Something my mother said to me tonight really bothered me...

[starrzone]

A bit of background...

1) I've never been a "small" person. 5.5 years ago, through a lot of hard work and determination, I lost a large amount of weight. It has come back, and more, over the past 2 years or so due to stress, depression and medication I'm taking.

2) My cousin (H) just got engaged to her boyfriend of 4 years last week. She's a very, very nice person, and not pretentious in the least, but she does have firm ideas of what she likes and doesn't like

Ok, onto tonight. I walked into my parents' house and my mother asked "Have you gone to the gym this week?" I said no, because a) the week just started yesterday, and b) my schedule this week is sort of crazy. She then went on to say "You've put on a lot of weight. Don't you care how you look? If you lose a few pounds, you might meet H's weight criteria to be in her wedding".

In the past, I would have lashed out with a smart-aleck comment and we would have gotten into a shouting match. However, tonight I said "THANK you so much for the comment!" and left it at that. The thing is, in the past when I've said that her comments hurt me, she says (and I know she truly believes it) "I'm just trying to help you". I have an aunt who is quite obese, and I have no doubt that my mother really IS trying to help me lose weight, but geeze, is telling your daughter that she's too fat right now to meet her cousin's standards to be in her wedding "helping"? The kicker is that my cousin would NEVER not pick me to be in her wedding due to my size; she is NOT that type of person at all!

*sigh* thanks for listening...things like that bother me even though it might not show. It's useless telling her she's hurting me because she just doesn't listen. At least I have someone in my life who likes me just as I am

 

[EMom]

Clearly, you have more patience than I. I would have turned on my heel and left.

 

[Jennasis]

Family...can't live with 'em...can't drive 'em out to the desert and leave 'em for dead.

 

[turkeymama]

Family...can't live with 'em...can't drive 'em out to the desert and leave 'em for dead.

Good one, I might have to borrow that one sometime.

OP, I think we all have these problems with our families in some form or fashion. Good for you for not giving in to the temptation to lash out. Your response to the comment was a much healthier way for you to handle the situation. My grandmother was the same way with her comments to one of my aunts, and she really thought she was helping too. Hang in there. In the meantime,

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

My new phrase with my mother when she says something inappropriate is to tell her "Mom, that is inappropriate of you to say."

It kind of stops her in her tracks and there is almost no defense for someone trying to claim it is appropriate to mention something so crass.

And funny, topics I have done this with--don't get brought up again.


I had relatives tell me at my wedding that I looked "much better" than the bride in the adjacent area a another wedding. The only reason was--b/c the bride next door was clearly plus sized. I couldn't believe the comments. Thankfully they only came from my aunts and not my mom. Some people--regardless of what they claim, can't look past the fluffiness.

So I just wouldn't even hear her comments anymore nor comment on anything about yourself that suggests an healthier lifestyle as you will open the door to much more "but I just worry about you" comments. The one thing I hate is when people feel the need to validate my good choices as though I wouldn't have thought of them without their commentary.

And bride's who have weight criteria are self-righteous bridezillas who probably care more about the appearance they are setting forth at a wedding and not so much on the wedding vows. (pick dresses that work for any of those whom you care to WANT in the wedding, not that make for pretty pictures in their sick and twisted minds.). I wouldn't want to be in a wedding that only wants me if I'm a certain size. Yuck!

 

[surfergirl602]

having a weight requirement for a wedding seems a little bit snooty to me.... I would choose those in my wedding party because they deserve to be there, not for what they look like.

 

[dakcp2001]

Your mom was way out of line. I don't think anyone should aspire to be in the wedding of someone so shallow that they choose their bridal party by appearance or weight. Yuck to the bride. And yuck to your mom for that thoughtless comment.

 

[Poohbear123]

Family...can't live with 'em...can't drive 'em out to the desert and leave 'em for dead.

REALLY?!!..........Getting into heading back to Desert.... Sorry OP..like me YOU will lose the weight when the TIME is right for YOU!

 

[mom2maggie]

A weight requirement for a wedding sounds like a wedding I wouldn't want to participate in, regardless of how in shape I was.

Be the best you YOU can be, HOWEVER you look, and leave it at that!

 

[redlight]

If you lose a few pounds, you might meet H's weight criteria to be in her wedding".

Your cousin has a weight requirement to be in her wedding? Did I read that right?

Hugs to you.

 

[holycow]

Ah, HUGS to you!

Gotta love those moms even if they like to stick it to us.

My mom used to be the same way. They even gave a scale to us one Christmas. My sister had a talk with her and for some reason it sunk in she hasn't said 'too much' since.


Be happy and thankful for who you are! I've learned in this journey of life we need to love ourselves enough to take care of ourselves. It has only taken me 47 yrs. to figure that one out!

 

[robinb]

I think I'm missing something. Does you cousin have a "weight requirement" or is your mom just making things up in a poor attempt to motivate you to lose weight?

 

[Skywalker]

Reminds me of my mom!

