Sibling's relationships

[BeckWhy]

I'm sure this is all what you want to hear about, but I'm sure all of you can probably sympathize with me unless you are an only child.

I have a younger sister, cute lil thing she is... not very bright though. Anyways, she's good looking. Well she started dating her boyfriend, Jake, in September of last year and lemme tell you, he's like... not cute, and his hair is long and greasy (I don't have anything problem with long hair). Well anyways, it all starts out good (don't they always). Except one night I am waken in the middle of the night (I dunno sometime between September and now) and I hear my sister screaming. Not like "AHHHH" or anything more like, "Jake you better get your &#* back here and give me my #(*&@#$&(#*& purse I'm gonna #*(@&#$(*# kill you...." I think you get the picture. So we talked about it. And she was thinking about dumping him but didn't want to because he was depressed and she was afraid he'd kill himself. So anyways every time she is around the family and he calls her he is always yelling at her. Or he will pull up in front of our house and honk his horn til she comes out side. Stuff like that. She says that they are always fighting blah blah blah...

To me, this is kid is a lil whimp (I'm being nice). He had an AWD car and would come over and complain about how bad the roads are and no one should drive (we live in WNY). And I would leave and go to my boyfriend's house in my FWD with bald tires and have no problem. All this kid does is eat junk food. Not just McDonald's or Pizza Hut, I mean he goes to the grocery store and buys like the already made mac'n'cheese that is sold in the dairy cases and thats all he eats. He used to make my sister make him brownies in the middle of the night (one morning I woke up and found the oven still on!). Like my mom would buy brownies by the caseload cuz we would always make something with them for our school things. Jake went through 4 cakes of brownies (mix). All he drinks is pop. And what's bad about it, my mom would buy pop for like my dad for when he'd get home from work and Jake would have drank the entire 24 pack and wouldn't put more in the fridge to get cold. Then you wanna hear the worse thing though, my mom got pizza one night and so there was left overs in the fridge, Jake comes and asks me, can I have some pizza, and I'm like I don't care I don't eat that junk (not saying that if you eat pizza it's bad, I just only eat Healthy Choice or Lean Cuisnine pizza or when I'm on vacation). So he takes all the pizza (I didn't see him do this) and puts the empty box back in the fridge. So I guess the pizza that was supposed to be left over was my brothers because he's the one who got it (I didn't know, no one told me probably because I don't eat pizza) and what's worse is bother my brother and my mom told Jake he wasn't allowed to eat the pizza. So he like took advantage of the fact I didn't know anything. Anyways...

Another thing that gets me... his busted an axel on his car and the kid he paid to fix it got the wrong axel and so he just drove around with the wrong axel and decided he wanted a new car (did I tell you his parents bought his first car with their credit card?!?!). So he gets a Cavalier... if you drive one, no offense to you, they are junk. So he thinks he saved all this money on it and got a too big of loan and bought a TV for his car ($1200 in case you don't know how much they cost). Then one day they are driving around and they stop to look at a Pontiac Grand Prix GTP, and Jakes like that's a good car. And my sister is like, I don't like tan interior. So Jakes new car has tan interior so he starts flipping out on my sister saying she lied to him about liking his car and yadiyadiya... he kicks her outta his car and made her walk home (I don't think it was far, only about a block or so).

And another time... he made my sister walk to a drug store to buy him pop because he didn't have anymore at 1 am!!!!

I really can't stand this kid. I wanna slap him silly. And I would if I wasn't worried my sister would get mad at me. He is so... white trash.. to me. And I don't understand where it comes from. I mean his family isn't rich, but both his parents have brand new cars, the whole family has motorcycles.. they have a pool. And his parents are like crazy nice. I just don't get it.

I mean, I was a witch for the past couple of years. But I wasn't to my boyfriend. I can't believe my sister takes it. Maybe I should slap her silly. God it's so annoying because she will sit there and cry because they are fighting and then he will call her (not appologize, I dunno what he says) then all of a sudden she is like "I love you."

