SIL vent(long, sorry)

[hopemax]

I grew up 2500 miles away from the rest of my extendend family. My parents moved away from "home" during the high employment of the 1970's, they went where the job was. My grandma would come to visit every 5 years or so, but no one else would make the trip. We would drive the 30 hours or so it took to get there, once every 5 years (so I saw my Grandma about once every 2 1/2 years).

It's too far, can't afford it, some important thing came up, don't want to fly. I would overhear them all. And as a kid, I did wonder what we did that made everyone else not like us. Your taught that your family would be who you could turn too if something bad happens. I would worry, "If something happens to my Mom and Dad, what would happen to me?" Everyone else was a stranger.

Well, when I got married, my Mom's family decided they would come. 5 brothers & sisters, the two grandkids still living at home and Grandma. They came for 4 days, and at the end everyone wondered why they didn't come out sooner! I've seen some of my family more in the last five years then I did in the previous 23! I wanted to smack some of their heads together. But I have about 7 cousins that I could pass on the street and would never even know that they were related to me.

I really don't think your sister is trying to lay a guilt trip on you. Years of hurt have a way of building up and spilling out in non-productive ways. You said she's getting questions from her kids, and since I was one of those kids, I'm feeling their pain.

Part of the problem, IMO, is I think your expecting any trip there to fail. So your last trip was a disaster, doesn't mean this one would be. You're not pregnant, I assume and that will change the drive a lot. You'll be more comfortable, I doubt you did any of the driving that time, and could help DH break up the load. I've never gone anywhere in the US that was really boring. You said your SIL lives in NC? I'm sure your DIS family could come up with bunches of FUN suggestions to do both on the way to your SIL's place and while you were there.

 

[ckr]

I'm the one who "chose" to move away. Sure I could've "chosen" to move back in with my parents and substitute teach for X years until I got a full time teaching job, but I instead "chose" to use my degree and go where the job was. It didn't seem like a "choice" at the time. I didn't go to school for four years to NOT fulfill my dreams of being a teacher -- so I moved. A few years later, I got married and we tried for over a year to get jobs back "home", but had no luck. Rather than putting our lives on hold or giving up on our dreams in order to be closer geographically to my family, we decided to put down roots where we are. Did we make that "choice"? Certainly. But does it mean we don't wish that we were right around the corner from everyone? NO. Does it mean we don't miss and love them all and wish that things were different? NO. Does it mean we should pack our things, sell our house, uproot our kids and drag them up North with no jobs, no home, no friends just to "choose" to be near my family? Heavens NO! I guess my point is that putting the burden completely on the ones who are away because they "chose" to move away isn't completely accurate.

Another angle is the time/expense for them to always have to come "home". I have this situation with my brother. He and SIL live in the same town we all grew up in and the same town both sets of parents still live. Brother, SIL, and their 3 kids came down in 1993 for a few days after DD was born. We took vacation from work and did all the touristy things we could fit in. They haven't been back. ("Hate long drives" "Can't afford plane tickets" "Saving up to go to the Caribbean" etc...)

I cannot tell you the number of times we've been to Michigan. They don't even make time to see us sometimes! Or if we "see" them, it's if we go watch one of their kids' ball games, or come over to their house for a party they were having (not in our honor, just a party that we "could come if you want") or at my parents house for 1 meal out of the 4-5 days we're there. SIL actually didn't come to a cookout one time (night before we were heading back on our 13 hour trip home) because she had to get caught up on the laundry!! OUCH! While I completely understand that they are NOT on vacation when we're there and I don't expect the world to revolve around us, it would be nice if they would at least acknowledge the time, effort, and expense THIS family has put into trying to be a part of their lives. Does it ever occur to them that WE might not have the money/vacation time to come "home" every year? Have they ever considered saying, "You know, we'd love to come see you, but we just hate long drives and we can't afford 5 plane tickets. So how about us paying for 2 of your family's plane tickets or the 2 nights of hotels on the road and gas to help get you here?" (And then clear their schedules at least a little to spend time actually seeing us?!)

But that won't happen. SIL is just selfish and we are resolved to that. In 1996, we used our timeshare and got 2 large condos in Orlando for the week after Thanksgiving. BIL's family of 5 in one condo and my parents and my family of 3 (at the time) in the other. We had agreed that we would pay for the lodging and they would get us the park tickets. We also agreed that we would not get each other Christmas presents that year, but instead use the money for the trip where we would make memories instead. I SOOOO looked forward to spending time with my neice and nephews, getting to know them, joking as we stood in line for a ride, seeing what shows they liked, taking LOTS of pictures -- making memories. Well, it didn't turn out that way. When we got there, SIL showed us her itinerary. The only time we fit into her schedule was at the Hoop-De-Doo Review that DH and I booked and paid for for all of us as a special treat because we were so excited to be sharing "Our Disney World" with the people we love. So much for making memories. We were only in the same park once the whole week and didn't see them at all.

