Situation with my grandma & smoking any advice?

[Linnie The Pooh]

I am in a weird situation with my family & am looking for some advice. My
g-ma is 81 and smokes a ton, has all her life. She is half blind with mac. deg. and is having some other difficulties physically. Long story short, she has a mass on her pancreas her doc. thinks is cancer. She saw an oncologist and he says no, it's not and her blood levels are normal. The mass hasn't grown, but the first doc. told my mom last month that she is dying of cancer and to get hospice for her.

On Halloween she had an upper g.i. test done and has literally been in bed ever since. She's been in severe pain with her back and neck. She has typical symptoms of cancer imo, she has lost so much weight all of a sudden-she's 98 pounds (and she's 5'8" so that is very skinny for her), she tired all the time, has no energy and is kind of a yellowish color.

My dilemma is that she smokes soooo much her house is very unpleasant to be in. No offense against smokers here-I lived with one for 24 years, but it is so thick I can't even take a deep breath. I can tolerate a lot and usually don't mind to be around smoking that much.

DS6 crawled up in bed with her and started choking -literally choking-the smoke was so bad. When we got home that night, DH said, "He smells like smoke!" We both did. The bad thing is that she really wants us to come visit, but gets extremely offended (and MAD) if anyone even mentions smoking bothering them. And she won't put them out while we're there b/c she feels it's her house she'll smoke if she wants to.

Should I go visit her (we'd have to be there for at least 2 hours-it's impossible to get away from her) and just suck up the smoke and be umcomfortable, only able to take shallow breaths? Or should I explain to her why I'm not visiting her more and risk ticking her off? She is a highly volatile person and very unpleasant to be around, always talking behind people's back, cutting them down, griping about everyone etc. She's hard to be around, but now she wants us there and I feel obligated. What would you do? And, DD4 refuses to go over there-she can't tolerate it, but DS6 will do it. He's very tender hearted.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I would go because from the sound of it, you may not have too many more opportunities to do so. And oh yeah, don't mention the smoking, it won't accomplish anything at this point.

 

[Beth76]

You know, I'm guessing most people will say to suck it up because she's old and dying. But, what if she was young and healthy? It's a tough situation that's for sure. You said she's not pleasant to be around, so this just makes it worse. I probably would stop going and tell her exactly why. I see no reason to put yours and your son's health in danger.

 

[dmslush]

Can you open the windows or something while you are there? Mention something about it being stuffy, and needing to let in some fresh air?

I really don't know if I would take my children if they were actually choking from the smoke. Mom smokes, and she lives with us. There are only certain areas of the house that she smokes in (her choice), but I open windows and turn on fans all that I want. I don't care if I offend her and she knows it LOL!

 

[tiggersmom2]

You know, I'm guessing most people will say to suck it up because she's old and dying. But, what if she was young and healthy? It's a tough situation that's for sure. You said she's not pleasant to be around, so this just makes it worse. I probably would stop going and tell her exactly why. I see no reason to put yours and your son's health in danger.

I agree. If it were me, I would probably go see her occasionally but there is NO way I would subject my 6 yr.old child to that kind of smoke. I would feel like it was abuse to make my child "choke" on smoke.

 

[Marseeya]

At first I was going to suggest just you visiting without the kids, especially since the youngest is scared -- I wouldn't make them have their last memories of her like that.

On the other hand, maybe that's a memory that would be beneficial for them to have, if that makes any sense. I imagine they'd think twice before taking up smoking.

 

[Linnie The Pooh]

I hadn't really thought about it being abuse for my son to be there-thank you for that! I knew it was bad for him, but just didn't think about abuse. I can't open the windows b/c it's near zero degrees here-that's a great idea though. She has a ceiling fan in her kitchen, but it doesn't do any good. She doesn't even have a smoker's cough, but the rest of us do when we're around her.

I can't believe she can barely see, but insists on smoking. To me, that is a huge danger, but she states without question that she is careful and absolutely is not going to stop.

She makes mountains out of molehills with her health and has cried wolf so many other times before but this time with the weight loss, her color and general weakness and loss of energy, I can't help but think it's real this time.

She has lost weight before-she loves to be skinny-but she's never been this skinny. And that's weird too b/c she'll eat if someone sits with her and visits with her, but if you're not in the room with her, she'll feed it to her dog or just leave it and not eat it. It sounds manipulative to me, but I don't know...

Beth, that is a good point-what if she was young and healthy? I wouldn't go around her if she was smoking. I guess b/c she's old & apparently sick, I feel that obligation.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

I would go and visit her if I wanted to.....I would not let her make me feel guilty as the reason I visited.. I would not take my children and subject them to all that smoke..

One more thing, you said she was yellow, losing weight and back pain, which may be symptomatic of pancreatic cancer....you did not say what the upper GI concluded, but from the what you did say, I am not surprised that she wants her family around her now, she probably knows that she is failing.