And then, like I'm talking to my boyfriend on the phone one day... and we hang up and my sister goes "You don't say I love you when your done?" I go "no why should we" and she says "jake and I do." My boyfriend and I have been together going on 4 years in September. I'm not saying I don't love him, I do, it's just nothing something we say to each other every time we talk (which is like every 15 min). And I'm not saying that you can be dating for less than a year and not be in love, but how can you love someone who treats you like that? That isn't even good looking!?!

Anyways, I just wanted to get that out. Laugh at me now! ("They're all gonna laugh at you"). But I figured if there is anyone out there who will really listen (besides my boyfriend, who wants to slap Jake silly also), then it's someone on the DIS cuz there are like a gazillion of you out there.

Anyways thanks for listening. And if you are entertained (whether it be discusted, amused, whatever) then I will feel accomplished in something. LOL

Have a wonderful day everyone! *muah*

 

[Jennifer48]

Wow I'm sorry to hear of this guy in your sister's life. He doesn't sound like Prince Charming.

Unfortunately I don't have any words of wisdom but I just wanted to let you know that I was listening to your vent. I hope that helps.

 

[Pam]

How old are all of you? Are all of you still in HS or college? (Meaning you, your sister, and both of the BFs.) Sounds like maturity will eventually kick in and everyone will be happier.

And when does the MTV reality show begin??

 

[BeckWhy]

No one has good words of wisdom. I don't think I can even open my mouth. My dad would say to me "It's none of your business! You shouldn't get involved" type of deal.

I am 23, I just graduated from college.
My boyfriend, Eric, is 22 (will be 23 in October), he went to a tech school and is already working full time.
My sister, Ashley, is 19 (will be 20 in October). She just works at the mall.
And I dunno how old Jake is. 5? He might be 18 or 19. He was friends with one of my best friends.. so lemme think about this... Yeah I think Jake is 18 or 19 or 20.

Either way, I was surprised to even get a response.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My words of wisdom are to get a job where you work alot of hours and you won't even care what your sister is up too.
Focus on yourself, not her! Don't waste another minute.
Oh, and quit telling your BF & friends "sister detail's".
The reason is when you keep rehashing it, you work yourself up. Not necessary...let her go....and listen to your dad.

 

[BeckWhy]

My words of wisdom are to get a job where you work alot of hours and you won't even care what your sister is up too.
Focus on yourself, not her! Don't waste another minute.
Oh, and quit telling your BF & friends "sister detail's".
The reason is when you keep rehashing it, you work yourself up. Not necessary...let her go....and listen to your dad.

So I suppose that I should never talk to my sister? Because the only thing that she ever says to me is regarding her boyfriend. And I guess that the kid practically lives in my house.. I should... go live in my car?

The fact of the matter is it doesn't matter what I do I can't get not see or hear about this kid. I mean I could cut off my family and never talk or see them again. But where's the logic in that? I guess I shouldn't invite my sister to my wedding because he would have to come also? Your logic doesn't make sense to me.

And FYI. I am only home when I have to be which is when I eat and sleep. Other than that I am at school, working on my research, or at my boyfriend's.

Your logic doesn't make sense to me. And when I do get over it.. Jake does something else... it's a never ending cycle.

 

[TimeforMe]

It's so hard to watch someone you love make mistakes, isn't it? That's kind of what being a parent is like, too. Unfortunately all you can do is be there for her, support her, let her know you love her unconditionally. That doesn't mean you shouldn't voice your displeasure about her BF--he would absolutely drive me crazy --but just kind of *disregard* him as much as possible. Is there someone else you can introduce her to?

You sound like a very caring sister. Hang in there--hopefully she'll grow out of him

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Your logic doesn't make sense to me. And when I do get over it.. Jake does something else... it's a never ending cycle.

That is because you are 23ish and I am 41. I have already been there, done that. Many times over.

Did I say in my post to never talk to your sister? Nope...What I said was to focus on yourself. That is different.

You see...you cannot "make" your family do anything. And as speaking as "the oldest" of 3 siblings, you are in the position of "caretaker", yes or no? Unfortunately the side effect to that can be you neglect your own needs or you mess up your hard work at happiness. It robs you of joy.

