So upset and hurt - needing advice

[supercarrie]

As I was walking my dad to his car this afternoon I noticed on the passenger seat a box of cigars and some cigarettes. He has struggled for years to quit smoking, and as of June 2001 my family and I believed that he had finally been able to quit. We were so proud of him for finally being able to accomplish something which we (and he) had wanted to happen for so long. Each month on his "stop smoking anniversary" he would mention it and we would all congratulate him, etc. He led us to believe that he had actually quit. When I saw the box this afternoon, first he told me that someone had left them in his car. I told him I didn't believe him. Finally, I asked him what they were (the box was in Spanish) and he told me "little cigars." I became very upset and asked him how long he had been smoking them. He wouldn't give me a direct answer. I said, "Dad, I want you to stop - please," as I have said so many times before. He told me he will stop "soon" - but based on him lying about it at first I don't know if I believe him. Then my mom walked out and he whispered to me to drop the subject, so I don't think my mom knows.

It isn't so much the smoking that is bothering me - I know that he has struggled for many, many years, and him telling me that he has started again, although it would upset me, would make me sad, not angry. It is him lying about it that gets me so upset. I have no idea how long he has been lying to us about it. What is worse is that he told me to keep it a secret from my mom - this has put me in a very hard situation to deal with. I don't know what I should do, and since I can't turn to any adults that I would normally turn to for advice (they are all at work or on vacation right now), I am asking all of you. Should I tell my mom? Should I confront my dad again? He knows that him smoking upsets me a lot, and that I am very hurt and upset by this deceitfulness. Another thing that I should mention is that my mom and dad have been fighting recently - I don't want this to add to the problems that they are already dealing with. Thanks for any advice you might have - I am just really upset right now.

 

[minniecarousel]

Carrie - there is no reason to tell your Mom. She probably already knows. I have had this situation in reverse - my kids know that I don't like them smoking, but they have, at times. (One or both may be smoking now, but NOT in my home or in my yard!) They're of legal age and I realize that no amount of nagging can make them stop. Being lied to by someone you love & trust really does hurt - I wish I had some suggestions for handling this, but I don't.

 

[helenabear]

First of all big big {{{hugs}}} to you Carrie. As for what to do about this all, if you think you can, I'd talk to your dad about it. Not as much to talk about the smoking, but what his lying to you did to you. I know if my dad lied to me like that I would talk to him about it and tell him why it hurt me. As for him smoking, just let him know you'll be there to support him if/when he tries to stop. I don't think I'd tell your mom though. I asked my DH who sort of went through something like that with his dad and he said he didn't go tell his mom and he didn't think he would as she probably already would know. Unfortunately he wasn't in the same position as you with his feelings getting hurt the way yours were so he had nothing to say on that. I really would go talk to your dad about it. Not confront but just have a conversation about how it all made you feel. I wish I could help more {{{hugs}}}

 

[supercarrie]

The reason I was asking about my mom, is that she is normally the person I turn to when I am upset or hurt about any situation -and now, I am very upset that he lied, but since he told me not to tell her - I can't turn to her and explain how I am feeling about being lied to. Even if she does know, which you are right, she probably does, he told me not to tell her/bring it up. I just don't like the situation he put me in. (Sorry, just some more venting here...)

 

[damo]

The addiction of cigarettes is so strong that it takes over. I'm sure if your Dad could stop smoking just for you, he would. But, unfortunately, he can't and he's ashamed that the cigarettes are stronger than he is. Try not to be upset with him. He needs your support.

 

[Patio]

First of all, here are some {{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}} for you. I don't think its fair to you that your Dad would ask you to not tell Mom. I know you'd love for your Dad to quit, but he can only quit when HE is ready. My Dad started smoking at 12 yrs and I always hated it , esp. when I was young. I'd always ask him to stop, but he kept smoking away. He finally quit 3 yrs ago when he was hospitalized for a gall bladder attack. He smoked for 53 yrs. I would be very upset about him lying to me, though. Hope you feel better soon, hang in there.

 

[Buckalew]

Just a {{{hug}}} Carrie because I hear the hurt in your post. I am hoping for your sake, your children's (someday) sakes and his own sake that he will somehow find the strength to quit. If there was only a magic wand to stop the hurt & pain...

 

[glo]

Hugs Carrie, I too agree that you should talk to your dad about this and how it has made you feel. Tell him the situation he has put you in and explain that you are hurt. I hope things work out. Lots of PD your way.

 

[kejoda]

{{{HUGS}}} Carrie. I too think you should have a talk with your Dad. My Mom smoked for years. I just hated it and fought with her all the time about it. Don't do this with your dad it will make it harder for him. Your Dad is very lucky to have you.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Carrie, I agree withthe folks thoughts above, and offer you a big {hug} for having such a caring and loving heart. My prayers that your dad sees the light while he is still healthy.

 

[honeywolf7]

(((Hugs))) Carrie

 

[dmslush]

I'm sure your mom already knows, she can, more than likely, smell it on him.

I quit smoking about 3 months ago. It was hard, it was really hard. I had been smoking since I was 13 years old (17 years total). When you have a family that is expecting you to quit, it makes it that much harder. It makes it you feel like if you mess up, your family will be so dissapointed in you. Sometimes, it is easier to lie to someone than it is to see the dissapointment in their eyes.

Being a non smoker became 100% easier on me when my daughter (10 year old) told me if I messed up, we would just try and try again until I was smoke free. That is what I needed. I needed someone to say that it was okay if I did slip up, it was okay if I made a mistake. I needed someone to understand how hard this was for me, even if it did come from a little kid.

For the record, I never slipped up. BUT, I knew if I did, I would still have my families support. Give your father all of your support. Tell him that this is something that you and he will do together, you will be his support. Don't get defensive when he is going through withdrawls and gets grumpy and mean. Let him vent, give him lots and lots of water to flush his system. Take him on long walks, get him moving and breathing deep.