Spending money...

[Nancyg56]

I believe they are 7 and 11. Her son is around 15 months.

And the 15 month old needs to have the same amount of money gifted to the older children.............................

 

[mvazul]

To the original poster - what would your husband say if he read this thread?

 

[mvazul]

And the 15 month old needs to have the same amount of money gifted to the older children.............................

 

[STAYC18]

I did. I know she won't and she should not be obligated to. IT would be a nice thing to do though and it would not cost much. In my home we would forgo something for ourselves, take the kids shopping and encourage them to buy a keepsake for their mother. It is a small investment in the children and really has not a thing to do with the mother.

and I said that...if they don't i will make sure I purchase something for them to take back to mom, step dad and siblings... I know thats the right thing to do and when they tell their mohter that Stacey helped us pick something for you guys she will appreciate the generosity and compassion I took to help her children out and make them feel good about themselves...

 

[marmalade]

To the original poster - what would your husband say if he read this thread?

I am wondering the same thing.

 

[STAYC18]

And the 15 month old needs to have the same amount of money gifted to the older children.............................

By being fair yes...

I treat all my kids fairly...

 

[STAYC18]

I am wondering the same thing.

i asked him and he said, they shouldn't spend their money on that and it would be nice if she gave them money to pick up something but I know she never will and if she don't we can get them something small for them to bring back...

that was it and i agreed with him...

 

[STAYC18]

I did. I know she won't and she should not be obligated to. IT would be a nice thing to do though and it would not cost much. In my home we would forgo something for ourselves, take the kids shopping and encourage them to buy a keepsake for their mother. It is a small investment in the children and really has not a thing to do with the mother.

and that what we plan on doing...

all i asked was: if your children were going to Disney with their dad would you give them money to bring back their mother, step dad and siblings something...

thats all... nothing about i resent these kids, i hate their mother, i would never spend my money on it, if they decided to spend it on others i would discourage that... yada yada yada...

 

[mvazul]

i asked him and he said, they shouldn't spend their money on that and it would be nice if she gave them money to pick up something but I know she never will and if she don't we can get them something small for them to bring back...

that was it and i agreed with him...

You're missing the point. If he was able to read this thread - in it's entirety, complete with all of your comments and tone - what would he say??? You can deny it until the cows come home, but the resentment oozes out of your responses. Resentment for your husband, your step-daughters, their mother and even their other siblings.

This goes far beyond just spending money, in my opinion.

 

[sleeperclan]

and I said that...if they don't i will make sure I purchase something for them to take back to mom, step dad and siblings... I know thats the right thing to do and when they tell their mohter that Stacey helped us pick something for you guys she will appreciate the generosity and compassion I took to help her children out and make them feel good about themselves...

Wow...don't be too disappointed when she doesn't heap praises onto you for helping HER children out.

 

[Nancyg56]

and I said that...if they don't i will make sure I purchase something for them to take back to mom, step dad and siblings... I know thats the right thing to do and when they tell their mohter that Stacey helped us pick something for you guys she will appreciate the generosity and compassion I took to help her children out and make them feel good about themselves...

But don't you think that it would be just a bit kinder to the kids if you did not set them up first? You plan on waiting for them to spend their money and then step in and buy gifts or let them buy for their siblings and then tell them their money is gone. If you already are willing to make purchases why are you not letting the kids know? Either way you get to say "Told you so" The kids are set up to fail.


I never was fair to all my kids, no even steven for us. If one needed more than another for any given reason I managed that. There was always a time when it all worked out one way or another. It is simply my opinion that the older children simply have different needs than a 15 month old child who cannot even count yet. You get to make your decisions but this passive aggressive nonsense would never fly in my home.

 

[jujube]

I am not a step parent nor do my children have step parents (still married) BUT I was a step child and this is what I "think" I would do:

If my kids were going with DH, yes I would sent them money but I wouldn't expect him to send money if I was taking the kids.

If I had step kids I would buy for them the same as I would my own kids. If the kids were older I would also give them money to buy whatever they wanted, even if it included buying something for their mom.

When it comes to step kids, this is my rule of thumb..... Treat them the way you would want a step parent to treat your own kid in the same situation. No one know if divorce will happen and your kid/kids may be in this situation in a few years and I don't think you would like it if the new wife was treating your kids differently.

My husband has treated my son as his own from day 1. If he had not, he would not be my husband.
The OP's posts sound kind of like my cousin. She LOVED her husband's daughters until she had her own. Them she actually said, "My daughters and I should be enough. I don't know why he has to bother with them(daughterss from 1st marriage).

Earlier you wondered why folks got all fired up. This tone is why. This was never about money. It is about how you are ready to punish those kids if they choose to buy their family gifts from their spending money. Instead of being recognized for their generosity they will be told "Sorry little interloper, you spent your money on your Mother so go without!"


You better hope that your husband is not taking notes from you on how children from previous marriages should be treated. You may think giving the kid some spending money is the answer but the reality is that it is not. You can give your kid money but you will not be able to ensure that your child is really accepted in the new family and before you tell me that you and your DH are a forever couple............he and his previous wife thought that as well. Before the divorce. AND their kids were just along for the ride it seems.

