severe difficulty/ preschool seperation

[krismom]

I'm at a loss here... my son is 4 and is having a really hard time adjusting to Pre-k. He screams, cries and tries to escape from the classroom. I'm usually the one who tells the child "I will be back soon" and just leaves.... but the teacher keeps calling me back to the school to calm him down! Granted, one day last week he threw up he was so worked up.... so that day I understood. She now suggests I stay in the back of the room until he's acclimated. I'ts not that I mind staying (although it's a bit much after an hour and a half!)- but I feel like we are pulling off the bandaid slooooooowwwwwwwlllyyy instead of ripping it right off, you know? He goes M/W/F for 3 hours each- and now on his "days off" he cries all day because he knows the next day is a school day.
Any advice from other Mom's of leg grabbers?
Thanks-

 

[mickeyboat]

I cannot imagine how upsetting this must be for you. I have to say the teacher probably knows best what to do in this situation, because I am sure she has seen it before. I thought they would generally tell you to just leave, and he will be fine. But this seems like a much more extreme case.

Here are a few things to try:

How about making a plan / reward chart for moving slowly away from the classroom? The first few days you stay in the back of the classroom for x amount of time, then slowly reduce the amount of time you stay there. For every day he lets you leave without the leg pulling, he gets a reward, or a sticker, and after a certain number of sitckers, he gets a prize.

Another idea would be to let someone else drop him off at school. I wonder if the separation anxiety would be lessened if it wasn't Mom dropping him off. Maybe the principal could meet you in the parking lot and walk your child to the classroom. I am just throwing stuff out there for you to consider to break the cycle/habit of crying in the classroom.

How about working with the teacher to develop some sort of plan to entertain or distract him when he arrives in the classroom - something fun and new that he will look forward to seeing or doing when he arrives. How about donating a monarch caterpillar and cage to the classroom that he can feed every morning and check the progress of when he gets there.

Sorry to have rambled. I hope things get better for you and your son soon.

Denae

 

[Aidensmom]

My son is also one that has a hard time separating. I have never been asked to return to the school, however, and as a matter of fact have been discouraged from sticking around even for a few minutes. From my experience, most teachers want the separation to be very fast, and for the parent to try to stay as unemotional about it as possible.

My son is in kindergarten, and still has this type of issue. He is the only one in his class that still wants a parent to walk him in everyday. The first few weeks of K he cried and grabbed my leg and tried to follow me....the teacher was very helpful and would come grab his hand and lead him away. 1-1/2 months into the school year, he still has a hard time when I am leaving, but I have him on a reward system where he gets a sticker on the calendar each day he does not cry, grab onto me, or try to follow me out the door, and after so many stickers he gets a small prize. The teacher no longer has to intervene, I just have to say "Sticker" to redirect him.

 

[heidijot]

How about some advice from a Pre-K Teacher???

I have seen this many times and the solution that has always semmed to work the best is this......tell your child I will give you one hug and one kiss and then you are leaving and will be there at pick up time.

The longer you linger the harder it will be to leave. The child develops the sense that he/she cries more, the parent will stay longer which is exactly what they want to happen.

I do suggest that you talk to the teacher at a time when the child is not present and find out about the day and how the adjustment is going. I presume that you know the teacher and have heard good things about the program. Ask if any other child is bothering yours or if there are any other issues besides seperation. Usually in my classroom the child will calm in 5-10 minutes. I have had a "thrower" but he did stop and now is a happy first grader.

It will get better if everyone stays strong. I realize that it is heart breaking to leave your child in an unhappy state. But if you need to leave your child in pre-k, either for the social skills, or if you need to work, then stick with it and it will get better.

Here is a hug to help


Heidi

 

[Beth76]

Oh, I'm so sorry, that must be so hard on both of you. I agree with you that you should not be hanging around. I'm sorry, but I disagree with your school. I've worked in childcare before and it's our job to deal with the separation issues not the parents.

Have you talked about school and why he doesn't like it? Have you told him "You're going to school tomorrow and you'll do this, this and this and then I will pick you up after this."? You may want to talk to the director and see if she has any ideas other than you sticking around. That's absolutely the worst thing you can do.

 

[FreshTressa]

How about some advice from a Pre-K Teacher???

I have seen this many times and the solution that has always semmed to work the best is this......tell your child I will give you one hug and one kiss and then you are leaving and will be there at pick up time.

The longer you linger the harder it will be to leave. The child develops the sense that he/she cries more, the parent will stay longer which is exactly what they want to happen.

I do suggest that you talk to the teacher at a time when the child is not present and find out about the day and how the adjustment is going. I presume that you know the teacher and have heard good things about the program. Ask if any other child is bothering yours or if there are any other issues besides seperation. Usually in my classroom the child will calm in 5-10 minutes. I have had a "thrower" but he did stop and now is a happy first grader.

It will get better if everyone stays strong. I realize that it is heart breaking to leave your child in an unhappy state. But if you need to leave your child in pre-k, either for the social skills, or if you need to work, then stick with it and it will get better.

Here is a hug to help


Heidi

I used to work in a daycare, and most of the time, this type of attitude from the kids was inadvertently being caused by the parents. The parents were reluctant to leave the kids and the kids could sense it and got scared. The more sympathetic and sorry for the kid that the parent felt, the worse the kids anxiety.

The moms who were happy, cheerful, gave one kiss, one hug like Heidi said and then acted as if it was no big deal seemed to do the best.

 

[FreshTressa]

Oh, I'm so sorry, that must be so hard on both of you. I agree with you that you should not be hanging around. I'm sorry, but I disagree with your school. I've worked in childcare before and it's our job to deal with the separation issues not the parents.

