Spin off- Vow Renewal?

[kilee]

My husband and I renewed our vows almost 3 yrs ago. My husband went through a very serious bought of depression for nearly 2 years. It got so bad in the last few weeks that I was very close to having him admitted against his will because I knew he was suicidal. Anyhow, he had a breakthrough and sought help on his own.

As he got better he admitted to me that he had in fact cheated on me shortly before he started to get better. It was isolated and definetly over. (A whole other story)

Anyhow, after about a year I really felt I got to the point I had started to forgive him and he was making so much progress we decided to renew our vows. It was very important to us on so many levels. Anyhow, we were very private about it. The only one's who were present were myself, my husband, the pastor and a church witness. We did not invite anyone (not even my teenage son), because we did it for US. We also did not have a reception afterwards. We did go on a "second honeymoon" immediately following it. However, friends and family thought we were just going on vacation. Once again we kept it private because this was for us and only us. We did exchange new rings because I felt his ring was "tainted" in a way (because he had removed it the night he cheated on me).

We also did not do it on our original wedding anniversary, though that is the one we still celebrate.

 

[Nancyg56]

To me, re-doing the vows seems like sort of a "look at me" thing, as a previous poster mentioned. I (personally) don't see any need to re-do vows in front of other people. But of course I also don't see the need to re-do vows if you meant them the first time. It just isn't my thing, I guess.

But I do think if the couple wants a vow renewal they have every right to have it, if it will make them happy.

I don't know. Perhaps if you called them a reaffirmation people would not react so negatively.

 

[Scurvy]

I don't know. Perhaps if you called them a reaffirmation people would not react so negatively.

Maybe. I can only speak for myself, but I still don't think I would really like the idea. It's difficult for me to explain exactly how I feel about it. I know that having those closest to you witness the vows at your wedding is important to many people. It was to me. Those vows a a part of your transition from two individuals to a married couple. It's a part of the ritual and tradition of marriage. It's an important moment, filled with significance. And traditionally friends and family are a part of that moment. But that moment only happens once in each marriage, and to me any attempt to recreate that moment just comes across as "play acting", for lack of a better description.

Once a couple is married, I personally think any promises that they make to each other ought to be a more private thing. Similarly, if a couple feels the need to make new vows because the first ones were broken, that seems like it ought to be between them, not between them and their friends and family. Making promises to someone who is already your spouse just doesn't seem like something that ought to happen in front of an audience.

I understand the desire to celebrate a milestone anniversary with friends and family because you are so happy that you are still happy together after all those years. I can also understand wanting to use your anniversary as an excuse to throw a big blowout party. But I don't get the desire to speak words to each other in front of an audience. For me, if the words are heartfelt then they would mean much more if said in private, rather than as part of some public event. And honestly the whole "scripted" thing bothers me, too. When my husband spontaneously tells me that he's glad I said "yes" all those years ago and that he loves me, it means the world to me. If he was reciting vows or repeating what an officiant said, I think it would feel much less heartfelt to me. No matter what he was saying, I think it would feel too much like a "show" if there was an audience involved.

That certainly doesn't mean that everyone needs to agree with that. Clearly, given the number of people who have said they did have or intend to have vow renewals, many people don't agree with me. And that's fine. They can have vow renewals and I can not have one and we'll all be happy.

 

[PatriciaH]

Having a VR,and inviting people, to me is no different than having a huge 50th birthday party, even though you may have had a 30th one as well.

I had a smallish wedding, that I paid for myself. There were things that I wanted to do differently (like time of year and venue), but couldn't manage to pull off at the time.

A wedding, with the whole gown, limo, reception/open bar, is more than the couple confirming their love for one another. It's a show in itself, so why not say that everyone should just go to the justice of the peace in the first place, if it's only about the couple?

