Should ex help out with these expenses?

[mom2rtk]

^^ That would be problematic in terms of getting her to and from classes if she doesn't drive.

My next door neighbor just graduated from high school with my son. She doesn't want to go away to school, and doesn't yet drive. We're in the 'burbs, with minimal public transportation.

I have no idea how she's getting to college. I imagine her mom plans to drop her off and pick her up each day.

LOL, a couple weeks before my older son's fall semester was due to start, and after he flunked his first test, I was really nervous I might end up driving him both ways every day for a while. HUGE sigh of relief when he passed on the next attempt (after hiring a professional instructor), although those first couple weeks we sent him out on his own were so stressful for all of us.

That's my public service message I post from time to time for all involved to encourage you to get your child driving as early as possible so they can get ample practice before they HAVE to be out driving somewhere every day. That's not to say OP's daughter is ready (I certainly have no idea). But don't make the mistake we did and wait until they HAVE to start driving somewhere.

 

[roseaster]

LOl. Poor OP. We are still raking the situation over the coals. I think the OP realizes that she didn't think the whole thing through when she agreed to it, which is the whole reason for this thread. I also think that she wouldn't even consider asking the ex for money, if he had made any effort to help.

Either way, OP, I think you are stuck with the situation. He isn't under any obligation to help with gas money or transportation. It would be nice if he did, but it's obvious he won't so you live and learn. Sometimes we suck up crappy situations for our kids happiness.

I want to address a few general things about child support. Again, it varies from state to state. I'm in NJ. I am entitled to CS until my girls are 21 as long as they are full time students and their primary address is with me. No, CS is not "paying for college." CS is to maintain a household for the child. That means, food, clothing, utilities, a roof over their head, etc.

I have only ever seen transportation addressed in CS if it is a matter of the parents living very far apart. Like requiring airplane travel.

Some people, who were married and divorced have provisions in their divorce agreement to pay for extras like education, college, medical expenses. They are over and above CS. The only extra I have seen added into CS here is if you have a young child that requires child care while the custodial parent works.

In NJ CS is calculated using a formula based on income, number of children, and custody. Custody is determined by the number of overnight visits spent with a parent. For instance, I receive the maximum amount based on my girls' fathers' income because he does not see them at all.

Also in terms of having the child ask the other parent for money. With the 18 year old, who is an adult that would be one thing, but if money were a bone of contention between the parents I would never involve a minor child in any type of financial discussion. I do realize that in some situations there isn't a problem and that it would be pretty natural for a kid to tell mom or dad they needed X amount for camp. In the OP's situation, though, it seems that money is an issue between them and I wouldn't put my child in the situation where she might be caught in the middle.

 

[descovy]

I think an employed 18 year old young adult should be able to cover their own transportation costs. At a minimum, gas.

If she drove, wouldn't it be expected she pay for gas? It's the cost to getting to your paid job. I know I have to pay gas to get to my paid job.

So she doesn't drive. She can still pay for gas can't she?

 

[mom2rtk]

I think an employed 18 year old young adult should be able to cover their own transportation costs. At a minimum, gas.

If she drove, wouldn't it be expected she pay for gas? It's the cost to getting to your paid job. I know I have to pay gas to get to my paid job.

So she doesn't drive. She can still pay for gas can't she?

I believe the OP has already said she's going to ask the 18 year old to pay for gas.

 

[kamik86]

I want to address a few general things about child support. Again, it varies from state to state. I'm in NJ. I am entitled to CS until my girls are 21 as long as they are full time students and their primary address is with me. No, CS is not "paying for college." CS is to maintain a household for the child. That means, food, clothing, utilities, a roof over their head, etc.

From a non-emotional I have no bones in this fight but am always curious about the logic prospective: If an 18 year old is going away to college part of the tuition is room and board. Which is the food/utilities/roof parts of that. So actually the majority of the child support then would be going for the college bill would it not?


