So upset...DS doesn't want us to (prom related) UPDATE PAGE 4

[Abbie]

This is sooo my 13 yr. old and it caught me for a loop too since my girls have always loved the dress-up, picture, having mom around thing! My son's 8th grade dance is a big deal at his middle school and I've also been told "I don't want you to come". I think he is afraid we will make a big deal out of it. I finally told him flat-out that he was hurting my feelings and whether he liked it or not, his dad and I were his family and he was not going to be allowed to push us out of his life and important events. (Besides, I have to drive him so he won't have much choice in the matter!) So while I still wouldn't dare "impose" myself on a field trip or the class picnic (still baffling to me, the girls liked having us along!) I will be there taking pics before the dance!

For prom around here, we always (parents of both boys and girls) gather at one house and do a marathon picture-taking. If it's making you sad not to go, then go! You will NOT be the only mother of a son there, and chances are your son will feel bad if it turns out that you're the only parent not there.

 

[MAKmom]

Too bad so sad. I would be taking pictures. My child, my house, (he does live home) my rules. No to mention that you paid for everything!!! When we were prom age all the parents took pictures. Boy or girl. Why should you be the only parents not there? You were invited by another parent! I'm sorry but if your son cannot offer some sort of resonable explanation for not wanting you there (and I can't think of any) then I would go and take all the pictures I wanted. JMHO.

Tell him fine but don't expect me to pay for anything else & you want to be reimbursed for the tickets. I would be upset too!

 

[litlpixie]

I wouldn't take it so personally. My son will be attending his Junior prom the Friday, and they are all meeting at a friends house and going together. He doesn't want me there either.......He's 16, and in his mind I'm a dork.........I was cool when he was 6, and those days are over

So, I am giving him a disposable camera to take with him, so that the girls parents can take pix for me. Problem solved. At least I have my 9 year old to look forward to.......she's not getting off that easy!!

 

[rigs32]

I think it's not fair to tell him after the fact that using your money to pay for the tickets and tux entitles you to do what you want with regard to pictures and his feelings don't count. If you want to put conditions on his spending your money, it's only fair to tell him the conditions ahead of time so he can make an informed decision.

As for just showing up at the photo shoot house, all I can think is that's a great way to make sure he doesn't trust you and keeps pulling away further. He's 17, not 7.

I'd get the photos from another mom and then have a chat about how next year's prom will work with regard to the money and the photos.

 

[corie161]

Do you not have a Grand March where you can go take pictures? Generally around here parents take pictures before, but they also go watch the Grand March and take pictures there too with all the decorations and what not.

 

[pearlieq]

He probably just doesn't want some big specatacle at her house. And plus I remember always being nervous as a teen whenever the parents got to talking. You never knew what would happen when the moms got together.

I do think it's a fair point that if he's willing to take your money for the tickets, tux, and other expenses, he should be willing to cooperate and let you take a few pictures. I would point that out to him and explain that taking pictures means a lot to you. Offer to stick to some ground rules (only 15 minutes, no requesting poses, etc.)

If he still resists, I wouldn't force it, because it would just be miserable and awkward for everyone.

But I would tell him that if he's ready to make his own adult choices about who can and can't be there, that he's also ready to take the adult responsibilty of covering his own costs. For future dances/activities he'll be responsible for his own costs. You aren't an ATM.

 

[Sugardimples]

Leave the kid alone. We make entirely too much out of these school events. Just let him go to the dance in peace!

 

[Jenn]

I think it's just a teenage boy thing. I have 4 nephews ages 15-20 and they hate having pictures taken, to the point where it is ridiculous. Like if all the grandkids are together for Christmas and we want to take one picture of them all, we have to beg and plead the boys to sit down, shut up and smile so their grandmother can get one stinking picture of all her grandkids. And, I better snap it quick because they will be gone in a second.

For their proms (3 of them so far), they just sucked it up. Their dates were certainly getting their pictures taken so they just stood there and dealt with it.

Their school does a red carpet thing too. All the kids go there first, do their formal pictures, and all the families go and take pictures, then they head off to the dance.

 

[poohluvrs]

Let me share my prom story:

DH & I graduated from the same H.S. We had no interest in each other, he was dating a girl his parents hated & forbade him to go to prom w/her. He asked me to pretend to be his date in exchange for beer so his parents would let him out of the house.

I insisted NO pictures! But his mother came out & video'd us We both went to the prom w/ other dates, but a decade later we reunited, fell in love & while planning our wedding, his mother pulled out that prom video I am SO grateful to have that memory on film now!

I say go get the photos. However angry he is he'll get over it, especially in front of his peers & their parents.

 

[Disney Doll]

When I was 17 and my parents paid for all the prom expenses and I told them they couldn't come to the gathering at the house where all the kids and parents were going to be, and they had been invited to it, they'd have laughed at me.

Of course that was back in the day when parents and kids were different, kids weren't so much the focus of the family but a part of the family, so I have no idea what to tell you. I do know I'd want a better reason than "Because I don't want you there".

I do recall for both my proms going back to the boys house so his parents could take pictures. Heck, when my nieces and nephews went to their proms I went to their house to see them!!!! This tradition of gathering all the kids and parents at one house seems to be catching on, and I think it's a nice one.

 

[helenabear]

I went to prom twice. The first time I loved my date's mother and we made a special stop at his house for pictures. We were one of the few couples who did that. Then we met at my friend's house to get pics before going in the limo. No other parents were there.

The 2nd one I went to, he picked me up, got a few pics and then went to his friend's house to do pics with the group (and give others rides). No parents again showed up to do pics.

I've never seen other parents show up at the house to do group pics. It seems the only ones taking the pics are the ones who own the house in the first place. So I would say don't go, and just ask her mom to take pics for you both. I would see going to her house as being odd anyway based on how it was done for us.

