Sorority Rush

[swanmom]

So sorry that your daughter is going through this. My DD said that many of her friends on other campuses had insiders pulling for them - through connections they had made at summer sleep away camps or through family connections. And that they pretty much knew before they went who would get priority for bids.

I am so glad that my DD's college doesn't allow fraternities or sororities. She says that, since everyone is in the same boat, the whole student body is more open to meeting new people and is more likely to find a more diverse group of friends that is inclusive and not exclusive.

 

[Marymom]

My daughter went through rush at a very competitive SEC school this fall. It was an extremely stressful experience for ME! She did not have a perfect dance card, in fact she only was left with one Pref party in the end! She is so happy and even says the process was worth it because it ended with her sorority!

I wish your daughter had stuck it out and gave the sororities left a chance. Those girls wanted her and she would have been a great asset to them.

 

[JamesMom]

I remember my first rush week and getting no bids Yea, it was a bummer when I thought things were going so well.
Oh well.
I met a few other rush flunkies and we started our own local social sorority. Granted we didn't have all the bling and flash (like housing) as the nationals do, but we created our own traditions and t-shirts and served on the Panhellenic council. Our standards for membership were good character and standing with the university and enthusiasm for the group. That's it! When I graduated the group had initiated over 40 women and continued on for a few more years before disbanding. We had a philanthropy we raised money for and other community service projects, a scholarship program, and partied with a neighboring university frats. We had composite pictures, initiation badges, drops, and a semi-formal dance in the fall as well as a banquet in the spring. It was fun and I still facebook with some of my 'sisters' almost twenty years later.

 

[mjkacmom]

My daughter went through rush at a very competitive SEC school this fall. It was an extremely stressful experience for ME! She did not have a perfect dance card, in fact she only was left with one Pref party in the end! She is so happy and even says the process was worth it because it ended with her sorority!

I wish your daughter had stuck it out and gave the sororities left a chance. Those girls wanted her and she would have been a great asset to them.

I'm curious about the demographics of the sororities she didn't want. I was in a sorority, and all of my friends decided to pledge the same one. It was fun, but my college experience was not all about greek life.

 

[pryncess527]

And I would never paint all sorority GIRLS with the same brush, but I do stand by my assertion that the RUSH part of a sorority does seem to encompass all the things we teach our children NOT to do or be. Sorry, but that's how it seems to the majority of people, even those who are Greek.

You are absolutely right. I was in a sorority in college, and to be honest, the first time I had to go through rush from the sister's standpoint, I was disgusted. What shocked me was how much influence our ALUMNA had. There were girls that every single sister wanted to keep, but some bossy alums exercised way too much control over who we were allowed to keep, for reasons that were never explained to me. That may not be true in all cases, but it was my experience. My experience was also not like any job interview I ever had, thank god

Ditto those who mentioned informal rush, another chance could come along. And some of my best friends in college weren't Greek at all -- one of my best girl friends wasn't greek but was my "date" to almost all my sorority formals because my now-DH lived in another state.

 

[madge]

You know I believe it is a blessing in disguise,if she is this broken up after not getting what she wants - now is she mean for rejecting the ones who wanted her in their sorority?

mean? no, she's not mean for declining their invitation. she's SMART for not pledging the group she felt did not feel most connected to. with that said, the girls in houses who did extend a bid probably feel disappointed ... but that's all part of going through sorority rush.

She would never survive pledge process.

do you know something about this school, chapter, or national sorority the OP is referring to?

I firmly believe it changed when we started giving every child a trophy, and instead of the winner is.. - the emmy goes to. Hurt feelings are apart of the world - feel for her but . She will not always be the winner

what changed? sorority rush? no way. the only change in rush I've seen in the last 30 years is the ebb and flow of girls rushing. there was a period of years that it wasn't as popular as it had been or as it is now. (many schools are reporting record numbers at recruitment this fall) many posters have shared possible reasons for why OP daughter didn't get a bid. none of those reasons matter much when it's your child that's hurting. rush is brutal. it happens in the heat of summer, you're with people you don't know, sleeping in a new place, eating new foods, away from home ... it's terribly stressful & overwhelming. my mother taught me early on not to expect a legacy bid for her sorority ... she had written alumni recommendations for years and no one from our small town ever got one, and I had blonde hair. as it turns out, I went to a different school & pledged something completely different. (her sorority didn't have a house at the school I attended) I wouldn't trade my experience for anything ... and I've loved following along what my DS girl friends have pledged this fall. I love that greek life is making a comeback.