You have to examine the motives of your sister. Is she "dumping" on you, so she feels better and you feel worse?
Really look at that.

 

[BeckWhy]

That is because you are 23ish and I am 41. I have already been there, done that. Many times over.

Did I say in my post to never talk to your sister? Nope...What I said was to focus on yourself. That is different.

You see...you cannot "make" your family do anything. And as speaking as "the oldest" of 3 siblings, you are in the position of "caretaker", yes or no? Unfortunately the side effect to that can be you neglect your own needs or you mess up your hard work at happiness. It robs you of joy.

You have to examine the motives of your sister. Is she "dumping" on you, so she feels better and you feel worse?
Really look at that.

I wouldn't say she "dumps" on us to make her feel better. Because unfortunately, I come home from my boyfriend's and talk about all the wonderful (but boring) stuff we do. LOL Very rarely do I say anything bad about my boyfriend and/or my relationship with him.

I think it's more of a.. she feels crappy about herself and wants us to tell her she's not. (Kinda like the girl "I'm fat" when she weighs 100 lbs).

I mean unless her "dumping" is wanting to make me feel really ticked off I wanna slap the kid silly.

Anyways.. I do try to avoid the kid at all costs. Most of the stuff that I have stated in my original post that annoys me, at first was all very funny. We (me, my mom, my dad, my brother, my older sister, and/or my boyfriend) would just sit back and laugh at Jakes ignorance.

I think it comes down to... an underlying concern that I try to ignore... he treats her a certain way... very badly.. in the public eye. How does he treat her behind closed doors? You know what I mean? What if he is physically abusing her? I think that's more my concern than anything. And of course you can't just talk to someone who is being abused. You get no where.

But whatever happens, unless I see him lay a hand on her, I will never say anything to him. If he touches her and I see it, it's all over. Course I probably will keep my mouth shut. My hands and legs will be doing more damage. hehehe

Everyone has tried to introduce her to guys. My dad's friend blatenly (sp) introduced her to a bunch of really good looking guys and said to her "You need a good looking boyfriend."



Speaking about focusing on myself... I am doing research on different beverages and how the effect one's body and/or health. My advisor gave it to me, I really didn't care what I did my research on, but this stuff.. man it's good stuff. Really interesting. I think a lot of it is over the top a little bit. LOL It's kinda funny... Has any one seen Supersize me? Like many people watch it and are like "ICK I'm never eating fast food again" or something. I watched it and I'm like "OMG I totally want fries and chicken nuggets right now." Anyways... it's interesting because I'm finding out all this information about how things are bad for you or whatever... and I'm like wow I shouldn't drink that.. and I have really changed like what I drink and stuff. I pretty much only drink water... Brita water to be exact.. if you want to know why I can reference you to some books that you can read.. or give you the little bit of information I know and believe. I just don't want to get flamed out for posting the information that I have found and believe.

Anyways.. I love my research. I wish I could do it my whole life. HAHAH That's what I say now.. but you know what happens, in two months I'll get bored and want to quit (that's always what happens with me.. I have not found anything that I like for a long time).

Anyways.. a lil OT there... but I'm the OP so I guess I can go OT... and if anyone wants to talk about my research its ok with me! So everyone can be OT on my post!

 

[BeckWhy]

It's so hard to watch someone you love make mistakes, isn't it? That's kind of what being a parent is like, too. Unfortunately all you can do is be there for her, support her, let her know you love her unconditionally. That doesn't mean you shouldn't voice your displeasure about her BF--he would absolutely drive me crazy --but just kind of *disregard* him as much as possible. Is there someone else you can introduce her to?

You sound like a very caring sister. Hang in there--hopefully she'll grow out of him

I hope she grows out of it. I don't want this kid at my wedding. You know he'll come in wearing dirty jeans and a tee shirt.. and wait.. I'll spend you know thousands of dollars to have marvalous (sp) food.. and he'll bring mcdonalds........

hehehehe

You know there are a lot of people who I don't want at my wedding that will probably have to come. Like this one girl who used to be one of my good friends til she started talking about me behind my back so I cut her off and stopped talking to her.


