So I’m in my 50s dating a man in his 70s...

[superme80]

My mom's friend from high school is 67 and married to a man in his mid 80s. They married about 20 years ago and couldn't be happier.

 

[gotomu212]

And that's what very connected people do for each other without hesitation. It wouldn't be thought of as an inconvenience.

Well if she just found out his age a few days ago they don’t sound all that connected yet.

OP have fun, enjoy it, but as a PP says have your eyes open and really think about what you are and are not up for. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy each other’s company but not get too serious if the idea or caretaking in the future doesn’t appeal to you. There’s no guarantee that he wouldn’t stay healthy for another 25 years too.

 

[dotfurio]

I think at that age you tend to think more about the possibility of the older person needing a caretaker, but I wouldn't let that be a dealbreaker. One partner becoming ill to that point could happen at any age.

 

[firecracker725]

Were the OP and her gentleman friend to find themselves in that situation - he'd be in his early nineties, and she'd be well into her seventies.

Just to note, MIL is 61 while FIL is 80.

 

[goofyernmost]

I just turned 70 and my age is the least of my issues when it comes to dating. Old, bald and fat are the ultimate trifecta for being alone for the duration. I can't do anything about my age so even if I bought the best hair piece and and lost a lot of weight, I still am older then dirt. It is easy to find platonic relationships with women my age, but, a romantic one is almost like moving a mountain with a teaspoon. I have found that women, who have accused men of being shallow are as body imaged shallow as men are if not more in some cases. Most of that is hard wired in peoples DNA because the entire purpose of attraction is to create new life. I am not without the ability, but, I sure as hell am without the desire for the pitter patter of little feet. (probably wouldn't be able to hear them anyway) And I would think that most women from 50 on are on the same page.

I have dated a lady that was 55 just recently, but, we just didn't click well enough to turn it into any sort of relationship. At my age what future do I have to offer. Perhaps if I were rich, but, alas I am not. (sigh)

Interesting discussion though.

 

[Myothername]

Thank you so much for the responses. We’ve only just started dating, just a few weeks. For now he makes me happy. I’m not saying I’m gonna marry him. I probably won’t. I love being free to do what I want (which he says he will never interfere with my activities). Right now I see no advantage of marrying. But hey it’s only been a few weeks.

 

[Marchand63]

I've had friends go through this, and though only you can follow your path, I would be wary. While you both may care for each other greatly, logically it's almost a given that at some very near point in the future you're going to transition from spouse to caregiver.

Watching a vibrant loving couple deal with sudden illness, incapacitation, and death was heartbreaking. The older one was fine – until he wasn't. Go in with your eyes open, I guess...

This happens even if there is no age difference. My DM became caregiver to my DF and he was 9 months younger than her. He became ill with heart then lung trouble. So it is not always an age thing, it is a love thing.

 

[clutter]

The caretaker thing can happen at any age, so that wouldn't be my first concern. The big one to me would be lifestyle. I'm getting close to retirement, so dating 'up' in age would have me meeting men that are already retired. I think the lifestyle differences would be too great. Travelling with someone who is retired while you are still working and saving would be tough, for one. I've got a long workweek when I throw in my commute - I don't see that meshing well with someone who is retired either.

 

[ronandannette]

As long as he's rich...

No joke! Like the quote below, at 70 one is likely to be retired and unless (s)he is able to "keep" the other, there will be the awkward disparity of the demands a career makes on one partner. It's also no small consideration that extended health-care needs will come into play and that's always much easier to navigate with adequate funds.

The caretaker thing can happen at any age, so that wouldn't be my first concern. The big one to me would be lifestyle. I'm getting close to retirement, so dating 'up' in age would have me meeting men that are already retired. I think the lifestyle differences would be too great. Travelling with someone who is retired while you are still working and saving would be tough, for one. I've got a long workweek when I throw in my commute - I don't see that meshing well with someone who is retired either.

Since we are not rich (LOL), I'll likely be working at least 10 years longer than my DH. It's a ways up the road for us but still impossible not to think about.

 

[nkereina]

The only times I would foresee this being an issue is in retirement and end of life.

OP may be too young to fully retire, while her partner is most likely already retired. If things work out, they'd likely want to enjoy retirement time together and by the time OP is ready to, will her partner still have gas in the tank to do things retired people like to do? I'm thinking travel, golf, etc. And at end of life, with a significant age gap, it may unfortunately mean OP has a number of years to spend alone. It also may mean she'd spend retirement years caring for him who'd likely need assistance by that time.

All of this is very subjective of course and its impossible to say without knowing the circumstances, but these are things I'd consider when dating someone with an age difference.

 

[DisReno]

See, I think women do a much better looking young. With the right hair, makeup, and outfit, a fit woman can look many, many years younger than she is. I know a bunch of fifty-something guys who are gym rats & they try to dress young. They just look ridiculous.

