so I gave dd lunch $ & she used it for somethining else

[laracroft]

There are so many worse things she could have done. Taking her lunch money and missing lunch to buy a ticket to a game is not that bad. I used to use my lunch money as a kid and save up to buy my mom flowers from the greenhouse we had at school. I would hate to think my mom would have grounded me. There are many more battles ahead.

 

[curious3069]

Ditto.
I have to admit I saw a huge red flag that NHdisneylover spelled out very well here. I suspect you're headed into the teen years with a daughter who doesn't care about anything because she's had to learn that skill in order to survive a parent who takes away anything the daughter DOES develop feelings for.

I see lying and stealing in the future. Big time.

BINGO! I do understand that parents want their children to follow their rules, and if she was diabetic and it was essential that she eat lunch, I could understand being upset over not eating. It's $5.00. I just can't get past the fact that a 12 year old can't make the decision where to spend $5.00.

 

[LuvLDM]

Well, you are accusing your child of stealing when most parents are saying it's no big deal, so that seems worked up to me.

Honestly, now that I think about it, I can't imagine having this kind of thought process. In my house, if this had happened, I'd have said, "Hey, the school called and your lunch account is empty. What happened to the 5 bucks I gave you tihs morning?" "Oh, I spent it on a powder puff ticket instead and had a cheese sandwich. Can you give me some more lunch money?" "Sure, here you go." End of story.

Yup, same here.

 

[allison443]

Thanks to the posters who did not attack me! Even if we don't see eye to eye - thanks for not attacking.


No she has never had problems with deception. Yes, I feel that she did steal it from me - even though I handed it to her. I guess that's a differerence - I don't feel that rummaging thru my purse is any different.

The reason she was told was not to spend the $ on anything else was because that day I gave her $ for another event -they were serving hamburgers/pizza for some reason - so we discussed how much $ she needed for that - I gave it to her & then extra $5 for lunch $ (all the cash I had @ the time) and told her to make sure to put it in her lunch acct.

She didn't tell me she didn't use the money for lunch (or that she hadn't eaten lunch) I got the automated phone call from the school telling me the acct was empty that evening & I asked her why.

Maybe she felt bad that she knew she was going to keep having to ask you for money in the near future...she would have to ask for ticket money for the game, then more money to replenish the lunch account soon (after she spent the five dollars you gave her.) Maybe she figured it was a good thing to skip lunch and use the money for the game ticket?

Also "telling her to put it in her lunch account" to me is different from saying "do not spend this on anything else except lunch." I mean, the lunch money was for her to use, right? I feel like she made a conscious decision to forego her own lunch to buy the ticket. Maybe all her friends were buying their game tickets at that time, who knows.

Anyway I wouldn't punish her. She went without lunch and that is its own natural consequence, as others said.

 

[allison443]

Well, you are accusing your child of stealing when most parents are saying it's no big deal, so that seems worked up to me.

Honestly, now that I think about it, I can't imagine having this kind of thought process. In my house, if this had happened, I'd have said, "Hey, the school called and your lunch account is empty. What happened to the 5 bucks I gave you tihs morning?" "Oh, I spent it on a powder puff ticket instead and had a cheese sandwich. Can you give me some more lunch money?" "Sure, here you go." End of story.

I totally agree.

 

[Minnesota!]

amen!!!!!!!!

Mom - you need to get a grip.

I got $10 at the start of every week in HS. it had to last me. I decided most times to get a bag of chips each day (.60) leaving me with about $7 for the week. Which got me cigarettes.

 

[Jennasis]

Well thank God she didn't use that $5 to buy some magic beans!

 

[DebD4T]

Sorry you feel as if you are being attacked, OP. But you have gotten some really good advise/observations here.

I understand that you are disappointed that she disobeyed you, and rightfully so. Unfortunatly, this will probably be the first of many times that she does something that you don't agree with. That is just a fact of growing up and testing their independence.

My youngest DD is in middle school. It is not an easy time. They are desperately trying to fit in while also trying to find themselves. Their social life is of MAJOR importance!! LOL!

