so I gave dd lunch $ & she used it for somethining else

[RunningGirl]

Thanks to the posters who did not attack me! Even if we don't see eye to eye - thanks for not attacking.


No she has never had problems with deception. Yes, I feel that she did steal it from me - even though I handed it to her. I guess that's a differerence - I don't feel that rummaging thru my purse is any different.

The reason she was told was not to spend the $ on anything else was because that day I gave her $ for another event -they were serving hamburgers/pizza for some reason - so we discussed how much $ she needed for that - I gave it to her & then extra $5 for lunch $ (all the cash I had @ the time) and told her to make sure to put it in her lunch acct.

She didn't tell me she didn't use the money for lunch (or that she hadn't eaten lunch) I got the automated phone call from the school telling me the acct was empty that evening & I asked her why.

Still not a big deal. Natural consequences - cheese sandwich and now she may have to pack a lunch for a couple of days. If I had a daughter with no extracurricular activities and nothing to take away but a radio (i.e. no cell phone or computer to keep in touch with friends) I'd be thrilled she was going to a powder puff game. She needs a social life which, honestly, is pretty tough in middle school without the electronic media. Her friends were buying tickets and she didn't want to be left out. She's a middle schooler. Please give her a break; it is definitely not the same as rummaging through your purse and taking money.

 

[DVCLiz]

Thanks to the posters who did not attack me! Even if we don't see eye to eye - thanks for not attacking.


No she has never had problems with deception. Yes, I feel that she did steal it from me - even though I handed it to her. I guess that's a differerence - I don't feel that rummaging thru my purse is any different.

The reason she was told was not to spend the $ on anything else was because that day I gave her $ for another event -they were serving hamburgers/pizza for some reason - so we discussed how much $ she needed for that - I gave it to her & then extra $5 for lunch $ (all the cash I had @ the time) and told her to make sure to put it in her lunch acct.

She didn't tell me she didn't use the money for lunch (or that she hadn't eaten lunch) I got the automated phone call from the school telling me the acct was empty that evening & I asked her why.

I'm just curious - why don't you write checks for this kind of thing?

I ask because if I had to remember to give my daughter cash every day for lunch I'd go crazy. I write a check at the beginning of the semester and I don't have to think of it anymore. How she spends it is up to her.

I'm also wondering why you don't give her an allowance for the powder puff kind of stuff. Again, if I had to dole out the cash for every little thing...maybe you like having that kind of control over her spending? Personally, I passed that kind of stuff over to the DDs once they hit middle school.

And finally - stealing? Really? Wow, you are much harsher than I would be in that situation. I can't imagine even thinking that about my own child.

 

[Dr.Girlfriend]

I agree-she chose to go without lunch vs the football game. End of story. Next time give her a check for lunch money.

If this is your only worry in raising your child, I seriously applaud you. Spending lunch money on a game is no big deal, IMO.

 

[Magpie]

so to you going thru a purse to get $ is stealing - but money handed to you for a specific purpose is not?

No... partly because once something is out of my hands, it's no longer mine. The money was gone the minute you gave it to her. She didn't break into your purse, or go through your pockets. You gave her money, and she decided to do something different than what you told her to do.

My only concern would be if this would somehow end up costing me MORE money in the long term (ie, if I had to pay for the cheese sandwich they gave her in the lunch line). Then I'd want her to compensate me for that cost.

If it doesn't cost me any more - and in fact costs me less, because now I don't have to pay for the Powerpuff thing - then I'd let it go. Although, again, I wouldn't be giving her cash in the future, since it's annoying that I can't trust it'll be spent on what I want it spent on.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Who's all worked up?

I think using the term "complete disobedince" in the OP seems worked up to many of us. I wouldn't think to describe a 12 year old spending $5 on something I am okay with her doing at school after being told before school to spend that money on lunch and then fessing up that is what she had done when questioned in that way. If she had spent the money on something she had been forbidden to have and then lied about it and tried to cover her tracks when you asked her why you got the automated call THEN I would use that term.

Also, seeing this as stealing in the same way that rummaging through your purse to take the $5 without you knowledge would be. I don't think most people woudl see this in the same ligth as you seem to--perhaps your daughter does not either and that might be part of the issue

 

[Molliday]

so to you going thru a purse to get $ is stealing - but money handed to you for a specific purpose is not?

That pretty much sums it up. Stealing is done with malice, using money for something that you said yourself, you would have given her, is completely different, IMO. Perhaps she used bad judgment, but that is not stealing to me.

 

[MichelleVW]

Who's all worked up?

