Shower but not Wedding Etiquette

[littlered]

I know, I know..but I am perplexed but the invite.

I was sent a shower invite for a tea shower for a former coworker and I know that I am not being invited to the wedding as she has mentioned it is out of state but they may do a get together in our state after.

I was sorta OK with that but then today I get the invite and on the back it mentions where they are registered and that if we would like to bring a dish or drink to the shower it would be appreciated and they have a list of appropriate recipes..

I'm kinda perplexed by the whole thing and not sure how to respond..

 

[PrincessShmoo]

I know, I know..but I am perplexed but the invite.

I was sent a shower invite for a tea shower for a former coworker and I know that I am not being invited to the wedding as she has mentioned it is out of state but they may do a get together in our state after.

I was sorta OK with that but then today I get the invite and on the back it mentions where they are registered and that if we would like to bring a dish or drink to the shower it would be appreciated and they have a list of appropriate recipes..

I'm kinda perplexed by the whole thing and not sure how to respond..

Well, if it were me......
I'd have to decide whether I was close enough to the former coworker to want to go and/or even give a gift.

Personally, I'd probably skip it.

 

[Janepod]

I would decline and not send anything. It sounds like a gift grab.

 

[Riles_and_Gabe]

I have to agree with other posters, I don't think I would be going or sending a present.

 

[SLP958]

Think I would skip that event.
Asking guests to bring shower food is a new one for me. That is cheap and tacky.

 

[ksjayhawks]

I would decline as well. You shouldn't invite people to a shower if they aren't invited to the wedding (though sometimes a work shower might be held and this seems acceptable.

But you aren't a coworker, but a former coworker. And, asking you to bring food or drink to what should be a hosted event is tacky. Sounds kind of like a gift grab to me as well.

 

[TLuvsD]

I would send a nice congratulatory note with my regrets.

You do not invite guests to the shower who are not invited to the wedding. And the whole bring a dish, here is the recipe thing is just odd.

 

[badblackpug]

I know people get all worked up abut etiquette here, and I know abut a million people will come back with replies that I am wrong, and that it's "regional," but I was always told 1) you only invite people to the shower that you are going to invite to the wedding. 2) you never ask someone to supply both food and a gift.

 

[descovy]

If you suspect unkind intentions, or feel dissed by not being invited to the out of state wedding, by all means, decline the invite to the shower.

Its an invite... not a summons.

 

[shortbun]

Who's hosting the shower? Perhaps tradition in this family or circle of friends dictates this format. Go or don't go. If you go, follow their instructions. The registration info is probably for someone looking for shower gift ideas. This is not something you should spend much more time worrying about.

 

[Aliceacc]

Around here, the custom is that the only people who get invited to the shower are the people invited to the wedding. And the shower is a party hosted by someone, not a potuluck. I've never brought a dish to any shower unless one of my sisters hosted it.

I would politely decline.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

Personally, my gift grab radar would be pinging all over the place at this one. I would nicely, politely decline.

 

[Rylee]

While I find it to be in poor taste and would never be involved in giving/throwing a shower which included inviting guest who were not on the wedding list, and/or asking for a dish to pass, whether I attended one would depend on how I felt about the bride-to-be and those involved with giving the shower.

Who is giving the shower? I can see how this might come about... even though the wedding is out of state, a couple of girl friends think, 'we still want to do something for you around here,' and view it as a fun time to get together and visit with friends and share in the joy of their friend's happiness.

 

[Ceila]

While I find it to be in poor taste and would never be involved in giving/throwing a shower which included inviting guest who were not on the wedding list, and/or asking for a dish to pass, whether I attended one would depend on how I felt about the bride-to-be and those involved with giving the shower.

Who is giving the shower? I can see how this might come about... even though the wedding is out of state, a couple of girl friends think, 'we still want to do something for you around here,' and view it as a fun time to get together and visit with friends and share in the joy of their friend's happiness.

MTE. I'd need to know much more before I'd be so quick to declare this a gift grab as some posters have done.

OP, you mentioned that there would be a celebration at home later - are you invited to that? I can see where the couple might not invite people to an out-of-state wedding to spare them feeling obligated to spend a lot to go. If you are on the invite list for the later party, I think the invite to the shower is completely appropriate.

Also, although I've never been to a potluck shower, maybe that's just how her circle does things. The recipe thing does seem strange, but does their religion have certain dietary restrictions? Maybe that's why they included recipes.

Like I said, I'd need more info before I'd write off the invite, especially if I was friendly with the bride.

 

[lynxstch]

i would decline and not send anything. It sounds like a gift grab.

ita

 

[design_mom]

I agree that wedding etiquette dictates that you only invite people to the shower who are also invited to the wedding. But, I'd be willing to overlook it for an out-of-town wedding if it was someone I cared about.

My circle of friends *is* one that throws a lot of potluck parties, but the potluck shower still seems weird. I could see putting the word out (word of mouth) to a few close friends/relatives: "Hey, would you mind helping us out with the shower by bringing ___" but to put it on a formal invitation to everyone seems odd. I probably would *not* bring a dish unless I was personally asked. Since it sounded optional on the invitation and you aren't particularly close with the honoree, I probably would choose *not* to bring a dish.

As for whether to go or not, I guess it would depend on my relationship with the honoree. I have a few former co-workers whose showers I would happily attend, and a lot of former co-workers that I'd probably decline.

 

[luvmy3]

I agree that wedding etiquette dictates that you only invite people to the shower who are also invited to the wedding. But, I'd be willing to overlook it for an out-of-town wedding if it was someone I cared about.

My circle of friends *is* one that throws a lot of potluck parties, but the potluck shower still seems weird. I could see putting the word out (word of mouth) to a few close friends/relatives: "Hey, would you mind helping us out with the shower by bringing ___" but to put it on a formal invitation to everyone seems odd. I probably would *not* bring a dish unless I was personally asked. Since it sounded optional on the invitation and you aren't particularly close with the honoree, I probably would choose *not* to bring a dish.

As for whether to go or not, I guess it would depend on my relationship with the honoree. I have a few former co-workers whose showers I would happily attend, and a lot of former co-workers that I'd probably decline.

I feel the same way.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I know, I know..but I am perplexed but the invite.

I was sent a shower invite for a tea shower for a former coworker and I know that I am not being invited to the wedding as she has mentioned it is out of state but they may do a get together in our state after.

I was sorta OK with that but then today I get the invite and on the back it mentions where they are registered and that if we would like to bring a dish or drink to the shower it would be appreciated and they have a list of appropriate recipes..

I'm kinda perplexed by the whole thing and not sure how to respond..

If she is a "former coworker" and not a "friend", I would decline the shower.

However if she is a friend of yours and you want to maintain the friendship, you have to suck it up and go.

 

[Disneychix]

While I find it to be in poor taste and would never be involved in giving/throwing a shower which included inviting guest who were not on the wedding list, and/or asking for a dish to pass, whether I attended one would depend on how I felt about the bride-to-be and those involved with giving the shower.

Who is giving the shower? I can see how this might come about... even though the wedding is out of state, a couple of girl friends think, 'we still want to do something for you around here,' and view it as a fun time to get together and visit with friends and share in the joy of their friend's happiness.

I agree with this.

But I still would decline. If it was a current co-worker I'd probably go, but not for a former co-worker.

 

[powellrj]

I was invited to a shower last week for an out of state wedding I won't be invited to.

I guess I never put too much thought into invitations. I go if I want to and decline if I don't. If it was someone I wanted to see, I would go with a gift and a dish, if it was someone I didn't care to see again, I would just decline.