As others have said, now you need to pick your battles. Personally, this is not one I would pick.

Good luck and I hope you resolve things with your DD.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

I'm not sure if this has been asked yet, but OP, is money a topic of regular discussion in the household? [BTW - totally personal question and I do not expect you to post your answer, just ask yourself.]

If it is, whether you realize it or not, she may have felt that "the last money you had" was the end of it for the time being and didn't realize there was money that would be allotted for the game.

There is a small chance that she felt that she had to choose between her ticket and her lunch, and chose what was more important to her at the time. Kids pick up on stuff that we don't realize we vocalize, especially discussions about money.

It may or may not be the case, but that is my thought about the situation. I would be a little miffed too, knowing that I gave money for food, then received a call that the account was drained, but I don't 100% believe she did so with malicious intentions.

 

[csjordan]

BINGO! I do understand that parents want their children to follow their rules, and if she was diabetic and it was essential that she eat lunch, I could understand being upset over not eating. It's $5.00. I just can't get past the fact that a 12 year old can't make the decision where to spend $5.00.

She didn't give DD $5.00 to do with it what she wanted. She gave her DD $5.00 for lunch and SPECIFICALLY TOLD HER NOT TO SPEND IT ELSEWHERE. That is where DD should have said she also needed money for the game.

I see ALOT of posters on here assuming this mom is overbearing, which I don't see at all. I wouldn't have been very happy if my DD had done this.

Had mom given her $5 and said do with it what you like, that would be a different story.

I have a 12 year old who knows that when I give him money for a specific thing, that is where the money goes...end of story.

The fact that she didn't eat isn't punishment. I don't think the Mom should go to the school, but I do think this should be addressed.

 

[Frantasmic]

I wouldn't categorize this as complete disobedience, but specific disobedience. You specifically told her not to use that money for anything other than the intended purpose, and then she did.

In all matters of parenting, it is going to be different with each family. Some people let their kids get away with minor infractions because they made you laugh when doing it or said something clever or showed some form of mature decision making/choice making in their disobedience. We can all think of an instance when this has occurred while raising our children.

Does that make us bad parents? No, it makes us human.

Your daughter specifically disobeyed you. It won't be the first time she did this. If it is important for you to have her follow the letter of the law that you impose, by all means you should do some form of punishment to her that fits the crime (i.e., costs about $5 in time and/or effort to correct). The main thing should be to reinforce what you expect out of her so that she learns.

Your child, your rules. You've gotten many opinions. Now, do what you feel is right for your house/your child.

 

[PaulaSB12]

She didn't give DD $5.00 to do with it what she wanted. She gave her DD $5.00 for lunch and SPECIFICALLY TOLD HER NOT TO SPEND IT ELSEWHERE. That is where DD should have said she also needed money for the game.

I see ALOT of posters on here assuming this mom is overbearing, which I don't see at all. I wouldn't have been very happy if my DD had done this.

Had mom given her $5 and said do with it what you like, that would be a different story.

I have a 12 year old who knows that when I give him money for a specific thing, that is where the money goes...end of story.

The fact that she didn't eat isn't punishment. I don't think the Mom should go to the school, but I do think this should be addressed.

She is 12 with no allowance and no way of earning money (I presume she is too young for a job) how on earth is she going to get money for anything if she isn't allowed some. The op went on to say she has nothing that can be taken from her that sounds depressing in itself. If this needs to be addressed she needs to be given (or earn by chores) an allowance, how is she to learn how to handle money if she isn't allowed any?

 

[jodifla]

OP, I agree with many others that the overall picture you paint is alarming. Your harsh, over-the-top view that your child is "completely disobedient" and STOLE from you for such a minor event, paired with the fact that your child is underachieving in school and has no curricular activities to even take away.

None of that is normal. It does sound like your daughter is trying to develop coping skills to deal with her home life. If she doesn't have anything or care about anything, then that doesn't leave much for you to threaten her with, does it? Not very pretty.

