Should I do anything more than this?

[NHdisneylover]

That's fine. And the day my kids come home in tears because another parent was mean to them is the day that parent and I are going to have words.

Correcting misbehavious ir NOT being mean. Some kids (especially kids who have been allowed to get away with things most of their lives) may see it as such, but as all of those parents who know their job is not to simply be their child's friend know--sometimes we have to do things are kids do not like.

Teachers would only yell at a student for being disrespectful and I don't have an issue with that. My kids would be the ones to decide to play sports and know that occasionally a coach is going to get angry with them so they know what they're getting into.

And I already said in another post that there are times when it is necessary to step in (fighting, stealing, being disrespectful, etc.) If your stepping is saving my child from direct harm then of course I would want you to do that. Prank calls don't fall in that category and most things wouldn't fall into that category.

Let me pose this question: Suppose you and I are chaperoning a field trip and we get put in charge of a group of 6. One of those 6 students is your child and one is mine. My child decides to prank call someone and you and I both hear it. I decide I don't care and I let it go. Would you correct my child?

First off, I would have a problem with "teachers who yell at a student"--but no one else here is talking about ANYbody yelling at anyone so enough of that.
As to your question--on a school trip in which I represent the school's interests and policies you had better believe i would stop ANY kid in the group from making a harassing call whether their parent were there or not. If you then told your child to go ahead I would be in the principal's office that afternoon because it would be my responsibility to make sure the correct people were aware of this bullying and illegal behaviour happening during the school day. I would not call or speak to any of the other parents involved as that would violate the consequentiality of students in the school setting.
In the schools I have worked in, had that been reported and had you gone in and confirmed it happened as you say in your example then you would not be chaperoning or volunteering in class anymore.

Coaches and Teachers are in a position of authority and they are basically a pseudo parent depending on the ages of the kids. I don't have a problem with one of those professionals correcting my kids if it is needed. That is completely different from just another parent driving kids around. I gave my kid to you for the time to drive them around, not to monitor their behavior. Sorry if that offends your parental inclinations.

If you ask me to drive your kid around, that by extension includes "psuedo parenting" while the child is in my care. If you have issues with other parents telling your child to cut it out when they are not behaving then you should not send you child off with other parents at all.

Yup I have a big issue with people meddling into the affairs of others. I don't do it to others so I expect them not to do it to me. If they do, we'll have issues.

If the kid is in MY car they are a part of MY affairs--so I am meddling on my own affair at that point.

Maybe the kid who is getting "bullied" shouldn't pick up calls from numbers he doesn't recognize

This is a blame the victim mentality.

I didn't say they would cry. I said if they were to come home in tears there would be trouble.

If my kids were of an older age, they will probably tell the parent to mind their own business and I won't have any problems with that.

Early you said it would be okay for another parent to lecture your child if your child was disrespectful to them. I would consider this highly disrespectful. And, once again, I would consider illegal acts happening on my property as very much my own business.

 

[NHdisneylover]

1) I obviously would not confirm it and since the phone would be in my pocket you would have no way of proving your story unless you somehow get the person who got prank called to come in to the office and say it happened. But without the phone you would have no idea who was called so that's going to be difficult for you.

2) And my kids will know whether or not you are out of line in your meddling. If you are out of line they will disregard your request.

3) If a parent provokes my kids then I have no problem with them standing up for themselves. If my kids think you're out of line, they will tell you so.

Why not? Seriously you have been going on and on for ages about how it is not okay for another parent, even as the adult in charge, to tell a kid to not make a prank call. So, stand up for your beliefs and tell the truth of what happened. I thought it was obvious from your stance that you would say exactly how you feel about the matter. The fact that you would lie about the situation tells me that you know you are wrong and out of line and would have no leg to stand on.

Other ways to confirm it would be:
1. Ask the 6 kids who were there on the trip.
2. Ask your son, without you present, what happened
3. Check the caller ID for the phone of the child being harassed to see if a call came in at the reported time.

This is really pretty simple stuff.

 

[hambirg]

Man I wish I didn't read this thread!