The other one I always found amusing is those that are divorced and paying for college is mandating in the divorce agreements. If a students parents are married they are under no obligation to pay for college at all. However because the parents divorced the parents may now be forced to contribute whether this hypothetical child was making any real progress towards a meaningful degree at all.

 

[MariMama]

I know you are tired of "suggestions" but the only thing I can think of is that since your daughter has earned "full tuition" (congratulations!) she does not have to go away to college. She could live at home and commute. Of course, this is is dependent on a college being nearby!

Not if she doesn't drive.

 

[roseaster]

From a non-emotional I have no bones in this fight but am always curious about the logic prospective: If an 18 year old is going away to college part of the tuition is room and board. Which is the food/utilities/roof parts of that. So actually the majority of the child support then would be going for the college bill would it not?

Yes. I would think that it would. It will be in my case. I have 1 going away in the fall. I am also in a situation where my CS is very generous.

I also have 1 that will be living at home and commuting. In her case we will be paying for tuition and maintaining her in the household.

Both girls work part time to cover their personal wants.

I was just saying that technically, CS isn't to pay for college. That it is an expense that is over and above child support. I know people who receive CS and their ex also pays for or pays a percentage for college. Since I wasn't married to their father and there is no divorce agreement, this isn't an option for me, but for some, depending on the state, it is.

 

[kamik86]

Yes. I would think that it would. It will be in my case. I have 1 going away in the fall. I am also in a situation where my CS is very generous.

I also have 1 that will be living at home and commuting. In her case we will be paying for tuition and maintaining her in the household.

Both girls work part time to cover their personal wants.

I was just saying that technically, CS isn't to pay for college. That it is an expense that is over and above child support. I know people who receive CS and their ex also pays for or pays a percentage for college. Since I wasn't married to their father and there is no divorce agreement, this isn't an option for me, but for some, depending on the state, it is.

Ok that makes sense. Having the non-custodial pay extra to help with tuition makes sense, but the idea that none of that child support money would go to college just seemed strange. Although in the case of multiple kids I could see where it would be stretched thin since its cheaper per person to maintain a house for 4 then one for 3.

It always interesting to me to see what different areas consider fair given that in all honesty no one in the relationship will really live the same life style as before a seperation unless someone was spending an undue share of the money to start with (I do know someone that divorced, got no child support, and still ended up better financially because the ex was no longer there to drink away all the money)

 

[Mickeyluver37]

From a non-emotional I have no bones in this fight but am always curious about the logic prospective: If an 18 year old is going away to college part of the tuition is room and board. Which is the food/utilities/roof parts of that. So actually the majority of the child support then would be going for the college bill would it not?


The other one I always found amusing is those that are divorced and paying for college is mandating in the divorce agreements. If a students parents are married they are under no obligation to pay for college at all. However because the parents divorced the parents may now be forced to contribute whether this hypothetical child was making any real progress towards a meaningful degree at all.

Yeah, i'm thinking the same. Not to harp on the OP, but more of a general curiousness about this type of situation. Child support pays for child that does not live at home 9 months out of the year. It can be argued that a dorm is somewhat of a luxury, but the child support could at least go toward the meal plan, IMO.

I have a friend going through a lot of this right now, and the kids are no where near college age. You really can put whatever you want in the language as far as how long and what exactly is expected for both parents to put for college- both parties just have to agree to it. In my friends situation, there was no $$$ cap put to it, so it will be interesting to see what happens when they both have to pay for their "half." I also have a young co-worker whose parents divorce agreement was that everyone had to pay 1/3- the mom, the dad, and the student.

 

[roseaster]

Yeah, i'm thinking the same. Not to harp on the OP, but more of a general curiousness about this type of situation. Child support pays for child that does not live at home 9 months out of the year. It can be argued that a dorm is somewhat of a luxury, but the child support could at least go toward the meal plan, IMO.