I think it's the opposite. I'm 50 and I think my best looking days are behind me. It's frustrating, but I just don't think a women over 50 is attractive to men.

That being said, what about the physical nature of the relationship? Is a man in his 70's interested?

 

[Marchand63]

I think it's the opposite. I'm 50 and I think my best looking days are behind me. It's frustrating, but I just don't think a women over 50 is attractive to men.

That being said, what about the physical nature of the relationship? Is a man in his 70's interested?

WOW what a sad statement! I asked my DH if something happened to me would he look for a younger woman. His exact answer was why? I would actually like to have something in common with her. Lowest he said he would go was 54 - he is 59. When we started dating (46 & 48) he turned down plenty women in their 30s - just had nothing in common. But then again guess he isn't shallow.

 

[morgan98]

WOW what a sad statement! I asked my DH if something happened to me would he look for a younger woman. His exact answer was why? I would actually like to have something in common with her. Lowest he said he would go was 54 - he is 59. When we started dating (46 & 48) he turned down plenty women in their 30s - just had nothing in common. But then again guess he isn't shallow.

I also think it is sad because while I understand 50 is not young like say, 22, it is not like being 80 either. While technically, my best days in terms of appearance may be behind me, I am far from being a lost cause and can hold my own.

 

[DisReno]

WOW what a sad statement! I asked my DH if something happened to me would he look for a younger woman. His exact answer was why? I would actually like to have something in common with her. Lowest he said he would go was 54 - he is 59. When we started dating (46 & 48) he turned down plenty women in their 30s - just had nothing in common. But then again guess he isn't shallow.

That's good to know! Again, this is just my perception of myself and my girlfriends. My husband doesn't share it, and I don't ask other men if they do or not. It would be interesting to find out!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think that many men around 70 and up would laugh at that question!!!!!
Sure, things might not be what they were... but I would never assume that somebody older isn't interested!!!
I think that would vary, GREATLY, by individual.

OP, as for me... I am not getting any younger. Let's assume that you and I are close in age.
Just for me... I can't see myself with an older man at that age, right now.
I just really do not see that, for me.

But, for you... Hey!!!
I think that your last update really nails your thoughts and attitudes.
But, you did mention that it was important for you that you are fee to go and do as you have.
I do think that, as others have mentioned, his ability to be active, and go and do, and not have to hope that you could give up a lot to become a caretaker, could come sooner than later.
Something to consider as you move forward, and possibly become more committed and attached.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Dis Reno.... again, I am close in age to the OP here. And, you as well.
While my hair is getting more gray every day...
And, I have no delusions about being like model attractive...
I can put on my make-up, put up my hair, put on that little dress and those shoes (even though, yes, they make my feet hurt!!!)
And I don't think my age, alone, means that I don't look/feel/act attractive, desireable, and maybe even sexy.
It is all about attitude and personality!!!!

(and with a little class... NOT in the way of those men mentioned who think they can die their hair, wear young mens clothes with the shirts half-way unbuttoned.)

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Pickleball?

It's kind of a cross between ping pong, badminton, and tennis. It's played with paddles on a court roughly the size as a badminton court but the net is low like a tennis net. There are no overhead serves. You have to serve below your navel. There is also a no volley zone up next to the net. It's mainly for safety reasons. Everyone would crowd the net if they could because volleying is even more advantageous than it is in tennis doubles and then suddenly you have 4 people whacking it at each other from very close range. Originally invented to be a little kid's game, it is played mostly by older people that really no longer have the range to play tennis.

 

[dish rag]

I think it's the opposite. I'm 50 and I think my best looking days are behind me. It's frustrating, but I just don't think a women over 50 is attractive to men.

That being said, what about the physical nature of the relationship? Is a man in his 70's interested?

I wouldn't think that. My wife is over 55 and looks amazing and is very fit and lean. Better shape than most who are in their 20's but she works very hard at that, gym, cycling, yoga, swimming and horse riding, yes she colors her hair, is at the hair place now lol. But it's obvious that she is in her 50's. To me, I much prefer the mature look of someone in their 50's. So don't think your better days are behind you. There are lots of guys my age who would want nothing to do with a young one.

 

[Imzadi]

I also think it is sad because while I understand 50 is not young like say, 22, it is not like being 80 either. While technically, my best days in terms of appearance may be behind me, I am far from being a lost cause and can hold my own.

There is a concept here in the U.S. where women in their 50's turn into an "Invisible Woman." (Underlining mine.)

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/11/older-women-feeling-invisible_n_6140494.html

5 Reasons To Enjoy Being An Older ‘Invisible’ Woman
by Kristine Holmgren

Once upon a time, I was a show-stopping “looker,” a major babe.

