so I gave dd lunch $ & she used it for somethining else

[jamimb]

Guess most of us here on the DIS don't have any! Good to know.

There's a true statement if I ever heard one!

 

[jamimb]

I think some of you are missing the point! Sure this is a small thing but the point is the child directly disobeyed her mother. Disobedience is disobedience period!!!! Now I wouldnt have given some major punishment but it certainly would have been addressed and I would not have just let it go. She would have to know that we are her parents and what we say goes!

 

[Creativebeth]

Our jobs as parents is to guide our child to live in the real world. To become productive members of society, and to be able to function. If we 'make' our children follow our every direction to the 'letter', how are they going to be able to function on their own? They are not robots, but living, breathing people who do not have their parents following them around all the time. Just because we THINK we know best, doesn't always mean that we do.

My kids need to live in the world, and make decisions all the time. Sometimes they don't do everything that I would want them too, but when they are wrong there is usually reprocusions to their decisions. They must live with them.

This is a 13 year old kid. They will be a legal adult in FIVE years. Shouldn't she be able to figure out how the world works now, and not wait to make all her bad decisions later?

I don't get the firm grip that parents hold on their kids with EVERY LITTLE THING! They are growing up, give them a little space. It was $5.00, not the national debt. Loosen up people!

 

[kellyg403]

I posted earlier in the thread and then came back and saw eleven pages..wow.

OP, I agree that your dd did not listen and it seems that you feel you should punish her for not doing that. But, I still stand by the fact that you must temper justice with mercy. With the other thread and this one, your dd comes across as a poor preteen looking for her spot in the world. Trying to fit in and be one of the others. There could have been all kinds of things that led her to her decision today. For all you know, she was trying to help you, especially if money is tight in your house. She thought hey I will just go without lunch and use this money and mom doesn't have to worry.

Do you know how things are going for her at school? Does she have a lot of friends? I would be worried about going to the school or taking the ticket.

We definitely all parent differently. But, in the end I think we all hope the same, smart, successful adults come out of the teen years.


Kelly

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Our jobs as parents is to guide our child to live in the real world. To become productive members of society, and to be able to function. If we 'make' our children follow our every direction to the 'letter', how are they going to be able to function on their own? They are not robots, but living, breathing people who do not have their parents following them around all the time. Just because we THINK we know best, doesn't always mean that we do.

My kids need to live in the world, and make decisions all the time. Sometimes they don't do everything that I would want them too, but when they are wrong there is usually reprocusions to their decisions. They must live with them.

This is a 13 year old kid. They will be a legal adult in FIVE years. Shouldn't she be able to figure out how the world works now, and not wait to make all her bad decisions later?

I don't get the firm grip that parents hold on their kids with EVERY LITTLE THING! They are growing up, give them a little space. It was $5.00, not the national debt. Loosen up people!

To me it appears that the OP knew her dd wanted to buy her ticket however she probably did not have the money for ticket and lunch so she told dd to just buy lunch. That is my guess anyway.

Her dd did disobey and buy the ticket instead of the lunch but I see the punishment as she went without lunch and that is about it. I see OP overreacting to the infraction.

Is it irritating to know your kid went without lunch in favor of a football ticket, sure. However at that age if they want to suffer through, they can eat when they get home. Making a federal case out of this is overkill imo.

In addition, if I had to give my kid CASH to take to school for lunch, my butt is going to be hightailing up to the school to personally put in a large chunk of $$ to cover her for awhile so I would NOT be aggravated by the situation the OP puts herself in. That would drive me insane to constantly give my kid cash to put into the account.

My dd brings her lunch however she buys on a rare occasion and might buy a snack sometimes. I have not put money into her account since school started.

 

[HM]

I think some of you are missing the point! Sure this is a small thing but the point is the child directly disobeyed her mother. Disobedience is disobedience period!!!! Now I wouldnt have given some major punishment but it certainly would have been addressed and I would not have just let it go. She would have to know that we are her parents and what we say goes!

