Serious question for married women who are moms

[NY Disney fan]

If you are a married woman as well as a mom, can you equally balance being a mom and a wife? Do you prefer just being a mom instead? The reason I am asking this question is because when I was married (I'm divorced) I liked being a mom better and didn't know if that is abnormal. How do women balance both?

 

[happygirl]

If you are a married woman as well as a mom, can you equally balance being a mom and a wife? Do you prefer just being a mom instead? The reason I am asking this question is because when I was married (I'm divorced) I liked being a mom better and didn't know if that is abnormal. How do women balance both?

I really don't see it like that. For me there is no balance. They both get 100%

 

[goofinoff]

I think it takes a lot of work to be good at both. But I do love being a wife and a mom. They are very different roles and only you can decide if they are both important or not. I think that if you want your marriage to work out you have to make time for each other. I look at it this way....it was just my husband and me before our kids were born and it's just going to be my husband and me when the kids are grown and out of the house. I don't want to grow so far apart that one day we look at each other and think "Who the heck are you?" I've seen it happen and it's very sad.

My husband and I try to have a date at least once a month together. But we also make time to do things on our own. And sometimes we just give the kids dinner first and enjoy dinner alone. I think sometimes it's the little things you do to make it work.

I love my kids to death but I love my husband differently.

 

[Minnesota!]

I really don't see it like that. For me there is no balance. They both get 100%

I have to agree. It's not "a job" to be a wife and mom. It's just who I am..for better or worse on both fronts. I am the mom I am and I am the wife I am.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

I really don't see it like that. For me there is no balance. They both get 100%

Agree with this. First and foremost, I will always be my husband's wife. This does not mean that I am any less of a mother, though. I work hard to be a good wife for my husband and he works hard to be a good husband to me. We both believe that having that relationship and showing it to our daughter is crucial to her development. She will see how my husband, her father, treats me and understand that that is how a man should treat her. She will see me being respectful and loving to my husband and understand that that is how she should be towards her future husband. I cannot see myself being the best mother possibly unless I am also a good wife. And part of being a good wife is being a loving,nurturing mother to our child.

 

[goofinoff]

Agree with this. First and foremost, I will always be my husband's wife. This does not mean that I am any less of a mother, though. I work hard to be a good wife for my husband and he works hard to be a good husband to me. We both believe that having that relationship and showing it to our daughter is crucial to her development. She will see how my husband, her father, treats me and understand that that is how a man should treat her. She will see me being respectful and loving to my husband and understand that that is how she should be towards her future husband. I cannot see myself being the best mother possibly unless I am also a good wife. And part of being a good wife is being a loving,nurturing mother to our child.

So true and so important. We have a friend who is divorced and his ex-wife is rotten to him so in turn his daughter is completely disrespectful. She thinks it's ok to speak to him inappropriately because she hears it from her mother. She's 11 and very impressionable. So I think it's very important to let your kids see you in a loving relationship.

 

[Acklander]

They are 2 completely different things, with different goals. My relationship with dh is intended to make the glue stronger and my relationship with my kids is intended to make the glue looser. Kids are temporary. I'm entrusted with them for a short time, to prepare them for a life on their own where they will raise there own family. Dh is my partner for the duration. While I'm training my kids to pull away from me a little more each year, dh and I are standing strong together and pulling closer.

 

[SaraJayne]

If you are a married woman as well as a mom, can you equally balance being a mom and a wife? Do you prefer just being a mom instead? The reason I am asking this question is because when I was married (I'm divorced) I liked being a mom better and didn't know if that is abnormal. How do women balance both?

I was a wife first and will continue to be a wife after the majority of my "mom" duties are over.

I balance both quite well, with the help and support of my husband. As a child of divorce myself, having a good marriage role model to show my kids is important to me.

I don't want to be that couple that when their children are grown looks at each other and says "who are you again?".

We both work hard to make sure that doesn't happen.

 

[joviroxx]

I realize this is the DIS and so many of us are perfect and everything is peachy, but I have found that truthfully, in order to be a good wife and mom, it takes work. How you look at it is the difference. If it seems like chore , you will have problems.

Relationships take work and you , many times, have to make the time. You both get caught up with the kids and its easy to neglect each other. You have to WANT to do the work because , I can tell you, sometimes you just don't feel like it. And this is for both being a mother AND being a wife.

One thing I have learned is that I am NOT superwoman. I am not perfect. Once I let go of the feeling of needing to be supermom and wife or else I was a failure, it became easier.

 

[NMAmy]

I'm remarried. Being a wife and being a mom are pretty separate identities for me. Now that dd's grown and out of the house, I'm particularly grateful that DH and I have such a good relationship. I'm not pining that my mommy days are over but just enjoying that I got my kid raised to be a mostly self-sufficient adult (she's a senior in college this year). I've seen some mothers that made their children their entire life and then their children feel guilty about leaving Mom behind to live on their own. I don't want to be that mom that's holding my kid back because of my own issues.

 

[disneychic2]

Agree with this. First and foremost, I will always be my husband's wife. This does not mean that I am any less of a mother, though. I work hard to be a good wife for my husband and he works hard to be a good husband to me. We both believe that having that relationship and showing it to our daughter is crucial to her development. She will see how my husband, her father, treats me and understand that that is how a man should treat her. She will see me being respectful and loving to my husband and understand that that is how she should be towards her future husband. I cannot see myself being the best mother possibly unless I am also a good wife. And part of being a good wife is being a loving,nurturing mother to our child.

Very well said!