I would love to have a vr for my 20th - I want to have it in October (like I orignally wanted) and to do it all on a chartered yacht! I would pay for it all, of course, and not expect gifts. To be able to play dress up again would be a blast. To have friends there that I didn't even know 20 years ago would also be a blast! To have Dd there - pricless!

If I could only afford a small condo when I was first looking to buy a house, I may want a bigger and better house 10 years later (don't quite understand the "sorry, you had your shot the first time" way of thinking). I did what I could at the time, now I can do things the way I want!

And believe you me, my marriage is the BOMB! Oops, was that one of those words that people hate to hear

I totally agree with your post My mother thinks huge weddings are a joke and it should just be the couple if it really means a lot. Go figure. We had a tiny wedding with just our parents and sisters that we paid for. I would have never expected or let our parents pay for a wedding unless they were muli millionaires. I think that is a strange custom. We had Chinese food and champagne at DH's house after. If I won Powerball or was a millionaire you can bet I would have a HUGE bash for my 15th or 20th.

 

[RangerPooh]

I feel that VRs for those who just want the attention and gifts are a waste of time and resources. But to each their own.

Now, a VR for those who want to reaffirm their relationship after going through rough times, to include their new (was not present at time of wedding) family, or want to celebrate life and marriage is fine. Would I expect the traditional large party/event? No. But each person has their own reasons, and if it's what you want and can afford then that's fine.

DH and I have talked about havihng a VR in the future. We've been married for almost 7 years, but have a mentality of why wait until specific milestones. Life is too short too wait. His parents had a few private VR ceremonies while married and were planning one when his mom passed away. So to him, it's something to celebrate your marriage and life together. Would I want the large party? No. Instead I'd prefer an intimate event with my children present, parents, brother, and maybe a few very clsoe friends. Certainly not extended family and other guests.

I will say that while we loved our wedding we made a number of concessions to have it where we wanted, not where everyone thought we should have it. Those concessions left us with a lot of whining from family members, allowing people to "make" things (floral, favors, etc) so that they had a role/control, and some memories that we'd rather not have...

• An aunt rushing to us announcing that X, Y, and Z will not be fed due to not enough food...blown out of proportion. Food was available, just a discrepency in numbers. Our planner handled it as all that was needed was an ok to cook more steak and bill us for it.
• A family member stealing money from our wedding fund. How they got access?? Left us cutting things out of our wedding.
• A concession on the wedding month as my brother was suppose to get time off for it and was uanble to...Army and his selfishness (at that point his friends were more important than family). Would have prefered October to June.
• More but not going to list.

So if and when we have one it will be paid for us us (again). I will wear what I want to wear, have it where we want to have it, invite who we want to invite, and do what we want to do. It's our money and celebration.

 

[Minnesota!]

I am not for the huge, elaborate ones. But, I had a big huge lovely wedding back in 2000. My dad died 10 months prior and had left my mom instructions about the wedding that he wanted me to have. So, I had the wedding he wanted to see me have. It was fabulous! But, like others have said, I wanted small, intimate with just my immediate family and friends. Somewhere warm, near water. Relaxing.

So, DH and I decided at our wedding that for our 10 year anniversary we would do it again in Vegas or WDW. Well, 2 kids, mortgage, Catholic school, etc. later...it's not going to happen this year. However, by our 15 year, we should be fine and dandy to do it.

So we will. Whoever wants to join us, can. We will probably do something at sunset on a coast somewhere. I cannot wait! I am talking $1000 at most. We have been through a LOT in our 10 short years of marriage - and I just want to reaffirm to each other that we are still totally comitted. When we were going through our infertility treatments, we hit a rough patch and discussed divorce. But having our kids has made us stronger, more in love. I want to include them in it...because they solidified our relationship.

And I really couldn't care less what anyone here, or IRL has to say about it. My money to spend how I choose. They can come or they can decide not to.

 

[Wishing on a star]

A wedding is a big 'life event'...
A wedding has a specific purpose....
It is an official union.

