems to be enough.
And the biggest problem is that my DH has no idea how much things cost. I do the shopping and I pay the bills. DH couldn't tell you the cost of daycare per week if you put a gun to his head. He also doesn't know how much I have to spend on gas to get to and from work each week...he knows where I work and how far it is, but doesn't put two and two together to come up with a weekly gas bill of over $50! And beleive me he does not WANT to know...he just wants there to be a positive amount in the account at the end of paying the bills.
DH's entire check goes to pay child support, his car, his cell phone (that he needs FOR work), his insurance, his gas and coffee habit.
Now you know WHY there is never enough money But we'll survive it. When he starts yelling I write down the bills I've paid and SHOW him where all the money has gone...this generally works for a few weeks at least

 

[Chicago526]

Do you and your spouse agree on how money is handled in your house? Do you fight about it? How do you resolve your differences? Did you discuss it before you were married, or was one of you surprised at how the other handled money?

DH and I just got married two weeks ago. We did discuss money before getting married (at my insistance!). At first we did not agree at all, but we finally decided on a plan. At first DH didn't seem too thrilled with the plan, but after a few weeks he came around and said it was the best plan for our goals, he just wasn't used to having to stop and think before buying something. I'm not either, when it comes to that! But it has to be done, or well never get the wedding paid off.

It's only been a few weeks, so we havn't come across any differances yet. I doubt we'll every actually fight about it, we both feel there is little in this world worth getting MAD at each other over.