First, I have to honestly say that one prank call does not equal bullying in my book. Don't you all remember in 4th grade that little boy that actually kept elbowing you was just trying to say he liked you? Obviously, I don't know the boy or any of the kids in the OP's post. but I don't think we should always jump to these drastic conclusions.

If I remember correctly, when I was that age, it was usually the boy we liked that we crank called a few times. And if you actually received a crank call, it was usually some boy that liked you that didn't have the guts to actually come out and say it.

Kids are juvenile. When I was in high school I was on the swim team. At some point, your house was getting TPed. There seemed to be a correlation between how popular you were and how often your house got TPed. There was a boy on the team, that wasn't all that popular. Apparently, it came to our attention that he was actually hurt that we hadn't TPed his house. Guess what? We TPed the bejeezus out of his house one night. His Mom actually came outside and helped us. She was so thrilled that he was going to be soooo excited that their house finally got TPed. Go figure, kids are weird sometimes.

I'm not saying that this is the case here, but I do think that sometimes the "grown-ups" need to just calm down a little bit. We don't always have to assume the worst. Kids like attention. Sometimes we don't always get it.

That being said, if it would have been me in the car, I would have just told the kids not to be mean. They are old enough to know what that means and they are old enough to empathize with that boy without me having go into it more. My kids know I don't tolerate meaness.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Other people don't see it the same way I do, that's apparent from reading the thread. And I would never allow my kids to get in trouble for behavior I don't feel is that out of line. If it means lying, then so be it.

1) Those kids would say they heard nothing b/c kids don't rat on each other.
2) My son would deny it. We'll have a pre chat should he be called in to the principal's office.
3) Caller ID of what child? You would have no idea what child it was or if it was a child at all. Maybe he prank called your husband. What if my son just prank called his girlfriend. LOL you really are off base here.

Nope--you are right we definitely do not see things the same way at all. Teaching your child to lie to get out of trouble is really not what I would consider good parenting at all (point 2--plus just the example you are setting). I have stood up for my kids when I thought the rules were wrong and I do teach them they can consciously break a rule they feel is really wrong and they are willing to take a stand on and I will back them up--but they have to be willing to take a stand and willing to deal with the fallout, not lie their way out of trouble.

As to your first point, some kids might tell. Also, the issue at that point, from your scenario, would have nothing to do with getting another child in trouble and everything to do with making sure chaperones are capable of following and enforcing rules.

The third point, didn't the example involve the kids openly talking about WHO they were calling and pranking? Thus, easy to check.

I am just going to be happy you are not a parent of a friend of my child since we are so clearly on such different sides of the issue.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Man I wish I didn't read this thread!

First, I have to honestly say that one prank call does not equal bullying in my book. Don't you all remember in 4th grade that little boy that actually kept elbowing you was just trying to say he liked you? Obviously, I don't know the boy or any of the kids in the OP's post. but I don't think we should always jump to these drastic conclusions.

If I remember correctly, when I was that age, it was usually the boy we liked that we crank called a few times. And if you actually received a crank call, it was usually some boy that liked you that didn't have the guts to actually come out and say it.

Kids are juvenile. When I was in high school I was on the swim team. At some point, your house was getting TPed. There seemed to be a correlation between how popular you were and how often your house got TPed. There was a boy on the team, that wasn't all that popular. Apparently, it came to our attention that he was actually hurt that we hadn't TPed his house. Guess what? We TPed the bejeezus out of his house one night. His Mom actually came outside and helped us. She was so thrilled that he was going to be soooo excited that their house finally got TPed. Go figure, kids are weird sometimes.

I'm not saying that this is the case here, but I do think that sometimes the "grown-ups" need to just calm down a little bit. We don't always have to assume the worst. Kids like attention. Sometimes we don't always get it.

That being said, if it would have been me in the car, I would have just told the kids not to be mean. They are old enough to know what that means and they are old enough to empathize with that boy without me having go into it more. My kids know I don't tolerate meaness.