Sorry for the long ramble. I guess this is just close to the surface for me right now. My nephew graduated from HS this year and we are expected to come to his open house. I don't even KNOW this kid! For the past several years, he hasn't even come to the cookouts/outings. And the one year that he did, he pouted and was a real jerk the entire time. So, I'm having a hard time using up all of my vacation for 26 hours of driving to give a spoiled kid some money at a party he probably won't even acknowledge we're at. I'll try to chalk this up to him being in his "the world revolves around me" teenage phase.

So, I guess my point to this TOO LONG response is: (1) Don't let yourself be like my SIL. (2) Don't expect them to always come to you. They probably don't have unlimited time off either. (3) If your SIL is trying to find time to spend time together, don't pass up the chance! Even if you don't regret it later, the kids will. (4) Try finding something you'd both enjoy as a vacation and maybe split the cost. Just be clear that you want to spend time together so that you can get to know their kids. If the adults are getting tired of each other, try doing a "Parent Swap" for an afternoon. You take their kids and they take yours.

While going to spend time at their house doesn't appeal to you, NC does have a lot to offer. You could rent a house at the beach. Or in the mountains. Or meet somewhere "between" your houses? How about Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg, TN? Or Williamsburg, VA? Washington, D.C.? As you can tell, I've tried for over a decade to promote a relationship with my brother's family, so I've got lots of ideas and will be glad to share them with you. Just PM me...

Good Luck!

 

[CarolA]

My suggestion is to remove yourself. I have one very nice SIL. I don't always agree with everything she does (and there actually is a visit issue here that is HUGE!) However, ALL of my family communication is with my BROTHER. My SIL does not bring up visits and I don't contact her regarding our family. I leave the decisions up to my brother and let him deal with his family and I will deal with mine.

So I would give the email to your husband and tell him that all communcation is in his court. If he strongly belives he should visit SIL, then I would go otherwise when she says something I would refer her to your husband.

All you are doing is putting yourself in the middle of childhood family dynamics (trust me - My brother and I love each other, but we can really go at it!) that aren't your fault and aren't your responsbility.

 

[Disney Doll]

If someone has a relative who is unpleasant and not fun to be around, and requires using hard-earned vacation time to visit because they chose to move away (and offer any explanations you want, it is a choice, pure and simple), and calls with the nasty sarcastic attitude that the OP's relative uses, I woudn't go visit her either.

As a matter-of-fact, I have a SIL who is exactly the same way, lives 1500 miles away(and believe me, in this case, that's s good thing ), and we've been to visit once. The one time we visited she was nasty, selfish, self-serving, cheap, not at all welcoming, her children are spolied rotten brats, and there is NO WAY I am using my vacation time to see them.

Selfish, kejoda??? You bet! Me, Me,Me???Yessir!!!! I'll take my chances when I get to the Pearly Gates. Your family can sometimes be the worst ones to screw you, because they know exactly how to do it.

 

[sharbear]

Sometimes those of us who "chose" to move away get our feelings hurt. Sometimes it's hard to be the one who has to make all the effort in the relationship. I have lived in my home 7 years and my DH's brother and his wife have seen this house exactly one time. They live 2 hours 15 min. away. They have plenty of time to visit friends, her relatives etc. But visit us, why take up your vacation to visit family. I mean I never do that. Oh yeah, I always do that.

Family situations are hard. People get their feelings hurt. If I had a friend who never came to visit me, I would just let that friend go. Unfortunately you can't do that with your family.

 

[Rock'n Robin]

Thanks for all of the replies. I really appreciate it. I do feel frustrated because I try to be the peacemaker, keep DH close to his sister, etc. but it doesn't seem to ever work out. I did show him her EMail and he was pretty ticked off about it. I do see her side, but as a few have said it is so hard to get away at all, and hard to reconcile one week of DH vacation with sitting around. Unfortunately she doesn't live in one of NC's beach communities but near Durham. When we went in 94 we did go to a Bulls game!
I already told DH that we will have to go to NC in 4 years when my niece has her bat mitvah. One problem I have is that I always see potential conflict--my nephew turns 13 the week before my oldest graduates. Yikes! We'll see how that works out.
Robin M.