so your feelings on a teen's baby shower?

[indimom]

I think the most important thing in your post and a few others like it is you say your PARENTS. Your teen mom wasn't a 15 yr old single mom, she had your dad. So so many of these 15 yr old teens are not in a relationship, the dad isn't even mentioned and that is a big deal in the equation.

So only the teens who managed to find a great guy who stands by them when life tosses them a curveball are going to turn out okay? Or deserve to celebrate the birth of a child? Oyyy.

My family member was ditched by the nice guy/father when she got pregnant. No one in our family ever saw more than a blurry picture of him.
She did just fine without him, and we are very proud of that strapping young man she raised. And that single, unwed teen now makes more than my husband and I combined.

AND she had a baby shower. lol.

 

[Hannathy]

So only the teens who managed to find a great guy who stands by them when life tosses them a curveball are going to turn out okay? Or deserve to celebrate the birth of a child? Oyyy.

My family member was ditched by the nice guy/father when she got pregnant. No one in our family ever saw more than a blurry picture of him.
She did just fine without him, and we are very proud of that strapping young man she raised. And that single, unwed teen now makes more than my husband and I combined.

AND she had a baby shower. lol.

Statistically they definitely have a better chance! and so do the children of 2 parent households.

Sure there are examples that did great but there are also examples of those that did terrible. And the person I was quoting had a set of parents.

 

[Colleen27]

Trust me. TRUST ME. No one is praising teen Moms for getting pregnant. And most of them never meant to be pregnant in the first place. But life happens and sometimes it's nice to have a little help dealing with the hard stuff.

Exactly! Maybe it is different if the girl comes from a "culture" of teen pregnancy, for lack of a better word, but that's not the world at large. The world as a whole is very judgmental and negative towards teen mothers and that doesn't stop when the baby is born. No matter how much she loves her child and how well she manages the challenges ahead of her, she'll always have that to deal with. Forget Gymboree or mommy-and-me groups - she won't be welcome. Heaven help her if her child has issues at school, because she won't be taken seriously as an advocate for him. It is an uphill battle for 18+ years, and those lighthearted moments like a baby shower or sharing cute pics matter that much more as a relief from the harder times.

And to the poster who made the comments about girlfriends oohhh & aaahhhh on Facebook over baby pictures posted, I have to say so what? Only married adult moms (who didn't get pg or have sex before marriage) get to post their baby pics? I think most teen girls aren't looking at the pics of adorable babies and planning on a way to get pg.

And it is a huge, ridiculous leap from "cute baby pics" to "wanting a baby". My DD's friends share cute pics of their siblings or nieces/nephews, but none of them are thinking about babies of their own. Babies are just cute. They share a lot of cute pics of their pets too, but that doesn't mean they're all running out to adopt cats and dogs and bunnies and lizards.

THIS is the reality and not okay.

It is one reality, not THE reality.

I truly believe that if a teen is dreaming about getting pregnant, there are a whole lot more problems for that teen than seeing a baby shower. And chances are, she is going to get pregnant with or without attending a baby shower.

Teens don't get pregnant because they see cute pics on FB. Mostly they get pregnant unintentionally, and those who do plan it tend to have serious emotional or familial issues that contribute to the irrational desire for a baby.

 

[indimom]

Statistically they definitely have a better chance! and so do the children of 2 parent households.

Sure there are examples that did great but there are also examples of those that did terrible. And the person I was quoting had a set of parents.

You are making my point for me. It feels like we are punishing the lot for the faults of a few.

Sure, there are probably teens who think it's a party, who are enjoying the attention.

But, there are others who are probably scared, embarrassed, excited (but afraid to show it because that would be "wrong") who are being shown that they are supported and loved even through the difficult parts of life.

I know married adult couples who are less fit to be parents than some teens, or who are probably out for the money/attention seeking when they celebrate their upcoming birth. This isn't exclusive to the young.

I just don't think it's as plain and simple as some people seem to think. Life rarely is.

 

[luvsJack]

I don't know where you got that idea?
It still happens today. Private school.

I was thinking of public school and sorry, it shouldn't happen. It won't prevent anything.

 

[LisaInNc]

If my kid gets pregnant I shall lock her in a dungeon. No need for a shower!

I do think that teenage pregnancy is glamorized.

I was the child of a 17 year old parent. She was not able to properly care for me. How I wished she had put me up for adoption but she admitted she thought that I was going to be "a little doll". I wasn't and I paid that price because she thought it was going to be fun.

She did not have a baby shower.....maybe that was the problem!


Lisa

 

[marlynnp]

All I have to say is that I have obviously not been invited to the 'right' baby showers!

