Seperate Homes for spouses?

[raysnkaysmom]

Ok...this may be odd...maybe I'm just trying to make it make more sense...
Long Story short...some of my posts have stated that hubby and I were seperated at a time..but since about 4th of July...he's been 'living' with me. He left his place, I borrowed his car etc. Now..to the kids, it's just mommy n daddy hanging out (luckily even while we were living an hr apart, we still got together for the kids for dinner, park, stuff like that.
We sleep in seperate beds when the kids are home, mainly because we don't want them to get their hopes up in case things didn't work it, so they see us as it has been for over a year, as friends.
Well, in 2 weeks, on his payday, he is moving to downtown Atlanta, and I will be moving closer to my new job. Ever since he 'moved in' here...the kids have kept asking when he's getting his new place...so everyone knew it was coming.
It's weird tho, because I kinda feel like it means we're over, although he is adament we are not..but think it is better for us both...(sad but true, we argue about money, and he is such a slob I can't keep my house in order). But...I also look at it like this. He works about 2 hrs from home, and works long hours...so he's gone a good 16 hrs a day, so it's almost like he's getting a 'condo/hotel' during the week while he works 'out of town' and he can come home on weekends...
So, when I look at it that way, like we have 2 homes, it seems ok, but... I dunno. Do you think that this pretty much means our marriage is over, or it's just whats best for work, or am I reading too much into it?
I don't want to get beat up about the way our marriage is (was 9 yrs this past July), but just wondering on how to look at it..or how others perceive it...
If I put it as 'he stays near work during the week'...will that make sense to others or will they think I'm covering... Or.. should I even care what others think?? It's MY marriage...right??
Ok..I'm ranting..
Opinions? Thanks...

 

[bubie2.5]

Don't worry about what others think. But be sure to clarify and explain everything to your children, sometimes kids interpret things their own way even if told it's not like that.

 

[tiggersmom2]

Truthfully, when I read your post my heart ached. I can tell you that this would break my heart if this was the condition *MY* marriage was in....and I would push to either live together or apart. I don't see how having two homes would help the money situation, (apartments in downtown Atlanta are VERY expensive) it would make me argue about money even more.

I'm not judging the situation - I'm just saying what I would do if it were me.

 

[Beth76]

Well your story is kind of confusing. If you're living separately only during the week so he can be closer to work, that's legitimate. I see nothing wrong with telling people that.

But, you've been living together in separate bedrooms, so that makes it sound like you're really not "married" anymore. It doesn't really sound like you're trying to repair the relationship either. I think it could be damaging to you, your husband and your kids if you're "living together" but with separate bedrooms on a permanant basis. That way, it's kind of like you're divorced, but you just haven't completed the process yet. I don't think the middle ground is the way to go. You need to analyze your marriage and decide if it's worth saving. And by saving, I mean you should be in the same bedroom. Otherwise, you probably should get a divorce. This is just my opinion based on the few facts that you gave us. I obviously don't know you or your situation.

But, good luck. And you're right it is YOUR marriage and it shouldn't matter to you what other people may be thinking.

 

[WDWAurora]

DBF has relatives somewhere that live in two houses....But it's because they have so many kids they have no choice! They bought houses next door to each other and he lives in one with half the kids and she lives next door with the other half. Quite a different situation, one I'd never heard of.

And as for your real question: It's no one's business. You're putting the children first and that's what matters in the long run, as long as you don't neglect yourselves in doing so.

 

[Jenn Lynn]

It's no ones business but your own.

I personally could never do that. I am an all or nothing kind of woman. There are some things I don't compromise on and this would be one for me (and my child). JMHO

 

[raysnkaysmom]

We lived apart for a year...and I'm kinda like you, in the fact that I feel we could work more on US if we could be n the same room, hug, kiss etc in front of the kids...but I can 'sortof' understand his thinking...when he doesn't want the kids to be hurt. Sometimes I think we'll work it out, othertimes I'm not sure. But...I don't push it for the main fact that I DON"T want the kids confused or sad if they see us try and we fail again.
You're right in saying its not like a 'real' marriage..we've even said that. We were on the verge of a divorce, so it's more like a friendship... soo weird...
Guess I vent here because I can't really discuss it anywhere else.
Maybe it'll strenthen us if he is gone thru the week? I know when he used to travel before my youngest DD was born...we got along great cuz he was only home every other week...LOL

 

[Jenn Lynn]

I think you need to think about what you want. Do you WANT him to live with you? Do you WANT him in the same room with you? Are you truly happy with this arrangment?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Well, I would think most would perceive it as you are seperated. How you handle things is your business. It really is a personal thing...

For example I am a black/white kind of gal. I couldn't live like that as I am too jealous and the thought of my dh *seeing* others just wouldn't sit well with me. I am not saying that your dh is or even my dh would be but that is what I would be thinking and it would make me crazy.

So I guess you are in decision mode and you will *know* your answers when it is time.

 

[poohandwendy]

*Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life"

I found your signature interesting and I think you should think hard about it. I will be brutally honest, you and your DH are not 'making a life' together, you are doing everything you can to be divorced without anyone knowing it. And I truly believe that you think you are 'helping' your children in doing so, but children need their parents to shown them what loving adult relationships are, by example. People who are happily married do not sleep in separate houses most of the time and separate beds when they are together only short periods of time. Your children are looking to you for examples of what they should expect from marriage and intimate relationships. Do you want them to live the way you are when they are married?

The only reason you have given to remain married is the children's feelings. The way you are handling things is like 2 amicably divorced parents. So, what would be the difference if you were?

Btw, it is telling that the only reason you seem to be together is for the kids and you never mentioned loving him. I think you both just don't want to admit that it is over, maybe the fear of failure, I don't know? It's a tough place to be, I am sure.

I agree that it is noones business, but you asked how others would perceive it. This is how I perceive it. And probably how others will (do).
I wish you luck, I hope you don't remain too busy making comfortable living arrangements for your kids that you forget making a life.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I do appreciate all the comments, of course some harder to read than others, but I asked.
I do love him, and he is not the type to cheat on me, so I wouldn't have to worry about him 'seeing other women' when he has said he will work on us until we decide it won't work.
We do sleep together when the kids aren't here (when they visit grandparents etc) but I know it's all excuses in your eyes (maybe deep down for me...havne't faced that yet)
I think alot of it is fear of not raising our kids together. We did that this past year...and it was awful. At first it was fights over custody, then alternating weeks of seeing them...just so hard. Sometimes, I'd rather go ahead and not live my life until my kids are grown. I want things to work with us...but maybe I'm just afraid it's beyond repair??
Just wanted to say thanks for your '2 cents'

 

[disykat]

I have a different take on things. One of my college roommates had parents that lived apart. Their Dad lived about two hours away and came home for holidays. They went to visit him as well. Their parents were still married - I think largely due to their Catholic faith.

My friend knew her parent's relationship was unusual - I don't think she had a weird view of marriage. She and all her siblings have gone on to have more traditional "normal" marriages. She knew that her parents were doing what worked for them and what they thought would work best for their family.

I think you have to decide what works best for YOU. Then you need to be honest with the children. If you are only "staying together for the kids" then that probably isn't the best thing - it puts a lot of responsibility on the kids for one thing. However if you are making this arrangement because it seems to work best for you - then just be honest with the kids (I don't mean give them every detail, but something like "mom and dad feel this works best for us") and bring them up realizing that every family does not have to be "ideal" to be real and full of love for each other.

 

[txSleepingBeauty]

I can understand where you're coming from...my parents split about 3 years ago. They lived apart but wern't legally seperated. My dad was always around though, would see him at least once a week and parents were still friends. Eventually he would start sleeping over again (in different rooms) and spending more time at the house. For ex. he'd come over for lunch and to let the dogs out. When we moved the last time he just kind of moved back in. They still sleep in different rooms. Now my brothers and I are all grown (Istill live at home) but it's still confusing for us. I'm not sure where their relationship stands and I'm old enough to have a conversation with my mom about it.

I don't really have any advice, but just keep in mind that this IS really confusing for kids. Especially if they've seen you fight. My parents would fight like cats and dogs and I WANTED them to spilt up, just so that at least one of them might be happy (and so the fighting would stop.) I don't know how old your kids are, but I would strongly suggest that you sit down and have a conversation together with them. Explain what's going on and don't change your behavior just because the kids might not be at home.