IMHO, a Vow Renewal, similar to a wedding, is NEITHER of the above.

It reminds me of when Celine Dion was over the moon, and a poster here said that if she heard Celine GUSH and PROFESS HER LOVE, just one more time, they might just puke!!!!!

IMHO, this kind of big vow renewal ceremonies are clearly an indulgence for the self-absorbed.

 

[Tiggernut_jadie]

I am only speaking for myself, but if you want to have a vow renewal, go for it, but don't expect me to go. I can understand if you are having one because you have overcome some obstacle in your life, but to have one because you didn't get your dream wedding and you want to have it 10 years after the fact, no thanks.

I totally agree with this! I've never understood parents who 'take over' and choose the wedding THEY wnat their offsrping to have rather than letting the couple make the decisions for themselves. If I hadn't had the wedding I wanted the first time roudn then I wouldn't have got married. When my DD gets married she and her fiance will choose the wedding not me and my DH.

 

[Cornhusk]

I am only speaking for myself, but if you want to have a vow renewal, go for it, but don't expect me to go. I can understand if you are having one because you have overcome some obstacle in your life, but to have one because you didn't get your dream wedding and you want to have it 10 years after the fact, no thanks.

Exactly! But it also seems that the Poster of whom this thread is a spin off from didn't once state a reaffirmation of love or anything, just the fact that she didn't get the wedding she wanted.

 

[JerseyJanice]

This whole vow renewal concept is new to me. I don't watch a lot of TV and wouldn't even know that they're done on reality TV shows if I didn't read the DIS. Until I read the thread this morning where the OP is irritated with her sister, I wouldn't have thought many people do vow renewals, especially for a tenth wedding anniversary.

No one in my circle of friends or family has ever done a vow renewal. I couldn't imagine anyone I know IRL even wanting to do one unless there were some unusual circumstances surrounding their first wedding. Many examples of "unusual circumstances" have been mentioned by PPs already--military deployments, separations, civil ceremonies the first time. I could understand having vow renewal celebrations in those instances.

However, planning what amounts to a do-over wedding in Disney World because your first wedding wasn't the intimate fairy tale you dreamed of in childhood? Do you have any idea what a self-indulgent and spoiled brat that makes you sound like? Not to mention immature.

Would it be different if people wanted to throw a big party at WDW and invited a bunch of people?

Yes, it would be different to me. Inviting people to Disney World to celebrate your anniversary wouldn't appear as attention-getting as inviting them to a vow renewal ceremony and would therefore seem less tacky to me.

 

[Gigi22]

I don't feel the need to renew any vows, neither does DH. Last year we celebrated our 25th anniversary at Disney--I think it was enough for us. I did once tell DH that if he felt the need for a vows renewal, I would only do it on 2 conditions: 1. it has to be in Las Vegas; and, 2. officiated by an Elvis impersonator! That about says it for us--I am sure a lot of people feel quite differently about this topic.

 

[Nancyg56]

Those vows a a part of your transition from two individuals to a married couple. It's a part of the ritual and tradition of marriage. It's an important moment, filled with significance. And traditionally friends and family are a part of that moment. But that moment only happens once in each marriage, and to me any attempt to recreate that moment just comes across as "play acting", for lack of a better description.

Once a couple is married, I personally think any promises that they make to each other ought to be a more private thing. Similarly, if a couple feels the need to make new vows because the first ones were broken, that seems like it ought to be between them, not between them and their friends and family. Making promises to someone who is already your spouse just doesn't seem like something that ought to happen in front of an audience.

I understand the desire to celebrate a milestone anniversary with friends and family because you are so happy that you are still happy together after all those years. I can also understand wanting to use your anniversary as an excuse to throw a big blowout party. But I don't get the desire to speak words to each other in front of an audience. For me, if the words are heartfelt then they would mean much more if said in private, rather than as part of some public event. And honestly the whole "scripted" thing bothers me, too. When my husband spontaneously tells me that he's glad I said "yes" all those years ago and that he loves me, it means the world to me. If he was reciting vows or repeating what an officiant said, I think it would feel much less heartfelt to me. No matter what he was saying, I think it would feel too much like a "show" if there was an audience involved.