Never thought any were glamorous and all the gifts were for the baby... really what's the lure??? What has young girls trying to get pregnant for a party? the cake? goofy games??

 

[Mama Mouse]

I can't say there's anything great about being pregnant at 15 years old.

Once she's pregnant though and decides to keep the baby, might as well get her prepared for it. I don't think it's a bad thing for the mother to have a shower and even *gasp* get excited or look forward to having her baby. It doesn't mean she doesn't ALSO understand it's going to be an uphill battle.

I'd hope that any of the teen's friends in attendance understand that a teen pregnancy isn't fun/easy regardless of having a baby shower or not.

I think the bolded part is the crux of the issue for many posters here. They feel she should be very ashamed and keep quiet about her pregnancy. She should in no way try to be excited or celebrate the impending birth. If she's going to be irresponsible enough to get pregnant and then not abort or put the baby up for adoption, she should be as secretive and ashamed of it as possible. And, apparently, she should be even more ashamed if the baby's father leaves her or is no longer in the picture.

The reality of teen pregnancy is that the vast majority are NOT planned. They are the result of kids being in a very difficult period of development that often gives them the mind set of "that won't happen to me." Couple that with immense social and cultural pressure to be sexual and to have sexual relationships.

Most of the girls I work with are *terrified.* To suggest they're happy about the situation would be absurd. They're overwhelmed and scared to death. A shower isn't about saying "Yayyyy! You got knocked up! That's awesome!"

It's about saying, you know what, yes, this is a tough situation but you CAN get through this and things CAN Be ok. And it is OK to be excited about the pending birth. In fact, it's a good idea to try to get that teen excited about that baby. She needs to bond with her unborn baby, look forward to their life together, make plans and dream for that baby as much as any other mother does. Those things are so important in parenting that child.

 

[luvmyfam444]

wow - wasn't expecting 9 pages!

The pics on FB show all the other teens having a blast @ the party, feeling the baby kick & playing games.

The other teen had her baby about 3 months ago. That one still has the boyfriend around.

These are well to do folks - living in the best subdivision around - country club kind of families. I'm not positive if the 2 girls are friends or not...they would at least know of each other because they are the same age & it's not a huge school.

There is NO DOUBT they are being supported by their families (which is not an issue to me).

I just think a baby shower glorifies pregnancies.

The reality is that the friends won't be around in the middle of the night to witness the rough times...they will only be around to see the fun times. And I would bet that the teen will be around for most things (football games, etc) still. I bet the grandmother will just take over.

I have run across a parent before who was actually the grandparent who just adopted their grandchild as their own - so the teen mom didn't have to struggle & could go on with life.

 

[Mama Mouse]

How many years ago was this?

Have you seen facebook? There are plenty of friends praising them. Ton's of praise and oohs and ahhs for the Mom's . Lot's of I can't wait, Oh your such a great Mom (cause the baby has on a cute outfit) Plenty of your so lucky to be going thru this, Caring more about what color she is picking for the wall than who is going to be paying for that wall.

And yes I do know teen Moms. And there are great differences in teen moms years ago and teen moms now.

Twenty years ago exactly. But my work with pregnant Teens and Teen parents has been ongoing for the last 7 years. I'm very well versed in the topic.

I don't understand how what you're describing glorifies teen pregnancy. Research says those aren't the types of things that affect teen pregnancy rates at all.

My sense from most of the posts is that it's less about what other teens think and more about what you think. I.e. the teen should be very ashamed, guilty and strive to hide her pregnancy from the world. And she should certainly never be excited or happy about that baby once she comes to terms with the pregnancy.

As for the facebook comments by friends I'm just sort of baffled. What are they supposed to say in response to pictures posted? "Who's paying for that new dress?" or "Wow. Cute baby but what awful decisions you made in having her!" I mean, really, what are people supposed to say? Or is this just another area where the teen should just not post pictures and not be proud of her child?

 

[LSmith]

wow - wasn't expecting 9 pages!

The pics on FB show all the other teens having a blast @ the party, feeling the baby kick & playing games.

The other teen had her baby about 3 months ago. That one still has the boyfriend around.

These are well to do folks - living in the best subdivision around - country club kind of families. I'm not positive if the 2 girls are friends or not...they would at least know of each other because they are the same age & it's not a huge school.

There is NO DOUBT they are being supported by their families (which is not an issue to me).

I just think a baby shower glorifies pregnancies.

The reality is that the friends won't be around in the middle of the night to witness the rough times...they will only be around to see the fun times. And I would bet that the teen will be around for most things (football games, etc) still. I bet the grandmother will just take over.

