Some advice for a teen?

[PrincessTinkerbell]

Some advice needed: I'm a 20 year old, who attended an all-girl's high school and is now at university and is finding it incredibly difficult to meet, let alone make friends, with guys. I cannot seem to get past the fact that my interactions with boys have been zilch up until now. I always get super self-conscious whenever I meet anyone and can't seem to get past my fears of rejection.

Any advice? I feel like I'm not truly getting the college experience. I know its not that big of a deal when compared to world hunger/life-threatening crises...but it does bother me. I'm not the girl who goes out on the weekends and parties it up, either...so I feel that my morals are getting in the way of me meeting potential guy friends. Any encouraging words would be great

 

[diznygirl]

What's the old saying? Just be yourself. It actually works.

Relax. Don't think of every boy you meet as a potential boyfriend and you will be less nervous. Make friends first and the rest will come naturally.

 

[LindaR]

You are the same age as MY daughter. She is a junior.

Join clubs. Things that you find interesting or things you like to learn. Go to events (sporting or arts....whatever). Once people see you out and about then they will recognize that they've seen you before and that is an opening.

My daughter is very picky. She actually does not date because she is not willing to "settle" for someone that doesn't meet her standards. She's not lowering her standards.......she's just looking for someone that measures up!

Have fun.....socialize.......it will happen when it's supposed to happen!

 

[LindaR]

Oh and BTW, my daughter sometimes attends parties but she doesn't smoke/drink. She hangs with her friends and leaves when she's had enough! Just because you GO to a party does not mean that you must do things you do not WANT to.

 

[Plannin'Shannon]

My daughter is very picky. She actually does not date because she is not willing to "settle" for someone that doesn't meet her standards. She's not lowering her standards.......she's just looking for someone that measures up!

Am I your daughter???

OP, this was me up until a year ago. I'll be 21 in a week, and I lived by the words, "I don't date, I wait." My entire world was thrown for a loop when I lost my father on my 18th birthday. The last thing I was looking for was a "relationship." I waited. And the perfect guy for me was literally thrown into my life where and when I least expected him.

Enjoy your life, be who you really are, and the rest will fall into place.

Oh, and btw, there's no such thing as "the college experience." It's completely subjective. PM me if you ever want to talk.

 

[Seewhatimesdone]

I was in the same situation as you. I went to an all girls high school and never really thought about interactions with guys. To be honest it's not any different than talking with a girl. Sometimes it's even better because they can think a bit different than us and aren't so trivial. The fact that you party and have morals doesn't mean you can't have guy friends. That's not all guys do...In fact most of the party people I know are almost all female. Just find a point of interest, talk about things you like, make jokes, take it easy. It will come

 

[KandD]

You are the same age as MY daughter. She is a junior.

Join clubs. Things that you find interesting or things you like to learn. Go to events (sporting or arts....whatever). Once people see you out and about then they will recognize that they've seen you before and that is an opening.

My daughter is very picky. She actually does not date because she is not willing to "settle" for someone that doesn't meet her standards. She's not lowering her standards.......she's just looking for someone that measures up!

Have fun.....socialize.......it will happen when it's supposed to happen!

I agree with this.

I HATED dating. I hated everything about it, making small talk, getting to know each other, sharing a table over dinner with someone you hardly knew. The best fix I found was to date people I already "knew". People from class, clubs, work, whatever. I also found my dates a lot more successful when I already knew the person. Maybe go out in groups with guys you are interested in first so there is not so much pressure.
But most of all have fun! You don't want to look back and regret anything. Meeting guys and dating should not be uncomfortable or tortuous for you! It should be fun and a get away from your studies.
I think it is important to remember that the college experience doesn't necessarily mean that you need to be partying it up every weekend or going from guy to guy to guy. Everyone's experiences are different and you will probably be more in your comfort zone with other people who enjoy the things you enjoy. So like the above poster, I really suggest joining clubs so you can enjoy yourself (and maybe meet some guys who enjoy you interests as well!!)

 

[Minniemama350]

Think of your morales as a filter not a hindrance. Anyone truly worth making friends with will accept you with no changes necessary.

Consider this: Set a rule for yourself that you will not date this year, just make friends. When your focus changes, so will others perception of you. Boys often like girls that aren't looking for a boyfriend. If they feel like you just want a boyfriend, they don't handle it well and consequently can't handle you. Just remember you can't pretend to do this, you have to actually mean it and follow through. It worked for me!

 

[LindaR]

I hope this is not too much info. I wanted to give a little background and say a bit more.....

I raised my daughter by myself for 19 years with VERY little contact from her father. I did instill a good moral foundation but also gave her the opportunity while growing up to "make mistakes" while there was a safety net (me!) nearby.

So many kids are not given the opportunity to spread their wings and consequently "go wild" and make ALOT of poor choices once they are on their own.

My daughter lived in the dorms (apartment style) and was really "freaked out" by the "slutty" behavior and the sheer "nastiness" of the girls she shared space with.

For her own mental health (and my sanity too) she moved into a little apartment.

But she NEVER compromised HER standards. Not MY standards......hers. This is her life (just as it is yours) and she wants to live a life she is proud of and she has goals and dreams that she is working on making come true.

Be proud of yourself and BE yourself! There is a guy waiting for a girl like you. Give it time!

 

[MickeySP]

Be yourself, ITA don't think of every guy you meet as a potential lifemate.

Think how you talk to GFs and how you talk to men - is it different?

Guys are people to so just relax, be you and they will come.

Most of my best friends are men, and I treat therm just like people not like "guys"

 

[BeachGirlFLA]

I agree with just treating them like people. If something more is meant to be with one of them, it will happen. I went to an all-girls' school, too but for some reason it always seemed natural for me to treat the guys just like anyone else. My friends now are mostly guys.

 

[catycatcat4]

Act the same way as you would with your girl friends. Just don't talk about makeup or clothes or shopping for clothes.
I'm four years younger than you but i have sevral guy friends who i don't treat or think of any different than my girl friends.

 

[honugirl]

A good tip a guy friend of mine gave me once was to learn to enjoy doing things by yourself. When you master that, you can begin to master being with others. It really helps! Many people are uncomfortable being alone and are very self-conscious about it. I swear guys can sense that you don't like it and latch onto you for nefarious reasons...

I started doing things by myself and lo and behold, I gained a confidence about myself that drew people to me when I was out. Now I go anywhere I want to, talk to just about anyone (hey, I've got standards!), and I can enjoy myself whether I'm with others or alone (sometimes I actually prefer to do stuff alone 'cause I get to do what I want to do!) My family laughs at me 'cause I make friends with EVERYONE when I'm out. The grocery store clerk, the CM at WDW, people at the BBQ in Texas, etc...

I think the hardest lesson to learn was that I didn't need to compromise my morals for anyone else. If they can't handle my values, then they aren't people I need to be friends with. It took a long time to learn that.

 

[PrincessTinkerbell]

Thanks everyone for all the advice! It helps to know that there are other girls like me who aren't willing to settle for anything or compromise her values in college. The idea that college is a subjective experience really is helpful--I've never really viewed it like that; I've always subconciously thought that I must not be getting the "real deal", but it's reassuring to know that it is whatever I want to make it.

I am joining clubs, but I have very few guys in my classes because of my major, so I don't know any guys from my classes. And thanks for the advice to be myself and not be dependent on a guy; my good friend latched onto someone the first week of her freshman year of college and did not really work on making any other friends. I def. think that focusing on making friends and not dating would be helpful Thanks All!!!

 

[redlight]

Joining clubs is a good idea. Don't force it. It will come naturally.

 

[Narnian_Princess]

I'm 21, just moved to a new college as a junior, and 2 months ago I could have written the same paragraph you did. I don't party, I'm a bit awkward socially, I have very high standards and morals, and I've never had a boyfriend or dated. In fact, I wasn't even looking for a romantic relationship because I thought it could never happen to me.

But the very first time I went to my new church's small group on campus, I encountered a classmate I'd never spoken to before (but had been looking at). After the meeting he started talking to me (I would never have been brave enough to speak to him) and apparently I sufficiently impressed him, because within a day we had already become fast friends and I had a massive crush on him. Recently we talked and I found out he felt the same way about me, and though we decided to hold off dating until we know what the future holds, we still see each other nearly every day and getting our feelings out in the open has actually made things less awkward in some respects.

So the point of that was, as others have said, get involved. Be yourself, be comfortable with your current station in life, and keep your morals intact. If a guy doesn't share your morals, he isn't for you. And just when you don't think anything could ever happen, it could very well just pop out and slap you in the face.

Good luck.

 

[Disney Doll]

Well, first relax...you'r eonly 20. You don't have to find your soul mate this week!

I like the idea of joining clubs of stuff you're interested in...then you'll already have something in common with anyone else who might also be in the club. Gives you something to talk about.

Don't relax your morals. You will meet a guy who will like you for your morals and integrity.

 

[Becky2005]

To be honest it's not any different than talking with a girl. Sometimes it's even better because they can think a bit different than us and aren't so trivial.

I agree with this. I've not been in your situation but I know my DD tends to talk to any guy no problem whatsoever. It's probably because she never thinks of the guys as "boyfriends" (especially since she can't date anyway yet) but just people.

I remember last year she told me the other girls were amazed that she would go up and talk to the guys with no hesitations. She told me "what's the big deal, you just say Hi". Now, she has 3 younger brothers so I think she just thinks of them as no different than talking to her brothers.

I definitely say get involved in clubs that interest you, etc... I think 90% of the guys my daughter knows is because they are involved in drama club/theatre/choir in some way.

Good Luck.

 

[malibuconlee]

Intermural sports? Co-ed ones can be a good place outside of class/bars to meet people.

If you are religious get involved in the campus ministries. There you will be more likely to find people that you can relate to that should share the same morals.

 

[mamajoan]

I have suggested this solution numerous times... and it has worked for people who want to make friends... especiallly young people in new situations.

On your campus you will find several organizations that are co-ed that deal with community service. Alpha Phi Omega is a co-ed fraternity that has been known as Un Greek. Girls and guys meeting, working together on various projects that help the community. Things like building playgrounds, working at shelters, basketball marathons to benefit special needs programs and lots of social events too. When you work on a project with people you get to know alot about them. .. .. .and they get to know you too.
If you are active in church... or even if you are not... many of the college communities have faith related groups designated for young people like yourself. Newman Center was a great place for me at college.

I totally agree with all that have said to just be yourself, put yourself out there, enjoy yourself...lots of life to live!

I met my husband at college, we met when I went over to a girl classmate
in another dorm. We all became ''group'' friends
fora long time... and then he started asking to come study over in my dorm...I was surprised. I was always everybody's friend... always just the friend.

my friend and I have been married 29 years.