so frustrated with my dad

[abmitch01]

my mom is terminally ill and I'm a single mom who had a nice town home in the same town as my parents. My son decided he preferred living with dad most of the time. I took a huge loss in child support but I respected my son's decision. I could've stayed in the townhouse but it would've been tight. My parents and I sat down and decided to go in on a new construction handicapped accessible ranch for them and me and my DD 15. We would be able to pool expenses, I'm a hospice nurse, I could help care for my mom as she worsens, Claire would be able to get closer to her grandparents. My parents' home sold the day they listed it. Mine took longer and sold for a lot less than I had anticipated. So my parents took a mortgage out for my share that I would pay off when my home sold.

Well, my home sold a month ago. I cannot get my dad to sit down and go over money. He put a ton of improvements in the house that I told him I just couldn't afford without saving first, he went ahead anyway. I have tried numerous times to sit him down and go over me paying off the mortgage, going over the monthly bills, etc. He keeps blowing me off. I can't figure it out. You'd think he'd want my money. I don't get it. It's driving me crazy because I keep a pretty tight leash on my money, I know what's going where. I can't plan anything now because I don't know the household bills. He also forgot our meeting with the elder law attorney who said the trust would pay half, and my dad and I would each put in 100K. He thinks he's being ripped off somehow. Luckily my mom kept the lawyers notes.

how would you handle this?

 

[eliza61]

first, you do exactly what you're doing. You go some where (the dis, a friend) etc to blow off steam.

Next, big hugs to you, you've got a lot on your plate.

Now, you're dad may have his own issues, remember he's dealing with a wife who is terminally ill, moving, now money issues.
believe me, dealing with a terminally ill spouse is like falling down the "proverbial" rabbit hole. Your reality is no longer what you believe.

Now it sounds like you are a fairly organized person especially with your budget. Dad may not be able to process that right now. Maybe his doing the home improvements are his way of dealing with all the changes going on. and when my dh was battling cancer, sorry the last thing I could focus on was the bills. I'm very lucky that I have a fabulous sister because after my dh died, I did nothing. I don't remember how the mortgage got paid, how my sons college tuition got paid. NOTHING.

lastly, don't forget that you are his daughter. There is still a "child-parent" dynamic going on no matter how old you get. I faced that with my dad as he got older. no matter what I suggested I was still "the child"

My only counsel is to involve your mom as much as possible and to exercise a lot of patience. Also accept the reality that your dad may never "act" like you would or how you would like him to. If not you're going to be at loggerheads.

you just have to find a firm footing for you all to co-exist.

 

[abmitch01]

I just feel like I'm not pulling my weight, he wan't take any money til we sit down.

 

[mckelvey72]

So sorry for what you are going thru. I think Dad is just doing anything he can to take care of someone and keep busy at this point.

Save your money and one day it might be needed and you will have it to present to him.

 

[pryncess527]

I just feel like I'm not pulling my weight, he wan't take any money til we sit down.

I don't know what your relationship is like with your parents, but I know my mom well enough to know that, no matter what we agreed to, she'd NEVER let me pull my financial weight. She just doesn't think parents should need financial help from their kids and she can be VERY stubborn. She might agree to a situation where we pooled expenses in a time of need, but then she'd fight to cover as much of my costs as she could muster. It's just who she is and I have to love her for it, and find other ways to help her out. It'd be much harder in a situation like you describe, admittedly, but it could be the case that your father is reluctant to let you pull your own weight. He may need to take care of someone right now. Sometimes it's nice to tackle problems you can solve when you are burdened with problems you can't solve.

It's hard without knowing the bills, but I'd just do my own budget and set aside some money based on what I could handle and estimate and keep socking it away so that one day, if he needs it or if he's ready to have the conversation, you'll have the money to chip in.

 

[abmitch01]

I never thought about it that way

 

[Luvchefmic]

I agree with what others have said. I also think, trying to put myself in his shoes, that so much is spinning out of his control that he has to still feel like he can provide for his family (and that includes you) and " fix" things.

Relax, go give him a hug. You all need each other in these very trying times.

 

[buzz2400]

I am going through a somewhat similar scenario. My mom has early stages dementia. I already live with my parents and my 22 year old son. I basically handle all the financial stuff already but I still want to run everything by my father before I do anything. He just ignores me or tells me "do whatever you want". Same thing with my mother's care. I don't want to step on his toes and go over him since it is his wife but he just ignores me.

I will say that I do see him struggling with the idea of losing his wife. And also since I am living there I also am struggling and sometimes I also don't care what is going on because of what lies ahead.

The best advice that I can offer is just keep the money safe somewhere for use at a later time. At least that is what I am doing now. Right now just be there for your mom and dad. Everything will fall into place at the end.

 

[seashoreCM]

Could it be that your dad wants you to have a nice big inheritance?

Whatever "debt" you owe him that he fails or neglects to collect becomes a defacto addition to your inheritance.

 

[trinchick]

I don't know what your relationship is like with your parents, but I know my mom well enough to know that, no matter what we agreed to, she'd NEVER let me pull my financial weight. She just doesn't think parents should need financial help from their kids and she can be VERY stubborn. She might agree to a situation where we pooled expenses in a time of need, but then she'd fight to cover as much of my costs as she could muster. It's just who she is and I have to love her for it, and find other ways to help her out. It'd be much harder in a situation like you describe, admittedly, but it could be the case that your father is reluctant to let you pull your own weight. He may need to take care of someone right now. Sometimes it's nice to tackle problems you can solve when you are burdened with problems you can't solve.

It's hard without knowing the bills, but I'd just do my own budget and set aside some money based on what I could handle and estimate and keep socking it away so that one day, if he needs it or if he's ready to have the conversation, you'll have the money to chip in.

This sounds right to me.