SIL vent(long, sorry)

[Rock'n Robin]

My SIL lives in another state, about a 13 hour drive from here. We haven't been there since 1994 when my niece was born. It was the drive from hell--I was pregnant, my oldest was 2 and we also had DH's grandmother with us. DH HATES long drives.
She used to visit here once a year. This makes perfect sense to me--the ENTIRE rest of the family is here--her parents, both her brothers, all of her nieces and her nephew. Her parents (my inlaws) can't travel there because MIL has bad arthritis and emphysema. The only people there are SIL, her husband (who doesn't socialize well --he tries but you can tell it's an effort) and my niece and nephew.
The last time she visited was fall of 2000, during school (her kids are year round and get part of October off--of course I had to work each day and my older two had school each day). She came back for a funeral the following spring as well. She then insisted she wasn't coming to visit unless someone came to visit her first and no onr has. Of course we have two kids in school and BIL has three kids under age 6, not really driving material! Last year both times we went to WDW I got rather pointed comments about "you can go to WDW but can't come here'. WDW is a heck of a lot more fun than sitting around a relative's house for 2 days after a long drive!!
I had serious plans (have checked room rates) for going at Christmas time because I have a full two weeks off, which hardly ever happens. Last year I went back to school Jan. 2nd! She sent DS some birthday gifts and I EMailed her than they had arrived, and mentioned how excited we are about our trip. I also mentioned my plans for seeing them in December and that the only problem might be that DH may have to get his tonsils out (he doesn't want to) and the only time he can take the full recovery time is the holidays, since he owns a small remodeling business and is loath to leave it for 2 weeks.
She sent me a rather NASTY EMail saying "What, another WDW trip before you come HERE?????" And telling me to stop saying we'll come visit unless (fill in the problem here) happens because she doesn't believe it anymore, since no complications ever happen with our WDW trips and we've been to WDW so many times and never go see her. She says when my BIL comes home from Iraq they will be visiting because she doesn't believe us anymore, and she is sick of my niece and nephew asking when they can see us.
I feel really guilty! DH, though, only gives himself a week or two MAX a year to take off and doesn't want to spend the time sitting around being bored--the reason we started going to WDW was on our vacation before that we did a lot of sitting around the beach and it drove him crazy. I did EMail her back telling her I wasn't lying, I have already checked prices and with DVC it's use it or lose it.
Oh well. Thanks for the venting opportunity. If DH saw that EMail he would blow a gasket. Plus things sound like they'll be strained anyhow! It's always been a difficult relationship with those 3 anyhow--DH and BIL will fondly remember their childhoods, and all SIL can talk about is how they never had any money, had to eat bologna casserole, wear hand me downs, etc. She has a major chip on her shoulder. That's one reason she moved away, although she claims it is to avoid the cold. But now we are supposed to give up fun family vacations to go visit!
Robin M.

 

[mom2boys]

would you consider asking them to meet you at WDW? Not necessicarly spend the whole trip together but do some stuff together - only if it won't spoil your family's fun

 

[kejoda]

I can completely see you SIL point. I had a complete explination of how I know how she feels. I deleted it but I don't see whats wrong with you traveling to see them once in awhile. It certainly would prove that you cared.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy>I can also see your SIL's point. If it was important enough for you to see her and her family, you would make the time to travel there and visit with her.

I'm not saying you should make visiting her & family a priority, but recognize that yes, you would rather enjoy your family time in a fun place than going to her home. You have the right to make your decisions how your family wants to spend time, but she also has the right to feel probably hurt that she is not important enough for you to make the sacrifice of visiting her in the past 9 years.

Good luck in resolving your differences and making some type of peace in your family.

 

[catherine]

My DH's family live in CA and UT and for the last 7 years we have lived in the UK. The first time that we went back to visit we ended up driving all over Oregon, Utah, and California with a 6 month old and a 4 year old. Way too much work!!! Now we just all meet up every other year at WDW. Nobody is stressed out, we spend time together and are also able to go our different ways when we want some time alone. It has been the perfect solution for us. Perhaps something like this would work for your family?

Cat.