In the example given in the OP it was not someone somebody had a crush on (with the kid maybe calling and then getting shy and giggling and hanging up), etc. It was someone that is already left out and not fitting in and is a loner. The example invovled the boy saying he had been making crank callS and others wanting the number so they could also make calls. That repeated behaviour is moving into harassment and not so innocent. Yet, pretty much everyone said they would do more or less what you did and just say something to the boys about it but do no more. Then the question morphed into IF he had try to make the call from the car--some of us would then stop the call from being made while in our vehicle.

I also don't allow people to eat in my car. I have nothing against eating at all--but it does not happen in my car because I like it to stay cleaner than that. My car, my rules and f you do not like it then don't ask me for a ride.

 

[aprilgail2]

Other people don't see it the same way I do, that's apparent from reading the thread. And I would never allow my kids to get in trouble for behavior I don't feel is that out of line. If it means lying, then so be it.

1) Those kids would say they heard nothing b/c kids don't rat on each other.
2) My son would deny it. We'll have a pre chat should he be called in to the principal's office.
.

I have already told my daughter that if she gets called to the principals office to not tell them anything- even if she did it to just say she is not talking until they call her parent. They have a way of getting kids to admit to things even if they didn't do it just to get finished with being screamed at...happened to my friends son- he could not take the screaming of "you know you did it" anymore so he said "ok I did it"....got suspended and funny thing they found out the next week who really did it and asked him why he confessed and he said he couldn't take the yelling at him anymore so he just wanted it to stop.... my daughter is a bit of a geek-she would be the kid who confessed just to stop getting yelled at and it is my job to protect her.
In the "good old days" kids learned quickly what happened to kids that "ratted"--didn't take long for them to learn that was not something you should do!

 

[MushyMushy]

I have already told my daughter that if she gets called to the principals office to not tell them anything- even if she did it to just say she is not talking until they call her parent. They have a way of getting kids to admit to things even if they didn't do it just to get finished with being screamed at...happened to my friends son- he could not take the screaming of "you know you did it" anymore so he said "ok I did it"....got suspended and funny thing they found out the next week who really did it and asked him why he confessed and he said he couldn't take the yelling at him anymore so he just wanted it to stop.... my daughter is a bit of a geek-she would be the kid who confessed just to stop getting yelled at and it is my job to protect her.
In the "good old days" kids learned quickly what happened to kids that "ratted"--didn't take long for them to learn that was not something you should do!

Very sadly, I agree with you. Not all principals are like this, but when they have a kid in their sights who they believe did something wrong or deserve to be punished, it no longer matters if the child is actually innocent.

But I think the poster you're agreeing with is just going over the top with his peeing match and the "ZOMG! You don't dare tell MY precious cupcakes what to do! I'll show you!" attitude. It has crossed the line into the bizarre.

 

[Mermaid02]

Teachers would only yell at a student for being disrespectful and I don't have an issue with that. My kids would be the ones to decide to play sports and know that occasionally a coach is going to get angry with them so they know what they're getting into.

And I already said in another post that there are times when it is necessary to step in (fighting, stealing, being disrespectful, etc.) If your stepping is saving my child from direct harm then of course I would want you to do that. Prank calls don't fall in that category and most things wouldn't fall into that category.

Let me pose this question: Suppose you and I are chaperoning a field trip and we get put in charge of a group of 6. One of those 6 students is your child and one is mine. My child decides to prank call someone and you and I both hear it. I decide I don't care and I let it go. Would you correct my child?

I would correct your kid and you. Then I would tell everyone what a jerk you are.

Maybe the kid who is getting "bullied" shouldn't pick up calls from numbers he doesn't recognize

Maybe the pranks go to voicemail- still a prank call.

And like I said earlier I'm wondering why the victim continues to answer calls from numbers he doesn't recognize. Most people I know "ignore" those calls immediately.

Why are you blaming the victim?

 

[Mkrop]

Coaches and Teachers are in a position of authority and they are basically a pseudo parent depending on the ages of the kids. I don't have a problem with one of those professionals correcting my kids if it is needed. That is completely different from just another parent driving kids around. I gave my kid to you for the time to drive them around, not to monitor their behavior. Sorry if that offends your parental inclinations.