Young, lovely, blonde and adorable, people (especially men) paid close attention to how I looked, what I said, how I moved.

Then, I grew old and became invisible.

I wish I could tell you it happened in stages. It didn’t. It happened on my 50th birthday. The day before, I was young, interesting, important. The next, I was invisible.


Overnight, I became someone people overlooked, ignored. I spoke, and no one responded. I entered a room and no one (especially men) noticed.


I turned 50 and joined the community of invisible women.

However, being old is not a curse. It’s a blessing.

The transition took some adjusting. For the past 15 years, I’ve been managing my new status. And now, I don’t mind aging at all. In fact, I think I’m doing well at the entire endeavor.

I don’t mind living in the shadows either. I welcome them and learned there are advantages to being invisible.

And so — with great humility — I offer the top five reasons to enjoy being an old, invisible woman:

1. The freedom to stare

When you’re old and invisible, no one cares if you stare.

When I was young, people noticed what I noticed and paid attention to the things that caught my attention.

No more. Being old and invisible gives me the license to leer.

This is a good thing.

The more I leer, the more I learn.

Invisible, I am free. I sit in coffee shops and watch parents struggle with irritable toddlers and young lovers squabble.

All of this becomes fodder for my playwriting, my essays.

2. The freedom to interfere

When you’re a young woman, your opinions are discarded if your hair is dirty or your shoes are out of date.

If you don’t agree, consider what the media did to young Hillary when she wore a headband, or what it does today to Britney when she gains weight.

Consider how we love the post-partum Princess of Wales because of her beauty.

Younger women are held to high standards of physical attraction. That’s not the case when women age. Overnight we fade into the wallpaper. We’re invisible.

You don’t see us coming when we drop-kick our compassion all over you.

Example: When I was a young mother, a trip to Wal-Mart at 4 p.m. meant watching children throw ugly toddler tantrums and listening to their mothers scream. Many times, the mothers behaved worse than their children.

Even so, I never interfered. I was young, but I wasn’t stupid. My opinions would be rejected — and I knew it.

Now, as an old, invisible woman, I interfere all the time.

“It’s hard to be a little girl,” I say to the child as I help her to her feet and pass her a peeled banana.

“I think both you and your little kiddo could use a nutritious snack and a nice, long nap,” I offer the mother.

Interrupting bad behavior is an old woman’s secret approach to making the world a better place for younger women.

And so far, my meddling has never, ever been rejected.

Every time I interfere — every single time — someone thanks me.

3. The freedom to fight back

When we are young, the well-being of our families is directly dependent upon our ability to get along with others (mostly men).

Women are trained from early childhood to yield to forces that control our lives.

At work, we are seldom brave; we seldom break rank or challenge the people (mostly men) who treat us poorly.

At home, we cooperate with our husbands to keep our families harmonious. We ask little and expect less. We build up everyone around us and hope that our families become stronger because of our hard work.

And so it happens that most of our young lives are devoted to pleasing people (mostly men).

Then, we grow old.

In a heartbeat, dependency is over. We draw down our pensions and secure our Social Security.

And we are no longer for sale.

Invisible, old women with strong opinions and independent means have little to lose.

Invite us to your rallies. Include us in your demonstrations.

We can be dangerous.

4. The freedom to love

No one forgives, understands or opens her heart like an old woman.

We know your struggle. If we haven’t lived through it, we know others who have.

Being old bestows a perception of reality that youth and beauty envy. Our only care is for peace and contentment.

If you have an old woman in your life, count on her to settle any dispute that threatens to divide your family.

Lean on her.

Her first gift is the gift of her undivided attention.

Her best gift is love.

5. The freedom to pass it on

Your world was first made habitable by the hard work of women who are old and invisible.

Without the leadership of the old women around you, your sweet life would be a little more bitter.

You don’t believe me?

Consider this: If you are a woman and have done any of the following, you did so because an old woman first made it possible: opened a checking account; secured a credit card, mortgage, auto loan or lease without the co-signature of a man; demanded you be paid the same wage as men doing your job; asked and received a prescription for birth control — without your husband’s approval or father’s consent; played hockey, football, basketball or soccer in high school, college or as a profession.

So, put that in your pipe and smoke it.

And then, take a moment to thank an old woman for her sacrifice.

Believe me, the women who opened these doors for you did so by limiting their own professional, personal futures.

We spoke out nonetheless because we wanted a better world for you and your children.

So tell an old woman you appreciate her sacrifice, her hard work, her good nature. Tell her she inspires you to be better person. Promise her you’ll work to advance your generation.

But don’t make it into a big deal.

She’s old. She doesn’t need the attention.

She loves being invisible.​

 

[SharonZ]

When I was younger, it wouldn't have mattered at all to me. Now that I am in my 50's, I think that much of an age difference would be a deal breaker.