So embarassed!!

[PolyndianPrincessJes]

Due to current guardianship battles, DS's (not bio DS, his mother passed four years ago last week) other family is temporarily given visitation twice a month. According to this temporary ruling, they are to follow his schedule, and that included a birthday party last weekend (well, I guess two weekends ago). We've been out of school here since Wednesday (snow days), so I haven't been able to chat with the birthday boy's parents. We're cordial but not friends (hello in the hallways, they me help out with class parties, etc.). Anyway, I just recently found out that DS's aunt decided to bring her other nephew, too. I am so embarassed!! I would never bring a child to a party to which he/she wasn't invited! This child lives in another city (as does the aunt) and knows none of the children. The aunt is not the caregiver for this child, so it's not like she had no choice but to take him if she took DS.

As an aside, the relationship between the aunt and I is not amicable (she is very jealous of me and my family in that we are DS's primary caregivers, and she wanted guardianship of him when his mother died) here, so I have a feeling it was partly because of that. "This is my time, and I'll do as I please" mentality. I've repeatedly tried to convey that we do not have to be friends but that we must have a good working relationship.

Anyway, her faux pas has made it's way through the grapevine back to me, and I'm not sure where to go from here. I will definitely send an email or call the birthday boy's parents to apologize, but should I say something to the aunt? DS's best friend's birthday party is this weekend (which happens to be their weekend), and it is an ice skating pay-per-child party. I will be at this party since the mother and I are friends. Should I let her know that if she chooses to bring another child(ren) she will be responsible for paying their way and they may or may not receive perks from the party (gift, cake, extra ice time, etc.)? The other nephew has two brothers, as well, that she sometimes brings along with her. I have no problem when these other boys show up to play (uninvited or not) at something hosted by our family since they are DS's family, but another child's party isn't the time or place, IMO.

 

[Bren's Mom]

I think you should stay out of it. Since YOU are not committing the faux pas, and you don't have control over the aunt. If the birthday parent was concerned about people bring extra kids/siblings they should have made that clear on the invite, or they can deal with it if the situation arises.

 

[Darcy03231]

I think you should stay out of it. Since YOU are not committing the faux pas, and you don't have control over the aunt. If the birthday parent was concerned about people bring extra kids/siblings they should have made that clear on the invite, or they can deal with it if the situation arises.

I agree

 

[Magic Mom]

Don't do anything. If the mother of the party boy mentions it to you then apologize, but other than that, nothing. The relationship with the Aunt is already strained and getting into it with her about her social skills will just aggravate the situation and create more tension for your DS.

 

[PolyndianPrincessJes]

I think you should stay out of it. Since YOU are not committing the faux pas, and you don't have control over the aunt. If the birthday parent was concerned about people bring extra kids/siblings they should have made that clear on the invite, or they can deal with it if the situation arises.

You don't think there's an unwritten rule that if you don't get an invitation, you're not invited? I just hate for this to reflect on DS, you know? "Don't invite little Johnny because he always brings an entourage."

I would really prefer to stay out of it and avoid more conflicts with her, but I also really don't want this to happen at other parties. Blech...

 

[PolyndianPrincessJes]

Don't do anything. If the mother of the party boy mentions it to you then apologize, but other than that, nothing. The relationship with the Aunt is already strained and getting into it with her about her social skills will just aggravate the situation and create more tension for your DS.

"The party boy..." reminds me of college.

So, if she shows up at the Saturday party with one or more extra guests, should I just avoid her?

 

[lecach]

I dont agree with the PP's that said stay out of it. The aunt is commiting etiquette faux pas with the people you are friends with. If you DONT say something then DS may stop getting invited to places. Since she has done this before she could do it again. I would try to be as non-confrontational as possible though. Just say "I know you've taken Nephew to birthday parties before and I wanted to let you know that the party this weekend is pay-per-person so if you do bring him, you'll have to pay. Also, since he wasnt invited, he may or may not get a treat bag or other goodies". That way it lets her know what the deal is and maybe she'll think twice about it. If she DOES bring him then she'll know that she has to pay.