The would be the last carpool with you that we participated in. My car, my rules, dont like it find another ride. I would also expect my sons to do the same if in your car. If we didnt like your rules then we would find rides elsewhere.

Sorry but if I am driving your kid around, you better darn sure believe that while in MY car and on MY time, he will get corrected in a nice way. I bet you won't have friends drive your kid or have your kids over for long, not with that attitude.

Oh and by the way, if I am driving your child around and he is under 18 then yes I am in a position of authority and if you didn't like it then you could get someone else to do the driving.

I really don't understand you, why are you so against another parent telling your child that something they are doing is wrong? I really just don't get it. We aren't talking about a parent screaming at another child. But telling them that what they are doing is wrong.

And to the parent who mentioned blowing this out of proportion, if it was a silly prank, then I would let it go, and maybe tell them to stop but if it had the tone that the OP described and was agaisnt a child who was already struggling, I would certainly tell them to knock it off.


I will say this again, as we can see from some of the postings here, SOME parents are part of the problem with bullying as much as the bully themselves.

 

[Magpie]

That being said, if it would have been me in the car, I would have just told the kids not to be mean. They are old enough to know what that means and they are old enough to empathize with that boy without me having go into it more. My kids know I don't tolerate meaness.

Actually Man, if you'd read the entire post you wouldn't be giving the thumb's up to Hambirg. Turns out she's another "meddling parent", just like the rest of us.

Mind you, I guess you'd figure that out when your kids came to you in tears over actually being told to stop doing something mean.

 

[taximomfor4]

With the troubles my middle dd had recently, and the news spotlight that has been shown on the high school in our area (suicides of bullied kids), this thread saddens me. My heart goes out to the child getting the prank calls. It doesn't sound like the calls are just a joke -- sounds like they are part of a bigger plague. Otherwise, OP wouldn't have alarms going off in her heart.

Hopefully dd12 will get her story completed soon and then perhaps eyes & hearts will open.

But one question: if witnesses to bullying don't try to put a stop to it, WHO WILL?

 

[NHdisneylover]

If you see my quote I never mentioned who they were prank calling, just that a prank call was being made. So you would have NO IDEA who my child was calling unless one of the other kids happened to know who it was, unlikely.

Regardless this is just getting downright silly now. I think I've made my point about not allowing other parents to correct my children on matters that I think are of no consequence. You think differently, you're entitled. Hopefully you're never in a position of chaperoning or giving my kids a ride. Because you would definitely have your hands full that day!!

Yes, thank goodness I do not live anywhere near you. My kids have a variety of lovely, well mannered friends who would handle being told to cut it out if they misbehaved without any tears and whose parents would never go off the deep end over such an issue occurring. Phew.

I wonder in what way do you mean I would "have my hands full"? Do you mean that your child is a hand full (I wouldn't be surprised if he has been taught to ignore adults and do as he pleases)? Or do you mean I would have my hands full dealing with you? I mean the worst you could do is tell me you do not want me to tell your kid to behave when he doesn't. In that case I would tell you what had transpired and if you stubbornly stuck to your guns (like you have here) I would tell you your child is no longer welcome in our home or car or yard, etc. I'm sure I would role my eyes and have a good laugh with my husband that night about the crazy dad but that would be all. Unless you mean that you would in some way threaten or intimidate me for having dared to tell your little angel to behave. Then I would just close the door and call the cops and they could have their hands full with you instead.

I have already told my daughter that if she gets called to the principals office to not tell them anything- even if she did it to just say she is not talking until they call her parent. They have a way of getting kids to admit to things even if they didn't do it just to get finished with being screamed at...happened to my friends son- he could not take the screaming of "you know you did it" anymore so he said "ok I did it"....got suspended and funny thing they found out the next week who really did it and asked him why he confessed and he said he couldn't take the yelling at him anymore so he just wanted it to stop.... my daughter is a bit of a geek-she would be the kid who confessed just to stop getting yelled at and it is my job to protect her.
In the "good old days" kids learned quickly what happened to kids that "ratted"--didn't take long for them to learn that was not something you should do!