You know what.. now I'm thinking about it... The Mystery Machine.. I am starting to see what you are saying.... though I think it's hard because its my sister and I don't like bad things happening to her ya know. But its like that girl who was my friend... She would constantly do stuff and it would bother me.. so I just cut her out.. completely ignored her and everything she did disappeared (not saying I'm gonna ignore my sister).. until the day she was talking trash about me in front of me in my boyfriend's house. Anyways, it bothered the hell outta her that I didn't want anything to do with her... Not saying that Jake is smart enough to realize any different.

What happens between my sister and her boyfriend I guess wouldn't bother me if I didn't know it was going on but I don't think I could tell my sister that she can't come to me with her problems. And I do think it comes down to that underlying concern that he might be abusing her.

I'll tell you what though... this isn't the worse.. she was once friends with this girl in high school.. omg everyone hated them because they were such #*(*#@*. They were bad. OMG.

Anyways.. moving on...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

IYou know what.. now I'm thinking about it... The Mystery Machine.. I am starting to see what you are saying.... though I think it's hard because its my sister and I don't like bad things happening to her ya know. .

I know you want things to be different, but you cannot do it. Your sister has to. You have no power there.

You see, if you allow her to continue to "dump" on you it is like you are OKing the behavior. It is called enabling.

If you put a stop to it and say...I cannot hear about this anymore, I am too upset, whatever...then she will be forced to deal with it, ON HER OWN. You see???
Yes, it might get ugly but if it does it will be by her choice.

Does that make sense?

 

[BeckWhy]

I know you want things to be different, but you cannot do it. Your sister has to. You have no power there.

You see, if you allow her to continue to "dump" on you it is like you are OKing the behavior. It is called enabling.

If you put a stop to it and say...I cannot hear about this anymore, I am too upset, whatever...then she will be forced to deal with it, ON HER OWN. You see???
Yes, it might get ugly but if it does it will be by her choice.

Does that make sense?

Yes it makes sense. Can I ask you a personal question though... are you a guy or a girl?

I get what you are saying.. unfortunately, I don't think anyone else will tell her they don't want to hear about it. And with my luck.. I'll say it to her and she'll be like "I wasn't talking to you." Even though she is looking at me and screaming at the top of her lungs. I always tell her she needs to name the person she is talking to or else everyone gets involve.

I can tell she is different though... before if she did something bad she would get defensive and yell at you for being mad at her and stuff like that. Lately though, she's been very apologetic.. even for the most minute things... like she came and told me she was gonna vacuum (the entire house is like on one circuit, it sucks), so I thanked her and turned off my computer. Well I was watching Hostel and she blew a circuit. No surprise to me. So she runs into my room.. OMG I'm so sorry. And I'm like for what.. and she goes you were watching a movie and i blew the circuit. I'm like its ok i can watch it again. So flipped the circuit and i just sat in my room and did sudukoes until she was done cuz I figured if I turned all my AV equiptment on it would just blow the circuit again. So it happened again anyways.. again she comes running into my room sorry sorry sorry.. and I'm like its ok I wasn't doing anything.. blah blah blah..

Anyways.. I understand what you are saying. But I think my mom will continue to listen to what my sister has to say either way. So she probably won't have to deal with it herself. But you're right.. I shouldn't have to subject myself to the crap. I dunno if I'll tell her I don't wanna hear it cuz I'm upset.. I'll probably just say.. well........ something depends on what mood I'm in.

 

[LadyBears]

To quote you "So we talked about it. And she was thinking about dumping him but didn't want to because he was depressed and she was afraid he'd kill himself". I see HUGE RED FLAGS here!

From my experience - & I am sure you will get more thoughts agreeing with me on this in the morning, as I am not too sure how many of us are here at this time of night - it sounds as if your sister is in an abusive relationship & your family, but not stepping in, is enabling it!! For him to disrespect your sister is bad enough - he is disrespecting your parents in their own home!!

This is not an age thing - I KNOW teenage boys know how to respect their girlfriends. He sounds like he has low self esteem, among other issues, & every time your sister pulls a "yesmasterwhateveryouwantmaster" he feels better about himself. The more he treats her like sh!t, the more she kisses his butt & the more he feels like he's better than her. Repeat cycle...