 

[zurgswife]

Hey I love my sister and getting along with her....but I'd much rather go to disney then go visit her....If it's something that you don't want to do then don't do it..enjoy your trip to Disney.

Just don't promise that you'll visit anymore...that isn't fair if you don't..

 

[Breezy_Carol]

I can see both sides of your problem.

My brother does not have time to visit or even call our 82 year old mother, but he does find time to go to Vermont skiing and to Bermuda. He didn't even send a card on her recent birthday.

I would talk to my SIL, who I like, and she would tell me to talk to him. Maybe you should just stay out of it and let your DH handle it because it is his sister. (Your name isn't Ann, is it. LOL)

 

[Rock'n Robin]

No, it isn't Ann! I have suggested meeting at WDW before but she doesn't want to go--she quit working although her kids are both in school so she says they can't afford it.
Robin M.

 

[Mskanga]

My SIL is half way between my house and WDW, and we still don't stop there, we don't even let them know when we are going, we are not close by any means. I used to be the one always keeping in touch with everyone, but after what they did to me last year , I wrote them all off and dh does not want to hear from them either, so let's just say , we are better off that way!

 

[RUDisney]

My first thought was, "is there somewhere in between that you can meet, visit and have FUN?" But, then you said that she'll claim that she can't afford it. Whatever... different strokes... IMO, life is too short to NOT travel.

Keep your eyes open for a cheap weekend airfare. Maybe you can travel to see her for a day that way.

Hasn't anyone explained to her that your family consists of the people who live in your house? Why would you want to shortchange your kids out of life's joys?

If her kids want to see you, maybe you could take them for a week this summer, and/or send yours to visit her?

 

[browneyes]

It sounds like she's lonely.

 

[TRAPPED-PARENT]

I'm from a large family in Michigan ... my father has cancer. I have two sisters that live outside Michigan - one in S. California and one in LV. When my parents were in better health they would visit my sisters once every 2-3 years and the sisters also made it back to Michigan with their families once every 2-3 years.

I get along great with the sister that lives in LV so we have visited them probably 5 times out of the past 10 years. LV is a fun place to visit + we have gone to the National Parks too. It is clear to her that we are on a vacation so have other agenda items than just visiting them. (We do lots with them, but also some things without them.)

I had a blow-out with the BIL in California so wouldn't visit him unless my life depended on it. The guy is a real jerk - but that's another story. I get along fine with my sister - I'm just thankful I'm not married to her husband!! Anyway, it would not be pleasant for us to visit them so we don't and we don't feel guilty about it either.

The sister in California is now traveling to Michigan with one of her kids every 4-6 months because of my father's health. She will take turns with the kids. The LV sister is coming with her clan for 3 weeks this summer.

Basically, I don't think it is uncommon for the burden of traveling to visit family be placed on the one who CHOSE TO MOVE AWAY from the rest of the family. It will be your SIL's family's loss if they don't take the time to at least visit the parents. YOU and your family are under NO OBLIGATION to explain why you choose not to spend your vacations with them. THEY chose to move away, not you!!!

Carry on and don't even give it another thought!

 

[Rock'n Robin]

I should also mention that they travel to visit her husband's mom in New York (they live in NC) at least 4 times a year, but Ohio is too far. And that his mom is healthy, while her mom is not--she doesn't realize how sick her mom is since she isn't here, and MIL doesn't tell her everything so she doesn't get worried.
Robin M.

 

[Pugsley]

I sort of have that problem with my brother. When my family (everyone except my brother) moved from California to Virginia, we agreed that we’d travel out there every other year and he’d travel here every other year, so we’d at least see each other once a year. Well, everyone backed out of that bargain (except me, since I love to go to Calif.). My brother got married and had kids and really didn’t want to spend the money to come out here. And when he did have the money and time I’m sure there are many things he’d rather do than come out here. And my mother didn’t like to fly, so my parents hardly ever went out there, which was pathetic since my brother’s kids are my parents’ only grandchildren and they have only seen them a handful of times. My parents were hurt that my brother didn’t make the effort to come here, and my brother was hurt that they didn’t make the effort to go there. So it did take its toll on the family.

