Situation With My Mom - Your Thoughts

[The Mystery Machine]

I will give you the same advice we gave the last poster with the mother tantrum, you say, "I am sorry I upset you" and then that is it. Don't bring it up and then they repeat said phase everytime she wails on you.

Yes, she does not like the decision however it is not her decision to make. She is trying to bully you and as it appears from your other interactions with her it is a tactic she uses to "win".

She will get over it. It is high emotions and lots of changes right now. I think I am going to go CRAZY this week with all the details. My dd is moving in on Aug. 18th. (I woke her up at 7:30 this morning.)

We had a small family party yesterday for my dd and my nephew as a "send off".

Just tell her sorry and move on. We had enough to do, right? And frankly trying to take the limelight away from your dd and make herself the center of attention is so old and lame, right?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I want to give a different perspective, as a grandparent and as a single parent who included her Mom in on a lot of activities.

You have included your parents whenever it was convenient for you to have them act as surrogates for your husband when he cannot accompany you. You invited her to go with you to DD's visit to the university. I imagine that they expected to be a part of this step in their DGD's life as well when you DH was not able to help. As a GP I think I would have been hurt that I was excluded. I am not saying that the outburst was called for, just that I would have been hurt.

My Mom came with me many times when I would have had to go somewhere with the kids alone. She did the same for my sister. Neither one of us would have excluded her from other events when "someone better" offered to go. For us, it would not have been fair to have her come only when it was convenient for us but expect her to be excluded when it was not.

I am not saying that this is the case in your situation, just saying that I can understand that your Mom is hurt and perhaps feeling "pushed to the side", her DGD is growing up and moving to another stage of her life and she is not going to be any part of that process because a friend is taking her place.

I think that people are not disposable and if they feel that way it is their reality. As a woman who has been in both roles, adult child and parent of an adult child, I think that I would have liked to be given the opportunity able to back out of the trip on my own and make room for your friend. I would have included my Mom and my friend and let my Mom decide if she wanted to come along.

DH and I have been fortunate to participate in a lot of my DGD's life. She is only 7 but we have been a big part of her life. This is a benefit for us as well as it is for her. DSIL works nights so he is not able to attend a lot of the things she does and we have stepped in to accompany my DD. I know that as she gets older we are not going to always have this place in her life and we will miss that very much. Losing that place would be much harder if we felt that our help was used rather than embraced. I know that the discussion has already taken place and that their is no going back but perhaps it will be possible to invite Mom and Dad up to see the finished room and have lunch to celebrate their DD's new satage of her life.

My dd is going off to college too and I don't have time for parental tantrums.

 

[hanutedmansionmomma]

hmmm. so many folks trying to figure out how to make grandma happy.

If someone tells you off and hangs up on you, I think it's in their court to pull it together and contact YOU.

I have very personal experience w/ a mom who has been like that for years. I felt very guilty for a long time, but then realized I can't change her reaction to anything I do or say or don't do or say!

I wouldn't change the plans with your friend. Your mom can make another trip to college another time. It's up to her, not you what her plans are.

IMHO

 

[DizBelle]

Mom was out of line and acting very immaturely.

Don't change your plans. That kind of manipulative behavior is unacceptable for a grown adult.

If you say "I'm sorry I upset you" you are admitting that you actively did something that upset her. If you are going to "apologize" at all it should be "I'm sorry you're upset." That's more empathy than apology.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Mom was out of line and acting very immaturely.

Don't change your plans. That kind of manipulative behavior is unacceptable for a grown adult.

If you say "I'm sorry I upset you" you are admitting that you actively did something that upset her. If you are going to "apologize" at all it should be "I'm sorry you're upset." That's more empathy than apology.

OK...I am sorry you're upset is better. I have high anxiety this week with dd pulling everything together. My brain feels like "zzzt".

 

[just4today]

hmmm. so many folks trying to figure out how to make grandma happy.

If someone tells you off and hangs up on you, I think it's in their court to pull it together and contact YOU.

I have very personal experience w/ a mom who has been like that for years. I felt very guilty for a long time, but then realized I can't change her reaction to anything I do or say or don't do or say!

I wouldn't change the plans with your friend. Your mom can make another trip to college another time. It's up to her, not you what her plans are.

IMHO

I agree with you in principle, but I also think sometimes it comes down to a choice between being right vs. keeping the peace, and trying to find the balance between those things. A lot depends on the mom's previous behavior. Is this a pattern with her? I got the impression that this outburst came sort of out of the blue, in which case maybe it would be better for the OP to give a little bit too. Things with family members are not always so cut and dried.

 

[sharbear]

I've noticed that as my parents and my IL's are getting older they are just more "cranky". My MIL was very easy going earlier in our marriage but now she is much more critical and touchy. My mom says that she (my Mom) is more cranky than when she was younger and that my MIL may be the same way. Since my parents and IL's no longer work and more of there friends move away or pass away, I think that they have less to think about and worry more about what I consider "the small things".

