Should parents be able to force their adult children to vacation with them?

[NMAmy]

I'm not even sure how parents would go about forcing an adult child to vacation with them. As others have said, threatening to cut off college support is the only way I can think of and the parent shouldn't be surprised when their bribery/blackmail scheme backfires on them. Frankly, I'm not surprised at the behavior the OP saw in her adult child. If you treat your adult child like they're still underage, chances are they'll behave that way.

My dd is 21 and in college. We always offer to take her along with us on vacations. Sometimes she comes and sometimes she doesn't--it depends on what's going on in her schedule and her preferences. We love to have her come along if she can but we're understanding if she can't or she doesn't want to.

 

[NHdisneylover]

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I never knew that. Thank you

 

[Squidgyness]

I was a victim of such tactics on our last trip to the world in '09. Suffice to say I was a bit chicken (which I admit, and am trying to work on) and got dizzy a lot, partly due to being overweight, and I got the whole "I paid X dollars for this, enjoy it or else" and "you are ruining the trip for everyone." This resulted in some major emotional breakdown on my part. I'm not proud of it, but there it is.

Part of me says it was just the heat getting to our heads and causing arguments, the other part still hasn't forgiven my family for the tactics they resorted too that day. I was only 17 and 3/4 (lol) so not sure if that counts as 'adult' but let me tell you my reaction was anything but.

I won't say it 'ruined' the trip but it definitely spoiled at least 2 or 3 days. They know better now, if they try to push me I dig my heels in more and more, thats what I did on that trip and it took them a few days to realise what they were doing wrong, then they switched to more gentle encouragement, but I was too far gone for that to work.

It's taken me a long time to get past it, but I don't think I'll ever fully forgive them for saying stuff like that to me. Call it petty, but I just find myself boiling over at the mere memory of it. I try to be the bigger party, but it aint easy.

My 2 cents.

 

[RitaZ.]

Dad to Son: "You're going with us to Disneyworld next month. Get your bags packed."

Son to Dad: "I'm not going."

Dad to Son: "Then I will stop paying your college tuition."

Son to Dad: "Fine I'll go. I hate you."

What's not to like? Sounds like a vacation made in heaven.

 

[eliza61]

I'm not even sure how parents would go about forcing an adult child to vacation with them. As others have said, threatening to cut off college support is the only way I can think of and the parent shouldn't be surprised when their bribery/blackmail scheme backfires on them. Frankly, I'm not surprised at the behavior the OP saw in her adult child. If you treat your adult child like they're still underage, chances are they'll behave that way.

My dd is 21 and in college. We always offer to take her along with us on vacations. Sometimes she comes and sometimes she doesn't--it depends on what's going on in her schedule and her preferences. We love to have her come along if she can but we're understanding if she can't or she doesn't want to.

I haven't read the original thread so I don't know the entire story but I don't think cutting off college tuition is not necessarily always blackmail.

I was fortunate my parents were able to pay my tuition. In my sophmore year I decided to move in with my boyfriend. This went against every belief my mother had and I knew it. So the conversation was very simple. If I chose to live with my boyfriend they were not funding this life style.

I totally had no problem with that, she was shelling out thousands of bucks on me. So it was my decision. I moved back to the dorm and graduated with no college loans.

There were times that I was expected to do things with my family, I was never forced on vacation but there were definitely "required events" such as grandparents 50th anniversary celebration that my prescence was definitely expected.

My kids definitely have "strings" attached to their college tuition. If that makes me manipulative, so be it but when you depend on some one else for your lifestyle especially as an adult, yep there are expectations that go along with that. We talk about it all the time. for example, I'm paying my sons tuition for room and board at an out of state college, I expect him to come home on spring break and work. If he feels he can party on an island then I feel he can pay his own tuition.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

The Parent can dictate and put any condition on their adult child they wish, ie tuition paid-no dating or tuition paid go on vacation with parent

However

The ADULT child can choose to accept the conditions or be an adult and walk away and be independent.

