so I gave dd lunch $ & she used it for somethining else

[Cinderella94]

Is this a battle you really want to have? Why is it a big deal?

 

[Aneille]

My kids are much younger but I wouldn't punish for this offense. I would just ask why she couldn't wait until the next day to buy the ticket. It may have been peer pressure (everyone else was buying that day, so she felt like she needed to as well).

Really I wouldn't worry about it but instead would have talked to her about her choices and point out to her that she had another choice. She could have asked for the $5.00 and brought it in the next day and still had lunch.

 

[Magic Mom]

Not a big issue. Explain to her why you are disappointed. Let her know she can come to you for extra money for activities, and if you are really concerned about her getting enough to eat during the school day, send a check from now on instead of cash. Other than that, let it drop. She spent lunch money on a SCHOOL activity, not a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 from the convenience store. It sounds like she is just spreading her wings a little.

 

[Owlpost23]

OP,tread very carefully here.If you treat your daughter like a criminal,she'll soon be acting like a criminal.Also,don't go to the school and embarass her-that would REALLY put you on the outs with her.

 

[Hannathy]

I am so sorry for what you went through. I grew up in an abusive home myself, so I do understand how you felt. I do have to say, though, that it is an assumption as far as I can tell that this young lady is depressed. I certainly hope not. But if she is, I agree that she needs help.

The OP had another post today asking how to punish her when the girl had nothing to be taken away other than a radio and did not have any outside activities and didn't seem to care anymore about anything. I also said I thought she was depressed on the other thread.

 

[myheartlivesatwdw]

The OP had another post today asking how to punish her when the girl had nothing to be taken away other than a radio and did not have any outside activities and didn't seem to care anymore about anything. I also said I thought she was depressed on the other thread.

What???!!! The hell?

 

[wdwmom0f3]

The OP had another post today asking how to punish her when the girl had nothing to be taken away other than a radio and did not have any outside activities and didn't seem to care anymore about anything. I also said I thought she was depressed on the other thread.

Sounds like there is more to this than what I thought. Sad.

 

[madcam]

OP, there are alot of assumptions going on here about what is going on in your home. Only you know for sure but I will make an assumption as well based on some of your posts. I may be way off but I don't think I am.

I think your DD, who you stated does not have a problem with deception and lying, disappointed you. You thought you were clear in what you instructed her to do and she chose to not do what you asked (disobeyed). You probably feel the need to "nip this behavior in the bud" so to speak.

I can understand the feelings that you have over this. I have a "good kid" myself and it is harder on me when she messes up than when her sister does because it is so unexpected.

But if you can, you need to take a deep breath, step back and look at this situation for what it really is. You gave her money. (She did not sneak money from you or your house without telling you.) You told her to spend it on lunch. (She either A) tuned that part out/completely forgot you said that or B) heard you but made the decision to use that money for something else.)

Unfortunatly you don't know every single thought that went through her brain in making that decision. You say the money wasn't due yet but even if she knew that to be true, it's possible that someone said something to her or she overheard a conversaition that made her believe she needed to buy the ticket that day. It could have been as simple as "I am not really hungry right now and this ticket line is really short and hey, my bff is buying hers now so I will just use this five dollars for that instead."

If she is a good kid who doesn't normally lie to you then why would you automatically think she made this choice in a "shady" manner? You say she didn't tell you, but maybe she didn't think there was anything to tell. Everyone skips a meal every once in a while and you were going to give her five dollars for said ticket anyway. It may not have crossed her mind that you would be this upset if you were going to be upset at all.

I would definately tell her, "In the future, if I give you money for a specific purpose, please use it for that purpose." Yes it was $5 but down the road if you gave her $50 for a year book and she decided she didn't want a year book and instead took the money and bought jeans at the mall...then that is a problem. So absolutely talk to her about the issue you have ( I would not use the word "stealing" when discussing this with her.)

But as for punishment....it is supposed to fit the crime, no? I don't think she did anything fitting a punishment at this point. It was incidental and it is not habitual. She went without lunch (which she either didn't want at the time or has forgotten about since I am assuming she has eaten since the day this occured) and after you explain to her your expectations on using your money for the purposes you intend them for, I would let it go. I would most certainly NOT embarrass her or keep her from the game or do any punishing.

As for her needing or not needing spending money/allowance...that was not what you asked about so I don't feel the need to comment on that.

PPs mentioned another thread (that I did not read) that mentioned your daughter being depressed. I don't know if there is truth to that but if that is the case, her being interested enough to go to this game is a good thing and it would be something that I would want to encourage as a parent.

Kids are bound to mess up from time to time and if we are lucky it is silly things like this. My dad always says if we stay away from the BIG mistakes, we will turn out just fine! Wishing all the best with your daughter!!

 

[myheartlivesatwdw]

My kids have saved their lunch money for something else numerous times before...I have routinely told them to eat and i will give them any extra money they need. Lol. They still do it anyway. Never thought to make a big deal out of it. If that's the worse thing I have to deal with I'm a lucky chick.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Nope, I don't think anybody is making assumptions or parent-bashing (which I HATE)
The OP, herself, has divulged quite enough information.

I have looked at the OP's posts, and am trying to take an objective look at the bigger picture... and, to be frank, it looks really 'off'... I think most of the comments that I see here are not assumptions or parent-bashing... but a very real concern for this girl. The picture is just not pretty.

I really feel for her.

OP, if you wanted us all to join in your tirade, and tell you "Yeah... go after her, lock up this THIEF and 'totally and completely disobedient' (which just SCREAMS control issues and micromanagement) horrid girl in the stockades, right in front of the school....

Sorry.... NO WAY.
I could not in good conscience help but give you alternative advice.
For the sake of daughter, and your relationship with your daughter.