You sound like you are a good grandchild and whatever you decide make sure it is for the right reasons. Hugs, it is not easy.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Honestly she is a lucky woman. I would have never allowed my children over there ever. I am a former smoker, quit for 3 yrs now, and I couldn't tolerate it.

I suppose the solution for you is too think about what you want to "live" with after she is gone. Whatever you decide for yourself is the right decision.

 

[Chuck S]

I'd go and visit her, not necessarily for her, but for you. And if your son wants to go see her, then he should. I would suggest, though, that he wear some sort of filter mask, it may keep him for breathing in the heavier particles. In fact, you may want to give his doctor a call and see if s/he has any recommendations for protecting him from smoke.

 

[Serena]

LOL, if she was anything like my grandma, I'd really tick her off. I'd go, I'd hide all her cigarrettes, open the windows for a few minutes so I could breathe and I'd visit.
She may be killing herself, but I wouldn't let her take me with her.

I think every once in a while it doesn't hurt for them to realize their stubborness was passed down.

 

[Chuck S]

I think every once in a while it doesn't hurt for them to realize their stubborness was passed down.

It just makes 'em madder.

 

[Serena]

Well, yeah, but my grandma couldn't stay mad at me.

 

[Linnie The Pooh]

The Upper GI didn't show anything. She had an MRI done and she's going to find out the results this next week. Hopefully we'll have some answers then. She is positive now that her mass on her pancreas has disappeared. I have no idea where this comes from b/c it hasn't-it shifted, but it's still there. She seems confused about things-she thought a doctor told her her neck was fine, but I was at that appointment and he never said that. It's weird...

That makes sense-Mackey Mouse-that she probalby knows she's failing and wants her family around her. She is so weepy-she cries over anything now and I've never once seen her cry in my entire life. She didn't even cry when my grandpa died but she cried when I was talking to her earlier tonight when I told her my mom is really concerned about her. She says it's because weakness and tears go together. It's very disturbing to see her that way b/c people used to call her "Calamity" due to her being so strong and tough.

Thank you for saying I'm a good granddaughter. I sure don't feel that way! In fact, I never thought of myself that way.

My mom insists that she isn't dying-she thinks it's all from a pinched nerve and my brother says she's yellow from her cigarette smoke! Can you get yellow from that? I know your fingers and teeth can, but your whole body?

I just thought of this-to describe what she's like-if you ever watched Beverly Hillbillies-she is Granny Clampett!! Through and through. Only Granny was shorter. My grandma is skinny like that, tough, stubborn, thinks she's a doctor, very hostile, angry most of the time and ready to fist fight anyone, anytime.

I think I'll probably suck it up and go see her. As so many are saying, I probably need to do it for myself. We have never really gotten along, but she's been a presence in my life since I can remember. I had a collegue that died from cancer several years ago and my grandma's condition reminds me a lot of my collegue's as she neared the end of her life. She was only 30.

 

[JennaTX]

Well as a Mom of a 6 and 3 year old, I would love to be able to take them to see their "Nanny" (Great-Grandma), but she passed away before they were born, which probably makes me more biased, for going to see her.

I see both sides, you don't know how long she will be with you so you want to see her, but you also do not want to subject your children to all of the smoke.

What about taking a box floor fan with you? Plug it in the room and let your DS spend about 15 minutes or so in there with her, and then send him into the kitchen (I think that is where you said another fan was) to play with his gameboy, or whatever, while you spend some time with her.

I don't know what the right answer is, I hope you can work it out!

 

[Tuffcookie]

I know it would be hard to stop going altogether. Therefore, I would continue to go visit but without my children. You have to look out for their health!

TC

 

[MoniqueU]

Personally I would go and take my children with me. Back in the day both my grandparents smoked and half my family. I lived through it even though I thought it was gross. My mom hated smokers but she would of never thought not to bring me to a family get together especially one where a family members health was questionable.

 

[Linnie The Pooh]

I think I have an idea. I'll go over there tomorrow and bring Christmas decorations and decorate her house for her. That way, we'll be outside and the kids will like doing that. We can string lights and I can put a little tree in her bedroom. She loves fiber optics so I should be able to find a fiber optic tree for her.

When I was in the hospital after a c-section, I was having complications after the baby was born and she brought me flowers and a guardian angel figurine-ooh-makes me choke up to remember it. I was so happy and thankful. I think I just answered my own question for this thread. Maybe I'll look for a guardian angel for her tomorrow and bring her some flowers-return the favor.

Thanks everyone for your advice-I'm just going to take the plunge, breathe in some smoke filled air and make an 81 year old woman happy.

 

[shortbun]

We went throught identical things with my grandmother. We'd strip and shower right after leaving her apartment. It was gross but I'm so glad I spent the time. She tried not to smoke much while we were there but the rooms just stank. The whole apartment had to be specially treated before it could even be painted after she died. Personally, I'd do it again for the time with my grandmother. I miss her!

 

[daisyduck123]

I would not go & neither would my kids.
I've been in a similay situation & we did not go.
I don't think anyone detests cigarette smoke as much as I do.