This is the difference for me. An adult child living on their own vs an adult child still living with their parents. If you live in their home, under their roof then you have to accept their rules and requests or move out. If you are on your own then it is absurd to demand that they vacation with you.

Now..... on a related note my MIL has decided this year that Father's Day will be at the family vaction house over 3 hours away and we are all to come down Friday morning and go home Monday morning. Nope not going to happen. Nobody tells DH and I (We are 44 and 42!) where we are going to vacation and when to take vaction time. Plus we despise the shore house - we have not been there in over 10 years. I would never waste 2 vacation days going to a place we hate.

 

[luvmy3]

My kids definitely have "strings" attached to their college tuition. If that makes me manipulative, so be it but when you depend on some one else for your lifestyle especially as an adult, yep there are expectations that go along with that. We talk about it all the time. for example, I'm paying my sons tuition for room and board at an out of state college, I expect him to come home on spring break and work. If he feels he can party on an island then I feel he can pay his own tuition.

I don't think that in any way compares to you are going on vacation with me or I'm cutting off the funding. Your "strings" are reasonable, and what I see as pretty normal things a parent would expect from their adult child while in college. What the OP describes is controlling and manipulative, and definitely seems like blackmail.

 

[Colleen27]

I think it depends on how we're defining adult. I expect my children will continue to vacation with us as a family throughout their high school years, although I will (and do, for my 14yo) take their opinions and other commitments into account and wouldn't lay down the law over one specific trip. My oldest will legally be an adult for his senior year, but will still be in school and under my roof so that extends to him same as it does to my daughters who will both graduate at 17. I wouldn't accept my high schooler deciding to stay home from every vacation rather than be away from friends for a week (but at this point I can't imagine my kids choosing that either - my 14yo has a list of all the destinations he wants us to fit into the next few years!).

Once they're in college and more or less out on their own (even if it is with my financial support) it is up to them. They'll be invited but without expectation.

 

[MichelleVW]

I'm waiting for the day that my girls won't want to go on vacation with me (ok...I lied...I like taking them, but it would be cheaper if they didn't go Lol ). My girls are 19 and 21 and are both in college.

 

[Jennasis]

Speaking from experience here...

NO. It's a disaster in the making. I'm 35, my older sister is 39 and my younger sister is 28. In 2010, DH and I planned a trip to WDW with my parents. It's a trip we'd been planning for 2 years. My mom then decided it should be a trip for the whole family and "invited" both sisters (and my older sister's husband). My younger sister admittedly is NOT a fan of either the heat or the magic of WDW, but Mom made a big to-do about how she HAD to have all of her girls together on this trip.

I warned my sisters not to come if they weren't going to enjoy themselves and explained exactly how DH and I (and my parents) tour...commando.

My little sister was an unholy witch from the second they landed at MCO. By day 3 of a 6 day trip things came to a head and found me hysterical on a curb outside some USO restaurant after blowing up at the miserable witch. I was crying because my sisters were ruining the trip with their nasty attitudes and I was crying because DH and I only get a vacation (or a day off from work...seriously) every other years and it was being destroyed.

My mother admitted it was wrong to demand the other two to come along when they had made it known at the outset that WDW wasn't their thing. DH and I are having a do-over trip this September and NOBODY is going with us.

 

[Pigeon]

Forcing someone to go on vacation with you is just plain idiotic. Isn't the point of vacation to relax, enjoy each other's company, and have a good time? I'm not seeing any of that happening undercoercive conditions.

My paying for my kids' college does come with strings. Mostly they involve keeping up a good GPA, not about vacations. If they don't, they are welcome to move back home and attend a community college or get a job. I'm not flushing away tens of thousands of dollars for them to party all the time.

My ILs have tried to pressure us into going on vacation with them on many occasions. Once it was by way of them celebrating a major wedding anniversary on Nantucket, and heavy guilt trips were involved. I declined, and they and some of my BILs and SILs were pretty ticked off. I love my ILs and do a lot with and for them. But I get precious little vacation time, and it is mine, all mine. Spending a week trapped on an island with my BILs, who I loathe, is just not how I'm spending any vacation.