That certainly doesn't mean that everyone needs to agree with that. Clearly, given the number of people who have said they did have or intend to have vow renewals, many people don't agree with me. And that's fine. They can have vow renewals and I can not have one and we'll all be happy.

I understand why people feel the way that they do and respect that. I do not understand some of the venom that some posters have included in their posts. No you but there have been some pretty sour posts on this thread as well as on the one that this spun off from.

I have not been to many VR's. I am a Catholic and the VR's that I have been to have been on Anniversary dates and have been called Affirmarions, I believe. They were lovely affairs and were not second weddings. They were celebrations and were officiated by our Priest.. Renewing vows is not new in the Catholic Faith, we renew our Baptismal vows every year during Mass. DUring some weddings I have attended many couples repeat quietly the vows. In our Faith these are Sacrements and the affirmation is not because of rough times, although in most marraiges there are challenges that conquering should be celebrated.

If DH and I decided to renew our vows we would do this during a Mas, and becasue in my family everything is a party we would celebrate with our family and friends and I sure would feed them. We would not want gifts, we have everything we need and plenty that we want. I would not wear a gown, I already had that day. This one would not be that I would marry him all over again. In my Faith marriage is forever, once is all you get unless there are extenuating circumstances. We would simply affirm that thoe vows. Now if people wanted to come and eat and dance they could. If they could not that is okay too. The people who matter to me know that we welcome them without strings and that if they cannot attend or choose not to that is okay with us.

 

[Nik's Mom]

No offense to anyone who has done a big vow renewal. This is my opinion only. There is no way in hell that I would waste that kind of cash on a vow renewal. I'd rather go on a vacation with that money.

I like the idea of people renewing vows all alone, or with their kids, on a secluded beach somewhere. That kind of sounds romantic. But to do it all over again with a big crowd, fancy dress, etc... I just don't get that. DH and I had our moment in the spotlight back in 1996. We don't need to do that all over again. Anyway, I haven't forgotten what my vows were, so no need to remind myself with a big ceremony. Plus, every couple I know that has done the big vow renewal has ended in divorce. It seems like the kiss of death for a marriage.

 

[ilovepcot]

I understand wanting to renew your vows with your DH, but why in the world do you feel the need to invite other people????? Everyones lives are busy enough.

We have been married over 30 years and trust me, anyone who has been married that long has had some really good years and many years that they were ready to call it quits. I think its something for just you and your DH to celebrate, and not have to make a show for other people.

Amen!

My parents celebrated their *60th* anniversary a couple years back and the family asked if they'd like to renew their vows. They both thought it was a ridiculous idea and that it wouldn't prove a thing...they both knew how much they loved each other. And, they didn't like the idea others would feel obligated to bring a gift and get all dressed up. We did do a family celebration and against their wishes, gave gifts.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

I definitely want to do it, but as a "fun" private thing between DH and I and our kidlets. We decided when we go to Vegas we'll renew our vows and get married by Elvis! Maybe eventually we'll do the Disney thing again, but by no means will we invite family or do the whole "invite people" thing. Just us and our kidlets.

We have a good marriage and I think renewing our vows is like celebrating that... like an anniversary, but better.

 

[Boxley]

I definitely want to do it, but as a "fun" private thing between DH and I and our kidlets. We decided when we go to Vegas we'll renew our vows and get married by Elvis! Maybe eventually we'll do the Disney thing again, but by no means will we invite family or do the whole "invite people" thing. Just us and our kidlets.

We have a good marriage and I think renewing our vows is like celebrating that... like an anniversary, but better.

lol, hire like 10 Elvis impersonators to sing to you while you walk down the aisle, that would be interesting.