Have you talked about school and why he doesn't like it? Have you told him "You're going to school tomorrow and you'll do this, this and this and then I will pick you up after this."? You may want to talk to the director and see if she has any ideas other than you sticking around. That's absolutely the worst thing you can do.

Yes, sticking around just says to them that there is a reason for mommy to stick around. Even mommy thinks she should be here. It affirms his belief that it is not a safe place.

 

[hydster]

Mom! I feel for you!!!!

Is this the first time he's been to a preschool or away from you for any amount of time? My kids never had an issue with going to preschool but I think a lot of that was due to the fact that they were with my parents or my inlaws for a week or so every 3 or 4 months and had to learn to adjust without us *me specifically* for a period of time.

Another thing that come to mind is maybe he really just doesn't "click" with the teacher and hates being with her as different personalities can come into play.

Does your child know any kids that attend with him? Could you schedule a play date with a child so he could have a friend to meet up with at school? I know my kids transitioned a LOT easier when they had a friend that they knew rather than going it alone.

Does he start Kindergarten next fall?? If not maybe hold him out another year. He may just not be mentally ready for this step in his life yet. Can you sign him up for only 2 days a week?

Maybe make him a treat chart or something that will help him get through the week. For instance for every day he goes to preschool and stays he gets a reward of whatever floats his boat. Sometimes it does take time for them to adjust to such a huge step of going away from mom and going to "school".

I don't have any other real advice but I know from teaching K they do eventually adapt but it can be really heartwrenching until they do.

I hope you can figure out something because it is so hard to watch them cry. Hugs to both of you. Sometimes being a mom really sucks!

 

[CEDmom]

Have you asked your DS what it is about school that's upsetting him? He should be able to give you some idea. Kids do hit periods where attachment is a real issue and that might just be what your DS is going through.

I have to say my DD went through a rough adjustment in pre-school and it was just moving into a new class. She had been going there since she was about 18mo. I had to hand her off to her teacher and she would scream while I left the building. I knew she settled down and was fine after I left because the Director called to tell me but it was still rough.

Are there any children that he enjoys playing with? If so, you could arrange a playdate. Looking forward to seeing a friend might be incentive enough to want to go.

You might even try blatant bribery. Set up a sticker chart and for every day he goes and lets you leave he gets a sticker. So many stickers equals a treat. Start small, maybe even give a treat each time. Stock up on stuff he likes at a dollar store.

I know how rough this is on all of you. I hope things settle down soon.

 

[XYSRUS]

When I work at preschool, I am amazed how well the teachers deflate the escalating wailing from a child. The teacher, imo, should not be calling you back. Say goodbye to your child, give them a hug and a kiss, tell them you'll be back to pick them up, then leave. The teacher should be able to divert the kid's attention to something else( ususally within 5-10 mins) Granted this may take some time and attention, but soon the child will be confident in their self to let you go away. FWIW, my 3yo cried everyday at camp...and when anyone asked him what he did at camp he'd say...cry for my mommy. Come Sept. and school, he leaves the car and doesn't look back...ever. Good luck to you and your little one.

 

[padams]

Does your child have difficulty separating from you in other situations (being left with a sitter, going to the grandparents house, etc.)?

If it's only school, give him a big hug and kiss, and cheerfully say "see you in 3 hours". Also, if it's only school, try having some playdates with his classmates. If he develops friendships with some of the other kids, he may be more inclined to hurry off to join them in play rather than having a meltdown.

 

[krismom]

you guys are the best... really- the responses from you were so much more "problem solving" than on the Parent Soup board.... I appreciate the input-

- He has never attended school or camp or daycare before
- He has no trouble staying overnight at Grammy and Papa's house
- When asked why he doesn't like school he say, "I just hate it. It's dumb."
- He is starting Kindergarten in the fall, so this is necessary for preparation/ socialization.
- If I hold him back a year then he will pretty old for kindergarten (he's 4 now and a May b'day)

I will try the sticker plan... I told him he will have a "seat treat" (something in his car seat) if he stays nicely. The teacher is kind and there are 15 other kids, one teacher's aide and a volunteer- he hasn't complained about any of the kids, and he's used to battles (he's one of 4!)
I love the idea of having something to do when he gets there.... I remember having my daughter bring in carrots for the gunea pig- thanks again- I'll keep you posted...

 

[TigerBear]

If it is separation anxiety, it may be helpful to have someone else drop him off at school (Dad, grandparent, etc.).

Also, check out a book called "The Kissing Hand". It is adorable and I have used it with success.

http://www.amazon.com/-Kissing-Hand...=pd_bbs_1/002-7327736-9350443?ie=UTF8&s=books

Good luck!

 

[hydster]

If it is separation anxiety, it may be helpful to have someone else drop him off at school (Dad, grandparent, etc.).

Also, check out a book called "The Kissing Hand". It is adorable and I have used it with success.

http://www.amazon.com/-Kissing-Hand...=pd_bbs_1/002-7327736-9350443?ie=UTF8&s=books

Good luck!

OMG I totally forgot about this book! It is a great book!

 

[FreshTressa]

DS carried a little wallet with photos in it for security and a little boy at the daycare where I worked had a special bracelet his mom put on him for 'protection' while he was at school.

I also like the idea of having a friend over. That would help him look forward more to going to school.

 

[Wish I lived in Fl]

Some kids have a harder time. For my friend it was her second child. First had no problems so it was definitely not the Mom. Her daughter would stress out so much at being babysat that she would vomit. Everytime. She is fine now though.

May boys are being held back by parents where I live. Not that i am suggesting that though.

What could make school so special for him that he would want to go just for that special school privilege? Then i would donate it to the classroom w/o him knowing who it came from. Some Leap pads or computer games, playground toys, treasure hunts whatever it took.