Someone May Be Stalking My Daughter

[Mrs. Ciz]

I need some guidance. Someone may be stalking my daughter.

My daughter is a recent-ish college grad. Some guy is going to a lot of trouble to find out her name/who she is, and it is freaking her out. She still has admin access on her sorority’s Instagram page. Earlier this week, the guy sent that account a DM and included one of her graduation pictures (with her sorority stole, university, and grad year visible) asking for her name and contact information. He said he had found some things that belonged to her and that the picture he attached was with them. This is FALSE. The picture he used is a digital photo that has never been printed. It has never been posted to the sorority Instagram page either. It is on my daughter’s Facebook page, but that page is private. So she has no idea how he got the picture. Plus, my daughter isn’t missing any items. As an admin, my daughter blocked the guy from her sorority’s Instagram page.

Then a few days later, she saw her same grad picture with the same request pop up on the University Class of 20- - page. The guy got himself added to that page after she blocked him on the sorority Instagram page. She’s contacted the admin of the University Class of 20- - page to have the post removed because she’s worried that someone who knows her will tag her, and then he’ll have her name. With her name, he can find out where she works, etc.

She looked at (didn’t friend him of course) his Facebook profile to see if they had any friends in common. They don’t. Very little of his info is visible. Most of his friend profiles that she saw were of women in suggestive/revealing outfits. This made her even more uncomfortable.

As her mother, this is making me very uneasy. Are there any other steps she needs to take or anything else she should do? She’s asked for my help.

 

[mrsstats79]

I would contact the police.

 

[Travel60]

Wow, creepy. The guy could probably get her name from a yearbook if there is one. Can she let her girlfriends/sorority sisters know what's going on in case one of them either knows him or is getting similar DMs?

The only other thing I can think of is to check the states' judiciary website if there is one.... For example, in Maryland, google "Maryland Judiciary" and in Virginia "Virginia Judiciary". You can look him up by name to see if he has a record. It might be called something else in other states.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

Wow, creepy. The guy could probably get her name from a yearbook if there is one. Can she let her girlfriends/sorority sisters know what's going on in case one of them either knows him or is getting similar DMs?

The only other thing I can think of is to check the states' judiciary website if there is one.... For example, in Maryland, google "Maryland Judiciary" and in Virginia "Virginia Judiciary". You can look him up by name to see if he has a record. It might be called something else in other states.

Thank you for the State Judiciary idea. We are going to look him up. Her university does have a yearbook, but she never had her picture taken for it. So he can’t find her that way. Thank goodness.

She is going to tell her friends what’s happening so they can be on the lookout, let her know if he contacts any of them, and so they know not to give him any info.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

I would contact the police.

I suggested that even though she has graduated she could contact the university police department and ask for their help. She’s worried that might be an overreaction, but she’s considering it.

I keep thinking, “Better safe than sorry.”

 

[Buzz Rules]

Contact the police for guidance.

 

[kymom99]

This is scary. I hope you get the help you need.

 

[Imzadi]

Does she know any big guys at the school, like on the football team, or anyone has a big beefy brother at that school who can write the guy back and say, "That's my girlfriend, Ethel." [Make sure he uses a name as far from DD's name as possible, so if the guy keeps looking for her, he will be searching in the wrong direction.] "I'll meet you to pick up the stuff. What's your address?" If he has a photo at school showing how big and tough he is, all the better.

I doubt the guy will even show up, especially as he doesn't really have anything of your DD's. Yet, according to security expert, Gavin de Becker, if the "stalker" has tendencies to fixate on women, he will likely move onto his next target of fascination. Bad for her, but safer for your DD.

 

[Dan Murphy]

I suggested that even though she has graduated she could contact the university police department and ask for their help. She’s worried that might be an overreaction, but she’s considering it.

I keep thinking, “Better safe than sorry.”

Not over reacting at all. We all hear stories ha make the news of things like this. Sad endings.