It is sad that it has to be that way, but I can understand and respect a parent seeing this as an issue where they live. However, I think there is a world of difference between telling a child to wait until a parent is present and ale to be sure they are being treated fairly before talking and telling a child to lie about his own actions and even the actions of his parent.

In the adult world, the one is kind of like a person refusing to talk to police without a lawyer present, the other would be like lying to the police. Gernerally everyone is okay with the first but precious few are okay with the latter.

 

[ccgirl]

See--I eel like when a child is in y care I do very much have a right (and responsibility) to keep tabs on how they are behaving and stop inappropriate behaviour.

In this case, I would have done as others mentioned and simply interrupted their conversations to make the comment that they should think about the trouble they can very easily find themselves in by making prank calls (and then, as the OP did talk more about it with my child at home later).
Had the prank caller taken out her cell phone and tried to make such a call while in my car I would have put a stop to it immediately.

This is how I feel. If the child is in my care, they are my full responsibility. I will make sure they are safe and behave appropriately. One of my DD's friends refuses to come over anymore because I enforce all rules in my house. My DD is not allowed to go over there as there are no rules.... They are no longer friends. My car, my house, my rules. If I am mean, so be it. I just couldn't sleep if I knew something happened and I could have prevented it. Just my two cents.

 

[ccgirl]

Teachers would only yell at a student for being disrespectful and I don't have an issue with that. My kids would be the ones to decide to play sports and know that occasionally a coach is going to get angry with them so they know what they're getting into.

And I already said in another post that there are times when it is necessary to step in (fighting, stealing, being disrespectful, etc.) If your stepping is saving my child from direct harm then of course I would want you to do that. Prank calls don't fall in that category and most things wouldn't fall into that category.

Let me pose this question: Suppose you and I are chaperoning a field trip and we get put in charge of a group of 6. One of those 6 students is your child and one is mine. My child decides to prank call someone and you and I both hear it. I decide I don't care and I let it go. Would you correct my child?

Just want to answer this question as it has happened to me. I would never correct a child in front of their own parent. However, I would mention it to the teacher in this case as I don't feel you are actually chaperoning the children. Part of being a chaperone is to make sure the children are behaving and don't get hurt. If you are not going to do that; don't chaperone.

 

[KiminChicago]

OP, I bet you have made comments about the victim to your kid. Maybe even to the kid's friends. Sounds like the victim needs a friend, not a prank call. You have already made up your mind that he is a possible school shooting loner. Oh sad.

First of all, I'd like to say that your assumptions are dead wrong. I started out encouraging my son to be friends with this boy -- he was in our Cub Scout den and has been in our home many times. I don't really want to go into details here about why I think this kid is a budding sociopath, except to say that it involved incidents of cruelty to animals and, on another occasion, indecent exposure in front of my DD (who is two years younger). And yes, I did speak to the boy's parents, who told me that it wasn't the first time and he had been "warned" about that kind of behavior. It was enough for me to decide that the best thing to do was discourage any further interaction and try and keep my DS (and DD) out of harm's way.

I didn't say anything in the car, and I didn't bring all this up until now because I know my feelings about this boy are very negative, and I was trying to say things in as neutral a way as possible. I didn't want to add any fuel to the fire. None of DS's friends are aware of the incidents I mentioned above and I have never talked about him in front of DS's friends. As far as the calls go, I think it was a one-time thing, but it did worry me, which is why I posted here and also why I had a talk with my son. Now that I'm aware that this happened, I'll obviously be paying more attention, and if it does continue, I'll be better prepared to speak up.

 

[Magpie]

First of all, I'd like to say that your assumptions are dead wrong. I started out encouraging my son to be friends with this boy -- he was in our Cub Scout den and has been in our home many times. I don't really want to go into details here about why I think this kid is a budding sociopath, except to say that it involved incidents of cruelty to animals and, on another occasion, indecent exposure in front of my DD (who is two years younger). And yes, I did speak to the boy's parents, who told me that it wasn't the first time and he had been "warned" about that kind of behavior. It was enough for me to decide that the best thing to do was discourage any further interaction and try and keep my DS (and DD) out of harm's way.