DS started fraternity recruitment yesterday. I have my fingers crossed for him, for whatever it is he wants. well, except that one fraternity that was DH's rival ... he can't join that one.

 

[LisaR]

Sorry this is long.

I was 150% against Greek life and was shocked when DD said last summer that she might rush in her freshman year. She is so not a typical sorority girl, imo. I convinced her to wait until either her second semester of freshman year or her sophomore year. She actually listened to me and waited!

DD made a great group of core friends (none in Greek life) her first semester and most will end up being lifelong friends. She also got involved in so many other things (honors, intramural sports, volunteering, two different clubs) so I was beyond shocked when she told us over Christmas that she was going to rush in the spring. I just didn't get it. She had plenty of friends and was very active and loving college. Why did she need a sorority?

She did say she was so happy she waited because it gave her an entire semester to get to know the different sororities. She knew the one she wanted and if she couldn't get in, she was okay with it. She got a bid on the first day so it wasn't even a very stressful process for her.

I have softened in time and am now only 90% anti-Greek life! Honestly, it really depends on the college. Her school does NOT have houses and I think that makes all the difference. She spends her time with these girls making crafts and doing philanthropy work. They are not the party going, hooking up, mean girl types I was envisioning. If DD wants to party, she does it with her core group of friends. I'm honestly just shocked at how "innocent" the sorority life is, at least at DD's college. They are downright boring if you ask me!

As for the mean girl persona, DD told me she met a girl this fall who was the reason people have such a bad impression of sororities. She had her little posse of mean girl friends and is just a rotten person. While that small group did irritate DD, like she said, she also knows groups on campus who are just like that who aren't in a sorority. You will always find those people all over in life.

DD is very happy. She said it was her goal to be extremely involved with as much as possible during her college years and the sorority is part of that plan. Greek life is far from her entire life.

One thing I did tell her before she rushed was that being turned downed was going to be absolutely heartbreaking for her generation. I'm sure it was tough in my day, but as someone mentioned, I didn't live in a time when everyone was a winner. We tried to raise our kids in the same way, but it is tough when society goes against your plan. When her softball team (5 y/o) lost every single game, they ended up with a trophy that was taller than most of the kids! Rejection is never easy, but I really do think it is harder for this generation.

I really think college is what you make of it. A sorority shouldn't make or break your experience or define you.

 

[SydSim]

For me, sororities as an entity aren't bad. They're just another club that organizes activities and such. My problem is how one gets to join said club.

Most college clubs and organizations are open to anyone - sign up, show up and you're in there! Greek life is different in that you have a group of people judging you in order to be accepted. Now let's be real, you've just met these girls - how much can they really know you? Appearance comes into play (hair, clothes, shape, accessories, etc.) Speaking skills (anyone can put on a good show for an interview but does that show them the true you?) are critiqued. And there's the old "it's who you know" aspect.

People can rave about making lifelong friendships in sororities, but you can say that about any club - even the ones that don't utilize an intake judging process.

And for the record, I became a little sister to a fraternity and I was interested in joining a sorority, although their intake process was vastly different than what we're talking about here. For me, it was about being part of a cool group of girls on campus. I was all about image back then

 

[Laura66]

Sorry this is long.

I was 150% against Greek life and was shocked when DD said last summer that she might rush in her freshman year. She is so not a typical sorority girl, imo. I convinced her to wait until either her second semester of freshman year or her sophomore year. She actually listened to me and waited!

DD made a great group of core friends (none in Greek life) her first semester and most will end up being lifelong friends. She also got involved in so many other things (honors, intramural sports, volunteering, two different clubs) so I was beyond shocked when she told us over Christmas that she was going to rush in the spring. I just didn't get it. She had plenty of friends and was very active and loving college. Why did she need a sorority?

