Silly and selfish vent ...

[perditax]

... but I need to do it.

The last three months have been rough. I've been ill, overworked because my company had a surprise hit product (best kind of overworked but still stressful), and my father passed away about a month ago, leaving my mother with nothing much, and me to take care of her. I won't go into the struggles so far, but just getting her to leave the house to apply for her widow's social security benefits has been impossible so far. (On that note--I could use advice. I assume once the system realizes my father has passed, those checks will stop. Right? She has to apply for the survivor benefits?)

Anyway--I am completely burned out. I had a pre-planned trip to do a cheap solo cruise next week, and man do I need it. When I'm in Florida I usually stay with some old friends I reconnected with in the last couple of years, for one night pre-cruise (at their invitation). These friends often want me to meet their other friends when I'm in town, and I often try to joke my way out of it (I'm a textbook introvert). This time they asked again and I figured I owed them since they're nice enough to let me stay with them, and I said sure, dinner is fine.

It turns out they're hosting a dinner *party* with something like 30 people, and since I'm arriving at their house around noon it's going to be about eight or ten straight hours of socializing, with the final three or so being with total strangers. It's going to be utterly exhausting for me, and I already feel like a wrung out old washcloth. I've usually got about 90 minutes of small talk in me--and that's on a GOOD day. These friends are well-adjusted extroverts and I love them, but I know they are just incapable of understanding what this feels like. Plus, my problems stemming from my father's death are right on the surface of my thoughts at all times, and I find myself blurting stuff out about it to, for example, my coworkers, and I usually keep my private life private so it's very out of character--that's how stressed I've been. So I'm going to make a pretty lackluster/awkward party guest, and I know my friends want me to be "on" and funny and sparkly for their other friends. Which I can be, when I have to--for about 90 minutes. Then I'm done and need to be alone. (Other introverts will understand.)

I know that given the other things I've mentioned this might seem trivial, but it's like this last hurdle I have to get over before I can finally get some downtime, and I'm really dreading it.

(I should mention I don't drink, so I don't even have that to fall back on during the socializing.)

 

[Westcoastwild]

Get yourself out of the house for everything but those 90 minutes. Seriously. Fellow introvert here. You aren't hostess, it's your friend's shindig, and you aren't essential to any of it...except those prime 2 hours in which your friends will notice you missing.

I have a few friends who do this. One does it totally on accident. She's a fellow introvert. I stick around to help her because usually family is involved. And she's always just as stressed as me, but recognizes the problem. The other friend is an extrovert. Her "small get togethers" turn into 8-9 hour dinner parties for 14 people. She either doesn't let me help or micromanages. At the end of the night, she's either drunk or rehashing the same old stories like everyone else there. I've learned to show up a few hours late and leave a few hours early- when I'm no longer having fun.

Wish I could give a a great solution. But the only solution I've found is to only be a house guest at the introvert's place. I get a hotel and my own set of wheels when the other friend is involved!

 

[Westcoastwild]

Reread your post. FIND ALTERNATIVE LODGING, my dear. ASAP. That last 3 hours of strangers is brutal- you'll be stressed, they'll notice, and then they'll ask you why...after the last guest leaves, kitchen likely a disaster. It's a fight waiting to happen, and you know it!

 

[Branflakes]

I'd just let your friends know you have always appreciated their generous hospitality. But for this particular visit, prior to your cruise, you'll be getting a hotel room close to the port. Freely, but briefly explain you've been through a lot recently, your fathers death, managing moms affairs with dad gone and work has been a bear.
You're certain you won't be good dinner party company, and are frankly just really mentally exhausted, and looking forward to a quiet solo vacation for true R&R.
Thank them again and be done. Good friends will understand. And you can stop stressing before you even leave for your vacation. Put yourself at ease now. So you can just look forward to your getaway.

 

[Lynne M]

I'd just let your friends know you have always appreciated their generous hospitality. But for this particular visit, prior to your cruise, you'll be getting a hotel room close to the port. Freely, but briefly explain you've been through a lot recently, your fathers death, managing moms affairs with dad gone and work has been a bear.
You're certain you won't be good dinner party company, and are frankly just really mentally exhausted, and looking forward to a quiet solo vacation for true R&R.
Thank them again and be done. Good friends will understand. And you can stop stressing before you even leave for your vacation. Put yourself at ease now. So you can just look forward to your getaway.

This is such an excellent suggestion. Use it as a script with your friends, if need be.

And I totally get it. I lost my dad last winter and spent about the next 8-9 months living with my mom, unexpectedly. I'd planned on spending a lot of time at her place, just to keep her company, but spending most of the week at home. And she just couldn't manage on her own. I stayed there until we could get her moved into a senior community, and then I stayed there with her until she settled in and got past some health issues.

I wasn't even working at the time. But I was mentally FRIED. Between supporting her through her mourning, dealing with my mourning, the financial stuff, the logistics of getting her moved and getting the house sold, her health problems, the house just about falling apart around us....I was shot. I went to a friend's kid's wedding midway through this. I was looking forward to it, I'm very fond of their family, and just having a fun night around happy people sounded heavenly.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't stay there. Too many people, too much noise, too many conversations. I got through dinner, excused myself, and left to go to a nearby hotel. I just needed to sit in a room by myself for a night and watch TV.

You probably need that too - just some time by yourself to recharge a little. As Branflakes said, good friends will understand.

Oh, by the way, my mom didn't have to leave the house to do the social security changes. It was all done over the phone. The funeral director gave us a sheet with instructions, I think. She called to set up an appointment for a phone meeting with SS, and then it was about 30 minutes or so on the phone basically just verifying information with them. I *think* she might have had to send in some documents between the initial call and the scheduled phone meeting. Marriage license, death certificate, that sort of thing.

 

[Shelly F - Ohio]

Yes once SS gets word that your dad has passed they will require your mother to pay back all the money she has received from the checks that were in his name. So be prepared