Some of us have made the point that at her age, she might not have really heard the instructions from her mother. My kids both tell me that they only hear part of what I'm telling them and they very well could have completely missed the part on how she was supposed to use the money.

 

[rie'smom]

I think some of you are missing the point! Sure this is a small thing but the point is the child directly disobeyed her mother. Disobedience is disobedience period!!!! Now I wouldnt have given some major punishment but it certainly would have been addressed and I would not have just let it go. She would have to know that we are her parents and what we say goes!

Didn't miss the point. The girl who sounds a bit withdrawn was trying to get involved socially. To me, the mom should have been thrilled. A mild admonishment from the mom would work. The Bataan Death march is not called for in this situation.

 

[LiberalPrincess]

Some of us have made the point that at her age, she might not have really heard the instructions from her mother. My kids both tell me that they only hear part of what I'm telling them and they very well could have completely missed the part on how she was supposed to use the money.

My kids have said the same thing for years. They call it the Charlie Brown teacher's voice.

 

[csjordan]

This thread has become a soap opera!

The OP sent a friendly "what do you think" post and it's gone from the mother being overbearing to discussion regarding abuse, depression, anti-social, outlaw. What am I missing here??

I agree with jamimb...disobedience is disobedience...if the child doesn't listen, they need to learn to. You can't let kids slide just because at age 12, they half-way listen to you...my kids don't half-way listen to me. They know what I say and they know I MEAN what I say. Major punishment is not necessary here, but a good talking to is...if we don't teach our kids, how will they learn.

Am I suppose to say, "honey, I know you weren't listening to me and it's ok that you spent the money the way I told you specifically not to. I'm sorry I'm trying to be a parent and teach you right from wrong because I understand at your age, to fit in, you need to do what EVERYBODY else is doing. I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings or depress you. I promise to walk on eggshells from now on. So, you just do what you would like to do. If you aren't pregnant or in jail, it's ok. I'll pick my battles..."

Honestly...

 

[jamimb]

This thread has become a soap opera!

The OP sent a friendly "what do you think" post and it's gone from the mother being overbearing to discussion regarding abuse, depression, anti-social, outlaw. What am I missing here??

I agree with jamimb...disobedience is disobedience...if the child doesn't listen, they need to learn to. You can't let kids slide just because at age 12, they half-way listen to you...my kids don't half-way listen to me. They know what I say and they know I MEAN what I say. Major punishment is not necessary here, but a good talking to is...if we don't teach our kids, how will they learn.

Am I suppose to say, "honey, I know you weren't listening to me and it's ok that you spent the money the way I told you specifically not to. I'm sorry I'm trying to be a parent and teach you right from wrong because I understand at your age, to fit in, you need to do what EVERYBODY else is doing. I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings or depress you. I promise to walk on eggshells from now on. So, you just do what you would like to do. If you aren't pregnant or in jail, it's ok. I'll pick my battles..."

Honestly...

This was exactly what I wanted to say and couldn't put it into words. Perhaps the best thing I've read on here in a long long time!!!

 

[jamimb]

Some of us have made the point that at her age, she might not have really heard the instructions from her mother. My kids both tell me that they only hear part of what I'm telling them and they very well could have completely missed the part on how she was supposed to use the money.

Seriously??? The child is 12 not 2! My youngest is 9 and the excuse " I dont really listen to you" is not gonna fly with her much less a 12 yr old! If this was the case I would punish her for not listening instead of disobeying!!

 

[csjordan]

This was exactly what I wanted to say and couldn't put it into words. Perhaps the best thing I've read on here in a long long time!!!

Thanks...I was a little afraid I was going to get flamed, but felt like it needed to be said...

 

[csjordan]

Seriously??? The child is 12 not 2! My youngest is 9 and the excuse " I dont really listen to you" is not gonna fly with her much less a 12 yr old! If this was the case I would punish her for not listening instead of disobeying!!

Amen!