She did say she was so happy she waited because it gave her an entire semester to get to know the different sororities. She knew the one she wanted and if she couldn't get in, she was okay with it. She got a bid on the first day so it wasn't even a very stressful process for her.

I have softened in time and am now only 90% anti-Greek life! Honestly, it really depends on the college. Her school does NOT have houses and I think that makes all the difference. She spends her time with these girls making crafts and doing philanthropy work. They are not the party going, hooking up, mean girl types I was envisioning. If DD wants to party, she does it with her core group of friends. I'm honestly just shocked at how "innocent" the sorority life is, at least at DD's college. They are downright boring if you ask me!

As for the mean girl persona, DD told me she met a girl this fall who was the reason people have such a bad impression of sororities. She had her little posse of mean girl friends and is just a rotten person. While that small group did irritate DD, like she said, she also knows groups on campus who are just like that who aren't in a sorority. You will always find those people all over in life.

DD is very happy. She said it was her goal to be extremely involved with as much as possible during her college years and the sorority is part of that plan. Greek life is far from her entire life.

One thing I did tell her before she rushed was that being turned downed was going to be absolutely heartbreaking for her generation. I'm sure it was tough in my day, but as someone mentioned, I didn't live in a time when everyone was a winner. We tried to raise our kids in the same way, but it is tough when society goes against your plan. When her softball team (5 y/o) lost every single game, they ended up with a trophy that was taller than most of the kids! Rejection is never easy, but I really do think it is harder for this generation.

I really think college is what you make of it. A sorority shouldn't make or break your experience or define you.

Sounds exactly like my daughters story. She's held exec offices on hers as well.
I can tell you to the connections and friends she's made have been wonderful.

 

[DizBelle]

Why on earth would it be "mean"'to decline a pledge invitation.

Girls cried when I was in school 20 years ago. If you have your heart set on something and it all seemed like it would be a sure thing, how would you not be disappointed? Being upset over a rejection is not in any way indicative that she "would not survive the pledge process". Unless you condone hazing. I'm grateful that my pledge process was not like that.

No--it all changed when sororities began and recruited girls based on appearances and fitting their "ideal". That existed long before trophies for showing up.

Having been in the Greek system--it should not be a shock that they can be mean. It doesn't mean that happened here. But as OP has never rushed herself, it would seem that if you had the inside scoop that you could set her straight without insulting her parenting. Were you in a sorority by chance?

Re: bolded - if you would consider it "mean" to not extend a bid, then likewise it is "mean" to not accept one. It's the same thing but the rejection is on the other side.

 

[madge]

Re: bolded - if you would consider it "mean" to not extend a bid, then likewise it is "mean" to not accept one. It's the same thing but the rejection is on the other side.

Disappointing ... that's what it is. The Rushee is disappointed when a bid isn't what she hoped. A sorority is disappointed when a Rushee doesn't accept their bid. It's a two-way street.

However, A Rushee can make the choice to "suicide" by only choosing one sorority on Pref night. By doing that, she would limit herself to the possibility of getting no bid at all. Equally devastating, but it would eliminate the need for turning down an offer from a house she isn't interested in.

 

[emma'smom]

There was an intricate process that led up to the final vote...but in the end...

All it takes is one black ball (at least that's how we did it back in the day)...and that black ball could be for any reason---so it may have been that one person wanted someone else moved up a list, wanted a legacy to fill the spot instead, etc.

 

[DeaverTex]

There was an intricate process that led up to the final vote...but in the end...

All it takes is one black ball (at least that's how we did it back in the day)...and that black ball could be for any reason---so it may have been that one person wanted someone else moved up a list, wanted a legacy to fill the spot instead, etc.

I was wondering if anyone would bring this up. That's what I remember too. You didn't have to vote on a candidate you weren't positive about -- you could abstain -- but one negative vote and it was all over for that candidate. I wasn't a Greek, but the honors society I was a member of worked that way (Society of the Scabbard and Blade), and my Greek friends told me that the frats and sororities did too.

Sorry, ladies! I promise to stay out of this thread now.

