Speaking of wills, guardianship?

[Serena]

Do you let your children have a say in who takes care of them, if you are gone?

I didn't the first time, but then they weren't here the first time. I just talked to kelsea about this at the bus stop. lol

 

[golfgal]

We didn't when we drew up our will because they were too young. We have DH's brother and his wife as guardians and the kids would be fine going there if they had to.

 

[AllyandJack]

I really struggle with this. I'm an only child. DH's siblings....well, let's just say we don't talk to them. Besides, none of them have 2 nickels to rub together and they're all living with friends of the family (they're all in their 30's).

If my parents are still alive, I guess they'd be the choice. I have one close cousin who is a druggie and doesn't even care for her own son. Her parents are insane and I see how they're raising my cousin's kid.

My best friend....she's unstable, too. Her DH is abusive.

I've decided that my best option is my good friend from high school. He's a nice guy....responsible...single, but a great uncle with a loving family of siblings and nieces and nephews. He said he'd be honored to raise my kids, but my daughters won't date until they're 30.

I don't have any kids yet, but I am bothered by this problem.

 

[RadioNate]

I struggle with this too. I am an only child, SIL is much younger and just turned 18 so she's out. I have 2 cousins. 1 has worked as a stripper and skydives (she's an instructor) for a living. The other would be acceptable but I do not like her boyfriend at all. She's 31 so been dating a while and there is only one steady boyfriend of her's that wasn't a complete nut job. She would be a good choice but I can't trust her to pick an acceptable mate.

That leaves my mom or my inlaws. My mom is already in her late 50's. Financially it wouldn't be a problem but she'll be 70 when he's in HS and I wonder if that wouldn't be too much of a burden. My inlaws are nearly 10 years younger but choosing them would deeply hurt my mother. We also have very little relationship with them, FIL is VERY strict and I don't like how he treats DS and I'm sure they would make no effort to have DS learn about my side of the family.

So we haven't done anything yet. We'd love to get this settled but we just can't make a convincing case for anyone.

 

[Frantasmic]

We did all this last year. Basically, it helps to give guardianship to a trustworthy set of people and then give stewardship over money to another set. That way, the guardians aren't doing it to get the money. They have to work with the stewards over what is best for the children.

We have my in-laws as the guardians. They are pretty young still, live in a great area, and would provide the best care for DD11 and DS5. We then gave my sister control over the estate money they would inherit. She is basically their executor. She couldn't touch the money, only use it for their good.

 

[Dan Murphy]

When the kids were old enough to discuss it, we did.

 

[minkydog]

I have two under 18. We did not consult them when we chose guardians, mainly because i didn't want it to be a popularity contest. We made the choices we made for specific reasons, some of which my kids are not entirely privy to. We also agreed to reevaluate our choices every 5 years or more often as circunmstances change.

My DS19 will not have a guardian, nor do i expect him to care for his sibs. He is not a caregiver by nature, although he is a very nice kid. He has his own growing up to do.

My 12yo was disappointed when i told her who her guardian would be, should we die, but then she got over it. She's a roll-with-the-flow kinda kid. Her guardians are in a stable marriage and manage thier own money well.Their religious beliefs are similar to ours. They are both college educated and will see that she stays in contact with both sides of the family, and especially her older brother whom she is so close to.

My 10yo is severely mentally handicapped and we chose a different guardian for him. We felt it would be too much for one person to take them both. He will also go to a family with no other children. Both guardians are college-educated and manage their money well. This guardian will probably also be responsible for placing him in a group home eventually. Ultimately, my DD12 will be DS10s guardian, after she turns 25.

Our attorney put it this way: "Who would be better that foster care if you died yesterday?" Yike! That put it into perspective. There will never be parents as good as you, so forget finding the "perfect" guardian. They don't exist.

 

[chrissyk]

We don't have kids, but I don't think that I'd give them a say. We have our own reasons for choosing who we'd choose.

I was actually very surprised when I learned who my parents had chosen as guardian for us when we were growing up. I didn't find out until after I was an adult, mostly because I never thought to ask. I assumed that my grandparents would have been our guardians, but I was wrong. Needless to say, I still find their choice interesting, but luckily it never came to pass! I'm sure that they had their own reasons for choosing this person, though, and I have to respect that.

 

[froglady]

DD is beyond guardian age now, but DS is not. DD (22) will not be his guardian, as I believe it would be too much responsibility for her until she is older. By the time she's old enough, DS will be heading off to college, so it would be more of a financial/holidays situation.

DS did not really have any input, but we chose the same people he would choose if given any say in the matter, as this would involve the least disruption to his life.

 

[septbride2002]

My husband and I have discussed this at great length. We do not want to choose his sister because we worry that with their money issues that they would not be able to handle additional children. Not to mention that I do not believe they would treat our children the same as their own.

My brother and his girlfriend are not really an option, they can barely take care of the little family we have.

Neither one our parents are options as they are getting older and I would not want to shoulder them with this responsibility.

Ultimately when the time comes we will probably discuss this with my one cousin and his soon-to-be wife. They have the same belief system and DH and I. They are great with money, higher education, and they will give my children a lot of love without spoiling them. All the money we leave the children will go into a trust that my mother will control until her death at which point it would pass to my cousin.

~Amanda

 

[NMAmy]

We did all this last year. Basically, it helps to give guardianship to a trustworthy set of people and then give stewardship over money to another set. That way, the guardians aren't doing it to get the money. They have to work with the stewards over what is best for the children.

Thank you for bringing this up, Frantasmic. I hadn't really thought about stewardship over the money. DD's dad and I are divorced so she would obviously go to him if something should happen to me (we have joint custody.) But I really don't want him to have control of our money--none of it would be around for dd when she reached the age of 18. I would definitely list my sister as the steward of dd's money.

 

[Marla Hellwig]

For my daughter I have a "list" depending on who is alive at the time etc., or who would be able to take her - once again depending on their age etc., for my brother if he were to end up with her, I have it clearly stated that for her financial well being, the lawyer "controls" the money until she has graduated from college and/or graduate school. My brother would do a good job (I hope) but he has no money sense what so ever

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Right now my parents would get guardianship and money control. I trust no one else with the money besides my Dad.

In a year or 2 we will switch to DH's Sister and her DH. We do not have them now because SIL is in college until next December. Plus my kids will grow up knowing DH's side better. I can't imagine shipping them off to KY where my Sister lives. Where they live is totally different from here.

 

[snoopy]

Do you let your children have a say in who takes care of them, if you are gone?

I didn't the first time, but then they weren't here the first time. I just talked to kelsea about this at the bus stop. lol

I don't know what you mean by "the first time" Laurie? The first will?

We've only appointed one guardian for our children, and that is my brother (the doctor) and his wife (a professor at Yale). They have 7 children of their own -- 3 they had biologically, and 4 they adopted. The 3 oldest are grown and out of the house, but if something were to happen to us they would have 6 children all around the same age. I did o.k. it with them and they were fine with it.

Luke told me the other day he doesn't want to go to Uncle Will because they don't let their kids watch TV. Which isn't completely true, they just monitor the TV watching pretty closely. He'd prefer to go to his Uncle Rick (other side of the family) who have a much more lenient approach to childrearing (which is my nice way of saying they are a bunch of scary hillbillies! )

 

[Bob Slydell]

The boys are 5 and 5 months old, so no, they didn't have a say. Actually, that's one thing that we have to update our will for. Our current will has my in-laws as guardians for Cameron (Ryan's not in the will currently). But with the death of FIL and the addition of Ryan, we don't think that MIL would be able to handle raising both boys by herself, so we're going to switch guardianship to a friend of our family.

 

[newholidayx2]

When DS was baptized my father was his Godfather (passed away in 1994), a friend of ours is his Godmother.
We asked her then if anything happened if she would take over DSs care and she said yes.
Its always been spoken about but we finally legalized his guardianship this past Aug when we had our will drawn up.

 

[thelittlemermaid]

My two are to young to choose. Bad part is DH and I are both only children.

We don't have a will, as of yet, and have no clue who we would pick for guardians for our children.

My mom passed away in 99 and there is no way my dad could take care of them himself. He's engaged right now, has been for about 5 years, with no plans on getting married yet. AS for DH's parents, I don't think so! MIL has made a comment to me that she can only stand to be around the kids for a couple of hours, then they have to go home. What would she do if she had to take care of them 24/7.

As for cousins, DH and I aren't close to any of them to ask them to take care of DS and DD. Friends, since they have kids of their own it's very unlikley.

Then we have another thing to consider is DD, who has Down Syndrome. We have to make sure who ever we choose makes sure she gets everything she needs and goes to all her doctor and specialest appointments. Plus is willing to fight for her when it comes to school and her IEP. Pretty BIG task to ask of someone.