Your mom may not know this, move in day is frankly not that much fun. First of all, it's usually hot, you have a million boxes to move in, there are thousands of people there and your kid is either a mess or wants you to leave ASAP. Parents weekend is much more fun, the kids miss you, want to see you and want you to buy them things and take them out to dinner. I would bring up this aspect with your mom, that move in day is hetic and stressful. Your D may not be at her finest and driving down there, moving in, and driving back is so tiring, you thought that you would spare her from that. Your friend offered to help you and you thought that your parents would like to see your D at a time that is less stressful and tiring.

I also think it's very hard when you are an only child. Your mom thinks of you as her best friend and depends on you as her social outlet. You have other interests and friends and a family. I'm sure that she is frightful that you are moving on and without the kids activities, you won't include her. Just remember this is her problem not yours to solve. You have your own problems and can't worry about her insecurities.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Your mother has some real issues here.
And, to be honest, she needs to learn to deal with them.
Sharbear, above, is right... it is her problem to solve... not yours.
You will be making a huge mistake if you give in and enable this.

It is YOUR child
It is YOUR friend wanting to help.
It is YOUR life.

I have a real problem, and experience, with grandparents who have control issues and think they have 'rights'.

We take great pains to visit my MIL so she sees her precious son and her precious GRANDSON (who she has clearly stated are 'hers') every single week.... yes, every single week... But, I am the DiL from you know where because I keep HER grandson from her...

I would go forward with my plans, with my friend, and my daughter, and not take a second thought about it.

 

[Tink888]

Have fun with your friend's help.


I totally dont understand why your Mom is angry-and no college kid wants their Grandparents helping them move in-if that's her beef-I promise you that!!![/COLOR]

I disagree. My step-daughter's grandparents were a huge part of her life and were there for move-in day at college. She would've been hurt if they hadn't been there.

OP - yes, your Mom was out of line but like others have said, it sounds like she might be hurt to have been (unintentionally) excluded and was acting out.

Moving day of the first year of college is a HUGE milestone for grandparents too, especially if they've been involved over the years and are close with the grandchildren. Is there a way to have Mom follow you up and help out or re-schedule plans to spend time with your friend for a later date and bring your Mom instead? Yes, your Mom was out of line and you shouldn't have to apologize but sometimes it's easier to just be the bigger person and I'm sure it would mean so much to your Mom to be included.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I agree with you in principle, but I also think sometimes it comes down to a choice between being right vs. keeping the peace, and trying to find the balance between those things. A lot depends on the mom's previous behavior. Is this a pattern with her? I got the impression that this outburst came sort of out of the blue, in which case maybe it would be better for the OP to give a little bit too. Things with family members are not always so cut and dried.

Well the OP didn't do anything wrong, so there is nothing for her to give. If her mother wanted to go, and new her son in law wasn't going, she could have said, hey, do you want company, may I come? She never did that.

A tantrum, whether from a child or an adult should not be given in too.

OP, you have done nothing wrong, and have no need to apologize. I agree with a previous poster to say I am sorry you are upset.


Give her a few days to calm down, and call her and talk as if nothing happened. If she starts in again, you end the coversation, and let her call you next time. You have a very big emotional time coming up, I have been there. Have a great time with your friend and seeing your child off to college!! I a sure your mom will calm down! Good luck.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

To the OP, you will note that this thread offers some really good advice from a number of people - all of whom really seem to want to help. Each piece of advice comes from a different perspective, based on individual relationships within their families in similar situations. When deciding what to do, be sure to weigh the type of relationship that you have with your mother. Advice that would work well in one relationship might destroy another...

 

[allison443]

Your mom may not know this, move in day is frankly not that much fun. First of all, it's usually hot, you have a million boxes to move in, there are thousands of people there and your kid is either a mess or wants you to leave ASAP. Parents weekend is much more fun, the kids miss you, want to see you and want you to buy them things and take them out to dinner. I would bring up this aspect with your mom, that move in day is hetic and stressful. Your D may not be at her finest and driving down there, moving in, and driving back is so tiring, you thought that you would spare her from that. Your friend offered to help you and you thought that your parents would like to see your D at a time that is less stressful and tiring.

Having survived my older dd's move in days, and with my second dd's coming up on the 21st, I agree with the above!! (bolding is mine)
I think parents' day would be much better for your mom!

I know my parents want to make sure to see dd before she leaves- we will be getting together for pizza or an informal bbq one night next week!

 

[allison443]

Just wanted to add I remember all the angst about your dd's college decision, OP, and I'm glad everything worked out for her! Is she going to the out of state school she was looking at?

 

[just4today]

Well the OP didn't do anything wrong, so there is nothing for her to give. If her mother wanted to go, and new her son in law wasn't going, she could have said, hey, do you want company, may I come? She never did that.

I never said the OP did anything wrong. I agree that the mother should have done those things.

