Serious question for cancer survivors......

[Pam]

I need your honest opinions about what you wish friends, family, and acquaintances would say to you while you are battling cancer.

I have a dear coworker who was recently diagnosed (just a few short weeks ago) with very agressive breast cancer, which has spread to other parts. She left work to focus on her treatment. For the first two weeks she didn't want to to talk to anyone (very understandable!) or see anyone. In the past week, she called and I ran into her at the store.

I am very scared that I will say or do the wrong thing. I have been playing it by ear, trying to take her cue on how much she wants to talk about the cancer and her upcoming chemo and surgery. Most of you know that I love to joke and goof around, I've been throwing some of my humor at her (not about the cancer!)

What can I do or say? I am a very emotional person who cries at the drop of a hat - I don't want to do this in front of her. She needs all the positive reinforcement she can get. Please help me to help her.

Thank-you very much,
Pam

 

[luv2nascar]

I'm sorry that I don't have personal experience I can draw on for you but I think treating her as your normally do would be great
If you normally joke and kid with her I'm sure she would appreciate it now
I'm sure how ever you support her it will be appreciated
prayers and good luck to you and your friend

 

[J&D]

I haven't had cancer myself, but last year I helped take care of my grandmother for the 5 months she faught a losing battle against cancer.

What can I do or say?

I think the best thing you can do for her is just be there for her.
Treat her as you would normally treat her.
If she wants to talk about the cancer, then just be there to listen. It was hard not to cry, but I would always find the strength not to cry in front of her. You will gain strength from her strength.

PM me if you ever want to talk. My grandmother's death from cancer was actually a very peacful process. We were very lucky for that.

Sending prayers that your friend will be healed.

 

[MerryPoppins]

I didn't want people to look at me like they thought they may never see me again. It took a lot of energy for me to try to give them confidence that I was going to be okay. Having said that, if I cried I didn't mind if a friend cried with me. More than anything I wanted people to tell me that they thought I could beat it. I wanted to hear success stories of people who had survived.

I'd follow her lead. Maybe you could tell her that you don't want to step on her toes, but you'll be there if she needs to talk or if she needs a shoulder to lean on. Several of my DIS friends helped me by sharing experiences and prayer.

Offer your help with meals, etc if she ever needs it during treatment. I know that was a lifesaver for me after my surgery. But don't push. See what she seems receptive to. Everyone's reaction to cancer is very different and personal.

I was given a teddy bear to take with me to the doctor and to the hospital. I know that may sound childish, but my pink ribbon bear helped me get through some rough days. I didn't have to be strong with a bear! LOL! She still sits on my bedside table.

I have a friend right now dealing with an aggressive breast cancer. She is VERY private about it. I've never known the stage or what her chances are. Still, I've been able to be part of her support team through her chemo and radiation. She lets me know what she wants me to know, and I cheer her on. She is striving for a good quality of life, and says if her life is cut short she has no regrets. It's been a good life.

Feel free to PM me. I'll be glad to add your friend to my prayers.

 

[Mamu]

Do not walk on eggs. Ask them if they would like to talk about it.

Having had a daughter with cancer, I can tell you. You feel you are burdening a person when you want to talk.


About 3 years ago a friend of mine's friend was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember her telling me she didn't know what to say or do. Her friend was tring to do everything on her own and not try to burden family and friends.

My reply to her was be pushy, she needs you, she may not admit it but she does. Sadly her friend lost her battle.

I remember my friend saying thank you, you were so right, she really did need someone.

 

[worm761]

i agree with merrypoppins. i hated "that" look. the one that said your time is almost up.
my advice is to be her friend. talk to her. see if she needs/wants anything. i was one of those that chose to go that route alone. being a single mom i had no choice but to always be strong. when i got that first test that came back cancer free~ then i lost it. cried for days. then i felt better.

treat her like she is normal. sometimes you just dont feel that way. and it helps to be treated normal.
{{HUGS}} and prayers for you and your friend.

 

[Pam]

Thank-you so much. I wasn't sure what to do. I was afraid if I didn't say something, that I would come across as being a stupid, insensitive jerk. But I see that she wants to just laugh with me and that's great!

She wants me to come over and have lunch with her (she's heard of my cooking skills and said she's makeing lunch! )

Melissa,
I like the idea of a teddy bear - she goes in for her line to be installed next week - I'm going to get her one to take with her.

And - I am definitely going to be positive for her - because I firmly believe that she will beat this!

Pam

 

[Poohshoney]

Unfortunately, the last 2 years have seen quite a bit of cancer in friends and family. Every single one of them has (or had for Roland's aunt) a brilliant attitude. Every one of them has hit that sucker with everything they've got, making jokes about it and not letting it gwt them down. Absolutely incredible! My advice would be to be yourself Pam, just don't ignore it and keep them as positive as possible - positivity's VERY important!

 

[Tiger Fan]

You've gotten great advice here and I second it, especially what Melissa said. There is a fine line between acting like the person is about to die then and there and also acting like NOTHING is wrong. If you can find that "in-between" spot where you treat the person fairly normal, but respect that at anytime they may need something extra you will have it down! ! You are kind friend and I will add you both to my prayer list.
Lisa

 

[Amy]

Pam, the worst thing you can do is ignore her cancer. Treat her like you always did, but DO talk about the cancer - it's part of your friend's life now and always will be. When I was going thru treatments last year, the worst thing was people who pretended like nothing was wrong. Yes, ASK me how I'm doing. ASK if the treatments are making me sick (but DON'T launch into long stories about how sick so-and-so got from the treatments - we need positive stories). Joke about the positive stuff - don't have to shave your legs or armpits, can buy all kinds of hats and not have to worry about hat hair, etc. But also talk about normal stuff, because life goes on, and there's more to life than cancer. Let her guide you - ask how she's doing, and when she starts talking about other stuff, go with it. And if she's one of those "I'm ok, really" types who try to be strong, maybe pamper her a little, take dinner over so she doesn't have to cook (or order pizza if YOU can't cook) - don't wait for her to ask for your help.

Lots of prayers for your friend!!!

 

[Pam]

Again, thanks so much, everyone!
I went and bought her a stuffed monkey today to take to the hospital with her. Now I'm on a mission to find the most off-the-wall cards in the stores to send to her!

Pam