Although personally I would have a really hard time not saying "you know, DS is the only one invited. It's really not a good idea to bring a child that wasnt invited especially if they dont even know the birthday boy".

 

[Bren's Mom]

I stand by what I said, I'd stay out of it.

Of course, people *should* know that if their name isn't on the invite, they're not invited! But many people ignore that. I've had people show up to parties at my house with 'extras' in tow. So I now put it on the invites if I can't accomodate siblings, or if it were at a party place I'd put 'If you'd like to bring additional children the cost is $xxx.' so it's clear that they must pay for themselves. We're a nation of rude people.

And if she does show up with extras, DON'T apologize! It's NOT your problem, it's hers!

Yes, he might start getting un-invited. Again, you can't control that. If you say something to the aunt, with whom you already have a frosty relationship, you may do more harm than good.

ETA: And, no, don't avoid the aunt. Just be as friendly and cordial as you possibly can be. That way YOU are not committing an etiquette faux pas. Two wrongs don't make a right!

Just my $.02. Let the party parents handle this.

 

[PolyndianPrincessJes]

OK, I'm not abandoning the thread, but we're actually going to the house of this week's party boy. I still would love some opinions (but try not to be 50/50 'cause that will make it just as hard to figure out what to do ), and I promise to read them when we get home!!

 

[kristilew]

Here in the South, this would be handled with code speak.

You would say to the party mama, "Thank you so much for accomodating DS's aunt the other weekend. You were just darlin' to put up with her bringing another child along. You have so much more patience than I do. I'm praying every day for the fortitude to deal with this custody issue, and you were just an answer to prayer with your graciousness. Please let me have your sweet boy over for a play date one day soon."

Just saying, a spoonful of sugah helps social awkwardness go down....

 

[Magic Mom]

"The party boy..." reminds me of college.

So, if she shows up at the Saturday party with one or more extra guests, should I just avoid her?

Since you are good friends with the woman throwing the party, I would prewarn her that the Aunt may bring along extra guests. It is up to the party hostess to tell her she has to pay for those extra guests or not. It is not your place to do that. When you see the Aunt at the party, just be cordial, but you don't have to be best pals with her. Your friend will not hold it against you that a woman you have no control over has no social skills.

 

[surfergirl602]

Due to current guardianship battles, DS's (not bio DS, his mother passed four years ago last week) other family is temporarily given visitation twice a month. According to this temporary ruling, they are to follow his schedule, and that included a birthday party last weekend (well, I guess two weekends ago). We've been out of school here since Wednesday (snow days), so I haven't been able to chat with the birthday boy's parents. We're cordial but not friends (hello in the hallways, they me help out with class parties, etc.). Anyway, I just recently found out that DS's aunt decided to bring her other nephew, too. I am so embarassed!! I would never bring a child to a party to which he/she wasn't invited! This child lives in another city (as does the aunt) and knows none of the children. The aunt is not the caregiver for this child, so it's not like she had no choice but to take him if she took DS.

As an aside, the relationship between the aunt and I is not amicable (she is very jealous of me and my family in that we are DS's primary caregivers, and she wanted guardianship of him when his mother died) here, so I have a feeling it was partly because of that. "This is my time, and I'll do as I please" mentality. I've repeatedly tried to convey that we do not have to be friends but that we must have a good working relationship.

Anyway, her faux pas has made it's way through the grapevine back to me, and I'm not sure where to go from here. I will definitely send an email or call the birthday boy's parents to apologize, but should I say something to the aunt? DS's best friend's birthday party is this weekend (which happens to be their weekend), and it is an ice skating pay-per-child party. I will be at this party since the mother and I are friends. Should I let her know that if she chooses to bring another child(ren) she will be responsible for paying their way and they may or may not receive perks from the party (gift, cake, extra ice time, etc.)? The other nephew has two brothers, as well, that she sometimes brings along with her. I have no problem when these other boys show up to play (uninvited or not) at something hosted by our family since they are DS's family, but another child's party isn't the time or place, IMO.

Completely off topic, but HI! from Lawton!