 

[mjkacmom]

Am I suppose to say, "honey, I know you weren't listening to me and it's ok that you spent the money the way I told you specifically not to. I'm sorry I'm trying to be a parent and teach you right from wrong because I understand at your age, to fit in, you need to do what EVERYBODY else is doing. I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings or depress you. I promise to walk on eggshells from now on. So, you just do what you would like to do. If you aren't pregnant or in jail, it's ok. I'll pick my battles..."

Honestly...

The punishment doesn't fit the crime. She could tell her dd that she's not happy that she spent her lunch money on the ticket. Since she would've paid for the ticket, now she doesn't have too. Maybe have dd go another day without buying lunch. But to go to the school, humilate her dd for buying a ticket for a school event, is way over the top.

 

[csjordan]

The punishment doesn't fit the crime. She could tell her dd that she's not happy that she spent her lunch money on the ticket. Since she would've paid for the ticket, now she doesn't have too. Maybe have dd go another day without buying lunch. But to go to the school, humilate her dd for buying a ticket for a school event, is way over the top.

There hasn't been any punishment. The OP was only asking for opinions. She didn't actually go to the school. She was discussing POSSIBLE punishments...

 

[Cinderella94]

There hasn't been any punishment. The OP was only asking for opinions. She didn't actually go to the school. She was discussing POSSIBLE punishments...

Right. And we were giving her our opinion that those punishments were ridiculous.

 

[PaulaSB12]

Seriously??? The child is 12 not 2! My youngest is 9 and the excuse " I dont really listen to you" is not gonna fly with her much less a 12 yr old! If this was the case I would punish her for not listening instead of disobeying!!

The OP says that the girl has no allowance nothing to be taken from. Does not participate in out of school activities. She used $5 to join in a school activitiy and you are acting as though she committed a major crime. The girl sounds like she needs help not punishment.

 

[MaumeeMom]

I think some of you are missing the point! Sure this is a small thing but the point is the child directly disobeyed her mother. Disobedience is disobedience period!!!! Now I wouldnt have given some major punishment but it certainly would have been addressed and I would not have just let it go. She would have to know that we are her parents and what we say goes!

Exactly.

Yes, the child disobeyed her mom but you have to measure the level of disobedience. I don't think that using the lunch money to but a ticket was horrible, therefore, if it were our child, I think just sitting down with the kid and saying, "Do you know what you did wrong?" and having a discussion is enough. If the pattern continues or gets worse, then maybe a stronger punishment, like having to pack lunch or something but for a first offense, I would not take anything way, add extra chores or keep the kid from going to the game.

Yes, let the kid know it was wrong but seriously, in the grand scheme of things, this was a little mistake by a kid.

 

[DisneyScraps]

how would you punish her? (she's 12)
She took the money ($5) & bought a ticket to a powder puff game @ school (which we would have given her the $ for if she'd asked - & it wasn't even due yet)

She was told specifically to only spend that $ on her lunch - so it was COMPLETE disobedience. In fact that day she didn't eat lunch cause she didn't have any in her account.

My thought is to go to the school & make her give the ticket back & make her miss the powder puff game.

BUT I'm worried about her being made fun of because of her not going (most EVERYONE will be going)

I'm pretty sure it will teach her a lesson if I do that....

BUT I also don't want to embarrass her - I can hear the kids now - "you're mommy comes to the school to punish you..." something like that.

I have nothing to take a way from her really (no extra curr activites - no allowance)

I would do what you suggested with the exception of taking the ticket to school. That would be embarassing and it's worth losing 5.00 to avoid that. I would tear it up and have her stay home.

I am strict and what I say goes. I pick my fights but when I tell me DD to do something or not to do something, I have to stick with it. There is a bigger issue at stake here, it's a lot bigger than she just missed lunch, she disobeyed you. If you let her get away with the little things, where do you draw the line with the larger ones?

Lisa

 

[Cinderella94]

Seriously??? If I did this at 12 and my parents sat me down to "tell me what I did wrong," I'd think they were crazy. When she did this, I guarantee you that it wasn't even a blip on her radar as "I'm doing something wrong." It was "I have $5 and I'm not hungry today; I want this ticket so I'll go buy it." Let it go.