Robin, I can totally understand why you’d prefer to go to WDW than to visit relatives. But I can also see why your SIL is hurt since it’s clear that you just don’t WANT to go there, not that you can’t. The long drive is a good excuse not to go, but isn’t there any way you can fly? Do you fly to WDW? Your SIL should obviously go to your area much more often than you go to hers, but it seems to me that it would be fair for you to visit there maybe every five years or so. If you really don’t ever want to go there (and that’s your prerogative), you shouldn’t say that you will and then back out (sounds like you’ve done that more than once). That being said, I don’t understand why she’s trying to make you feel guilty. Heck, if someone didn’t want to visit me I certainly wouldn’t try to force them to.

P.S. since I just read your last post... I think she really has a right to know how sick her mom is. And that would make her feel better about why they don't visit.

 

[d.kurz]

My sister lives a 10 hour drive away from all the rest of the family. I happily travel to see her at least once a year because I need my sister-fix. This past weekend she did come here so she could see the rest of the family. Of course those gatherings are ALWAYS at my home. (but that's another subject!)

She does sometimes mention to me that she wishes our brothers would go to NC to visit HER once in a while. And my take on that is that SHE is the one who chose to move away.

So I know both sides, but I kind of agree with Rock'n Robin.

Hard-earned vacation time is precious and should be spent in some way to make YOU happy! But I am a peace-maker at heart and I would try to find some sort of a solution.

And it's also funny that I see my other siblings in these other posts.

Good luck in solving this, R'nR. {{hug}}

 

[kejoda]

Originally posted by TRAPPED-PARENT
Basically, I don't think it is uncommon for the burden of traveling to visit family be placed on the one who CHOSE TO MOVE AWAY from the rest of the family. It will be your SIL's family's loss if they don't take the time to at least visit the parents. YOU and your family are under NO OBLIGATION to explain why you choose not to spend your vacations with them. THEY chose to move away, not you!!!

Sometimes there isn't a choice on where you live. You go where the job is.

Maybe a little more compassion could be useful here but then again its a ME ME ME World.

 

[nativetxn]

I'm sorry that you are feeling so frustrated. I can also see both sides.

We live in Michigan and our families are in Texas, almost 1400 mile drive one way for us. We are not only expected to visit Houston but to visit everyone in our family there. They get mad if we don't go to their house. They never come to Michigan.

My MIL was here two years ago because I drove to Texas and got her and brought her here then drove her back to Texas again.

Sometimes it gets a little frustrating when our families take cruises, drive/fly to Colorado or Arizona or California--even Acapulco for their vacation time but they won't come to see us. It hurts a little too.

But we still go to see them anyway. I try not to be too hurt and I never say anything to them. I just go and see them. I <i>am</i> hurt, though. No getting away from that.

I hope you can find a way to work this out so that your SIL feels better. Perhaps you could meet half way, stay in a hotel, let the kids swim and the grown ups visit. That way you can retreat to your own room when you get tired of that "chip on the shoulder" attitude.

Katholyn

 

[Christine]

Okay, right up front I'll tell you that I'm an only child and I am probably selfish. Additionally, most of my close family live within 60 miles of me. Not true for DH. Both his brother and sister (and their respective families) have moved about 8 hours away. His mother was about 9 hours away (in the opposite direction of his siblings). DH gets all of one week's vacation per year (paid) and I get 3 weeks; however, most of them are *chewed up* with sick days with the kids. I get ONE vacation a year if I am lucky. We either go to the beach or we go to WDW. My in-laws constantly beg us to come to their houses. Right from the beginning, with my husband nervously agreeing, I told them--"I don't do vacations at people's homes." I don't take a week off so that I can go sit around someone's house. I actually did do it ONE time with SIL and MIL. That was the last time, we were bored stiff even though we tried to take advantage of all the area had to offer. Don't get me wrong though, I enjoy my in-laws, but we have agreed (without kind of actually saying it), that when we want to see each other, we each gotta give something. One year we all took a trip together to Hilton Head, sometimes we all meet at the beach. We don't do this every year, but maybe once every 3 years. I just don't like the idea of your SIL holding a gun to your head, so to speak, and making you guilty over this. Then again, another poster made a very good point that you shouldn't keep promising or trying and then backing out (even with good reason). It's obvious that vacationing at someone's home is not your first priority. Just be honest with her about it. Tell her that you'd love to see her, but you just don't want one of those vacations. Your vacation time is precious. I agree that everything shouldn't be ME, ME, ME, but when it comes to limited time off, you've got to look out for yourself there.