You posted on a message board about "complete disobedience" over $5 and asked how to punish her. That is going a little overboard if you ask me, which you did, by posting on a public message board.

I think using the term "complete disobedince" in the OP seems worked up to many of us. I wouldn't think to describe a 12 year old spending $5 on something I am okay with her doing at school after being told before school to spend that money on lunch and then fessing up that is what she had done when questioned in that way. If she had spent the money on something she had been forbidden to have and then lied about it and tried to cover her tracks when you asked her why you got the automated call THEN I would use that term.

Also, seeing this as stealing in the same way that rummaging through your purse to take the $5 without you knowledge would be. I don't think most people woudl see this in the same ligth as you seem to--perhaps your daughter does not either and that might be part of the issue

exactly.

 

[DVCLiz]

Who's all worked up?

Well, you are accusing your child of stealing when most parents are saying it's no big deal, so that seems worked up to me.

Honestly, now that I think about it, I can't imagine having this kind of thought process. In my house, if this had happened, I'd have said, "Hey, the school called and your lunch account is empty. What happened to the 5 bucks I gave you tihs morning?" "Oh, I spent it on a powder puff ticket instead and had a cheese sandwich. Can you give me some more lunch money?" "Sure, here you go." End of story.

 

[TanyaLovesPooh]

if i told dd that money was for an expressed purpose and she opted to use it for something else, that something else would be gone.

ITA.

The result of her disobedience would be that she would not go to the game. However, I would not go to the school and embarrass her.

 

[NHdisneylover]

so to you going thru a purse to get $ is stealing - but money handed to you for a specific purpose is too?

To ME--of the money given was for something YOU would have to pay for no matter what (ie she spent it on something else and now you still have to pay for the original item) like a doctor's appointment, or some groceries she have to pick up for you--then I can see your point. But, since in the end this money was for her and only her (she eats the lunch) and you are not paying anything else, then no I do not think it is stealing. I would liken it to something like my husbands per diem traveling. He gets X amount per day (varies depending on where he is" which is technically to pay his meals. He can eat for less, or even skip a meal now and again and then he still gets to keep the extra--conversely he can eat a nicer meal and chose to pay the difference himself. That is not stealing either.

 

[Hannathy]

Well, you are accusing your child of stealing when most parents are saying it's no big deal, so that seems worked up to me.

Honestly, now that I think about it, I can't imagine having this kind of thought process. In my house, if this had happened, I'd have said, "Hey, the school called and your lunch account is empty. What happened to the 5 bucks I gave you tihs morning?" "Oh, I spent it on a powder puff ticket instead and had a cheese sandwich. Can you give me some more lunch money?" "Sure, here you go." End of story.

In my house to followed by I hope you have fun at the game, but next time remind me you want to buy your ticket-you don't have to do without lunch.

 

[RitaE]

I have to agree with the others.
And from this and your other thread it seems to me like your daughter probably needs an allowance.

Its kind of funny that you equate this to taking from your purse. It doesn't seem nearly the same to me at all, but I did have a son who in the 7th grade stole from me. Aside from my anger at him, that whole experience made it pretty clear to me that although I didn't approve of his methods of getting the money, my son did have some things he wanted to buy and he needed access to money somehow.

So that was the year that we really defined his jobs around the house and what we paid him. From that point on he paid for those types of things out of his own money.

 

[MichelleVW]

Well, you are accusing your child of stealing when most parents are saying it's no big deal, so that seems worked up to me.

Honestly, now that I think about it, I can't imagine having this kind of thought process. In my house, if this had happened, I'd have said, "Hey, the school called and your lunch account is empty. What happened to the 5 bucks I gave you tihs morning?" "Oh, I spent it on a powder puff ticket instead and had a cheese sandwich. Can you give me some more lunch money?" "Sure, here you go." End of story.

In my house to followed by I hope you have fun at the game, but next time remind me you want to buy your ticket-you don't have to do without lunch.

What they said...that's how it would go at my house too.

 

[Buzz's Buddy]

Not stealing in my opinion and certainly nothing that requires punishment.

A simple talking to explaining that when you give her money for a specific purpose, the money needs to be used for that purpose would have ended it for me.

I would definitely not take the ticket away. Since she has no other activities, this seems like something you would want her to attend.