 

[aprilgail2]

Our kids wanted no part of Greek life and I have to agree with you, it goes against everything we've taught our kids about being good people. I know there are plenty that will tell you otherwise, but from everything I've heard, read, been told, it's just all about wearing the right clothing, having the right purse, posing the right way for photos, etc, and is really nothing of substance. .

I went through the whole sorority thing even though I am NOT sorority material because all my friends in my dorm were doing it, and I didn't want to be left out.

It turned out to be the most humbling and horrible social experience of my life. As someone who is shy and not very social, I have never felt so judged and on display in my life. They looked at your shoes, your clothes, your hair, EVERYTHING that really doesn't matter in a person. In my opinion, there wasn't a single genuine or original person in the place. And I can't fake respect for people like that.

In my opinion, you are paying for friends, and that kind was not worth the price. This is just my opinion so sorority sisters can slam me all they want... but I consider it a very high compliment not to be sorority material.

Good for your daughter. Sororities are a silly relic.

Sororities are like the "mean girls" in high school that just carry over to college. They judge what you are wearing, what you do and who you are- why anyone would intentionally put themselves in that position is beyond me.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Re: bolded - if you would consider it "mean" to not extend a bid, then likewise it is "mean" to not accept one. It's the same thing but the rejection is on the other side.

Yeah--no.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Re: bolded - if you would consider it "mean" to not extend a bid, then likewise it is "mean" to not accept one. It's the same thing but the rejection is on the other side.

Sororities are like the "mean girls" in high school that just carry over to college. They judge what you are wearing, what you do and who you are- why anyone would intentionally put themselves in that position is beyond me.

Essentially a beauty pageant with the token academic and service mention.

(This isn't to say there is zero value in sororities, but it is quite pageant like. At least at my school.)


My least favorite part of my own sorority was the mandatory attendance at socials. If it was your group's night--you had to find a sub if you could not go or pay a fine. I had little cash in school and no one would ever sub for me. Had I would have known we were closing and all fines would be deleted, my fall semester would have had better academic results. So while they "cared" about academics, they did not care about my academics.

(The only excused absence was a scheduled class that met on the social night. 7am Calc II tests be darned.)

 

[mom2rtk]

Sororities are like the "mean girls" in high school that just carry over to college. They judge what you are wearing, what you do and who you are- why anyone would intentionally put themselves in that position is beyond me.

I pledged Gamma Delta Iota myself.

I went to a school dripping with old money. I'm sure they were amused with me. I only tried rush because I was new and looking for a place to fit in. In retrospect, I can't believe I did that.

 

[Pamlur]

There aren't any balls of any color used in today's membership selection. The whole thing is done by a complicated computer program utilized by every chapter.

 

[NewRVLady]

The girls who were in sororities , back in my day, are still the slightly snobby "look at all my clubs and activities" and 'look who I know and where I go" types. and we all have grandkids

The guys in Fraternities weren't this way

I was totally anti Greek. I had one artsy creative son-and one preppy son in college.
First son had a great group of music and artist friends.
The preppy one joined a Fraternity and loved it. several of his friends got into the same fraternity.
And I have to say-now 10 years out of college those connections have paid off in a huge circle of people who know people and help with his local sales job.

 

[LBIJim]

There aren't any balls of any color used in today's membership selection. The whole thing is done by a complicated computer program utilized by every chapter.

I thought the black ball rejection was passe by the early 1970s, but apparently it went on much longer than that. My college used a much less complicated computer program even in the late 70s. The selection process for all frats and sororities was supervised by the IFC and Panhellenic council. Members submitted their votes for new pledges to the councils. No opportunity for one member who was immature or held a grudge to ruin a pledge's chances with a black ball.

The girls who were in sororities , back in my day, are still the slightly snobby "look at all my clubs and activities" and 'look who I know and where I go" types. and we all have grandkids

The guys in Fraternities weren't this way

There was a wide range of sorority types, from the snobby to the very laid back. You picked the ones where you felt comfortable and hoped the members felt the same about you.

Some frats with the preppy reputation were as equally snobby as the most stuck up sororities. But in general, frats didn't put as much emphasis on superficial things as did sororities.