 

[nmmom95]

Here in the South, this would be handled with code speak.

You would say to the party mama, "Thank you so much for accomodating DS's aunt the other weekend. You were just darlin' to put up with her bringing another child along. You have so much more patience than I do. I'm praying every day for the fortitude to deal with this custody issue, and you were just an answer to prayer with your graciousness. Please let me have your sweet boy over for a play date one day soon."

Just saying, a spoonful of sugah helps social awkwardness go down....

I like this!

 

[ncmickeyluvr]

Here in the South, this would be handled with code speak.

You would say to the party mama, "Thank you so much for accomodating DS's aunt the other weekend. You were just darlin' to put up with her bringing another child along. You have so much more patience than I do. I'm praying every day for the fortitude to deal with this custody issue, and you were just an answer to prayer with your graciousness. Please let me have your sweet boy over for a play date one day soon."

Just saying, a spoonful of sugah helps social awkwardness go down....

Absolutely! and even though I am not a native North Carolinian, I have been know to borrow their lovely manner myself when the occasion warrants.

I think you should not appologize for someone's behavior but you should not just ignore it.

 

[mouseforcemom]

Here in the South, this would be handled with code speak.

You would say to the party mama, "Thank you so much for accomodating DS's aunt the other weekend. You were just darlin' to put up with her bringing another child along. You have so much more patience than I do. I'm praying every day for the fortitude to deal with this custody issue, and you were just an answer to prayer with your graciousness. Please let me have your sweet boy over for a play date one day soon."

Just saying, a spoonful of sugah helps social awkwardness go down....

That's how it would be handled here too. LEaves a sweeter taste in the mouth, don't it?!

Less Scarlett and more Melanie

 

[PirateSnowmen]

Here in the South, this would be handled with code speak.

You would say to the party mama, "Thank you so much for accomodating DS's aunt the other weekend. You were just darlin' to put up with her bringing another child along. You have so much more patience than I do. I'm praying every day for the fortitude to deal with this custody issue, and you were just an answer to prayer with your graciousness. Please let me have your sweet boy over for a play date one day soon."

Just saying, a spoonful of sugah helps social awkwardness go down....

Completely off topic, but HI! from Lawton!

I'll continue the off-topic trend
Hi, to the both of you! From Norman

 

[emma'smom]

I would pre-warn my friend, but wouldn't expect her to foot the bill because of my family's custody issues (even if they weren't my fault). I would probably just suck it up and buy some tickets for the nephews myself. If your friend is hosting the party, she'll probably be willing to stretch the cake/ice cream to include the nephews. As for party bags, well....either she'll have to plan ahead, you can bring an alternate favor for the nephews, or this is where I might say "suck it up" to the aunt.

Since you are good friends with the woman throwing the party, I would prewarn her that the Aunt may bring along extra guests. It is up to the party hostess to tell her she has to pay for those extra guests or not. It is not your place to do that. When you see the Aunt at the party, just be cordial, but you don't have to be best pals with her. Your friend will not hold it against you that a woman you have no control over has no social skills.

 

[disykat]

I'd do what kristilew suggested, but without the "sugah."

"I heard DS brought extras to your party when he was staying with his other family. I'm so sorry and I hope it didn't put you out. Please let me cover the extra cost!"

When/if they do the same at the next party, quietly slip up to the hostess and say the same.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I think you should stay out of it. Since YOU are not committing the faux pas, and you don't have control over the aunt. If the birthday parent was concerned about people bring extra kids/siblings they should have made that clear on the invite, or they can deal with it if the situation arises.

Isn't it pretty much a given that you only bring a guest if the invitation includes a guest? I certainly would not dream of bringing a child to a party he wasn't invited to.

Sorry, I see you've already answered that.

OP, I would say something (a la the Southern poster's example) to the birthday boy's mom, but wouldn't say anything to the aunt about it.

 

[bookgirl]

I'll continue the off-topic trend
Hi, to the both of you! From Norman

Hi from Edmond too.

I'd let them know if they show up with extras they have to pay. Not accusing or anything just FYI and didn't want you to get caught without your wallet.