I didn't say anything in the car, and I didn't bring all this up until now because I know my feelings about this boy are very negative, and I was trying to say things in as neutral a way as possible. I didn't want to add any fuel to the fire. None of DS's friends are aware of the incidents I mentioned above and I have never talked about him in front of DS's friends. As far as the calls go, I think it was a one-time thing, but it did worry me, which is why I posted here and also why I had a talk with my son. Now that I'm aware that this happened, I'll obviously be paying more attention, and if it does continue, I'll be better prepared to speak up.

Oh my, yes! You definitely want to make sure your son and his friends know not to tease the kid. If he's been hurting animals...

It's like teasing a pit bull. Don't be surprised when it turns around and rips someone's arm off. And the worst part is, it might not even be the guilty parties who get hurt - it could be some relatively innocent child whose "one time prank call" was the last straw.

 

[NHdisneylover]

First of all, I'd like to say that your assumptions are dead wrong. I started out encouraging my son to be friends with this boy -- he was in our Cub Scout den and has been in our home many times. I don't really want to go into details here about why I think this kid is a budding sociopath, except to say that it involved incidents of cruelty to animals and, on another occasion, indecent exposure in front of my DD (who is two years younger). And yes, I did speak to the boy's parents, who told me that it wasn't the first time and he had been "warned" about that kind of behavior. It was enough for me to decide that the best thing to do was discourage any further interaction and try and keep my DS (and DD) out of harm's way.

I didn't say anything in the car, and I didn't bring all this up until now because I know my feelings about this boy are very negative, and I was trying to say things in as neutral a way as possible. I didn't want to add any fuel to the fire. None of DS's friends are aware of the incidents I mentioned above and I have never talked about him in front of DS's friends. As far as the calls go, I think it was a one-time thing, but it did worry me, which is why I posted here and also why I had a talk with my son. Now that I'm aware that this happened, I'll obviously be paying more attention, and if it does continue, I'll be better prepared to speak up.

it sounds like some scary stuff--I hope the boy's parents are paying attention and getting this boy the help he needs.
I think you are handling things just fine. Again, I think I would have said something to the boys at the time, but I can totally understand being caught off guard and not figuring out how to respond until it is too late to respond--I have done that myself a few times.

 

[Mkrop]

First of all, I'd like to say that your assumptions are dead wrong. I started out encouraging my son to be friends with this boy -- he was in our Cub Scout den and has been in our home many times. I don't really want to go into details here about why I think this kid is a budding sociopath, except to say that it involved incidents of cruelty to animals and, on another occasion, indecent exposure in front of my DD (who is two years younger). And yes, I did speak to the boy's parents, who told me that it wasn't the first time and he had been "warned" about that kind of behavior. It was enough for me to decide that the best thing to do was discourage any further interaction and try and keep my DS (and DD) out of harm's way.

I didn't say anything in the car, and I didn't bring all this up until now because I know my feelings about this boy are very negative, and I was trying to say things in as neutral a way as possible. I didn't want to add any fuel to the fire. None of DS's friends are aware of the incidents I mentioned above and I have never talked about him in front of DS's friends. As far as the calls go, I think it was a one-time thing, but it did worry me, which is why I posted here and also why I had a talk with my son. Now that I'm aware that this happened, I'll obviously be paying more attention, and if it does continue, I'll be better prepared to speak up.

I think what you did was fine.

You know this boy, not us, maybe he is an extremely disturbed young man, maybe something happened in his life, maybe he has a mental illness. But like someone else said that is the child you want to leave be, not stir up the hornest's nest by poking him with prank calls.

Hopefully someone can teach these kids to have empathy for the boy because no one knows what is cauing him to act this way, hopefully he gets the help he needs.

 

[cm8]

I agree. And I think the OP missed a great opportunity to talk to these kids about a pertinent issue these days. My car. My rules. We are all our brothers' keeper.

,could not have said it finer!