So what would you do??? (Warning, ex vent!) UPDATE

[Tuffcookie]

Midweek visitation in our county states if the parties can't agree, midweek visitation takes place on Wed. 5:30-8:00 PM. I have been very generous and said the ex could pick him up after school on Wednesdays and keep him until 9:00 PM. Today I took mom to Cleveland Clinic for her 3 mo. check up. Excellent news, her blood counts are up and she gained a couple lbs! I'm really in a good mood. Then I get home and there's a message on my answering machine from the ex saying he is not bringing DS home at 9:00. He will bring him home by 4:30 PM Thursday and he notified the school he will not be in school Thursday. He tells me they are going to play hooky!!! I called him back and I told him I expected DS home at 9:00 PM and then I had him put DS on the phone and I told him I expected him home by 9:00 PM. Guess what, it's obvious DS is not getting home tonight! I have decided to write the ex a letter stating he no longer has permission to pick DS up at school and I will be notifying the school of the change. I am telling him the visitation will go back to what is written on the paper, Wed. 5:30-8:00 PM. Do you think this is a wise move or how would you handle it?

TC

I picked DS up at school on Friday and he told me his dad had been to the school to give him his books that he had left at his house. The ex told DS he would be at the school on Wed. to pick him up, that nothing was going to change! This, the day after I gave the ex his letter stating he was to pick DS up at our home on Wed. from now on. So it appears I will have to contact an attorney to get this handled legally. I am the most patient person in the world but I simple can't ignore this situation.

TC

 

[Princess_Aurora]

I think its a very resonable dicision. You were being generous enough to give your ex a few extra hours with him and he decided to abuse it.

 

[A kid at heart]

Isn't he violating the court order by keeping him overnight like that? not to mention keeping him out of school for the day/.

 

[Serena]

I think what you're doing is the right thing.

 

[Tuffcookie]

He thrives on conflict! We have been divorced since Feb of 1993. I try to not let him get me worked up because I know that's what he wants so I try not to get emotional when communicating with him. Just stick to the facts. Another thing: DS takes Claritin and a pulmacort inhaler every day and he's not going to have them tomorrow. You want to know the sad thing? I work in law enforcement and I know they are too busy to go around trying to enforce domestic court orders. So I'm thinking the letter is my best option.

TC

 

[JasonLyons]

he sounds like an idiot, want me to beat him up

 

[Tuffcookie]

JL, Thanks, but I think I'll let him cook his own goose!

TC

 

[RoutemanDan]

I have a question.If you are uncomfortable with it please disregard it.
Why can't his Father see him whenever he wants?
My parents divorced when I was 12 and my Dad was able to see us whenever he (or we) wanted to.Is there a specific reason as to why you don't let him see him more or just because you have that power over him?
This is not meant as an inflamatory post,just curious.

 

[Tuffcookie]

RoutemanDan, The reason for the divorce was there was physical violence. DS tells me his dad is not patient with him and yells and cusses alot. The standard visitation order stated one evening midweek, and every other week-end. DS does not want more visitation.

TC

 

[RoutemanDan]

Oh I see.That's too bad I totally agree with you.

 

[KimRaye]

TC, sorry to hear when parents 'abuse' the rights they have. The only ones suffering are the kids.

Seeing as you're in law enforcement, maybe a cc: to your attorney wouldn't hurt. Keep him/her apprised of what you're dealing with.

When my DS was not returned one Sun. night after a weekend visitation (after a violent, physical, police-involved Fri. pick-up), ex paid dearly. Not meaning to sound proud but, lesson was hopefully learned by ex. Don't MESS with a MOMMY!

At the time though, I was very scared & worried. Worst weekend of my life.

{{HUGS}}

 

[TIGGERSMOM]

Also not meant to be confrontational or sound like I am challenging your decision, and if you don't want to answer I understand.

Did your ex say why they are playing hooky? Does your DS want to go?

WE (my DS and I ) use to take 2 days a year and do the same thing. Play hooky and just have a day.

Can I suggest you set a code with you DS so he can relay when he is uncomfortable with something going on. I was also a single parent for many years and we made a code so if anyone was listening and DS wanted to relay he was uncomfortable with a certain situation or just didn't want to do something(like a sleepover) I would know.
I would ask if he finished his homework and he would answer yes if everything was ok or no, I have a report to do if he wanted or needed rescueing.

 

[snoopy]

I had a completely different opinion until you posted that there was physical violence involved. I can see how you were upset that he kept in the extra time, TC. The letter sounds like a good way to go about handling it.

I am glad to hear your mother is doing well. I remember you posting about her awhile back. Happy that the news from the doctor was good, TC.

 

[shortbun]

I think you've got it figured out TC.
Maybe you'll get more info tonight.
How old is your ds? His dad's put him
in a tight spot.
Tiggersmom-I'm going to use that idea
with my own ds! We've got a great marriage
so no problems with errant exes;
there are always times when a kid
needs to make his mom the "bad guy"
and not reveal his/her discomfort to friends!

 

[Mermaid02]

He should have had your ds home at the correct time and then discussed with you the overnight thing...... if he cared about your ds that is what he would have done..... but I get the impression he is not a reasonable person.

 

[Tuffcookie]

I have been very accomodating in the past to DS's visitation with his dad. I keep the ex up to date on school issues, medical issues. We go to parent-teacher conferences together. Heck, we were at the orthodontist together on Monday to discuss DS's upcoming braces (Jan). I believe it is of the utmost importance to get along for the sake of the child. I'm still considering the best way to handle the situation. I certainly don't want to go to court over this! I do this... analyze a situation from all angles. Thanks for your input everyone.

TC

 

[JasonLyons]

even if your son wanted to stay with his dad, your his mom and you decide what is best for him, and the court agress

 

[Miss Jasmine]

Jason, sometimes the court grants custody to a parent, but both parents are expected to share in the decision making when it comes to the kids. It depends on how the order reads.

TC, the father should have discussed his plans with you beforehand. We have kept the kids out of school for special trips and such, but have always cleared with the kids mom. We expect the same if our visitation is somehow disrupted or if they are going away on vacation. I think a letter would be appropriate if you can't sit down and talk with the ex and explain your concerns, i.e. medical issues, school issues, etc.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well I think what you are doing is correct. Your ex is "pushing" you to this direction.
1) He probably "knows" that you may or may not do something like this. If you do change the "times" back to orignal then he can try and "pit" your DS against you. Which will be the result unfortunately. He is aware that it will hurt your boy and you so he is taking a gamble to see "if" you are actually going to do it.
2) If you don't he will "push" even more and DS wil be confused as to "why", ie "mom you let us ___ before".

You can turn the tables on him and explain to him the "FACTS". And then threaten with changing the order back if you want. Explain that if he wants to take son for "special" outings it must be discussed with you prior, ie set up some ground rules for it.

I don't know the right answer you should do but I do understand analyzing things!

Good Luck with your decision

 

[wovenwonder]

Report this to your son's school and maybe the truant officer of the school will pay him a visit.