 

[llwtaylor]

I think alot of assumptions are being made here. She is simply asking for well-meaning advice, not personal attack. Each of us parent differently, and some minor infractions are let go while others are not, depending on the child and the situation at the time. I am sure that each of you have had "snap" reactions, when you have had a bad day (such as yelling over something petty) that you later regret. Does that make you a horrible parent? No, it makes you human. We all are. Nobody's perfect. So stop judging, assuming, and attacking, and let's all do our best to offer friendly advice.

 

[PaulaSB12]

I think alot of assumptions are being made here. She is simply asking for well-meaning advice, not personal attack. Each of us parent differently, and some minor infractions are let go while others are not, depending on the child and the situation at the time. I am sure that each of you have had "snap" reactions, when you have had a bad day (such as yelling over something petty) that you later regret. Does that make you a horrible parent? No, it makes you human. We all are. Nobody's perfect. So stop judging, assuming, and attacking, and let's all do our best to offer friendly advice.

No one is judging her not me, I am coming from someone who knows what it is like to be a depressed 12 year old. At her age I was solitary because of bullying at school and had only one desire which was death. Please get some help for her because she really sounds depressed.

 

[SunnyP4Disney]

I'd place her in therapy now. Misuse of lunch money leads to the misuse of your employer's washing machine later in life and, as everybody knows, that leads to shaking other people's babies.

I agree, it's definitely a slippery slope this young lady is on...

 

[allison443]

She didn't give DD $5.00 to do with it what she wanted. She gave her DD $5.00 for lunch and SPECIFICALLY TOLD HER NOT TO SPEND IT ELSEWHERE. That is where DD should have said she also needed money for the game.

I see ALOT of posters on here assuming this mom is overbearing, which I don't see at all. I wouldn't have been very happy if my DD had done this.

Had mom given her $5 and said do with it what you like, that would be a different story.

I have a 12 year old who knows that when I give him money for a specific thing, that is where the money goes...end of story.

The fact that she didn't eat isn't punishment. I don't think the Mom should go to the school, but I do think this should be addressed.

That conversation that OP had with her dd sounds a little odd, though...here is $5 for lunch, do not spend it on anything else. I mean, why would mom say that? The kid was going to school, what else did the mom think she was going to spend it on that she specifically spelled out NOT to spend it on anything else? OP said this wasn't a problem before so isn't it a little odd to instruct the dd NOT to spend it on something else?

I understand the dd was given the money specifically to put in her lunch account. But why would OP even say, Don't spend it on anything else except lunch??


edited to add, now if OP had told her kid she couldn't go to the game, and dd went ahead and used the money for the ticket, that's a different issue. Not the case though.

 

[llwtaylor]

No one is judging her not me, I am coming from someone who knows what it is like to be a depressed 12 year old. At her age I was solitary because of bullying at school and had only one desire which was death. Please get some help for her because she really sounds depressed.

I am so sorry for what you went through. I grew up in an abusive home myself, so I do understand how you felt. I do have to say, though, that it is an assumption as far as I can tell that this young lady is depressed. I certainly hope not. But if she is, I agree that she needs help.

 

[padams]

OP, your dd needs an allowance or a way to make some money- extra chores or babysitting. If money is too tight in your household to give her any money, then you need to let her ask friends and neighbors if they need a pet sitter, a babysitter, someone to pick up the mail, etc.

I made a LOT of money babysitting at that age.

She shouldn't be punished over the $5. She is just trying to do what the other kids at school are doing, and that is simply buy a powder puff ticket.

 

[Ceila]

I think she's alrady had her consequence - not having lunch that day. She wanted to go to the game, and maybe she was afraid that the tickets would see out. You said that she doesn't participate in extra-curricular activities - in your situation I would be happy that my daughter was taking an interest in going to something at school.

Whatever you do, I really, really hope you don't go to the school and embarass her. There's no reason for that at all. And I hope you let her attend the game. Like I said, she already chose her own consequence.