 

[sk!mom]

Does she know any big guys at the school, like on the football team, or anyone has a big beefy brother at that school who can write the guy back and say, "That's my girlfriend, Ethel." [Make sure he uses a name as far from DD's name as possible, so if the guy keeps looking for her, he will be searching in the wrong direction.] "I'll meet you to pick up the stuff. What's your address?" If he has a photo at school showing how big and tough he is, all the better.

I doubt the guy will even show up, especially as he doesn't really have anything of your DD's. Yet, according to security expert, Gavin de Becker, if the "stalker" has tendencies to fixate on women, he will likely move onto his next target of fascination. Bad for her, but safer for your DD.

Are you serious? In today’s world? Why endanger others?

OP, please have her contact the police- Uni and otherwise. They should have good advice.

 

[mylilnikita]

She’s worried that might be an overreaction, but she’s considering it.

I keep thinking, “Better safe than sorry.”

She needs to make note of every “occurrence “ and contact the police outside the university. And since unthread the mention of Gavin De Becker, get her his book”the Gift of Fear”.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

She needs to make note of every “occurrence “ and contact the police outside the university. And since unthread the mention of Gavin De Becker, get her his book”the Gift of Fear”.

She has screen shots of the two attempts he’s made so far. Tomorrow I’m going to push her to report this to the police.

 

[RoseColored97]

I would file a report for record keeping, but unfortunately there isn't much that the police can do at this point. There really haven't been any threats based on what is written here. They're pretty limited with online stuff like this. I would encourage your daughter to take down her social media pages (everything: FB, Insta, Snap, LinkedIn) for a bit. It's a bummer, but it would help in giving some space both for her mental health and maybe he'll lose interest if he can't see her page anymore. No need to delete, just deactivating for a month or even a couple may help.

I'm also curious if you daughter has anyone that she doesn't know really well on her FB page? I know a lot of people add acquaintances or friends of friends, but it might be a good idea to pare down her list of connections. It may be someone being weird who is on her FB page and has access to her photos that created a second account.

 

[DLgal]

She should get off social media entirely. Scrub her profiles and then delete them. It's not worth it.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Yikes that is so scary! I doubt there is anything the police can do, but it would be worth talking to them for guidance. Probably taking a break from social media is a good idea as well.

 

[jalapeno_pretzel]

She is going to tell her friends what’s happening so they can be on the lookout, let her know if he contacts any of them, and so they know not to give him any info.

She should tell her place of employment as well.

 

[mom2rtk]

I 100% agree with taking down all social media ASAP.

She should contact police for advice, but unfortunately in the current age I doubt there's anything they can do. It's hard to get help to crimes that have been committed, let alone crimes you're afraid will happen.

I would be uneasy as well. She should carry pepper spray and be careful going out alone.

 

[serenitynow]

She should start a journal, with dates and details of ALL contact from the suspect. This will prove invaluable if later the police need to get involved.

 

[GoingSince1990]

She should get off social media entirely. Scrub her profiles and then delete them. It's not worth it.

I’m too old to be a social media expert but I understand from my daughter that for platforms like Instagram and TikTok you can set your profile to “private” so that only those you specifically give permission to (so actual family and friends) have access.

 

[DLgal]

I’m too old to be a social media expert but I understand from my daughter that for platforms like Instagram and TikTok you can set your profile to “private” so that only those you specifically give permission to (so actual family and friends) have access.

She needs to literally DELETE all her social media accounts.

She can start up new ones down the line, but she needs to break the connections she has to all her other social media linked accounts. Deleting is the only way.

BUT, yes, what you are saying is how I have always managed ALL my social media accounts. Keep the friends lists to people you actually know and have an ongoing relationship with, and keep your posts private to only those friends. Unfortunately, younger generations like to rack up friends lists so they feel more popular. That's how you open yourself up to dangerous behavior like this, though.