I have run across a parent before who was actually the grandparent who just adopted their grandchild as their own - so the teen mom didn't have to struggle & could go on with life.

So should these shower goers show up in black and remain solemn and act like they are attending a funeral? God forbid her friends feel the baby kick! And games? Please, please tell me there was no dancing. The nerve to display these antics all over FB.

In all seriousness, thank god there are parents out there that will stand behind their kids, no matter what they decide to do.

OP I don't know if you have a teen daughter but you never know what you will do unless you find yourself in the parents shoes. Would you really want your daughter shunned if she got pregnant and decided to keep the baby? Sure you would be very disappointed at first but then you would hopefully want the best for both mother and child.

Do not judge lest ye be judged (or however that goes).

 

[Mama Mouse]

Exactly! Maybe it is different if the girl comes from a "culture" of teen pregnancy, for lack of a better word, but that's not the world at large. The world as a whole is very judgmental and negative towards teen mothers and that doesn't stop when the baby is born. No matter how much she loves her child and how well she manages the challenges ahead of her, she'll always have that to deal with. Forget Gymboree or mommy-and-me groups - she won't be welcome. Heaven help her if her child has issues at school, because she won't be taken seriously as an advocate for him. It is an uphill battle for 18+ years, and those lighthearted moments like a baby shower or sharing cute pics matter that much more as a relief from the harder times.

Exactly.

And the notion of that culture of teen pregnancy, having that as an expectation or desire, isn't the primary cause of teen pregnancy and accounts for less than 20% of teen pregnancies. That means 80% are unplanned.

 

[cjbcam]

wow - wasn't expecting 9 pages!

The pics on FB show all the other teens having a blast @ the party, feeling the baby kick & playing games.

The other teen had her baby about 3 months ago. That one still has the boyfriend around.

These are well to do folks - living in the best subdivision around - country club kind of families. I'm not positive if the 2 girls are friends or not...they would at least know of each other because they are the same age & it's not a huge school.

There is NO DOUBT they are being supported by their families (which is not an issue to me).

I just think a baby shower glorifies pregnancies.

The reality is that the friends won't be around in the middle of the night to witness the rough times...they will only be around to see the fun times. And I would bet that the teen will be around for most things (football games, etc) still. I bet the grandmother will just take over.

I have run across a parent before who was actually the grandparent who just adopted their grandchild as their own - so the teen mom didn't have to struggle & could go on with life.

I just don't see how one party can define pregnancy and life after birth. Do you really think teens don't realize how hard it will be for her? If this was true teen pregnancy would be on the rise and teens would plan to become pregnant. Statistics show otherwise.
Do you not think her friends don't talk to her about how hard it is? Do you think she never complains to her friends about the feeding and diaper changing? Friends are not only there for the fun times.

 

[momto2girls]

I'm with those who said that they wouldn't attend the shower, but would send a practical gift, like diapers.

I also believe that if one of my DDs became pregnant as a teen (God forbid!), I would not support the idea of having a shower. I honestly don't care what others would do in that situation. I would never say a word to them about it. However, for my family, I would consider it bad form, so it isn't something that I would support.

 

[tzolkin]

Horrible things happened to you, and I am sorry. But the vast majority are either raised, at least financially, by grandparents and the mother's receive assistance including free health care for the baby and themselves, and that is nolt okay.

Not really sure what this has to do with my post or the topic of baby showers. Could you clarify?

I was certainly not saying that things always turn out wonderfully and that all teen mothers are totally self sufficient. (Even though my family is very happy and successful, I want to ensure that my children do not have babies so young.) I was just trying to say that sometimes showing a little love, compassion, and support can make a huge difference on someone's life.

I have seen this same thread numerous times in my years on the Dis and it always devolves into a spiral of how teen parents really need to be taught a lesson through shaming to make sure that they know that their child is nothing to celebrate, but rather something embarrassing to be hidden or an object of pity.

I am so glad that is not allowed anymore. I mean, how much sense does it make to throw out the student that needs an education the most?

I know another poster responded about private school, but this does happen in public schools as well. They may not kick you out explicitly for getting pregnant, but they can try their hardest to make things impossible for you.

Two things in my situation:
1. Director of my program told my mother that if I "happened to not be pregnant after summer break" I could remain in the program. My family did fight this and she was replaced. If I hadn't had family support, it likely would not have turned out well.
2. School policy was that if you missed more than 10 days, you were expelled for truancy. The amount of time they were legally required to give you for a ******l delivery was one week. Daycare does not accept infants that young so if you don't have family to watch your child, you are basically forced to quit school.