 

[Honu]

I understand being disappointed, but I'm bewildered by parents that think it's perfectly fine to put their own wants and needs ahead of their child's when it comes to something like this. Why create drama and bad feelings, especially on what should be a really fun night for him? I don't get it.

 

[MAKmom]

I understand being disappointed, but I'm bewildered by parents that think it's perfectly fine to put their own wants and needs ahead of their child's when it comes to something like this. Why create drama and bad feelings, especially on what should be a really fun night for him? I don't get it.

The tradition in my area is the parents take pictures. You pay for everything & you get to take pictures. Prom is not cheap. The drama is a 2 way street.

My feelings would be hurt if he did not want me at graduation or his wedding.
If my kid wants to call the shots & hurt my feelings fine just don't ask me to pay for it.

 

[horseshowmom]

I understand being disappointed, but I'm bewildered by parents that think it's perfectly fine to put their own wants and needs ahead of their child's when it comes to something like this. Why create drama and bad feelings, especially on what should be a really fun night for him? I don't get it.

Not to be disrespectful, but I'm equally bewildered that a 17 year old son whose parents just paid for everything and support him would even consider putting his own desire not to have pictures made ahead of something that means a lot to his parents. The other parents have made it plain that they'll be there taking pictures, and this boy's mother has been invited to participate. My feelings would definitely be hurt, and I'd tell him so.

 

[Beth76]

I understand being disappointed, but I'm bewildered by parents that think it's perfectly fine to put their own wants and needs ahead of their child's when it comes to something like this. Why create drama and bad feelings, especially on what should be a really fun night for him? I don't get it.

I'm totally with you on this.

Not to be disrespectful, but I'm equally bewildered that a 17 year old son whose parents just paid for everything and support him would even consider putting his own desire not to have pictures made ahead of something that means a lot to his parents.

OK, so the 17yo is acting like a 17yo. The parents (not specifically the OP, but others on here) are acting equally immature by saying "I'll do what I want". They're the adults. By not respecting their son, they're not teaching him anything better than the way he is acting. There's no reason the OP can't get pictures from someone else.

 

[horseshowmom]

I'm totally with you on this.


OK, so the 17yo is acting like a 17yo. The parents (not specifically the OP, but others on here) are acting equally immature by saying "I'll do what I want". They're the adults. By not respecting their son, they're not teaching him anything better than the way he is acting. There's no reason the OP can't get pictures from someone else.

I agree with you in that I would NOT show up where he had made it plain that I wasn't welcome.

I do think that he's being very disrespectful to his mother. "Getting the pictures from someone else" isn't really the issue here. The mother was invited, and she would like to participate in her son's life (certainly not an unreasonable request).

I also respectfully disagree with the statement that "the 17yo is acting like a 17yo". His being 17 is not a license to excuse how he reacts to his parents. I think he's turning this into a much bigger deal than it should be. This is a pretty small thing to do if it makes your mother happy.


ETA: I just showed this thread to my DD-19. Her response was this: If this mother was the only one out of the whole group who was wanting to tag along and make pictures of everything, I could understand his point (as could I), but that is NOT the situation here. He's acting stupid. (JHHO )

 

[lulugirl]

I understand being disappointed, but I'm bewildered by parents that think it's perfectly fine to put their own wants and needs ahead of their child's when it comes to something like this. Why create drama and bad feelings, especially on what should be a really fun night for him? I don't get it.

I agree.
Leave the kid alone, let him enjoy his prom
Get pictures from another parent.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

I agree.
Leave the kid alone, let him enjoy his prom
Get pictures from another parent.

I disagree.
Why are teens so darn sensitive????? I was that way, too, wasn't I? Is it because he is taking this new girl? He doesn't want it to seem like a big deal. hmmmmm..... maybe compromise.... get him a disposable camera and say.... "okay, I won't take pictures, but I want this camera full of pics!!!"
If other parents are taking pics, why can't you???

 

[fan_of_small_world]

I posted previously that I wasn't sure what I'd do in your situation, but after reading more I think I know my answer. I would tell my DS that while I undertstand that he might not want a big to-do made over prom, it is a special moment, and I will be there to take a few pictures. I would assure him that I won't make a fuss, I'll just be taking some photos, and saying hello to the other parents who will also be there.

Warning: getting on my soapbox now, lol! I think that children, and teens, today have too much "say" and feel that they can dictate too much. I am an extremely accomodating mom (and have been known to bring something to DS at school that he forgot, will happily go to several stores to find just the right whatever-it-is for him, etc), but I expect my kids to act respectfully, too, and they do. I think this is an issue of respect for one's parents as much as anything else. Denying your parent's the ability to record, with photos, a "rite of passage" such as a prom just isn't right, IMO.

 

[TimeforMe]

Thanks for all the replies. It's interesting to see everyone's take on the subject--all different, but true in their own way.

DD19 must have gone to at least 5-6 proms when she was in high school. For every single one, they came here for pictures; even for the ones that weren't HER prom. The parents almost always came, too. I can only think of one instance where her date's parents didn't come.

corie161: No, they don't do a Grand March at our high school. I never heard of it before reading about it here on the DIS. I kinda wish they did now.

I agree with the poster who mentioned the fact that it was a bit disrespectful, in a sense, not to allow us to take pics. It's really not that big of a deal, for God's sake, and EVERYONE does it. I'm not asking him to do anything out of the ordinary. If he feels THAT strongly about it (which for some odd reason he seems to), I'm not going to force the issue. I'll discuss it with him again and let him know that it's important to us.

I'll let you all know how it goes. Thanks again for all your support. It helps to know there are other teens doing similar things.