 

[ilovejack02]

They are 2 completely different things, with different goals. My relationship with dh is intended to make the glue stronger and my relationship with my kids is intended to make the glue looser. Kids are temporary. I'm entrusted with them for a short time, to prepare them for a life on their own where they will raise there own family. Dh is my partner for the duration. While I'm training my kids to pull away from me a little more each year, dh and I are standing strong together and pulling closer.

Where is the like button for this post?

 

[princesspiglet]

I agree with above. I love being a wife and a mom, but it is tough work doing both, especially when you work full-time. It's not all sunshine and roses. I fight with my husband and I fight with my daughter and sometimes we all scream at each other! Sometimes after I get home from work all I want to do is crawl into bed with a good book and maybe a little snooze, but there is dinner to be made, dishes to be cleaned, homework and bath time, etc, plus I have to make time for my husband..it all gets to be a little much for me at times.

I only have one child because I know that is what I can sanely handle. I don't know how moms of multiples do it.

 

[Tiger926]

I realize this is the DIS and so many of us are perfect and everything is peachy, but I have found that truthfully, in order to be a good wife and mom, it takes work. How you look at it is the difference. If it seems like chore , you will have problems.

Relationships take work and you , many times, have to make the time. You both get caught up with the kids and its easy to neglect each other. You have to WANT to do the work because , I can tell you, sometimes you just don't feel like it. And this is for both being a mother AND being a wife.

One thing I have learned is that I am NOT superwoman. I am not perfect. Once I let go of the feeling of needing to be supermom and wife or else I was a failure, it became easier.

Thread after thread about perfect marriages, as well as perfectly balancing both marriage and children, just is not realistic for many.

I am a supreme planner, organizer and time manager, but have learned since I wear three full time hats (wife, mother and teacher), that it is impossible to give 100% to all three. One may require 100%, and the others have to suffer, or maybe two of them equally require 50/50. It depends on many factors, and I honestly don't believe those who say they can equally give 100% to all of it, as that is not possible for me with only 24 hours in a day, small children to tend to, a position of responsibility in my career, husband, house, etc.

I think it's normal to feel that you are better at one, or like one better than the other, depending upon what is happening around you.

I think each woman is different, so she has to know in her heart what feels best for her. Not everyone should be married, not every woman should have children, and some women function best working outside of the home, and that is all ok.

I think it takes a strong woman to know her limits, and to realize that for most of us, life will not be this idealized version of perfection that some on here lead us to believe. By the very virtue that there are only 24 hours in a day, and a million things pulling at those 24 hours, I do my very best most of the time. Sometimes I am tired, and my husband is ignored, sometimes I have a headache, and I'm crabby with the kids, and sometimes I am exhausted from dealing with crises at school, so I put my head on my desk.

This is my busy life...some of it is fulfilling, some of it I hate, some of it I love, but most of it is me juggling a million different hats on a daily basis, and none of that is perfect.

Tiger

 

[Colleen27]

It comes and goes. Sometimes the kids are in a particularly demanding stage or just plain have so much going on that I'm too tired to be a good wife, just like sometimes DH has such long days at work that he's too tired to be much of a husband in the evenings. As long as neither of us allows those days to become the rule rather than the exception, I think we're doing okay.

We're fortunate to have a great deal of wonderful family nearby and willing/able to babysit, so we make a point of taking time for ourselves whether we feel like it or not because we both know that we might not feel like getting the kids ready and hauling them over to Nana's, but after dinner and a movie and an entire evening without bedtime stories, nightmares, or potty breaks, we'll be glad we did.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I love both roles and do not value one over the other--though, as a previous poster mentioned, the role of mother is mostly temporary (I will ALWAYS be their mom and love my children, but they need me less and less for basic needs and will eventually not NEED me at all--just, hopefully, want to visit some times).

Over the years, there have been times when one child or the other or even both has needed more of my time and attention. Then again, there have been times when my husband has needed me and the kids might have wanted me, but not needed me and more of my attention went towards being a wife. And even times when I needed to take care of myself more than anything. I think it balances out over the long run, and everything works out.

I love my husband and I would never put my kids' wants ahead of his needs, or vice versus and same with my own wants/needs. And when we get down to just wants, well I try to make sure we ALL get some of our wants put first and all sacrifice some times to make things happen for others--that is what being a family and a team is all about.

 

[Diet Dr Chill]

I simply decided on having one child. I think that took care of the bulk of conflict right there. I just saw how stressed out many parents of two or more children were and decided that wasn't for me or my marriage.

 

[ols386]

It comes and goes. Sometimes the kids are in a particularly demanding stage or just plain have so much going on that I'm too tired to be a good wife, just like sometimes DH has such long days at work that he's too tired to be much of a husband in the evenings. As long as neither of us allows those days to become the rule rather than the exception, I think we're doing okay.

We're fortunate to have a great deal of wonderful family nearby and willing/able to babysit, so we make a point of taking time for ourselves whether we feel like it or not because we both know that we might not feel like getting the kids ready and hauling them over to Nana's, but after dinner and a movie and an entire evening without bedtime stories, nightmares, or potty breaks, we'll be glad we did.

Well said.

 

[BensDaddy]

My wife is a great mom! Nuff said.

 

[SpecialK]

If you are a married woman as well as a mom, can you equally balance being a mom and a wife? Do you prefer just being a mom instead? The reason I am asking this question is because when I was married (I'm divorced) I liked being a mom better and didn't know if that is abnormal. How do women balance both?

You may have liked being a mom more because you were unhappy in your marriage before you actually " knew" it.

It's day to day for me. Sometimes I like one more than the other; sometimes I'd just like to run away from both. You're normal. Don't let all the perfection here make you feel bad aboutyourself.