I have a friend going through a lot of this right now, and the kids are no where near college age. You really can put whatever you want in the language as far as how long and what exactly is expected for both parents to put for college- both parties just have to agree to it. In my friends situation, there was no $$$ cap put to it, so it will be interesting to see what happens when they both have to pay for their "half." I also have a young co-worker whose parents divorce agreement was that everyone had to pay 1/3- the mom, the dad, and the student.

I'm not sure if I am wording it clearly, but, realistically, yes, CS money absolutely goes towards paying college expenses. For example, if I am receiving $500 a month in CS and my child goes away to college, reasonable assumption is that I am using that $500 to pay for expenses related to college. I may also (well at $500 I AM LOL) be paying over and above that $500 towards college expenses.

So in the OP's case, she is receiving CS. Her daughter is receiving a scholarship that covers her actual tuition. It can, pretty much, be assumed that the OP is using her CS money to offset the cost of room and board and books for the months during the year that her daughter is away at college. During the summer her CS money is maintaining the daughter in her household. It just isn't spelled out, specifically, that that is how it is to be used, but realistically, that is how it works.

Now, again, if people have been divorced sometimes it is ordered that the parents are to split college expenses in whatever percentages, or that one parent is to pay the entire expense, or that neither parent is responsible. This would be money given over and above the child support that is being paid.

For instance, my friend's husband pays his ex wife child support and alimony. He is also required to pay for the children's education. That is something he pays in addition to CS and alimony.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Just wondering if there is any specific reason why you won't answer my question...

I can't speak for the OP, but my take is:

the original question was a good one and a great way to think about the issue and gain some perspective on how this issue could be most fairly treated. It might have easily been lost among the many questions and suggestions OP was getting at that point though--and honestly seemed more like a rhetorical one meant to give some perspective and not one looking for a real answer to me---so perhaps OP missed it, or simply did not think you wanted an answer, or did not feel a need to answer you.

after that though, the bouncy ball smiley added to you quoting yourself seemed a bit, well, rude quite frankly and the popcorn eating gif with the quotes seemed more than a bit rude and is really the only post in this whole thread that I would deam as uncalled for and meant to attack OP--I can't fault her at all for not wanting to respond to that.

 

[Luvstotravel]

Just wondering if there is any specific reason why you won't answer my question...

Maybe she's ignoring you.

 

[kirstenb1]

I have an 18 yr old, and I'm 50. Times have changed, at least where we live with kids driving. Back in the day, everyone got their license as soon as possible. I chalk a lot of this up to boredom. Back then, you could watch TV and listen to cassette tapes at home. All other entertainment, you had to drive, or get your parents to drive you. Now you have Xbox, etc, Netflix, online shopping. There just isn't the incentive that we had to drive. I think that's mostly a good thing. I know a fair number of kids who don't have their license. They're smart enough to know they aren't ready yet. I'd rather be on the road with people who drive when they're ready.

Our dd got her learner's at 16. We had 45 hrs of parent/child driving to complete. Think about it: if you spend one hour a weekend practice driving, that's almost a year. Then it took us a while to line up behind the wheel (not done at school anymore, and they fill up fast in the summer). So dd started driving on her own at 17. She has anxiety, and even then, at first, she didn't drive a whole lot. Now she's a very confident, skilled driver. OP, like I said, I know a lot of kids who don't drive, and I think they have good reasons why, so I don't judge. I hope you guys enjoy the rest of your summer, even with you having to transport them.

 

[Allison]

Just wondering if there is any specific reason why you won't answer my question...

Didn't you just chastise the "usual suspects" a few days ago about piling on and piling on?

 

[Minnie_me]

Just wondering if there is any specific reason why you won't answer my question...

Because I don't know the answer. I spent so much time answering so many questions over and over throughout this thread. Yours seemed to be nothing but rhetoric, with a condescending tone and attitude. So I ignored it as long as I could. You seem hell-bent on bringing it up over and over again, so here it is:

I really don't know. Those situations (car pool, public transportation) weren't my reality, so I can't really say how I would have dealt with them.

There ya go! Happy?