A couple of years ago my cousin lost a lot of weight and she sent me some of her old work clothes to see if I would like any. So, my mom gave them to me and said, "These are Sandra's clothes, she wanted to see if you'd like any." And then she continued, "Since she lost all that weight they don't fit her anymore." Yeah gee thanks mom I get the point. And then, just in case I didn't, she concludes with, "They're her fat clothes."

Just this past week my mom said, "Have you seen pictures of Chelsea Clinton lately? She used to have hair like yours but now it looks nice." Oh holy crap, laugh or cry Skywalker, laugh or cry.

(I do love her so much though, I think some people just don't think).

 

[redlight]

Reminds me of my mom!

A couple of years ago my cousin lost a lot of weight and she sent me some of her old work clothes to see if I would like any. So, my mom gave them to me and said, "These are Sandra's clothes, she wanted to see if you'd like any." And then she continued, "Since she lost all that weight they don't fit her anymore." Yeah gee thanks mom I get the point. And then, just in case I didn't, she concludes with, "They're her fat clothes."

Just this past week my mom said, "Have you seen pictures of Chelsea Clinton lately? She used to have hair like yours but now it looks nice." Oh holy crap, laugh or cry Skywalker, laugh or cry.

(I do love her so much though, I think some people just don't think).

My sympathies.

On the other hand, I have relatives who think I am skin and bones, and I'm (a little) overweight according to the BMI.

 

[Buckalew11]

I think I'm missing something. Does you cousin have a "weight requirement" or is your mom just making things up in a poor attempt to motivate you to lose weight?

I think she said her cousin wouldn't be that shallow and it is all her mom.

That's darn rude.

However, I bet she really cares (for many reasons) and really wants you to lose the weight. Sad that comments like that just don't motivate us as much as they think they do.

 

[minkydog]

We must have the same mother. My mother really truly thinks she's helping by making comments like "Here we sit, getting fatter by the minute"--and by WE she means ME. She has said to me twice, "What does your doctor say about all the fat around your middle?" Twice I have told her that my doctor isn't happy with it and I am working hard to get the weight under control. My weight is not up for discussion. Hell's bells, I've lost 36-lbs since April!

I'm really sorry your mom is being so insensitive. I think it is entirely appropriate to call her on it. "Mom, when you make unkind comments about my weight, I feel humiliated. I need you to not make suggestions or comments about my weight." Use the old broken record technique--when she starts up, say "I'm not going to discuss my weight." Keep saying it every. single. time. Warn her that if she continues you will leave--and then do it. Same on the phone--hang up. You don't have to keep letting her say ugly things to you in the guise of "helping." She may call herself "helping" but what she's doing is actually rather passive-aggressive. She thinks that by making your feel bad it will jolt you into magically losing weight. Oy! If only it were that easy. I'd weigh 78-lbs it that were so.

 

[Stacerita]

Some mothers just don't get it, even if they have the best intentions. The other day my mother told my boyfriend that he looked like he has lost some weight. Without taking a breath, she looks at me and says, did you find it? All I could say was "wow.....reallly?.....wow"

 

[bumbershoot]

I'm aghast at all the things people say. And Stacerita, 'cuz I know you...


I shouldn't be surprised; my MIL does it. Second time I saw her, I'd gained a few pounds (she met me, as did now-hubby, after about 6 months of very successfully Weight Watchers, on a downswing in weight, and once we started dating we went out to eat often, so some showed back up). She went on and on..."oh you got so fat, how you get so fat?" and on and on and on... Now I know that's nothing for her. Our son is small. I was small until went on the pill for under a year, probably about 40-50 pounds found me and I've been fighting them ever since (it's been OVER 10 years), but my MIL REFUSES to believe me...hubby's always been a bigger guy, as a kid he was definitely "Husky", but she had hi on a diet from 3 years old...she will go on every other time she sees us about how our son takes after my brother, because my brother is thin. I finally told her he's thin now, but wasn't always. Augh. And the things she says to DH.

So I shouldn't be surprised, but I guess deep down I wish all moms were nice to their kids...

At least when my mom was around, if she noticed a couple pounds creeping onto me, she'd say that SHE wanted to take more walks, and she'd simply invite me along!

 

[eliza61]

*sigh* thanks for listening...things like that bother me even though it might not show. It's useless telling her she's hurting me because she just doesn't listen. At least I have someone in my life who likes me just as I am

Mom's can be very "tone" deaf when they dole out "motherly" advice. I can't even begin to tell you all the little "pearls of wisdom" my mom doled out.

Family...can't live with 'em...can't drive 'em out to the desert and leave 'em for dead.

You got that one right!!!

 

[golfgal]

having a weight requirement for a wedding seems a little bit snooty to me.... I would choose those in my wedding party because they deserve to be there, not for what they look like.

Your mom was way out of line. I don't think anyone should aspire to be in the wedding of someone so shallow that they choose their bridal party by appearance or weight. Yuck to the bride. And yuck to your mom for that thoughtless comment.

NO KIDDING-can you imagine what kind of Bridezilla she is going to be

OP, I would politely tell your mom that if she continues to talk to you like that then you are going to find it difficult to be around her.