You say that Mom never takes them on vacation but you cannot even manage to have any compassion for the children who are your child's siblings. like it or not. Not to mention those siblings who never get to go on a vacation. So if your stepchildren want to give souvenirs to kids who would never otherwise get them they will be made to go without.

By being fair yes...

I treat all my kids fairly...

Yikes! You would give a baby as much money as a 7 and 11 year old? For what?

You're missing the point. If he was able to read this thread - in it's entirety, complete with all of your comments and tone - what would he say??? You can deny it until the cows come home, but the resentment oozes out of your responses. Resentment for your husband, your step-daughters, their mother and even their other siblings.

This goes far beyond just spending money, in my opinion.

It must go beyond money. Her signature says they're DVC members. Seriously OP, you quibble over such a little bit of money yet you join DVC? I can see where money managing may not be your specialty.

All I can say OP is you reap what you sow. If your husband knows you feel this way, shame on him. If he doesn't, I hope he realizes soon the disdain you have for his children. Then, you'll have to worry about whether or not to send money for your child to go on a trip with dad and stepmom.

 

[Mama Who]

well I think thats were the: You married a guy with children and its a package deal they are your children now just as much as they are his...

That is not a complete and coherent sentence. I cannot tell what you were trying to say. I can only restate that *I* have never said that they are your children.

 

[Nancyg56]

My husband has treated my son as his own from day 1. If he had not, he would not be my husband.
The OP's posts sound kind of like my cousin. She LOVED her husband's daughters until she had her own. Them she actually said, "My daughters and I should be enough. I don't know why he has to bother with them(daughterss from 1st marriage).

People used to tell me how lucky I was. Even my first husbands Mom told me I was lucky. Luck never had a thing to do with it. If Buddy did not love my children like they were his own flesh and blood I would not have married him.

IT is funny, by his unconditionally loving my children, my family he and I have gained so much. They would walk through fire for him. My nieces and nephews trip over themselves if he needs them. Children are powerless to shape how their adults treat them but when they become adults they remember.

 

[STAYC18]

Their father is taking them on vacation. It is his resposibility to give them spending money. She did not get to decide on the plans, so why should she fund any of it? Does your husband send them spending money for the things they do with their mom? If they go to the zoo, does he send cash? If they go to ChuckieCheese (sp?) does he send money so they can play extra games?

my question was... Would you send your child with money to have them purchse you, their step dad, and two other siblings souvenirs...

and their mother does not tell my husband anything in advance what she does with the kids... and if we knew they were going to Disney or anyother lavish trip, I (we) would give the girls money to have them pick us out a magnet/ornament for us and something small for their brother and what ever was left buy yourself something... have a great time... kiss and hugs and see ya when you get back...

 

[declansdad]

By being fair yes...

I treat all my kids fairly...

Fair doesn't mean equal.

 

[STAYC18]

My husband has treated my son as his own from day 1. If he had not, he would not be my husband.
The OP's posts sound kind of like my cousin. She LOVED her husband's daughters until she had her own. Them she actually said, "My daughters and I should be enough. I don't know why he has to bother with them(daughterss from 1st marriage).

People used to tell me how lucky I was. Even my first husbands Mom told me I was lucky. Luck never had a thing to do with it. If Buddy did not love my children like they were his own flesh and blood I would not have married him.

IT is funny, by his unconditionally loving my children, my family he and I have gained so much. They would walk through fire for him. My nieces and nephews trip over themselves if he needs them. Children are powerless to shape how their adults treat them but when they become adults they remember.

where did i say anything about my son... and i'm pretty sure I'm giving them equal spending money and takeing them all to Disney...where am I favoring one over the other... Do i love my son...hell yeah he is mine...but it does not mean i don't love my step daughters any less...

 

[Nancyg56]

my question was... Would you send your child with money to have them purchse you, their step dad, and two other siblings souvenirs...

and their mother does not tell my husband anything in advance what she does with the kids... and if we knew they were going to Disney or anyother lavish trip, I (we) would give the girls money to have them pick us out a magnet/ornament for us and something small for their brother and what ever was left buy yourself something... have a great time... kiss and hugs and see ya when you get back...

No. I would give them money and I would not detail what it was for. I would expect that their father would make sure that he helped them to make the purchases for their family.

 

[STAYC18]

where did i say anything about my son... and i'm pretty sure I'm giving them equal spending money and takeing them all to Disney...where am I favoring one over the other... Do i love my son...hell yeah he is mine...but it does not mean i don't love my step daughters any less...

oh and also people keep saying have their father take care of it and pretty much for me to butt out... but i'm not since THEIR my children too...

either I accept and treat them like i would do with my own son (which are rules, disipline and structure) or stay out of it and let their father make the rules for them only..

which is it?

 

[STAYC18]

No. I would give them money and I would not detail what it was for. I would expect that their father would make sure that he helped them to make the purchases for their family.

so if he doesn't i shouldn't do anything...