 

[gwynne]

I have an 18 yr old, and I'm 50. Times have changed, at least where we live with kids driving. Back in the day, everyone got their license as soon as possible. I chalk a lot of this up to boredom. Back then, you could watch TV and listen to cassette tapes at home. All other entertainment, you had to drive, or get your parents to drive you. Now you have Xbox, etc, Netflix, online shopping. There just isn't the incentive that we had to drive. I think that's mostly a good thing. I know a fair number of kids who don't have their license. They're smart enough to know they aren't ready yet. I'd rather be on the road with people who drive when they're ready.

Our dd got her learner's at 16. We had 45 hrs of parent/child driving to complete. Think about it: if you spend one hour a weekend practice driving, that's almost a year. Then it took us a while to line up behind the wheel (not done at school anymore, and they fill up fast in the summer). So dd started driving on her own at 17. She has anxiety, and even then, at first, she didn't drive a whole lot. Now she's a very confident, skilled driver. OP, like I said, I know a lot of kids who don't drive, and I think they have good reasons why, so I don't judge. I hope you guys enjoy the rest of your summer, even with you having to transport them.

Kids get a license when they do. I'm 56 and my kids are in their 30's. Mine got theirs when they were 16. It's no big deal to me when kids get their license.
I will say that I don't think they are more "ready" when they are older. They are still highly inexperienced drivers until they have a couple of years of regular, frequent driving.
To me, the most important thing is lots of supervised driving experience.

 

[kirstenb1]

Kids get a license when they do. I'm 56 and my kids are in their 30's. Mine got theirs when they were 16. It's no big deal to me when kids get their license.
I will say that I don't think they are more "ready" when they are older. They are still highly inexperienced drivers until they have a couple of years of regular, frequent driving.
To me, the most important thing is lots of supervised driving experience.

I actually think for the average kid, there's a sweet spot to the age of driving. Lots of practice and stay on them. I do see older kids who are kind of stuck in a no driving rut. But for kids with anxiety, motor planning issues, etc, they need extra time, and the more the better.

 

[TAX GUY]

I can't speak for the OP, but my take is:

the original question was a good one and a great way to think about the issue and gain some perspective on how this issue could be most fairly treated. It might have easily been lost among the many questions and suggestions OP was getting at that point though--and honestly seemed more like a rhetorical one meant to give some perspective and not one looking for a real answer to me---so perhaps OP missed it, or simply did not think you wanted an answer, or did not feel a need to answer you.

after that though, the bouncy ball smiley added to you quoting yourself seemed a bit, well, rude quite frankly and the popcorn eating gif with the quotes seemed more than a bit rude and is really the only post in this whole thread that I would deam as uncalled for and meant to attack OP--I can't fault her at all for not wanting to respond to that.

Maybe she's ignoring you.

Didn't you just chastise the "usual suspects" a few days ago about piling on and piling on?

Because I don't know the answer. I spent so much time answering so many questions over and over throughout this thread. Yours seemed to be nothing but rhetoric, with a condescending tone and attitude. So I ignored it as long as I could. You seem hell-bent on bringing it up over and over again, so here it is:

I really don't know. Those situations (car pool, public transportation) weren't my reality, so I can't really say how I would have dealt with them.

There ya go! Happy?

My apologies as it was not my intent to come across as anything as mentioned. It was an honest question. I quoted myself with a bouncy ball then popcorn eating only to relate that I was still waiting for a reply (thinking it was lost in the mix of all the other posts). I was not trying to pile on (as mentioned, I hate that!!).

As to my question, had the answer been, yes, he would help pay for a bus pass or cab fare or help with car pooling, then I would equate this as to something similar. Had the answer been, probably not, then I would probably think that would be his reply if asked to help with your gas costs.

Again, sorry of it came across as anything else. I didn't intend to project attitude or tone, although I'm not sure how I did with those posts, but apparently I did (since a few posters felt the same).

 

[bsblady01]

you're daughter should be giving you gas money out of her paycheck. Does she at least have her permit at her age she should be driving herself to work.

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]