Separation/ Divorce advice and help

[sbpuckett]

I won't go into a lot of detail... just looking for some advice from those of you who have been through it. DH and I separated three weeks ago. I'm staying in the house with the kids and he's at a friends house. He has the kids 3 nights a week (works all day) and every other weekend plus Saturdays till dinner time. I have the kids every day until drop off time and 2 nights a week plus every other weekend. He has gotten mad at me at least twice in the last 6 weeks and threatened to take the kids. Including once the other night. I started seeing a psychiatrist today to deal with all of the emotional turmoil our marriage has caused and she immediately told me to go file for custody and a legal separation. I intend to do just that because I have no idea what he is capable of next.

So my question is this, do I have a reasonable expectation for what life could possibly be like separated/ divorced? Although we just don't work well together as a couple, we both love our kids more than anything. We still love one another, although I do believe he's actually still in love and I haven't been for a number of years (and he does know this). What I envision for my children is two parents who are friends and capable of doing "family" type things with the children but also have our own lives. I just wonder if this is realistic or not and if anyone has actually managed to do this besides Demi And Bruce...

Ok... let me have it.

 

[kellyg403]

I won't go into a lot of detail... just looking for some advice from those of you who have been through it. DH and I separated three weeks ago. I'm staying in the house with the kids and he's at a friends house. He has the kids 3 nights a week (works all day) and every other weekend plus Saturdays till dinner time. I have the kids every day until drop off time and 2 nights a week plus every other weekend. He has gotten mad at me at least twice in the last 6 weeks and threatened to take the kids. Including once the other night. I started seeing a psychiatrist today to deal with all of the emotional turmoil our marriage has caused and she immediately told me to go file for custody and a legal separation. I intend to do just that because I have no idea what he is capable of next.

So my question is this, do I have a reasonable expectation for what life could possibly be like separated/ divorced? Although we just don't work well together as a couple, we both love our kids more than anything. We still love one another, although I do believe he's actually still in love and I haven't been for a number of years (and he does know this). What I envision for my children is two parents who are friends and capable of doing "family" type things with the children but also have our own lives. I just wonder if this is realistic or not and if anyone has actually managed to do this besides Demi And Bruce...

Ok... let me have it.

It is a reasonable expectation to have...in about 4 years. The other emotional stuff has to be dealt with before you can be 'friends'. However, if you both stick to the 'I love my children more than I hate their parent' the road will be less difficult. Divorce is not easy. There will bumps along the way and you will go three steps forward only to go four miles backwards. But if this is your ultimate goal you can succeed if you remember it is the goal. If he is still in love and wanting the marriage back, it will be awhile before he is in the same place and 'maybe' has a hard time separating you from the children.

Chin up, it can be done. I had the worse divorce in history. But, you know what he was a good husband but he loves his kids and they love him. We do work decently together, we will never be friends but we are cordial and caring and respectful. I prefer that over being friends. A lot less intrusions in our personal lives that way!

Kelly

 

[disykat]

IMO, NO, it is not reasonable to expect a man who is love with you that you have told you don't love to be able to be your friend and coparent while doing family things but having your own separate lives. You are expecting too much. Maybe in time he can forgive and move on, only then will you be able to work on being friends. For now, he needs time.

 

[Brancaneve]

My heart and prayers go out to you. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. What brought my DH and I back together was the awful reality of the back and forth "thing" with my daughter who was just 2 at the time. As you can see below my name, it says, "I am married to prince charming" so things turned out wonderfully for us and we can both say that our relationship is what marriage should truly be about.

If you are even a tiny bit in love, try to come together to fight, and I mean fight to save your marriage. There are so many impeding influences in our marriages(technology, work, declining morals of others) that all of us have to fight to keep our marriages sane, happy and meaningful. Sometimes you have to think of fighting for your marriage for a reason greater than yourselves.

I wasn't sure if I loved my DH but I really did and I can say that after just a few months of counseling, reading books together, spending time alone, etc. I woke up one morning totally and completely in love. When I think of him now, I get butterflies and I can't wait for him to come home at the end of the day. This is how I feel after the worst time in my life about 5 years ago.

So, there is hope but both of you have to be willing to forgive and put aside a lot to start over. Keep us posted!

 

[*pixie*dust*]

I wish I could tell you that it was realistic but really it is not. Especially if one of you are still "in love". Hurt, resentment, money, people, etc. will always make interaction difficult. If you are the one that decided the marriage was over please consider that your husband had no say in it and will be harboring alot of anger and hurt. He probably feels that you "did this to him".
Don't expect him to do family things with you and the children together if you are not together. This will only confuse your children and give them hope for a reconciliation.

10 years from now you may be able to be friends-- but no time soon.

Also keep in mind that with celebrities (like Bruce and Demi) there public lives are carefully orchestrated illusions. The public will never know the true story.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

My ex-DH and I are very close friends. He joins us on trips to WDW all the time (he stays in his own room at a different hotel). We still own a house together in SC and DH and I stay there when we are in town to visit my Dad. My ex stays with us when he comes up to MD to visit our kids.

It didn't start out as an amicable split but we quickly got past the anger and realized that our kids were going to need both of us to be there for them.

DH and my ex are best buddies now. They razz each other about football and goof off in the pool together at WDW.

The key is communication. We keep each other in the loop about things going on with the kids. We truly put the KIDS first since that is what is the most important.

I know we are the exception rather than the rule but it IS possible if that is what you all want to happen.

 

[ead79]

I don't mean to be out of line here, but it sounds like your marriage is something that can be worked out and saved. Please consider fighting for your marriage as a previous poster mentioned. If you both still love each other, you can work on feeling more "in love" the way you say he is. I'm not saying it will be easy, but it can be so worth it.

 

[RadioNate]

IMO no. Sorry.

For lack of a better way to put this, you guys aren't a family any more. At best you will be willing and capable co-parents but separate lives while doing 'family' things just isn't fair to anyone involved.

You can both peacefully attend functions for the child and may even sit with each other but it won't be a 'family outing.'

I'm sorry. I just don't think it works that way.

What happens when one of you meets someone else? Starts dating? Gets remarried?

I look at my parents, who have been apart nearly 30 years. Sure there is cooperation. Yes they can both attend my children's birthday parties in peace. They even both took my oldest to a baseball game together last year when we were visiting but it takes a lot of hard work and there is no love lost.

I'm sorry but I do think you need to take a hard look at what this divorce will be like and how your children will be affected. Your DH is still in love with you. It sounds like you've hurt him and destroyed his family. I think in a few years things will be better but divorce is ugly.

 

[sunnyday123]

It does get easier.

Document everything. File for custody/legal seperation ( if you state has it ) and divorce. Consult with an attorney. You might want to sign the kids up for therapy as well.

My ex and I have our moments, usually brought on by him assuming because i am civil to him that we are getting back together. It's been 6 years, it's not ever going to happen. Ever. My daughter knows this, and is totally fine with it. Geography doesn't make you less of a parent You can both be totally involved in their lives, but if one parent is regretting this decision, it will be a hard road to hoe (?) until that's resolved. And sometimes it's not ever resolved and you just have to ignore it. I would strongly suggest you not do any "family type" things together, you dont' want the kids confused and thinking Mommy and Daddy are getting along so they must be getting back together. They will always want that, no matter what. Even knowing what my daughter knows ( never!) she has said it would be nice. And it would. But sometimes it's better for parents to be apart and happy then together and misreable.

Just reinforce that it isn't their fault, you both love them, and try to not change as much of their life as possible. And again, get them in therapy,asap. If he's still in love, more than likely he'll try to pin the blame on you -"Mommy won't let me live with you anymore", and get nasty in the hopes of hurting you through whatever actions he's taking.

 

[sbpuckett]

Thanks guys. I needed to hear the truth and know whether what was in my head was even reasonable. I'm hoping we too are an exception, but also understand that it can be very confusing to our children. As for reconciliation... that's not going to happen right now. I'm not sure that it ever would. We married young and have become completely different people and want different things. I haven't been happy for years and gave him every opportunity to work on things with me and he chose not to until I was already done with it all. We tried counseling but it really only made things worse. I'm calling a lawyer tomorrow to get some legal advice and begin what needs to be done. I don't want to string him along in hopes of me changing my mind... he needs to move on and I realize that.

Please feel free to continue sharing stories though. And advice. I think the more I know the better equipped I will be.

 

[punkin]

I don't understand why people feel they have to be "in love" in order to be married. If there is affection and respect, you should be able to have a good and happy marriage, particularly if you have kids.

 

[LuvOrlando]

-

 

[Castlebound]

I don't understand why people feel they have to be "in love" in order to be married. If there is affection and respect, you should be able to have a good and happy marriage, particularly if you have kids.

I disagree. I love my DH even though there are times when I don't particularly like something that he has said or done. For us it is the love part that makes us want to keep our relationship strong. I have affection and respect for many friends but that never made me want to marry them. When my kids get older and get married I hope that by showing them the loving relationship DH and I have that they will pick someone that they too can have a loving strong relationship with. A marriage without love would be sad for me. I could see me wanting to stay married to someone I didn't love.

 

[Rence]

Not married, not divorced - but I can relate the tale of two divorced women that I know.

#1 - husband left for widow across the street when their only child was a year old. Divorce was bitter - they never could co-parent. No cooperation on anything. She held a grudge (and I can't really blame her) but she let it impact her relationship with her ex. Child had no consistency - each parent had their own rules - the father would back out of visitation at the last minute to punish the mother. Kid is now a teen and very messed up.

#2 - my sister - divorce started out very nasty - husband was sleeping with the neighbor etc. Sister soon saw how this impacted her two daughters - she can't stand her ex, but boy can she hide it - she says she deserves an Oscar for her performance. She and ex co-parent wonderfully. Full cooperation on visitation etc. Both are willing to make compromises, take the girls when the other one has commitments etc. Anything major regarding the children is discussed. For major events - First Communion, Birthdays etc. sister is able to have Ex and his family over and everyone is pleasant - this means so much to the girls. They aren't friends, but can act friendly and civil towards each other so it really takes the strain off the kids. I marvel at how well my sister has handled this.

It is possible and actually desirable to have a civil, somewhat friendly relationship with your ex. I have always felt that those who can't act civil towards their ex are being rather selfish. You hear people say that they would run into a burning building for their children, but they can't be bothered to put their own feelings aside to be civil towards their ex for the sake of the children.

 

[wall*e2008]

Drop all hopes of your and your Ex's future relationship and do what is needed right now for the kids. Get the custody order. My GF, against many telling her to do it, let the Ex have the kid without a custody order and as soon as school he did not return the kid. He did not have to return the kid, since he was the father and there was not custody order.

Get that order and start the divorce.

 

[luckymom4]

Although everyone is different, I have been through this exact same thing. While you may feel that you can just be friends and do whats best for the children, your husband may use the children to hurt you no matter how much he loves them. Been there, done that. I urge to file for temporary custody, which will make sure he can't just take the kids until you have a hearing in court. At this point, he has just as much right to them as you, so he can come take them at any time he wants.
This is probably the hardest thing you will EVER go through. You have to be strong for your children. I know that's hard. Try and always be the better person. Try and set the example for how things should be done. I know at times you'll just feel like there's no end in sight, but it does get better. Sometimes I just wanted to be as petty as he was and hurt him back, but now I'm glad I didn't because it would have negatively impacted your children.
My best piece of advice, and maybe one of the hardest ones to follow, is never ever let the children hear you talk negatively about your ex. Try to not even show irritation towards him. The kids will pick up on this no matter how hard you try and hide it. My divorce was years ago, but now that my kids are older they remember the things their Dad did towards me and they have a lower opinion of him for it. Kids tend to define themselves by their parents identities, and if you have a low opinion of your ex and the kids know it, they may think it reflects on them.

Hope I didn't sound preachy or know-it-all. Stay strong. Remember that you have friends/family/church/therapy to support you. This WILL get better! I wish you good luck.

 

[Spoodleink]

Thanks guys. I needed to hear the truth and know whether what was in my head was even reasonable. I'm hoping we too are an exception, but also understand that it can be very confusing to our children. As for reconciliation... that's not going to happen right now. I'm not sure that it ever would. We married young and have become completely different people and want different things. I [B]haven't been happy for years and gave him every opportunity to work on things with me and he chose not to until I was already done with it all. We tried counseling but it really only made things worse. [/B] I'm calling a lawyer tomorrow to get some legal advice and begin what needs to be done. I don't want to string him along in hopes of me changing my mind... he needs to move on and I realize that.

Please feel free to continue sharing stories though. And advice. I think the more I know the better equipped I will be.

You sound like a kid that is going to take their ball and go home. My husband can cajole me out of a bad mood but doesn't have the power to make me happy. I think that people can make you miserable but you can only make you self happy. Did you do anything to improve the marriage or was that just up to your husband because you were not happy. I also don’t buy into the love but not in love good marriages take work on both sides and have to adapt as the people in them change.

 

[ols386]

I definately think it's possible to have a "friendly", and "civil" relationship with your ex, but it probably won't happen very soon. It sounds like he may be pretty angry and hurt right now, but if he's a mature, reasonable person, he'll learn to deal with those feelings, and hopefully work through them.

It's certainly in the best interest of your children for him to work through those feelings. For now, you just have to do what's best for your children and yourself. If he wants to play games and throw fits, that's his deal, but you don't have to engage in his games. As long as he's not doing anything to hurt your children, when he throws his fits, I'd try to keep my mouth shut and ignore it for awhile. If he sees, over time, that you are not responding to his misbehavior (or whatever you want to call it), eventually he'll stop.

Good luck to you and your children. I hope everything works out.

 

[ols386]

You sound like a kid that is going to take their ball and go home. My husband can cajole me out of a bad mood but doesn't have the power to make me happy. I think that people can make you miserable but you can only make you self happy. Did you do anything to improve the marriage or was that just up to your husband because you were not happy. I also don’t buy into the love but not in love good marriages take work on both sides and have to adapt as the people in them change.

I didn't think the op sounded like a kid that is going to take their ball and go home.

And the op said they went through marriage counseling.

And, sorry to be so disagreeable, but I do believe there is a difference in loving someone, vs. being in-love with a person. If a person isn't in-love with the other person, it's not something that you can force. Either it's there, or it's not.

 

[sbell111]

Here's my advice:

Don't look for advice on this issue on these boards (or any internet forum). The people here will give you good advice FOR THEM. Their advice tends to be so tainted by their own experiences that it it is largely unhelpful for your situation. Worse, it could actually be harmful.

Step away from the keyboard to solve your life's problems.