Please be there for your sister - it will be very hard for her to make a clean break from him.
I had an ex who said he couldn't live without me, blah blah, would kill himself, blah blah. I stayed with him, not because I was happy -but because I was guilty. I was lucky enough to have a friend who saw through his game & helped me call the ex on it. I finally got to the point where I realized I would be happier with myself if he were dead (that did take a long time!) !! I dumped his sorry butt & guess what?? Last I heard - he was alive & kickin' & pullin' the same sh!t with another girl.

From what you have written & from my own personal experience, I can summarize her relationship with him in one word: TOXIC!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I shouldn't have to subject myself to the crap. I dunno if I'll tell her I don't wanna hear it cuz I'm upset.. I'll probably just say.. well........ something depends on what mood I'm in.

There you go... You don't have to be involved! Maybe other's will follow your lead. You just never know....She could be doing this stuff so she remains the "center of attention" of the family. She always has stuff going on that "needs attention" from mom & dad.

It only gets better buy expecting better. It is called "setting boundaries". Learning how to do this with your family is a very good lesson for your future life.

I am a SAHM with a DH I have been with for 20 years (married 15) and I have 2 girls, 15 & 9.

 

[kirbsam]

you either need to do something about this or quit whining about it. by allowing all of this bad stuff to happen, you are no better than the guy. if someone is mistreating(physically or not) a loved one, you have the responsibility to step in. if your sister gets mad at you, tough. you are mistreating your sister more by ignoring it. sounds exactly what your sister is doing to stay in this relationship. she doesnt want to hurt the guy, so she will tolerate his abuse. you dont want to hurt your sister, so you will tolerate his abuse towards her. either do something about it or quit your inane ramblings.

 

[BeckWhy]

There you go... You don't have to be involved! Maybe other's will follow your lead. You just never know....She could be doing this stuff so she remains the "center of attention" of the family. She always has stuff going on that "needs attention" from mom & dad.

It only gets better buy expecting better. It is called "setting boundaries". Learning how to do this with your family is a very good lesson for your future life.

I am a SAHM with a DH I have been with for 20 years (married 15) and I have 2 girls, 15 & 9.

What is SAHM?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What is SAHM?

Stay at home mom.

 

[poohandwendy]

I agree with MM..she knows of what she speaks. Be there for your sister when she needs you, but try to avoid being wrapped up in her drama. Only she can change things in her life.

(btw, I am a mom of a 19yo DD, 16yo DS and 12yo DD...usually the drama is a maturity thing and hopefully your sister will out grown it...and she probably will out grown him too)


Good luck with it!

 

[BeckWhy]

LadyBears & kirbsam: I think I am going to take The Mystery Machine's advice on this one... and I will tell you why...

If I butt in, my dad will kick me out. Yes I still live with my parents. If you want to know why, I will tell you. Because I want to save all the money I can so I can buy a really nice house (or a house that I can renovate myself and make look nice) and to buy a brand new 2007 Chrysler 300C AWD (unless I don't save enough money before the end of 2007). And FYI I will not pay sticker price for the car, I will probably pay $10,000 under MSRP. I can do that because I am good! MUHAHAH! Anyways, besides that... Unless I see him physically harm him, I will not do anything because I do not want to get kicked out (oh and also I want my dad to pay my college loans). I guess this is my selfish self coming into play, but after talking with The Mystery Machine and thinking about it in that sense after what she said and realized that if I say/do anything I will suffer reprocusions (sp) from my dad which I do not want to suffer. And yes they are very selfish reasons.... well that and I have no place to move to if I get kicked out.

I explained my feelings about Jake to my sister several times, she knows I don't like him, she knows I think he is emotionally abusive. She chooses not to listen to what I had to say, and I feel there isn't much more I can do without putting excessive "pressure" on him.

I will say this though... I'm not sure for my mom, but I think my dad is/was very much like Jake. I think because of that, I don't think my dad thinks there is anything wrong with what Jake does.

 

[BeckWhy]

Stay at home mom.

I wanna be a stay at home mom!