I think the bolded part is the crux of the issue for many posters here. They feel she should be very ashamed and keep quiet about her pregnancy. She should in no way try to be excited or celebrate the impending birth. If she's going to be irresponsible enough to get pregnant and then not abort or put the baby up for adoption, she should be as secretive and ashamed of it as possible. And, apparently, she should be even more ashamed if the baby's father leaves her or is no longer in the picture. The reality of teen pregnancy is that the vast majority are NOT planned. They are the result of kids being in a very difficult period of development that often gives them the mind set of "that won't happen to me." Couple that with immense social and cultural pressure to be sexual and to have sexual relationships. Most of the girls I work with are *terrified.* To suggest they're happy about the situation would be absurd. They're overwhelmed and scared to death. A shower isn't about saying "Yayyyy! You got knocked up! That's awesome!" It's about saying, you know what, yes, this is a tough situation but you CAN get through this and things CAN Be ok. And it is OK to be excited about the pending birth. In fact, it's a good idea to try to get that teen excited about that baby. She needs to bond with her unborn baby, look forward to their life together, make plans and dream for that baby as much as any other mother does. Those things are so important in parenting that child.

Wonderful post.

 

[KatheeME]

Really you are comparing yourself pregnant at 28 with a pregnant 15 year old? When you do that, any rational argument has goes down the drain.

If some want to equate shaming a pregnant teen with not celebrating the fact that they are pregnant that is fine but it doesn't make it the truth. It makes you feel better about "shaming" us

Apparently. Sigh. To say that is a comparison is ludicrious and not factual.

 

[Colleen27]

The reality is that the friends won't be around in the middle of the night to witness the rough times...they will only be around to see the fun times.

What makes you think that? Friends complain to one another, and I'm sure hers will hear plenty about the bad times.

It sounds to me like you have a real problem with a family supporting their pregnant teen, but what is the better option there? Kicking the child out to fend for herself? Punishing mother, child, and grandparents alike with some sort of forced austerity and hands-off attitude that they'd never take towards a planned grandchild?

 

[KatheeME]

It is one reality, not THE reality.

It is more than one reality, it is THE reality the vast majority of the time.

 

[DisDance]

My best friend had a baby at 19, I am the baby's Godmother. She had a shower, and yes I thought all the baby clothes were adorable, and I have so much fun buying her things. But did it make meant to go out and get pregnant, no. I see the struggles her and her boyfriend have, living with her mom, trying to work, take classes, and save up for their own place. I see how hard it is for them, and how exhausting being a parent is, and how their lives are so different from other people their age. They never get a break
Even though the baby is adorable and I love her to death, after seeing this I would much rather wait until I am older and have a good job/ my own place to have a baby

 

[NFLDERS]

Do you even know any teen Moms? If you do, you must not know them well or you'd know NO ONE is praising them for becoming pregnant as a teen. Baby showers are NOT going to change pregnancy rates one way or another. And deciding to have and keep the baby means the Mom is signing up for YEARS of hateful comments and criticism. The odds are stacked against her at every possible turn. No one praises her. NO ONE. Not her family, not her friends and certainly not anyone who attends her baby shower. What a few do, hopefully, is offer emotional support. Saying things like This will be incredibly difficult. Life will never be the same. But let me help you make a plan. Let me help you by offering up a few essentials that will be used up in no time. (Diapers) Let me help you by directing you to some resources. Let me help you by discussing your education and how you can continue that. You'll note that none of those celebrate the Mom and her pregnancy.

I had a baby at 16 and the treatment I got was appalling, at best. Despite the fact that I'd been a very good student, very good kid, never in any trouble at all and just had the misfortune to have been pressured by a boy who didn't care about me but, of course, I thought he did. I got raked over the coals and back again.

Then when he passed away as an infant, after many surgeries to try to treat a heart defect, I got raked over the coals again and again and again. That's what I got, they said. For being a teen Mom. It's for the best. Really?

Our society is so backwards. Nothing but SHAME to young girls regarding sex. Absolutely no birth control! Nope! That's not ok! That's SHAMEFUL. But then they get pregnant and everyone's up in arms. And then, God forbid, they keep and try to raise the child. (Because their feelings regarding that choice actually, you know, matter.) More shame and no one wants to help the girl. Just give her her scarlett letter and cast her and her child off as worthless human beings not deserving of any kind of help or support.

Trust me. TRUST ME. No one is praising teen Moms for getting pregnant. And most of them never meant to be pregnant in the first place. But life happens and sometimes it's nice to have a little help dealing with the hard stuff.

God bless you and your family and the little one you loved and lost.