 

[Rajah]

How about this for a compromise -- next time you're planning to go to WDW, add a leg on to at least one part of the flight and go visit her for a day or two on one side of the trip?

If you're DVC, can you offer to *take* them (for part of one of your trips) if they'll buy their own tickets? If you'd be paying to go see her anyway (like staying in hotels and stuff), why not pay for *them* to see *you* instead?

 

[stego]

There's certainly some good reasoning from those of us who have had experiences with extended families.
It became clear to me this past year the difference between extended family and those people who live under your roof.
I had to ask the question: how can I take care of others if I'm not taking care of me and those who I'm responsible for living under my roof? I think it's just a natural cycle where we have our time growing up with our family, then move on, into adulthood. In time we start our own families (or not) and so this is one of those life's lessons.
It's become clear that your sister has expectations. Whether you had any part in that is something you need to take care of.
As an adult, she has to understand that you must take care of your own. However, a phone call could clear it up (or not) when you can convey to her exactly how you feel and what you are responsible for.
We all have best intentions when it comes to spending time with extended family.
In my own circumstances, I have a brother who lives in houston.
That's about a 2 1/2 hr drive both ways. Unfortunately, it has become clear that he wishes to live his own life with his wife. For some reason I see him at xmas, talk to him for 15 minutes, and that's it. I moved away from home 20 years ago-this guy is a complete stranger. Yeah, I know he's blood. But the thing is, both parties have to want to participate. And he doesn't. End of story. I find out everything going on in his life through mom.
She sent him a couple of calendar books with dates/anniversaries/b-days. The guy just doesn't want to particpate. He has made it perfectly clear through his actions for many years. I am saddened for my mom, though. She has to invite herself to his home in order to see him. He called her on mom's day-no card-and told her that he got her something-but that she'd have to drive to houston to pick it up. (your response optional here)
I have a brother who lives 5 mintues from me. Talk about materialistic. He and his wife have car payments for $90k.
When he met his wife 7 years ago, she didn't even have a driver's license. I could go on and on about them, but the fact is is that they are very self-centered, and life revolves around them.
My mom is quite upset about my brother not spending any time with his nephew(my son)-and yet he has loads of time to spend at the local car club. I told her this year she can stop making excuses for him (of course she denies doing so). I posted some time ago about his wife e-mailing about her pregnancy (tacky)
and that I had an idea then about her self-centerness (and that the world would revolve around her and her pregnancy)
On the other hand, my wife's sister lives about 11 hours away.
We drive once a year to see them at thanksgiving. We've gone the past two years-I've know my wife for 3 years-and we've made that committment.
We don't expect them to come here. The sister's parents are both deceased-so it is just the four sisters. My wife is not so close to the other two. There is no expectation there. My wife did make the effort to go see both her other two sisters, last year, for a weekend. However, the one sister she is close to-her husband's parents are both still very much alive. So it has become quite clear they won't go anywhere for holiday's as long as they're alive.
We are planning, though, on going on a vacation with her close sister for next year to wdw. She has two little girls who will be 7 and 4 next year.
I talk quite frequently to my sister-in-law through mail, and phone calls-and it has developed into quite a friendship.
As adults, we are quite clear through our actions, and words what are expectations are.
I know I've rambled a bit...in just sharing my own experience and life. I hope, Robin, that you will find the answers you're looking for. It's a shame that your sister feels the way she does. Whether she admits her own part in it is pretty much up to her. Just remember: life is going on under your own roof. How you choose to participate there is your choice, your decision. If you're so overwhelmed with what your sister thinks of you 11 hours away-is that really the best way to take care of the your home?
Good luck, and God bless.