Somebody PLEASE, Make Me Laugh!

[1Prince2Princesses]

I'm having one of those days, and I could use a laugh. So, fire away!

If you choose to accept this mission.... keep it clean, please.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Clean???? Is that your way of telling me not to post on this thread, Robin? Fine, be that way...I'm off to take a shower...that's the only way I can be clean.

 

[1Prince2Princesses]

Clean???? Is that your way of telling me not to post on this thread, Robin? Fine, be that way...I'm off to take a shower...that's the only way I can be clean.

Ok... this thread has served its purpose.

 

[debbi801]

First a very dirty story...

A horse fell in the mud.










Now the clean one...
He took a bubble bath.



Here's something else to maybe amuse you...

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

 

[TheGoofster]

A couple of Stephen Wright jokes:

"The other day I installed a sky light in my roof. My upstairs neighbors weren't very pleased about it"

"I've written a couple of children's books - not on purpose"

"The other day I...no that wasn't me."

"When I was a boy I had a puppy. I named him Stay. It used to really confuse him. I would say, "come here Stay, come here Stay" The poor thing didn't know what to do".

"I have a light switch on my wall that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I would walk by and flip it just for the sake of it. The other day I got a letter from a lady in Germany saying "Knock it off".

"I broke a mirror yesterday, and am supposed to get 7 years of bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get me 3"

"Yesterday...no four years ago"

"It's a small world - I'd hate to paint it"

"I have a map of the United States - it's actual size. A friend of mine asked me where I live. I said E-12."

"What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?"

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I can't believe they are still doing it after all these years. Good old Fred and Barney"

"If you melt dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?"

"I once knew a man who had wooden legs - and real feet"

"Hey, I lost a button hole"

 

[1Prince2Princesses]

Funny people.

 

[ford family]

What about the little boy who got all upset because his sister had got two brothers and he'd only got one!

ford family

 

["Got Disney"]

Hi Robin...clean ha....lets see...okay

Here are some riddles.....

What did General Custer say to his men when he saw the Indians coming?????
















Answer...Here come the Indians....

 

[1Prince2Princesses]

[QUOTE="Got Disney";17402909]

Answer...Here come the Indians.... [/QUOTE]

That was one of the worst jokes I've ever heard. Its badness actually made me laugh.

 

["Got Disney"]

Okay okay heres another one....

What did George Washington say to his men before they got off the boat???????























Answer...Get off the boat men....... thats just tooooo funny...What...

 

["Got Disney"]

one more.. one more...see I have to tell them in 3ssssss

Who is bigger...Mrs. Bigger or Mrs. Biggers Baby????????





















Answer: Mrs. Biggers Baby cause he's just a little Bigger......
I know I'm sooooo funny...Thank you...thank you

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I'm back, took a shower, even washed my hair and shaved my legs (WooHoo, big day here!!! ) and I still can't do clean. Sorry, Robin. Maybe after lunch.

And you, of all people wanting clean...

 

[imsorry]

What did George Washington say to his men right before they crossed the Delaware???








It' coming...................











are you ready?




















for the punchline?












GET IN THE BOAT!!!!!!!!!

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

I don't think I know any clean jokes.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I don't think I know any clean jokes.

It's Robin's way of keeping the fun people away.

 

[laurajetter]

 

[KristiKelly]

Okay, here ya go (this is an e-mail I received, it did not happen to me):

I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already.

The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said:

"My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc.

At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom - where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet.

She called back, "No - I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

 

[1Prince2Princesses]

KristiKelly, did that happen to YOU? That is hilarious.


I am NOT trying to keep the fun people away. And I didn't mean CLEAN clean... I just meant... well, ok, honestly I was just trying to cover my own butt for when you all started being naughty.

 

[LaraK]

Here you go:

PREPARING FOR THE YEARLY MAMMOGRAM
Many women fear their first mammogram, and even if they you had them before, there is the fear. But, there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises in the privacy of your home.

EXERCISE 1: Open your refrigerator door, and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds.
Repeat in case the first time wasn't effective.

EXERCISE 2: Visit your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor sideways with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.
Switch sides, and repeat for the other breast.

EXERCISE 3: Freeze two metal bookends overnight.
Strip to the waist.
Invite a stranger into the room.
Have the stranger press the bookends against either side of one of your breasts and smash the bookends together as hard as he/she can.
Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year to do it again.

You are now properly prepared! Also, notice ladies:


MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? And, when we have real problems, it's HISterectomy

 

[KristiKelly]

No, I received it as an e-mail.

I guess I better add that to the post. People might think... well nevermind.

LaraK, I was about to post that one as well.