You asked for opinions and advice, but very clearly, you just don't want to hear it.

 

[luvsJack]

OP, if this is something that gets you in enough of an uproar to post it on a message board--you have a VERY long 6 years ahead of you.

Something is very wrong when a 12 year old has NOTHING to take away from her. My dd is 12 and I have a wide range of choices and all just as important as the next. I would ventur to guess that every one of her friends are exactly the same. You need to take a step back and figure out why this is the case with your dd.

 

[Carly_Roach]

She didn't give DD $5.00 to do with it what she wanted. She gave her DD $5.00 for lunch and SPECIFICALLY TOLD HER NOT TO SPEND IT ELSEWHERE. That is where DD should have said she also needed money for the game.

I see ALOT of posters on here assuming this mom is overbearing, which I don't see at all. I wouldn't have been very happy if my DD had done this.

Had mom given her $5 and said do with it what you like, that would be a different story.

I have a 12 year old who knows that when I give him money for a specific thing, that is where the money goes...end of story.

The fact that she didn't eat isn't punishment. I don't think the Mom should go to the school, but I do think this should be addressed.

Actually what caught my eye was the sentence, "I have nothing else to take away from her." To me that's a red flag in and of itself. It means either the child has had everything taken away from her or the child never had anything to take away from her to begin with. Both situations I find very sad.

AND a reminder of some wise advice:

Never get into a bar-brawl with someone who's got nothing left to lose. They won't care if either of you die.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

I used to do that. I would get $20 a week for lunch at school and I would find something else to eat. My mom knew about it too. In fact sometimes she'd pack me a lunch anyway.

So of course I say let it go, but not because I used to do it but because there are much bigger conflicts ahead of you.

 

[luvmy3]

OP, it could have been alot worse, when I was in 8th grade I used to spend my lunch money on cigarettes. Back then there was no way to check up on the lunch acct excpet sending home little slips of paper with me , unless you didn't pay it, then they mailed a notice home
Don't sweat the small stuff, maybe there is something going on with her, maybe all her friends were getting tix and she felt left out, maybe she just wasn't hungry (at 12 I trust my dd to be able to determine whether or not she wants to eat). After seeing your other post, the only advice I have is for you to sit down with your dd and let her know she can come to you with anything thats bothering her, or anything she wants to talk about, let her know that you won't pass judgement, or be angry at anything she has to say. I have a 12 year old and she is struggling with being independent and having alot of rules that her friends don't. Alot of my dd's frustratuons come from that (and her darn hormones ). we just let her know there are things we expect from her, but we are willing to loosen the strings a little as she gets older and let her make her own decisions. If my dd wanted to get a ticket with that $5 and go without lunch, it wouldn't have been a big deal at all, and I consider myself a strict parent.

 

[Rora]

She went without lunch, which seems like a decent natural consequence to me.


I would leave it at that at her age.

This.

I would also stress how important it is to eat lunch.

 

[jamimb]

Others may not agree with me but she disobeyed you and IMO this should not go unpunished. It doesnt matter to me if my kids (14 and 9) disobey me with a small thing like this or a big thing, disobedience is disobedience! I think not letting her go to the game is good punishment. If you let it go without a punishment she'll think she can do whatever she wants without any regards to what you told her to do! It will only make it that much easier next time to not listen.

 

[pyrxtc]

I agree that it was completely wrong. The $5 should have been put into the account for lunch. Now she will have to figure out how to pay for those days that the $5 would have paid for her lunch and she will not be going to the Powder Puff game because she did not have permission to buy that ticket to go. That would be her punishment.

I too, would have bought the ticket if asked but to spend money that was not hers to spend on it and then not say anything. t is as bad as stealing and lying.

That is why I like that our school has the lunch accounts paid into through PayPal.

My DD who is 13 agrees with my punishment.

Make her pay you back the $5 or wait til you buy the rest of your kids something for $5 and just don't buy her anything. Straight out of her moth to the keyboard. and that is along with my punishment.

 

[Cinderella94]

I agree that it was completely wrong. The $5 should have been put into the account for lunch. Now she will have to figure out how to pay for those days that the $5 would have paid for her lunch and she will not be going to the Powder Puff game because she did not have permission to buy that ticket to go. That would be her punishment.

I too, would have bought the ticket if asked but to spend money that was not hers to spend on it and then not say anything. t is as bad as stealing and lying.

That is why I like that our school has the lunch accounts paid into through PayPal.

My DD who is 13 agrees with my punishment.

Make her pay you back the $5 or wait til you buy the rest of your kids something for $5 and just don't buy her anything. Straight out of her moth to the keyboard. and that is along with my punishment.

 

[Tinkermommy]

Others may not agree with me but she disobeyed you and IMO this should not go unpunished. It doesnt matter to me if my kids (14 and 9) disobey me with a small thing like this or a big thing, disobedience is disobedience! I think not letting her go to the game is good punishment. If you let it go without a punishment she'll think she can do whatever she wants without any regards to what you told her to do! It will only make it that much easier next time to not listen.

I was remembering a story my husband told me.

His brother was about 7 and stole some candy from a store. His mom was mad and took both boys to see the priest.

The priest asked "Why did you steal the candy?"

My BIL answered, "Because she never buys us any."

He then asked my MIL, "Why don't you ever buy them candy?" And then he kind of got onto her about not ever letting them have any sweets and that they were kids and should be given treats sometimes. Not the lesson she was hoping to hear.

I think the point is kids have to rely on us as parents and if we are not being reasonable (and IMHO the OP is not) and giving them some perks they are bound to try and do what they can to get their needs met.

 

[Hannathy]

Tinkermommy I love that Priest!!!!

Good for him.