 

[shortbun]

I think you have missed the real issue altogether. A 12yo needs to have some spending money with them at school in case something comes up. You might need to embrace the fact that your daughter is able to prioritize for herself on some school issues and events. My son has always had some cash since he was about 8 and things like bake sales, popcorn days when other kids needed money, tickets for things he had forgotten about.....and so forth. Your daughter obviously had friends who were buying their tickets and she wanted to buy hers then, with them. She went without lunch or maybe the kids even did some problem solving and shared their lunch with her. they are getting older and you are still treating her like she's 6. She didn't lie, she didn't steal. All she did was choose another priority. She knew you were going to give her the money so she just spent another amount you gave her. I think you are going to have really big problems with her if you choose this as a battle. Natural consequences, Mom. She made a choice and spent the day without lunch. Issue over. I know this comes over kind of strong and I don't have time to rewrite but I simply ask you to come around to the fact that your daughter is growing up.

 

[MaumeeMom]

Thanks to the posters who did not attack me! Even if we don't see eye to eye - thanks for not attacking.


No she has never had problems with deception. Yes, I feel that she did steal it from me - even though I handed it to her. I guess that's a differerence - I don't feel that rummaging thru my purse is any different.

The reason she was told was not to spend the $ on anything else was because that day I gave her $ for another event -they were serving hamburgers/pizza for some reason - so we discussed how much $ she needed for that - I gave it to her & then extra $5 for lunch $ (all the cash I had @ the time) and told her to make sure to put it in her lunch acct.

She didn't tell me she didn't use the money for lunch (or that she hadn't eaten lunch) I got the automated phone call from the school telling me the acct was empty that evening & I asked her why.

To me there is a huge difference in spending money on something else and taking it from your purse, but, technically, you are right they are both stealing. Here are two scenarios to illustrate the differences:

1. You hand DD money for lunch. You have knowingly given over control of those funds and are aware that you are no longer in possession of the cash. She uses it for something other than lunch and she is the one who suffers for it by not eating. This is misuse of funds.

2. DD takes the money out of your purse. You are unaware that the cash is no longer in your possession until you need to use it. You may be in line at the grocery store and forced to use an alternate for of payment or put something back to lower your bill. Or, even worse, you have gone out to lunch, eaten and then had no way to pay the check. In the end, you are the one inconvenienced and possibly embarrassed.

Therefore, I feel stealing money out of a purse is a much worse infraction than using money given to you DD for another purpose.

 

[curious3069]

I would not punish her at all. She's 12 and old enough to decide what to do with $5.00, even with explicit instructions. Her consequence was to not eat lunch. I can't even fathom thinking that you should go to school and humiliate your daughter over $5.00. It's $5.00 and she didn't spend it on junk food, she bought a ticket for a school activity. Sounds like that would be a good thing for her to participate in.

I can understand why she wouldn't tell you about it, seeing how you are reacting over this little thing. What's going to happen when she starts going out with friends or on a date and you want to know what they did for the evening???

 

[Carly_Roach]

I can't imagine getting so worked up over something so petty.

Ditto.

2. You may be overly controlling of her life. You have not provided an allowance or anything else she values enough that it would bother her to lose it. You have not provided her a fun activity to look forward to (which can often HELP motivate a student). You have not provided her with belongings she cares for. You have not fostered her getting out and socializing (so that being grounded, not allowed to sue the phone, etc would be something to take away). Essentially, you have somehow managed to not allow her to hae a life beyond what you are there for in the moment (she doesn't even ave $5 for a ticket to a school event without asking for it--which for some reason she can;t or won't do).

I have to admit I saw a huge red flag that NHdisneylover spelled out very well here. I suspect you're headed into the teen years with a daughter who doesn't care about anything because she's had to learn that skill in order to survive a parent who takes away anything the daughter DOES develop feelings for.

I see lying and stealing in the future. Big time.

 

[Tinkermommy]

This would not even be a blip on my radar unless is was habitual behavior of her lying/deceiving/completely ignoring rules, etc.

Do you remember being 12? It is a hard time. Your body is changing, hormones are fluxing, peer pressure is high. I say cut the girl some slack.

To put it in perspective, she is not:
-Cutting classes
- Doing drugs
- Having sex
- Perpetually lying
- Or stealing money out of your purse!

I would give her an allowance and help her learn money management.

I certainly would NOT go to school and embarrass her!

The tween/teen years are rough. Kids need rules, but I also think they need a soft place to land when life is a little crazy and overwhelming.

 

[Creativebeth]

This kid has way more problems than missing a lunch. Some approaches to parenting can be viewed as cruel and unusual. All kids need 'stuff' they care about, and friends to hang with.....when you limit those things, rebellion is right around the corner. I feel bad for the 12 year old.....and THAT'S saying something......my kids think I am the meanest mom in the world!