A tantrum, whether from a child or an adult should not be given in too.

I also agree with this. Imo, "giving in" would mean dismissing the friend and taking the mother on move in day instead. I suggested a compromise - finding some way for the mother to be involved, not telling the friend she couldn't/shouldn't go. And, again imo, a lot depends on the previous history. If this is totally out of character for the mother, maybe it's better in the long run to be forgiving rather than being "right." Lord knows I'm not perfect and there have been times when my family members have given in a little even when they really weren't required to. When people love each other, they sometimes accomodate each other too. IMO

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

I will give you the same advice we gave the last poster with the mother tantrum, you say, "I am sorry I upset you" and then that is it. Don't bring it up and then they repeat said phase everytime she wails on you.

Yes, she does not like the decision however it is not her decision to make. She is trying to bully you and as it appears from your other interactions with her it is a tactic she uses to "win".

Just tell her sorry and move on. We had enough to do, right? And frankly trying to take the limelight away from your dd and make herself the center of attention is so old and lame, right?

ITA. I think your mom has boundary issues-she's so enmeshed with your life that it doesn't occur to her that there are situations that involve you that don't involve her. So she doesn't perceive it as you having your own life and doing things outside of her perview, she sees it an an exclusion.

I agree with you in principle, but I also think sometimes it comes down to a choice between being right vs. keeping the peace, and trying to find the balance between those things. A lot depends on the mom's previous behavior. Is this a pattern with her? I got the impression that this outburst came sort of out of the blue, in which case maybe it would be better for the OP to give a little bit too. Things with family members are not always so cut and dried.

Been there, done that, have the emotional scars. I spent half a lifetime trying to "keep the peace". The only one who feels peaceful is the bully (ie the mom). The person who tries to "keep the peace" feels like they're constantly walking on eggshells, miserable, and stressed out.

There was another thread on here recently about adult temper tantrums, and how people put up with them.

I think it might not be a bad idea to ask your daughter if she wants your mother coming with you-I'm guessing she'll say no and there's your answer to your mom right there.

Either your mom will get over it and re-adjust her position in your (and your daughter's) life, or she'll start a war over it. Or you cave and make nice. Lord knows I've caved a bunch of times, it's not the worst thing in the world if you do, as long as you realize you're caving...

 

[bubie2.5]

The only thing I could do, at this point, is to tell my friend not to come (she would understand) and invite my mother. But now it's one of those that I doubt she would come even if I do that and everyone is just mad about it now.

I wouldn't do that. As an only child who lost her mother a couple of year ago, I can tell you that friends become part of your family. Don't damage a friendship because of your mother's childish behaviour.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with Mystery Machine 100%

If this would cause the parent to severe or 'ruin' a relationship, then that is the PARENTS issue... not the OP's. It is completely unacceptable to try to place any responsibility, or obligation, and even worse 'guilt' onto the OP.

Mystery machine nailed it... The rants, threats, You won't do this... etc... Classic 'bullying'. You cannot 'keep the peace' with a bully. Any parent that would behave this way and treat their own child with rants, phone hang-ups, etc... needs to deal with their issues.

How to handle moving day is the very minute issue here.
That is just one day, and not even a big one, like a wedding...
How to handle her mothers attitudes/issues, that is the bigger issue that needs addressed.

I agree with everyone else.
At this point, I would not be controlled and change my plans.
Hang tough.
Act like this is a non-issue.

If the OP's mother decides to mortally wound herself by 'falling on knives' then that is her decision. The OP can't be responsible for that.

 

[Evil Genius]

Your mother has some real issues here.
And, to be honest, she needs to learn to deal with them.
Sharbear, above, is right... it is her problem to solve... not yours.
You will be making a huge mistake if you give in and enable this.

It is YOUR child
It is YOUR friend wanting to help.
It is YOUR life.

I have a real problem, and experience, with grandparents who have control issues and think they have 'rights'.

I would go forward with my plans, with my friend, and my daughter, and not take a second thought about it.

I was about to post exactly the same thing. Parents forget that their children are also adults and can make their own decisions. Go and enjoy sending your child off to college and your time with your friend. Your mother will get over it. Oh and I would let her calls got to voicemail for a few days and wouldn't call her until she has calmed down.

 

[Took]

My dd is going off to college too and I don't have time for parental tantrums.

I must agree with this advice. Adults, however "hurt" they may be, should not throw temper tantrums and deserve to be excluded when they do. Mom of OP clearly has issues she needs to deal with. IMHO, OP should not call her mom, but allow her mom to call OP when "Mom" is ready to behave.

Having raised my child in a location away from both sets of grandparents (work related), I have not relied on them for much and do not consult their feelings about "including" them in our family life. Thus, I may be a bit less sympathetic with the OP's mom than others here. That said, I can't see any reason for an adult mother to treat her daughter in this way.

took

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

Mystery Machine needs her own website, she's so good-I always imagine this when I see her posts: