Social Event Conflict...WWYD?

[FayeW]

My husband and I are having a disagreement about which of two social events to attend/hold.

Here is the background.

My husband's boss has a home about an hour from the city. Every summer she hosts a party for the entire office and their families...a potluck style party with burgers/hotdogs/soft drinks provided. Sides and desserts are potluck, and the alcohol is BYOB. The party this year was scheduled for July 10th (next Sat). My husband of course knew the date of the party, however I did not...I DID know that it was sometime in the first couple of weeks in July but not the exact date.

On Tuesday of this week, I suggested to my husband that we invite two families of close friends to join US for a BBQ at our home for next Saturday. I asked him specifically if he had anything going on "not this Saturday, but next Saturday". He assured me he did not. I suggested he check his schedule to which he gave me a smart *** answer about not having any schedule. I have now invited both families and they have accepted.

Of course, two hours after I have invited our guests he announces that "next Sat is the party". He wants me to cancel our plans with our friends, and I am refusing for the following reasons:

1) Both of the families are going on holidays in the next 5 weeks, but a different times. If we don't get together next weekend, we won't have an opportunity to have all three families together until the last couple of weeks of August at the earliest, and no guarantee then that the schedules will work.

2) I made sure I checked with DH prior to issuing the invitations, and he told me he had nothing planned. Ordinarily I would have just invited them and then told him about it but because I knew his work party was some time in July, I asked him to check his schedule.

3) While I like his boss and her husband very much (the dog sit for us, and have invited us to dinner in their home as a family), I don't particularly enjoy the party. They always have their adult daughter, SIL and grandson, as well as boss's elderly parents, and some of their neighbours. While they all seem very nice, I think a work party should be for work people, period.

I think that hubby made the error so he should either send his regrets to the boss's party, or go by himself for the afternoon and come back early in the evening. I am perfectly fine with him arriving home after our guests get here, since they are close friends for many years and it will be informal. I just refuse to cancel after I invited them with his approval. He on the other hand says "it's just a couple of phone calls...what's the big deal?"

Of course, I think I am right....what do you think?

 

[SC Minnie]

You are right.

 

[Gigi22]

Go to the boss's party with your DH. Office politics are very important. And, your DH's boss scheduled her party first. Had your DH been more on the ball, you would have accepted her invitation. Your friends will appreciate your motivation for rescheduling your own party.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

JMO, but I would reschedule with the friends. Our friends would be very understanding, especially given the "boss" aspect of the other party.

 

[happygirl]

I would reschedule with my friends. I think they would be more understanding then the boss

 

[sunnyday123]

Go to the boss's party with your DH. Office politics are very important. And, your DH's boss scheduled her party first. Had your DH been more on the ball, you would have accepted her invitation. Your friends will appreciate your motivation for rescheduling your own party.

See above. And really, it's not the hill I'd want to die on.

 

[Ceila]

You are right. However, if there could be negative repercussions to your husband's career by not going to his boss's party, then perhaps you could explain the situation to your friends (placing full blame on your DH, of course, lol!) and have them over either Friday or Sunday.

 

[palmtreegirl]

Go to the boss's party with your DH. Office politics are very important. And, your DH's boss scheduled her party first. Had your DH been more on the ball, you would have accepted her invitation. Your friends will appreciate your motivation for rescheduling your own party.

I agree, I would definitely go to the office party and reschedule friends.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Assuming your DH is on good standing with his boss, and this is a yearly event which he usually attends, I think you're right.

 

[FayeW]

Go to the boss's party with your DH. Office politics are very important. And, your DH's boss scheduled her party first. Had your DH been more on the ball, you would have accepted her invitation. Your friends will appreciate your motivation for rescheduling your own party.

Office politics are not really an issue here. He works for the government and is in a permanent position. They have a good relationship and that won't change if we don't go (although it might change if we show up WITHOUT our dogs, again, LOL)

However, I have no issue with him attending the party. I made my plans before I was apprised of the date of the other party. Now, keep in mind the invitation to this party was probably more of a mass email sent out with "this year the bbq will be on July 10th". I don't know if he actually sent a response that we would be there or if it is just assumed that we are attending (and he's not home today for me to ask) at which point he was wrong to accept an invitation on my behalf without telling me about it and confirming that I had nothing planned for that date.

 

[JustCallMeMommy]

I think I would try to shift my friend party to Sunday. Even though DH was at fault here, you want to stay in good with the boss.

 

[ICF]

I'd go to the party with the boss.

You originally would have just had to cancel (or change the date) your party 2 hours later, I think that would have been ok.

Does it really matter if you have to wait until Aug to have a BBQ with your friends? A once a year work function is probably more important.

 

[bettymae1121]

Well, you ARE right....but.....

If not going to the work party is going to cause a problem for your DH at work, then you need to insist that either he go by himself or that you cancel with your friends and you all go to the work party. And then I'd smack my DH's nose with a rolled up newspaper!

 

[MarilIncredible]

How big is your husband's office and how important is it re: office politics that he go to the party? For me, an office party is kind of important, so I'd feel obliged to choose that over the BBQ with friends. And I am in a government position and my job wouldn't be in jepoardy if I skipped a boss' party, and I am friendly with the section chief and all of the supervisors, but when work assignments are handed down, or spot awards and bonuses are in play, I'd hate my non-attendance at a party to be interpreted as a reflection of my lack of desire to be a team player or some other b.s. Secure federal govt positions still involve office politics, at least from my persepective (and from my father's and FIL's experiences over their careers as well).

Also, I know my friends would understand if I blamed my "dopey" husband for forgetting about a prior engagement if I had to call and reschedule with them.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

I know this won't be a popular opinion, but I'm not sure anyone is right or wrong in this situation. DW would have just continued to press the issue until I checked 100% (whether the invite was through email or whatever) on the date of the office party before she made the plans, especially since it was known that the office party would be in early July.

Also, as a PP mentioned, once DH checked it was only 2 hours after the plans were made. It would have been easy to say, "Hey DH just checked and we are busy that day, could we change it too <insert date>?"

 

[CleoPahd]

I have to agree with some of the other posters that you really need to go to the bosses party. I certainly know what some guys can be like and how they don't always pay attention to all the details and I can see how frustrating that can be, but when it comes to work related events, I think they take priority. Especially since he did remember within 2 hours of inviting your guests, so had you called them at that point and explained I'm sure they would have been more than understanding. Is there any way you can accommodate both events? Maybe schedule your friends a little later in the evening and try to leave the bosses party a little early after explaining your "double booking". Sometimes there are things we all hate to do, but know it's the right thing to do.

 

[ndelaware]

So is your plan to not only to send your husband to the work family cookout by himself, but you are going to entertain family friends when he can't be there to help host them?

Are these families only friends of yours and not of your husbands also?

 

[Bren's Mom]

I'll go 'Dr Phil' on you and ask...

Do you want to be RIGHT or do you want to be HAPPY?

If you want to be RIGHT, well, you're right then. Stick with your 'too bad, so sad' response to dh.

If you want to be HAPPY, then realize that you take some ownership in this. You KNEW this work party was coming up, likely you know that your dh isn't on the ball with the scheduling of things (I know my dh isn't!) and so you could have chosen to ask specifically the date of the work party and gotten a clear answer before moving on to invite people over. Since it's only been a couple of days since you invited friends, it's not a big deal to change the date. You'll be a hero to your dh, he'll appreciate not having to miss the work party. You go, suck it up. Be a good wife. The end result is a happier marriage.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I know this won't be a popular opinion, but I'm not sure anyone is right or wrong in this situation. DW would have just continued to press the issue until I checked 100% (whether the invite was through email or whatever) on the date of the office party before she made the plans, especially since it was known that the office party would be in early July.

Also, as a PP mentioned, once DH checked it was only 2 hours after the plans were made. It would have been easy to say, "Hey DH just checked and we are busy that day, could we change it too <insert date>?"

You read my mind right there. I would not have scheduled friends without an exact date of boss's party either.

That being said, I would send DH to his boss's party and have my friends over. Whether it is right or wrong, it is OK to skip out once in awhile as the wife.

 

[Abbie]

Guess I'll go along with the minority on this one and go with the compromise you've suggested: he can make an appearance at the work party and you entertain your friends until he gets back.

DH is the "boss" and whether the party is at our house or at the local park rental, it is never an issue if someone can't make it.

Plus I don't think this really qualifies as a "work" party if the boss is inviting relatives and friends. I'm sure the OP can make a good judgment on whether not showing for the work party will affect her DH's position.

Bottom line is what does DH think? If it's really important to him that you be by his side, then that's what I'd do. Have your friends come a little later, adjust your party to desserts and still have a good time enjoying good company, and you can squeeze in both. You can even explain to the boss that you inadvertently had made plans for the evening prior to knowing the date of the bbq, thus your early departure.